A/N: like it? hate it? I know I haven't written in a while, sorry about the
wait. Reviews make me sing happy songs and dance in trees!
Chapter Fourteen
SARA
* Flash Back *
I had a problem. Sitting on the sill of the open French windows, watching Sids playing his steel guitar to Angel, Spanish love songs filling the garden and the humid summer air. I knew I had a *serious * problem . Where was Eric? He should have been here..should have been here by now. What was holding him up? Was he okay? I had important things to tell him. He should have been awake by now..
"Jordan?"
"Sneh?" he muttered, rolling off the battered sofa, "Whacha want?"
I smiled. Poor Jordan was practically incoherent after naps. Seeing him disheveled, sprawled on the floor made me a sudden harsh pang of love. I really * really * did love my brother.
"Sara? You've got a funny look on your face. What is it?"
"Nothing..nothing just..have you seen Eric?"
"He went up stairs for a nap before work. He said he was feeling 'fluey."
I frowned. Something was niggling at the back of my brain. Had been for ages...Eric was using * way * too much of late. And now he was feeling "fluey'. Right. 'fluey my ass.
"I'm gonna go check on him."
"Surely Shirly." Jordan grinned. "Sara?"
"Yeah?"
"You gonna tell 'im?"
"Tell him what?" I asked, startled. Jordan gave me a hard look.
"That you're pregnant."
"How did you-"
"Sara I've known you all your life. I can tell something's wrong and I figure you're either preggers or you want to break it off with Eric."
I nodded. "Well I'm not going to end it with Eric. I need him now more than ever."
"Well good luck."
"Thanks." I clenched my fists and dragged myself up the stairs, mulling over what I was going to say to Eric when I got to the top. This was possibly one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do. Christ it might not even have been Eric's kid. Considering my occupation...you're always careful but...well you know condoms only work 98 percent of the time after all.
"Eric?"
The door creaked when I pushed it open. Our room was always dark, Eric kept the curtains pulled tightly. The music was on way too loud, 'Hush Hush' by Aimee Man.
IN THE DARK I'D LIKE TO READ HIS MIND
BUT I'M FRIGHTENED BY THE THINGS I MIGHT FIND
OH THERE MUST BE SOMETHING HE'S THINKING OF
TO TURN HIM AWAY
He was lying on the bed, eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling. "Eric?"
HUSH HUSH
KEEP IT DOWN NOW
VOICES CARRY
No answer. "Eric? Eric! ERIC!"
HUSH HUSH
SHUT-UP NOW
VOICES CARRY
That's when I saw the needle. He'd tied his favorite bandana around his upper arm, the needle was still in, a little bit of blood had seeped into the works.
"ERIC! ERIC WAKE UP WAKE UP JESUS ERIC WAKE UP!!"
* * * "You should get rid of it! You know it's the right thing to do!"
"Just fuck off, Angel! I'm not getting rid of my baby!"
Same old argument we'd been having for months and months.
"You're a heroin addict! You're a hooker! You have NO money how the fuck do you expect to be able to take care of it? It would be better for the baby if you had an abortion!"
"How is it better for the baby to kill it? How is that giving it a chance? Who are you to get so fucking high and mighty? You're fucking boyfriend uses more than Eric ever did! You're BOTH whores! Don't tell me what to do? Hasn't the fucking penny dropped for you? You're JUST as bad as me!"
"At least I'm not going to turn out like my mother!"
"What the FUCK is that supposed to mean?"
"Oh, come on Sara! You say the penny hasn't dropped for ME? What about YOU? Can't you see it? you're becoming Shawna! Nineteen year old hooker with a drug problem and a baby with no father and no way to support it! They'll take it away from you and it'll go into a foster home and meet another Mr. Ralph and-"
"SHUT-UP! SHUT-UP YOU BITCH YOU * BITCH *! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU SO MUCH! DON'T YOU *DARE * BRING THAT INTO THIS DON'T YOU * EVER * BRING THAT INTO * ANYTHING *!"
