Standing on the bridge at an ungodly hour, I tried my best to contain the nervousness radiating from my chest as I waited for the call from command to come through on the large screen before me. My fingers tapped anxiously on my closed hands behind my back, one of my feet moving along in unison. No one had reported to their posts yet, leaving me to wait alone for whatever information was about to befall my ears.

The screen flickered to life with an image, and my heart instantly started to race against my ribs as the rest of my body stilled. Raising my chin and hardening my gaze, I eyed the head of the board intently as his larger than life face masked the beauty of twinkling space beyond the thick, clear glass.

"Good morning, sir."

"Captain. You will be receiving new coordinates shortly that you are to enter immediately. You are to head to this new location at normal travel speed, not warp. There is a planet at these coordinates that we have deemed undiscovered previously, and your objective once you reach it is to await further direction from myself and the board — no landing parties, no excursions, no deployment of anyone from the Enterprise until you receive orders to do so. Is that understood, captain?"

My teeth felt as though they might break from how hard they were clenched together by the time silence filled the bridge. The sharp words of the head of board had been delivered succinctly, making it clear that there would be no room for questioning, no room for debate. It took more power than I thought I possessed to keep every question and objection behind my tongue. With everything that had been discussed last night about the true intentions of this mission, of what was happening to Aria and how they were manipulating us into carrying out an unknown scheme … My body shook as I struggled to keep my emotions in check, to avoid having the head of the board know just how ready I was to hop onto a shuttle and bring my concerns straight back to Yorktown in person.

Causing a scene, whether aboard the Enterprise or on a Federation space station, wouldn't serve anyone at this point. Especially not Aria, who was currently struggling through another day aboard this ship with symptoms only I could soothe. A fact that I was now nearly certain that the board knew, and their order to remove her from my presence entirely had also sentenced her to more unnecessary suffering.

With a great amount of effort, I managed to keep my posture formal and authoritative while acknowledging the new order with a single, firm head nod. "Understood. I will begin our new route immediately as soon as the coordinates are received."

The head of the board took it upon himself to pin me down with a withering glare before speaking again. "I look forward to reading reports that indicate you are taking your new orders regarding the cadet seriously. If they do not reflect any changes, the consequences will be swift and inarguable."

After another fierce and painful clenching of my jaw, I made to deliver a quick retort laced with just enough anger to make me feel the smallest bit better, but my attempt to speak was cut off by the screen going dark. I was left standing in the silence of the bridge, my annoyance and anger hot and renewed at the last jab he managed to deliver before leaving me to stew with no chance to retaliate.

The beeping of my comms indicated that the coordinates had been delivered, and I made quick work of summoning the entirety of the bridge crew to their posts. They would be reporting a bit earlier than usual, but I was sure that their annoyance wouldn't come anywhere near matching my own. In my last moments of solitude before the crew arrived, I took a moment to look at our new destination's coordinates more critically. Based on our current position, it would take a handful of days traveling at normal, non-warp speed to reach the new, unknown planet.

That gave me an incredibly limited amount of time to attempt to put the pieces of this constantly changing, vague and complex puzzle together. I'd have to push and rally my officers as much as I could to try and get ahead of whatever plans were unfolding while they continued out their usual duties. It was a lot to ask, too much, but it was my only course of action.

Between fielding any more requests and debriefings from command, maintaining the daily operations of the ship and reacting to any unforeseen complications that might arise, I'd have to try and find time to make it down to med bay to see Aria. Simply being near her was the bare minimum I could do to ease her pain, and even if it meant sacrificing hours of sleep at night to get it done, I would do it.

As the thoughts of just how thin I'd have to spread myself in the coming days swirled darkly in my mind, the turbolift doors at the back of the bridge slid open, revealing the first few crew members reporting for duty. I welcomed the distraction gladly, pushing the heavy, inevitable facts to the back of my mind as I turned to greet those who had just arrived and began delivering orders.

The first chance I got this evening after a full day of my duties were complete, I'd head down to med bay. Simply get through every meeting, every report, every check-in, every moment of triage needed due to unpredictable hiccups, and then see Aria. It would be as easy as it sounded in my head, right? The defeated sigh that left my lips contradicted the thought, and the forced, small smile I offered the crew as they made their way to their stations was more difficult to conjure than I would have liked.

