It's funny how the sky reflects the soul so well. How dark and dreary it
can be. Yet there is always that light that refuses to leave. I watch as
lightning flashes so far off, and yet it is so close. It is the flash of
light in that dark dreary sky. The light that sometimes comes from me. It
isn't raining where I am, as I walk down the street. I can't help but
wonder what has gotten into me.
The world is dark, and yet so bright. Sometimes it matches me. The wind picks up. It begs me to let go, let go of the feelings deep down inside. I can't help it, I don't want to let go. I have to much to hide.
Secrets that if only they knew, the ones who think there my friends, the ones I refuse to let in. If only they knew what I felt and what I thought. If only they knew what I hide. I refuse to let it go. The darkness, I refuse to "go into the light." For it is frightening, the light is just to bright. I'll admit it I'm afraid, I'm afraid at how alone I feel although I wont let anyone in. They will never know, they can't. And yet I want them to find out. Oh, how I wish that they would know.
What am I thinking? I can't tell anyone. Not even the one I trust. Oh, my oniisan, yes my oniisan, if he only knew that I knew. But he doesn't I don't want him to. I don't want anyone. It is so depressing. I cry at night and I know that they hear. But I won't cry in front of them; I wont show that I'm weak. I refuse. I refuse to let anyone in.
But still I don't understand. I stop and look at the dogs playing, one looks like an oversized Boarder Collie, the other is a Great Pyrenees. Black and White. How ironic, seeing as they show both sides of me. I appear just white, something pure, and yet I'm so depressed, I'm so black deep down inside, and yet the thoughts. Oh, the thoughts that I have conceived.
Oniisan can't know. He would be happy if he found out about the cuts on my arms. The ones I now hide. I did a few with his Katana. If only he knew. He wouldn't let me near anything anymore, and he would just ask me why? If only he knew, I as much of a Forbidden Child as he. I'm not full Koorime, but he doesn't know. No one knows but me. I didn't mean to do what I did. But in the end I didn't feel bad. I walk away from the dogs in disgusts. I hate them, I hate there happiness.
"What are you doing out here this late at night?" Oniisan asks. He doesn't look happy. I simply tell him I felt like a walk. Of course he walks me back. After a long silence, he finally asks me why? I look at him bewildered by his question not understanding. But he tells me what he knows. He says he found the knife I had hidden under my pillow. He wants to know if why I had it. I don't respond.
I look anywhere but his eyes, the red normally looking for blood is soft and shows concern. I can't tell him, I wrap my arms around my waist and say it doesn't matter. I was just scared because one night I heard something. It was there for my protection. He gives me a thoughtful look. Not knowing what to say. Finally he says I need not worry because he and Genki would protect me from any intruders.
A weak smile crosses my lips, yes, you would protect me from them Hiei but who would protect me from me? My haunting past, you hear me scream at night. I have woken with you by my side. Holding my hand saying "It's okay oniisan is here now." That's how I found out. Because you didn't know I was awake. What would you say if you knew what the nightmares are about?
Slowly I walk into the temple, I walk to my room. You follow not wanting to intrude in my thoughts. I smile slightly to myself and look out the window after entering my room, it is slowly starting to rain, the window is open and I feel the strong winds again. Telling me it was okay just to let go. I feel one tear run down my check and hear the tear gem hit the floor.
You heard it to didn't you oniisan? Because slowly you crosses the room and embrace me trying to slow my tears. Slowly they subside but I wont let go of you. I don't ever want to lose you again. You ask me what is wrong. What could I say, I brush blue hair out of my face and reply nothing. But it was a mistake my sleeve fell and uncovered my wrist. You see the scares the fresh and old. You also see the newest marks the ones I made last night.
Once again you inquire of me. But this time more harshly. You want to know why I did this. When I don't answer you confiscate the knife. Obviously you think this would stop me. But you are wrong. I wont stop. No matter what you do. You hug me one last time, and tell me good night. "Yes, good night oniisan I reply back." I lay down to sleep, I know you were surprised. But I refused so show my awareness, you think I'm sleeping so you leave.
I reach under the mattress to retrieve another knife. It's not there, I go to my drawer My dagger isn't there. "I told you I would protect you." You say from the door. Oniisan do you know how much this means to me? I can't help but be surprised, "Do you really mean it Oniisan?" I question so softly I can hardly hear even my own words. But you heard them oniisan. You say you have no reason to not protect me.
If only you knew, if only you knew about how I killed our mother when I found out about her throwing you into the sea. I was cast out of the land of the Koorime's now a Forbidden Child to them. You have wondered alone, you still wonder. But do you think you can still love me? "Of course I love you." You say. I smile for the first time in so long I smile a true smile. "I love you too, Hiei."
We embrace once more and you tuck me in. You walk to the door then turn around before you turn off the light. You smile at me, I've never seen you smile before, it is always a smirk. But you just smiled like you have done it all your life. "Good night Yukina." You turn off the light and I hear through the darkness, "Sleep now and we will talk about it in the morning." I nod though I know you can't see.
After leaning back onto the pillows I sigh. Tomorrow, will be a new day but this time I wont be fighting my fears, my past, my awful memory's, and the secrets I have alone. I will have my oniisan to protect me, not only from myself but also from my past, and everything else.
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
SilentSilverWolf: Hey, I hope you like it. It was just something I suddenly did. Well I do hope you like it, it was going to be a Hiei's Deep Thoughts. But then somehow turned into Yukina. I mean everyone thinks about how Hiei is always the one with the dark past the one that lets it get to them the most. I guess I just wanted to give Yukina something that shows she is like her brother. Tell me how I did! R&R!