"Sara I-"
"NO! NO SHUT-UP SHUT-UP! I HATE YOU ANGEL I HATE YOU AND I WISH IT HAD BEEN * YOU *! I WISH YOU'D BEEN THERE BEFORE ME AND JORDAN AND I WISH HE'D GOTTEN * YOU *! JORDAN NEVER DESERVED THAT HE NEVER DID BUT YOU FUCKING DID YOU BASTARD I HATE YOU AND I WISH MR. RALPH HAD GOTTEN YOU!"
That shut him up. He went stark white and just * stared * at me like he'd never seen me before in his life. Then he turned and ran out of the house. I felt me knees go out and collapsed against the all sobbing and sobbing. I was shaking so hard I could hardly breathe. I couldn't believe I'd said those things! God knows I never meant a word of it!
"Ang.." I croaked, hauling myself to my meet and staggering to the door. The first flakes of snow were beginning to swirl down from the sky. They looked like falling stars, melting when they hit the ground. It was cold * too * cold and all Angel was wearing was a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. "Come back." I whispered into the empty street. "Please come back."
* * *
We didn't see Ang for another three months. The day she came back found me right back where I'd started, sitting on the sill of the French windows, this time closed, looking out over the garden at Alice and Louie-Louie and Carro trying to build an igloo out tires. You see some pretty interesting things on Warren Street. Not many appreciate it.
But anyway...I saw Ang before he saw me. I say he because he wasn't in his work or party clothes. Just the jeans and t-shirt he'd worn the night he left. Seeing Angel walking down the street I felt my heard jump in my throat, I felt horrible and everyone, Sids, Jordan, David, even Remy, though she never said anything directly, had been so angry at me when Angel left. Things were better now, but I think Sids never quite forgave me, and who'd blame him? I never quite forgave myself.
"Angel..."
"I-I came to get my stuff and...is Sids here? I need to talk to Sids."
I felt like somebody'd poured a bucket of ice down my back. I * knew * that tone. Not from Angel, but from other people.
"Oh, no. No Ang...I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I never meant any of it, please Angel don't punish Sids for what I said, please!"
"I came to get my stuff and talk to Sids. I did a lot of thinking out there and I need to get * out * of here, Sara. I need to get clean and get on with my life." He sounded so calm, his voice was flat, like he'd rehearsed this a thousand times and knew exactly what he was going to say off by heart. "I stopped by Mexy's and talked to Jones and the contract's off. No hard feelings, but I don't work with you all anymore. I've changed my last name and everything."
"Please Angel.."
"Where's Sids?"
I stared hard at my feet-or what I could see of them, I was six months in by then and getting big-"He's in his room." I heard Angel turn and trudge up the stairs. For the longest time I just stood there, staring down at my feet. Finally I heard Angel coming back down the stairs. He stopped in the hall in front of me and put a cool, dry hand on my shoulder.
"I love you, amiga. Best of luck."
I watched as he walked out the door and down the street, getting smaller and smaller and smaller till he shrunk to nothing. Behind me, I heard a sob and turned to see Sids leaning against the wall, crying his heart out.
I'd never seen Sids cry before.
* * *
There are some parts of New York that are very pretty. You forget sometimes, especially when you live on Warren Street. The part of Brooklyn I was walking through was beautiful. The street lamps didn't flicker or hum, just cast a steady orange glow over the neat side walks and gardens and row houses with their lights and families.
422 Clipper Street 422 Clipper Street 422...
There it was, warm honey gold bricks, white wicker porch furniture, roses in the front yard and a big tree with a tire swing. It hadn't changed in almost six years. I'd only been here once but I still remembered how the kitchen had been warm and smelled like cookies and how Eric's mom had shaken my hand like I was a normal fourteen year old, because to her that's what I was. Just a nice fourteen year old girl who dated her son..oh, God. Eric.
But things were different now. Now she knew I wasn't a nice girl. I was the reason Eric ran away from home, I was the reason he stole 100 dollars from her purse to buy drugs the last time he visited her. I was the reason he was dead.
It took all my strength to knock on that door.
"Hello?" her eyes got real big when she recognized me. I grabbed the door so she couldn't shut it in my face.
"Mrs. Monroe?"
"What do you want?" God. She looked so angry. My teeth started to chatter and it was all I could do to keep holding that door instead of letting go and trying to warm myself.
"I need to talk to you."
She pursed her lips. You could tell she didn't want to * look * at me, let alone * talk * to me. Well too fucking bad.