I fell into my duties naturally, the orders and directions coming quick and flowing easily as I addressed one person and then moved on to the next. Wear the mask, don't let it slip, get through the day without incident, make it to med bay. I switched myself to autopilot, the short list running through my head on repeat. Be every bit the captain you need to be for your crew, and then be every bit the man you need to be when you see the woman you love.

"Jim! Slow the hell down, will ya? I've been trying to hunt you down all damn day." My only acknowledgement of Bones' request was easing up my pace just enough to give the doctor a chance to catch up. I didn't take my gaze away from the report I was reading on the tablet in my hands as he hurried to my side, his arm brushing mine as he fell into stride beside me.

"What can I do for you, doctor?"

"You wouldn't happen to be looking at my med bay status report from this morning, would you?"

"No, this is Scotty's report from the Enterprise's projected course. Your report is next on my list, along with a dozen others. I promise I'll give it a thorough read."

"You might want to consider giving it a read sooner, captain." The sudden firmness and annoyance lacing the doctor's tone was finally enough to drag my attention from my tablet to his face. Fiercely drawn brows, scowl and unmaskable annoyance. An expression that told me he was in fact very much so not to be fucked with at the moment, and he was to be taken seriously if I were to avoid the full force of his unbridled irritation.

Pulling off into an alcove that held two doors to supply closets, I tucked the tablet underneath my arm and folded my arms across my chest. Bones matched my posture, his face even more menacing in the shadows of the recessed lighting above the doors.

"What's going on Bones?"

"Any particular reason why you couldn't make one appearance in med bay yesterday?"

My heart sank sharply at the thought of what I had so miserably failed to accomplish in the past twenty-four hours. Meeting after meeting and report after report had kept me running around the ship long after the bridge crew had been dismissed. I'd finally gotten back to my quarters much, much later than I'd planned on, and when I'd laid down on the couch in my quarters just to shut my eyes for a moment, to fight off the nagging headache I'd battled all day before heading down to see Aria … when I'd woken up, I had 15 minutes before I need to report to the bridge for morning status reports.

An enormous sigh left my lips as I brought my fingers up to pinch the skin between my eyebrows as I faced down my failure to do the one thing I had promised myself I'd accomplish yesterday. Subtle throbs that I'd been trying to fight off all morning and into the afternoon surged with new pain as I steeled myself to face Bones and my own shortcomings.

"I swear to you, Bones, I was going to head down after I had wrapped up everything for the day. I kept getting shit on at every turn, with more reports and meetings and check-ins. It was late by the time I finally made it back to my quarters, and I just wanted to lay down on the couch for a second to shut my eyes, to get rid of my nagging headache, but I fell asleep. I fucked up, and I am so unbelievably sorry."

He assessed me with an intense stare as I explained myself, his scowl not letting up for a second as he weighed my reasoning for not doing the one thing that was proven to help Aria. With a sharp intake of breath, he shook his head from side to side, turning his gaze to the hallway before bringing his critical stare back to me.

"What I'm about to tell you is certainly not going to ease any of your stress, Jim."

"Just tell me what's going on, Bones."

The doctor sighed, looking down at his feet and prolonging the inevitable for a few more moments before casting his gaze back on me with a pain in his eyes that hadn't been as pronounced before.

"Aria's health is deteriorating rapidly. Over the past twenty-four hours, her symptoms have gotten dramatically worse, and she's exhibiting new symptoms. Her attacks are growing more frequent and more intense. They cripple her ability to function fully, and she's been confined to med bay for monitoring and to avoid the further trauma of having others witness what she's going through."

A faint buzzing filled my ears as I took in what the doctor had to say. His scowl had given way to something much softer — a look filled with concern and fear and helplessness. My mouth was dry as I tried to respond, tried to find the words to say and the questions to ask. The throbbing in my skull seemed to grow more intense with each word Bones spoke. With an immense amount of effort, I managed to make words come out of my mouth, my voice hoarse with emotion.

"How has she been doing today? Any better?"

I could see Bones clench his jaw before he responded.

"No. She's experiencing new symptoms she hasn't reported before. Brain fog, overall weakness throughout her body, disorientation. Her condition is starting to overlap with deep space sickness, Jim. I'm not sure what's going on, why she's getting so much worse so quickly. Whether it's this new course command has sent us on combined with being kept away from you … She was predisposed to deep space sickness with her previous symptoms, and now I'm afraid that if she keeps spiraling downward with no medical answers or solutions, she could progress into the worst stages of the illness."