The world is dark, and yet so bright. Sometimes it matches me. The wind picks up. It begs me to let go, let go of the feelings deep down inside. I can't help it, I don't want to let go. I have to much to hide.
Secrets that if only they knew, the ones who think there my friends, the ones I refuse to let in. If only they knew what I felt and what I thought. If only they knew what I hide. I refuse to let it go. The darkness, I refuse to "go into the light." For it is frightening, the light is just to bright. I'll admit it I'm afraid, I'm afraid at how alone I feel although I wont let anyone in. They will never know, they can't. And yet I want them to find out. Oh, how I wish that they would know.
What am I thinking? I can't tell anyone. Not even the one I trust. Oh, my oniisan, yes my oniisan, if he only knew that I knew. But he doesn't I don't want him to. I don't want anyone. It is so depressing. I cry at night and I know that they hear. But I won't cry in front of them; I wont show that I'm weak. I refuse. I refuse to let anyone in.
But still I don't understand. I stop and look at the dogs playing, one looks like an oversized Boarder Collie, the other is a Great Pyrenees. Black and White. How ironic, seeing as they show both sides of me. I appear just white, something pure, and yet I'm so depressed, I'm so black deep down inside, and yet the thoughts. Oh, the thoughts that I have conceived.
Oniisan can't know. He would be happy if he found out about the cuts on my arms. The ones I now hide. I did a few with his Katana. If only he knew. He wouldn't let me near anything anymore, and he would just ask me why? If only he knew, I as much of a Forbidden Child as he. I'm not full Koorime, but he doesn't know. No one knows but me. I didn't mean to do what I did. But in the end I didn't feel bad. I walk away from the dogs in disgusts. I hate them, I hate there happiness.
"What are you doing out here this late at night?" Oniisan asks. He doesn't look happy. I simply tell him I felt like a walk. Of course he walks me back. After a long silence, he finally asks me why? I look at him bewildered by his question not understanding. But he tells me what he knows. He says he found the knife I had hidden under my pillow. He wants to know if why I had it. I don't respond.
I look anywhere but his eyes, the red normally looking for blood is soft and shows concern. I can't tell him, I wrap my arms around my waist and say it doesn't matter. I was just scared because one night I heard something. It was there for my protection. He gives me a thoughtful look. Not knowing what to say. Finally he says I need not worry because he and Genki would protect me from any intruders.
A weak smile crosses my lips, yes, you would protect me from them Hiei but who would protect me from me? My haunting past, you hear me scream at night. I have woken with you by my side. Holding my hand saying "It's okay oniisan is here now." That's how I found out. Because you didn't know I was awake. What would you say if you knew what the nightmares are about?
Slowly I walk into the temple, I walk to my room. You follow not wanting to intrude in my thoughts. I smile slightly to myself and look out the window after entering my room, it is slowly starting to rain, the window is open and I feel the strong winds again. Telling me it was okay just to let go. I feel one tear run down my check and hear the tear gem hit the floor.
You heard it to didn't you oniisan? Because slowly you crosses the room and embrace me trying to slow my tears. Slowly they subside but I wont let go of you. I don't ever want to lose you again. You ask me what is wrong. What could I say, I brush blue hair out of my face and reply nothing. But it was a mistake my sleeve fell and uncovered my wrist. You see the scares the fresh and old. You also see the newest marks the ones I made last night.
Once again you inquire of me. But this time more harshly. You want to know why I did this. When I don't answer you confiscate the knife. Obviously you think this would stop me. But you are wrong. I wont stop. No matter what you do. You hug me one last time, and tell me good night. "Yes, good night oniisan I reply back." I lay down to sleep, I know you were surprised. But I refused so show my awareness, you think I'm sleeping so you leave.
I reach under the mattress to retrieve another knife. It's not there, I go to my drawer My dagger isn't there. "I told you I would protect you." You say from the door. Oniisan do you know how much this means to me? I can't help but be surprised, "Do you really mean it Oniisan?" I question so softly I can hardly hear even my own words. But you heard them oniisan. You say you have no reason to not protect me.
If only you knew, if only you knew about how I killed our mother when I found out about her throwing you into the sea. I was cast out of the land of the Koorime's now a Forbidden Child to them. You have wondered alone, you still wonder. But do you think you can still love me? "Of course I love you." You say. I smile for the first time in so long I smile a true smile. "I love you too, Hiei."
We embrace once more and you tuck me in. You walk to the door then turn around before you turn off the light. You smile at me, I've never seen you smile before, it is always a smirk. But you just smiled like you have done it all your life. "Good night Yukina." You turn off the light and I hear through the darkness, "Sleep now and we will talk about it in the morning." I nod though I know you can't see.
After leaning back onto the pillows I sigh. Tomorrow, will be a new day but this time I wont be fighting my fears, my past, my awful memory's, and the secrets I have alone. I will have my oniisan to protect me, not only from myself but also from my past, and everything else.
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
SilentSilverWolf: Hey, I hope you like it. It was just something I suddenly did. Well I do hope you like it, it was going to be a Hiei's Deep Thoughts. But then somehow turned into Yukina. I mean everyone thinks about how Hiei is always the one with the dark past the one that lets it get to them the most. I guess I just wanted to give Yukina something that shows she is like her brother. Tell me how I did! R&R!