"It's real important. Just give me five minutes. Five minutes and I'll go I swear."
"If it's money you want.."
"It's not. I came to tell you...tell you..I just had a baby." I blurted. Feeling my heart twist up thinking about that sweet little thing all alone in the hospital. "It's Eric's." I added. I felt like a monster. Like I ruined everything I touched. I'd ruined Eric's life, I'd ruined Sids, chasing away the only person he'd ever loved, and I'd chased away Angel. Now I was ruining Mr. And Mrs. Monroe's lives, if I hadn't already. But I wasn't about to let my baby go into care and I couldn't take care of her on my own.
"I don't believe you."
I felt like I'd been socked in the stomach. "What?"
"I don't believe you. why should I? You just can't take care of it so you're going to dump God knows * who's * baby on us and pretend it's Eric's! Why should we believe anything you say?" she tried to shut the door then, but I put my weight into it and she couldn't budge it.
"I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't be here if it weren't Eric's! You can get her tested, if you want but she looks just like him." I was desperate. They had to take her! They * had * to! They were perfect, absolutely perfect. They had everything and they'd love her. I knew they'd love her.
"Where is she?" asked Mrs. Monroe, more softly this time. I don't know why she decided to believe me.
"St. James Hospital. Her name's Harmony. Harmony Monroe." I felt like someone was choking me. Just hold on! I begged myself. Just hold on and for fuck's sake don't cry. Just don't cry.
Mrs. Monroe nodded. "Listen to me, Sara, because I'm only going to say this once. I'll take her, whether she's Eric's or not I'll take her. I've been a social worker for almost forty years and I can't stand to see another child go through the system. But Sara, you're not to come back here ever again. You're not to call, write or * ever * try to get in touch with us or your daughter, you understand?"
"Yes ma'am." I said in a tiny voice. I felt like I was shrinking. Like I was getting smaller and smaller and smaller, like Alice in Wonderland. Like I'd shrink till I was nothing. A blown out candle flame. I wonder what a candle flame looks like when it's blown out?
I was colder than I'd ever been in my life that day, walking back from Brooklyn. I was so cold and I've never warmed up since.
Chapter Fourteen
SARA
* Flash Back *
I had a problem. Sitting on the sill of the open French windows, watching Sids playing his steel guitar to Angel, Spanish love songs filling the garden and the humid summer air. I knew I had a *serious * problem . Where was Eric? He should have been here..should have been here by now. What was holding him up? Was he okay? I had important things to tell him. He should have been awake by now..
"Jordan?"
"Sneh?" he muttered, rolling off the battered sofa, "Whacha want?"
I smiled. Poor Jordan was practically incoherent after naps. Seeing him disheveled, sprawled on the floor made me a sudden harsh pang of love. I really * really * did love my brother.
"Sara? You've got a funny look on your face. What is it?"
"Nothing..nothing just..have you seen Eric?"
"He went up stairs for a nap before work. He said he was feeling 'fluey."
I frowned. Something was niggling at the back of my brain. Had been for ages...Eric was using * way * too much of late. And now he was feeling "fluey'. Right. 'fluey my ass.
"I'm gonna go check on him."
"Surely Shirly." Jordan grinned. "Sara?"
"Yeah?"
"You gonna tell 'im?"
"Tell him what?" I asked, startled. Jordan gave me a hard look.
"That you're pregnant."
"How did you-"
"Sara I've known you all your life. I can tell something's wrong and I figure you're either preggers or you want to break it off with Eric."
I nodded. "Well I'm not going to end it with Eric. I need him now more than ever."
"Well good luck."
"Thanks." I clenched my fists and dragged myself up the stairs, mulling over what I was going to say to Eric when I got to the top. This was possibly one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do. Christ it might not even have been Eric's kid. Considering my occupation...you're always careful but...well you know condoms only work 98 percent of the time after all.
"Eric?"
The door creaked when I pushed it open. Our room was always dark, Eric kept the curtains pulled tightly. The music was on way too loud, 'Hush Hush' by Aimee Man.