"What are we talking about here, Bones?"

"A coma, or even worse, unresponsiveness."

Bile surged up from my gut as I brought a hand up to my forehead to fight off the sudden nausea racking my body. The comms at my wrist began to beep as I tried to get a grip on myself—tried to fight back the nausea, tried to form a plan, tried to make sense of how Aria had gotten so much more ill so quickly.

"I will make it to med bay today, Bones. As soon as I've finished with my last meeting I will come down. I promise."

His hazel eyes roamed my face, a critical expression drawn across his features as the comms at wrist continued to beep mercilessly. A harmony to punctuate the never-ending hell that was existing on this ship.

"I won't mention it to her in case things change and you don't make it. She needs you, Jim. I know you're the captain and duty calls, but something is calling for her, and she is suffering because of it."

With that, Bones gave me an intense stare before turning out of the alcove and joining the stream of people walking down the hallway towards their respective duties and stations. He left me alone with nothing but the beeping of my comms to keep me company, each ping a reminder of everything my captainship required of me while simultaneously robbing Aria of what she so desperately needed from me.

If drowning in space would've been possible, I was doing it. Wave after wave of defeating helplessness and fear washed over me as I stood alone, crippled by my responsibilities to both my job and a person who I cared for and loved immensely. With a deep, stuttering breath, I quickly blinked away the gathering tears in my eyes before steeling myself to turn back into the hallway and rejoin the throngs of people going about their daily lives on the ship.

I silenced my comms as I joined the masses, picking up the brisk pace I'd had before Bones had intercepted me. As impossible as it was to compartmentalize, I had no choice but to forge ahead with the duties I had as captain of the ship before heading down to med bay to take care of Aria. It killed me—it was killing my heart and soul each and every time I had to make the choice to accomplish my duties before being able to give over myself and my attention fully to Aria.

With no other choice, I brought my eyes back to the tablet I had been tucking under my arm and attempted to start reading the report from Scotty again. Absorbing any information from the words and diagrams was pointless, but the act of trying to read it was the only thing keeping me from sobbing in the middle of the crowded corridor. Distract, execute, support. The short list of three words became a mantra in my head as I went ahead with my day as Aria struggled to fight for her grip on her life in med bay. The floors that separated us felt like the distance of several galaxies. I would make it back to her today. I owed it to her, no matter how drained I was after a day of duties and trying to parse out what the hell the orders from command had to do with her. Too long had I been a captain bound to duty, leadership, my crew and nothing else. I was bound to her, and it was time for me to act like it. To prove it. To be there for her, no matter the cost.

The whoosh of the doors to med bay sent a wave of refreshing and welcomed cool air across my face and body. Beads of sweat had formed on my forehead as I nearly jogged across the ship to the turbolift and down the corridor that would take me to Aria. Bones was at the back of the bay, tapping information into a tablet with his permanently furrowed brows crafting his signature expression.

My anxiety peaked as I neared him, even though the dim lighting of the bay always had a way of soothing my nerves when they were shot. Nothing would soothe me until I was with Aria. With my heart slamming into my chest, I approached Bones and spoke the words I had been thinking about over and over again since I'd parted ways with the ornery doctor much earlier today.

"Bring me to her."

He looked up from his tablet with raised brows, the slightest bit startled from my sudden appearance and outright demand. There was no doubt in my mind that his surprise stemmed from me actually showing up in med bay like I'd promised earlier. It was late, but I was here. I knew she needed me earlier, sooner, more often. But this was the best I could do, and it was better than nothing. At least that's what I kept telling myself over and over again every second of the day, and now as Bones silently led me to the back corner of the bay where the extended stay rooms lived. It was a mantra to keep me going, to keep me from falling to my knees on the bridge or in a meeting or listening to a report to sob, to succumb and crumble.

Bones came to a stop outside of the last door on the left, the very last room at the end of a corridor in the back corner of the bay. Maximum privacy.

"Thank you, Bones." As I made to move towards the door and finally serve the one purpose that mattered to me most and ease the pain of the one person who I'd grown to need in ways I could never have dreamed, Bones held out a hand in front of me with furrowed brows.

