OH MY VARIOUS GODS!! I JUST GOT A GREAT IDEA!!!!!!!!!
DRUG CONTENT! (warning) Stay offa drugs…MD DOES!
Disclaimer: GOTTA CATCH EM' ALL!
"I'm a WHAT Now?"
Lovingly manufactured by Misty Margera the sexiest person in the world…OMG WHAT A LIE!
Saria: "NO MORE _ _ _ FOR ME!"
I laid back in bed. I was so fucking wasted. I had smoked about ten joints and had six hits of the bong that day. Man I was totally high. What do you expect? I live in a forest, I embrace nature, I grow pot!
[Saria: DOUBLE YOU TEE EFF, MISTY?!?
Misty Margera: Shh shh shh my young one, just let the story unfold…]
I wandered outside. It was "High Week in Kokiri Forest," so I had to make my usual rounds, making sure everyone was stoned out of their minds, which of course they were. That's what the Kokiri Forest used to be. Back in the days when pot was legalized, we were known as the Grass-Heads "Home Fresh" Legal Pot of Hyrule. It was a booming business…we created the most potent pot in all of Hyrule. Come to think of it, we created the ONLY weed in all of Hyrule.
But this particular day, I had a really really really strong high. I was tripping so badly. And when I trip really badly, I play the ocarina. Really badly. But everyone that heard me blast out these horrid notes was also really high…SO…they enjoyed it!
"Whooooooooooah!"
"Killeeeeeeeeeer!"
"BITCHIN!"
I had suddenly started to come down from my wonderfully wonderful high…then it happened.
I got the munchies reaaaaaaal badly.
Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal badly.
And I had remembered Rauru yelling his head off about "three big chocolate trophy thingies," so I always kept my eyeballs peeled. But no chocolate trophy thingies.
I wandered into the Lost Forest. I got lost about three times because I was still kinda tripping. So when I finally got to the Sacred Forest Meadow, I thought the stump I usually sat on (to spark my bong) was a gigantic circular filet' mignon. I took a bite out of it, but got only wood in my mouth…and I'm not trying to make this sound like a sexual comment.
I lay across my stump. I was so having twenty minute withdrawal, so I took out a ready-made joint I had in my pocket. But no lighter. Shite. So I just decided to use a magnifying glass and burn some leaves. It worked, and I got a fire going, but all of a sudden it was stomped out by a gigantic gold statue.
I thought I still was tripping, so to prove myself wrong, I slammed my head against it.
I did some pretty stupid stuff when I was stoned.
Like this one time…at Bong Camp…I walked around naked for three full days!!!!!!
Eh…
So anyway, this big golden thing was all like… "EY!!! WATCH WHERE THE EFF YOU'RE GOING, STONER!"
Wow.
Wow dee wow.
In all my years of smokin' the ganga, no one had EVER called me a stoner.
That meant these golden thingies meant business.
The red tinted golden thingie reached right out and thrust a hand into one of my pockets.
"I NEED AN ADULT! I NEED AN ADULT!" I screamed. I was mad uncomfortable.
She pulled out a bong (it was shaped like a fairy!!!), and about three of those little itty bitty packets of weed. (Anyone know what they're called? I ferget…)
"Hey! You didn't need to do that!" I said.
The blue tinted and the green tinted golden thingie stepped towards me. "Yes we did, Saria," they said together.
Aghast, I drew back and hit into the stump on the ground. "How did you know my name?"
The red tinted thingie yelled the answer at me. "WE'RE THE GOLDEN GODDESSES, STONER!! WE KNOW A HELLA LOT MORE THAN YOU!!!!!"
"Oh…" I said, with tears welling up in my eyes. I really didn't like the red one. What a flaming bee-hotch.
"DIN!" Yelled the green one, "STOP BEING SUCH A FLAMING BEE-HOTCH!"
Rockin'!
The blue hued one spoke her ass up. Strangely, I was attracted to her brain cells. They seemed sexy. "Don't be frightened, Saria. Din's probably on her period or something. Anyway, I'm Nayru, the Golden Goddess of Wisdom. That is Farore, the Golden Goddess of Courage, and…Din."
"EY!" shouted Din. "I SHOULD GET A PROPER INTRO! I AM THE GODDESS O' POWER!"
"And we're all so proud of you!" said Farore.
"With all that aside," I started to say, "What can I do ya for?"
"Saria, we want you to stop doing pot," said Nayru. "It's not cool."
STOP DOING POT? BUT WHAT ELSE WOULD I DO? PAINT A PICTURE? ENJOY NATURE? FIND THE MATRIX?
"But I dun' wanna!" Was my reply.
"YOU HAFTA YOU LITTLE SHIT!" yelled Din, "SAGES DON'T DO POT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COOL PEOPLE DON'T DO POT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! POT EFF'S YOU UP!!! I MEAN, LOOK AT THE AUTHOR!"
Misty spoke up. "EY! I DON'T DO POT!!!!!! Where'd you dig THAT up? I've only been high once!"
"GASP!!" went everyone.
"Yeah!" Said Misty. "One time, I threw up thirteen times in one night, so the lady that lives with me, aka my mom, took me to the doctorials, and they gave me a shot in my leg to make me stop vomiting! MAN!!! DAT SHIT FOCKS YOU UP! I was like…HIGH! I was singing songs to everyone, I collapsed with laughter in the waiting room, and I told my mom that I don't deserve to be treated like a diving board!"
"OH JEEZ!" I said. "IS THAT WHAT I REALLY DO WHEN I'M HIGH?!?!?! BE LIKE MISTY?!?!?!?! NEVER AGAIN! I'm off pot forever!" I vowed.
"Good!" said all three Goddesses.
"Now, you will be the Sage of the Forest. You will guard the Forest Temple…" Nayru began to say.
I wasn't interested.
It was boring.
It was more interesting to stare at the blades of grass swish around in the gentle afternoon breeze.
So I didn't hear what Nayru was yammering her head off about sage-ocity.
Suddenly, there was a crash of drums, and a flash of light. (No, not the Rocky Horror Picture Show). Foomp. I was back in my house. OH MY GOD!! What a trash pile!!
There was marijuana paraphernalia EVERYWHERE!! So I took a massive trash bag, put EVERYTHING pot-related into it…AND THREW IT OUT THE DOOR!
I encouraged everyone else to do the same.
I wondered if this was what sages do! I wasn't sure, so I hopped over to Rauru's house. Surprisingly I could go out of the Kokiri Forest…AND I DIDN'T DIE IN HYRULE FIELD!!! BITCHIN!!!
Rauru and I had this big long conversation. Most of it was him rambling about his daily indigestion. But we realized we were both sages, so we HIGH-FIVED!!
And when we did, yellow sparks flew outta his hand, and green sparks flew outta my hand!!!!!
"Eww!" We both said. "Green and yellow aren't good colors together!"
That was my cue to exit. I've been clean ever since!!!!! And, just so Misty won't hafta have one of the goddesses introduce them every episode, I put up flyers stating the names of all the goddesses!!
YEE-HAW FOR ME!
::suddenly, it fades to black. It fades back up to Saria sitting in a chair in front of a red curtain::
So that's basically it.
That's all.
I have nothing more to say.
Stop making me stay stuff, Misty!!!!!!!
(more soon…m-d)