IN THE DARK I'D LIKE TO READ HIS MIND
BUT I'M FRIGHTENED BY THE THINGS I MIGHT FIND
OH THERE MUST BE SOMETHING HE'S THINKING OF
TO TURN HIM AWAY
He was lying on the bed, eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling. "Eric?"
HUSH HUSH
KEEP IT DOWN NOW
VOICES CARRY
No answer. "Eric? Eric! ERIC!"
HUSH HUSH
SHUT-UP NOW
VOICES CARRY
That's when I saw the needle. He'd tied his favorite bandana around his upper arm, the needle was still in, a little bit of blood had seeped into the works.
"ERIC! ERIC WAKE UP WAKE UP JESUS ERIC WAKE UP!!"
* * * "You should get rid of it! You know it's the right thing to do!"
"Just fuck off, Angel! I'm not getting rid of my baby!"
Same old argument we'd been having for months and months.
"You're a heroin addict! You're a hooker! You have NO money how the fuck do you expect to be able to take care of it? It would be better for the baby if you had an abortion!"
"How is it better for the baby to kill it? How is that giving it a chance? Who are you to get so fucking high and mighty? You're fucking boyfriend uses more than Eric ever did! You're BOTH whores! Don't tell me what to do? Hasn't the fucking penny dropped for you? You're JUST as bad as me!"
"At least I'm not going to turn out like my mother!"
"What the FUCK is that supposed to mean?"
"Oh, come on Sara! You say the penny hasn't dropped for ME? What about YOU? Can't you see it? you're becoming Shawna! Nineteen year old hooker with a drug problem and a baby with no father and no way to support it! They'll take it away from you and it'll go into a foster home and meet another Mr. Ralph and-"
"SHUT-UP! SHUT-UP YOU BITCH YOU * BITCH *! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU SO MUCH! DON'T YOU *DARE * BRING THAT INTO THIS DON'T YOU * EVER * BRING THAT INTO * ANYTHING *!"
"Sara I-"
"NO! NO SHUT-UP SHUT-UP! I HATE YOU ANGEL I HATE YOU AND I WISH IT HAD BEEN * YOU *! I WISH YOU'D BEEN THERE BEFORE ME AND JORDAN AND I WISH HE'D GOTTEN * YOU *! JORDAN NEVER DESERVED THAT HE NEVER DID BUT YOU FUCKING DID YOU BASTARD I HATE YOU AND I WISH MR. RALPH HAD GOTTEN YOU!"
That shut him up. He went stark white and just * stared * at me like he'd never seen me before in his life. Then he turned and ran out of the house. I felt me knees go out and collapsed against the all sobbing and sobbing. I was shaking so hard I could hardly breathe. I couldn't believe I'd said those things! God knows I never meant a word of it!
"Ang.." I croaked, hauling myself to my meet and staggering to the door. The first flakes of snow were beginning to swirl down from the sky. They looked like falling stars, melting when they hit the ground. It was cold * too * cold and all Angel was wearing was a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. "Come back." I whispered into the empty street. "Please come back."
* * *
We didn't see Ang for another three months. The day she came back found me right back where I'd started, sitting on the sill of the French windows, this time closed, looking out over the garden at Alice and Louie-Louie and Carro trying to build an igloo out tires. You see some pretty interesting things on Warren Street. Not many appreciate it.
But anyway...I saw Ang before he saw me. I say he because he wasn't in his work or party clothes. Just the jeans and t-shirt he'd worn the night he left. Seeing Angel walking down the street I felt my heard jump in my throat, I felt horrible and everyone, Sids, Jordan, David, even Remy, though she never said anything directly, had been so angry at me when Angel left. Things were better now, but I think Sids never quite forgave me, and who'd blame him? I never quite forgave myself.
"Angel..."
"I-I came to get my stuff and...is Sids here? I need to talk to Sids."
I felt like somebody'd poured a bucket of ice down my back. I * knew * that tone. Not from Angel, but from other people.
"Oh, no. No Ang...I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I never meant any of it, please Angel don't punish Sids for what I said, please!"
"I came to get my stuff and talk to Sids. I did a lot of thinking out there and I need to get * out * of here, Sara. I need to get clean and get on with my life." He sounded so calm, his voice was flat, like he'd rehearsed this a thousand times and knew exactly what he was going to say off by heart. "I stopped by Mexy's and talked to Jones and the contract's off. No hard feelings, but I don't work with you all anymore. I've changed my last name and everything."