I watched in puzzlement as a pained and critical expression crossed my friend's face. My heart sank as I considered what the next words he was about to speak would be. As I pulled my hand down from where it hung in midair on its way to open her door, my heart started to hammer against my chest.

"You should know before you go in, Jim, that today has not been kind to her. She was having attacks much more frequently, and at an intensity I haven't seen before. In between the attacks, she really hasn't been herself. The brain fog, her weakness, both are much worse today. I made the choice to give her a light sedation earlier in the afternoon. Since then she's been resting peacefully for the most part. I'm not sure how with it she is right now. The sedation should be worn off for the most part, but I just wanted to warn you so you could be prepared."

All I could manage was to blink on at Bones, my mind racing and heart squeezing in my chest at just how drastically her condition had worsened in just two days. With a painful swallow against the rising lump in my throat, I stared past Bones to the door where she laid just beyond, struggling to survive an unknown phantom that was out to get her.

"Why didn't you page me." It came out more of a statement than a question, since it was a pointless thing to ask when I already knew what his answer would be.

"Duty calls, Jim, especially for you. We both know it wouldn't have done any good to send you updates during the day. If it would've gotten dire, I would've told you." He took a step away from the door, leaving me room to pass through. My breathing, time, and the very space surrounding us came to a stop as each one of his words hit a place deep inside of myself. A soft, tender place that had been raw for quite some time. The pain of it was so intense and unyielding now that it felt as though it had to be bleeding. "I wasn't even sure you'd show, but here you are. Let's not dwell on what has been. She needs you."

Blinking quickly through the water that had gathered in my eyes, I nodded silently in response and took a step forward to open the door. Bones placed a few quick, firm pats on my shoulder before he walked past me and back into the heart of the bay. I took a few useless seconds to attempt to gather the pieces of myself together before stepping inside. It was futile, but going through the motions gave me the false sense of hope that I might keep myself from getting lost in the unforgiving storm of emotion gathering at the very core of who I was as a man, as a person.

My life and the world as I knew it crumpled as I made the slow, painful walk over to her bedside in the dimly lit room. Here I was again, just like all those weeks ago when she was brought aboard the ship beaten, bruised and bloodied. I'd failed her then, and I'd failed her now. Looking on at her face splintered my heart into even more jagged, useless pieces. Her golden complexion was replaced with a ghostly pallor. Light purple bags hung under her closed lids. Everything about her looked sunken, muted, hollow.

I reached out to place a shaking hand on her forehead, and a rush of relief flooded through me as I found her skin to feel pleasantly warm under my palm. I'd expected it to feel cool, icy to the touch to match just how much she looked — a shell of her former self. She didn't stir as I gently moved my thumb over her smooth skin before slowly starting to stroke over the limp locks of her once vibrant and beautiful flowing hair.

Nothing in her stirred at my touch, and it broke my heart wide open. Her still, blank face blurred as tears spilled from my eyes. The floodgates inside of me opened, and I was lost to the sweeping wave of heart shattering emotion. I sat down in the chair next to her bed before my knees gave out, my hand still resting on the top of her hair as I brought my tear-stained face next to hers. Taking her hand that was resting on her stomach into my own, I brought my lips to her ear and poured myself out to her, too little too late.

"There's so much I should have done differently. There are so many things I should have told you, that I should have done for you, for us. There are so many things I regret and hate myself for. How was it fair to bring you into this? To bring you onto this ship and into my bleak, lost life? I have nothing figured out, and here you are, suffering at my hands. I come to you with no answers, no plan, no solution. I'm nothing but an empty uniform walking around from one useless task and demand to another. I am, and have been nothing, and here I am trying to give you something I never had. No amount of sorry I feel will ever be good enough. I'm not good enough. You deserve the world. The sun, the moon, the stars, they belong to you. They are yours. I'm a man who let you down, who failed you."

My forehead pressed into her hair, my tears falling onto the strands as what had been pent up inside of me for months spilled out in a messy, truthful jumble. Sobs rolled through my body relentlessly, sending uncontrollable shakes through me as my head throbbed in time to the ache in my chest. There was nothing left for me to lose. The words came, and I did nothing to stop them. This was the precipice, the edge, and I wanted nothing more than to free fall off the edge into whatever abyss would be waiting for me.

"Why does it feel like I'm just constantly too little too late? Like every opportunity, every chance, every moment I have to do something, say something, passes me by, and I'm left to look back and wonder why I let it all slip past?" Pausing to stroke her hair a few more times, I sniffled and swallowed against the painful lump in my throat that wouldn't go away no matter how many tears I'd already cried. With a few deep, shaking breaths, I let the last of what was eating me away out into the world in the form of words I'd never spoken to anyone.

"I want to marry you, I want to love you freely, with abandon, like my father loved my mother. It should be easy, it should be simple. Wanting you and needing you and caring for you and protecting you … it's all I want. I see us on my family farm back in Iowa. I see us getting married on a late summer day, surrounded by cornfields and the people who matter. I see a little girl or boy, full of all the best parts of you. I see us together, happy, living, in love. I love you, and that somehow isn't enough. It wasn't enough for my dad to love my mom, and now I'm here, living through the hell that is being duty-bound. And now, now I'm afraid I'll lose you forever if I don't figure out why this mission is killing you."

I laid my soul bare to her as she lay motionless, asleep as the world, space and me kept on moving without her. It wasn't how I planned on it happening, not how I wanted it to happen, but as I'd learned over the course of my life, nothing goes perfectly — no matter how planned out you think you have it. I laid next to her, drifting in and out of sleep for hours. I'd wake up now and then to pull away and check her face for any signs of waking, to stroke her again or caress her hand with my thumb.

In one of my restless bouts of not being fully awake but not being fully asleep, I felt a hand lay on my shoulder. I sat up quickly, thinking someone was there to tell me she was finally waking up. Blinking away the fog of sleep from my eyes, I took her in. She still lay still, her face blank, her body unmoving as her chest rose and fell deep and even.

A fresh wave of sadness washed over me at the realization that she was still lost inside herself, still lost to me. Turning to look over my shoulder with a few hard blinks against my sore, tired eyes, I found Bones looking down at me with a soft look spread across his usually grump-laden features.

"They're paging you to the bridge, Jim. It's morning."

I managed a few absentminded nods as I looked up at him, the recessed lights behind his head hurting my squinting eyes. Turning back to Aria, I ran my hand over her hair a few more times before leaning in to gently place a slow, gentle kiss on the soft, warm skin of her forehead.

There were no words left to say, even with Bones in the room with me. I'd wrung my heart dry in the early hours of the morning, and what was left of me was a drained, exhausted husk — unsure of anything and uncertain of everything. Standing up sent a jolt of life through me as my body ached and protested against every movement. I gave her hand one last gentle squeeze before straightening myself fully, moving my hands to smooth out my uniform and hair. As I scrubbed my face with both hands, Bones' even tone met my ears.

"I'd thought she'd wake up after the sedation wore off, but she's very deeply asleep. She must've needed the rest. I'm sorry you couldn't talk to her. If it's any consolation, her vitals have improved since you've been with her, and no attacks, obviously."

Staring down at Aria, I let his words wash over me, expecting them to offer me some sort of comfort. They didn't, and I couldn't bring myself to try and parse out everything that was going on inside of me with Bones as duty called.

So instead of offering him a response, I tore my eyes away from Aria and walked past him, offering a tight-lipped, half-assed attempt at a feeble, small smile. I left him standing in her room without speaking a word. My well was dry. I'd offered up every last bit of myself to Aria as she lay asleep in a slumber that I hoped with an intense ferocity was restful and healing.

As I stepped into the turbolift that would take me to the bridge, I watched Bones emerge from the corridor and look on at me before the doors slid closed. It might've been my tired eyes playing tricks on me, but I could've sworn his eyes looked glassy as he stood motionless, staring at me before the white doors left me with nothing but blankness to stare at. The uncharted emotional territory I was entering was terrifying and dangerous, and it wasn't lost on me that Bones knew it too.

Let everyone think what they would with my appearance that no doubt looked just as shitty as I felt. Bags under my red-tinged eyes. Unkempt hair, wrinkled uniform. It was what it was, and I wasn't going to worry about hiding it. The captain in me would turn on as soon as the lift doors slid open to the bridge, and as the wheels in my duty-bound mind began to turn, I hoped and prayed to whatever higher being might exist that I might manage to connect the dots of this mystery mission in time to save Aria's life.