"Please Angel.."
"Where's Sids?"
I stared hard at my feet-or what I could see of them, I was six months in by then and getting big-"He's in his room." I heard Angel turn and trudge up the stairs. For the longest time I just stood there, staring down at my feet. Finally I heard Angel coming back down the stairs. He stopped in the hall in front of me and put a cool, dry hand on my shoulder.
"I love you, amiga. Best of luck."
I watched as he walked out the door and down the street, getting smaller and smaller and smaller till he shrunk to nothing. Behind me, I heard a sob and turned to see Sids leaning against the wall, crying his heart out.
I'd never seen Sids cry before.
* * *
There are some parts of New York that are very pretty. You forget sometimes, especially when you live on Warren Street. The part of Brooklyn I was walking through was beautiful. The street lamps didn't flicker or hum, just cast a steady orange glow over the neat side walks and gardens and row houses with their lights and families.
422 Clipper Street 422 Clipper Street 422...
There it was, warm honey gold bricks, white wicker porch furniture, roses in the front yard and a big tree with a tire swing. It hadn't changed in almost six years. I'd only been here once but I still remembered how the kitchen had been warm and smelled like cookies and how Eric's mom had shaken my hand like I was a normal fourteen year old, because to her that's what I was. Just a nice fourteen year old girl who dated her son..oh, God. Eric.
But things were different now. Now she knew I wasn't a nice girl. I was the reason Eric ran away from home, I was the reason he stole 100 dollars from her purse to buy drugs the last time he visited her. I was the reason he was dead.
It took all my strength to knock on that door.
"Hello?" her eyes got real big when she recognized me. I grabbed the door so she couldn't shut it in my face.
"Mrs. Monroe?"
"What do you want?" God. She looked so angry. My teeth started to chatter and it was all I could do to keep holding that door instead of letting go and trying to warm myself.
"I need to talk to you."
She pursed her lips. You could tell she didn't want to * look * at me, let alone * talk * to me. Well too fucking bad.
"It's real important. Just give me five minutes. Five minutes and I'll go I swear."
"If it's money you want.."
"It's not. I came to tell you...tell you..I just had a baby." I blurted. Feeling my heart twist up thinking about that sweet little thing all alone in the hospital. "It's Eric's." I added. I felt like a monster. Like I ruined everything I touched. I'd ruined Eric's life, I'd ruined Sids, chasing away the only person he'd ever loved, and I'd chased away Angel. Now I was ruining Mr. And Mrs. Monroe's lives, if I hadn't already. But I wasn't about to let my baby go into care and I couldn't take care of her on my own.
"I don't believe you."
I felt like I'd been socked in the stomach. "What?"
"I don't believe you. why should I? You just can't take care of it so you're going to dump God knows * who's * baby on us and pretend it's Eric's! Why should we believe anything you say?" she tried to shut the door then, but I put my weight into it and she couldn't budge it.
"I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't be here if it weren't Eric's! You can get her tested, if you want but she looks just like him." I was desperate. They had to take her! They * had * to! They were perfect, absolutely perfect. They had everything and they'd love her. I knew they'd love her.
"Where is she?" asked Mrs. Monroe, more softly this time. I don't know why she decided to believe me.
"St. James Hospital. Her name's Harmony. Harmony Monroe." I felt like someone was choking me. Just hold on! I begged myself. Just hold on and for fuck's sake don't cry. Just don't cry.
Mrs. Monroe nodded. "Listen to me, Sara, because I'm only going to say this once. I'll take her, whether she's Eric's or not I'll take her. I've been a social worker for almost forty years and I can't stand to see another child go through the system. But Sara, you're not to come back here ever again. You're not to call, write or * ever * try to get in touch with us or your daughter, you understand?"
"Yes ma'am." I said in a tiny voice. I felt like I was shrinking. Like I was getting smaller and smaller and smaller, like Alice in Wonderland. Like I'd shrink till I was nothing. A blown out candle flame. I wonder what a candle flame looks like when it's blown out?
I was colder than I'd ever been in my life that day, walking back from Brooklyn. I was so cold and I've never warmed up since.