Disclaimer: yui doesn't own gravitation. She's just a rabid fangirl of Ryuichi, Tatsuha, Hiro, and Shuichi. Mirror mirror _is_ mine though.
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)
Chapter 1 – wrapped in ink.
March 4, 1996.
Song of the day: Dancing all alone by Smile d.k.
"Ryuichi-sama?" a voice was calling out to me.
"Hmm?" I said with blurry eyes as I turned over to find the boy's face in front of mine. Only, he had grown to be a little bit older. Maybe about sixteen-years-old.
He was holding onto the end of my bed like a little kid, clenching the white sheets in his hands. But he was just staring at me while a fascination in his gentle eyes.
I immediately opened my eyes wide, but by the way he looked at me, I didn't feel too alarmed. It was as if he was looking at a rare specimen of some sort.
I actually felt comfortable because it felt so peaceful…
…well, that was until he was leaning closer to me and whispered to my ear, "Ryuichi-sama? Ryuichi-sama? I'm sorry for waking you up."
I blushed, but I got up from my bed.
Looking around, I found myself still in bed. And I woke up with Touma blowing into my ear. When I really jumped up from bed, he started to laugh while folding his arms. He was still wearing pajamas and I sighed as I hit him on the shoulder. "What the hell was that for?!"
"Having fun while I still have you here." He sat on the bed and looked at me as I slumped back into bed turning my back towards him.
With my hand still under my pillow, I kept the letter there and slipped my hand out. In relief, I glanced at him. He turned his head towards the window and sighed. "How do you feel about this room? Sleep well?"
"That's a weird thing to ask, but my answers are good and yes." But I still kept my back towards him because I was blushing at the dream and at him blowing my ear.
I must be some pervert…
What's happening to me?!
I see this one person who's about thirteen-year-old…isn't that how old Touma said he was? Yes, that's right.
But this is so wrong! And that letter…that letter isn't letting me go so easily.
"This room was my father's favorite," Touma said as he leaned his back on my own. "I don't know why, but _I_ know why I like it so much."
He turned around and acted like a little kid, while making his hand like a cat's paw while stroking my cheek. "It's because of that blue-tiled house over there. You can see it so clearly."
I turned over as he positioned himself to sleep on the bed. Draping my arm around his waist, I asked, "Why that house?"
"Mika, Eiri, and Tatsuha live there," he answered with a smile. "They're like family to me, even though I'm more close to Mika and Eiri."
Tatsuha lives there…
But some part of me was screaming, "No, you hentai! What the hell are you thinking of ?! Showing up on his doorstep and saying, 'Hey, I got your note. I want to know if this means…more.'"
Internally, I shook my head as some part of me suddenly got all possessive over Touma.
"Touma?" I started to get a little jealous as I bit on his ear.
"Yes, Ryuichi?" He lifted up his eyebrow.
I then let go of his ear and turned him to face me while I put my palm over his pajama top. Playing with his buttons, I started to take them off. "Why am I here?"
When I stopped, he laughed. "Pretty good performance at the office, huh? 'Need to spiffen him up, my ass. Be back in a week.' You're all mine for a week. None of this you're engaged to Emily. The world is outside that door."
As he positioned himself to kiss me on the neck, he whispered into my ear, "Well, that's their problem."
I started to kiss him, but as he was pushing off my top off, I gulped. "Touma…Touma…"
He stopped kissing me. "What happened?"
I shook my head. "I'm…sorry."
He hung his head as he sighed while leaning his body over mine. Hugging me, he ran his fingers through my hair and whispered into my ear, "It's all right. Don't worry."
I closed my eyes as I told him, "I'm…"
At that moment, he sat me up as I shook my head. Pushing him away, I grabbed my shirt and started to breathe heavily. "Can't breathe…can't breathe…"
He immediately got my inhaler from the first drawer. He knew where it was because he forced me to get one in the first place. "Here."
I took it and used it. He rubbed my back as I closed my eyes painfully. Leaning my head on his shoulder, I said, "When will this ever go away?"
I grabbed his face as I looked into it. Smiling sheepishly, I kissed him on the lips as best as I could. Then, I hugged him. "I'm sorry that you have to deal with me."
I calmed down as we just laid there on the bed with his arms around me.
Even physically…
I was keeping people away from me.
This self-infliction was eating me alive.
Throughout the day, we ended up just going to his bed and just watching television or reading. Actually, he was studying our performances while I was biting on the end of my pencil and writing in my special notebook.
"What have we got here?" Touma asked as he took my notebook. "New song lyrics?"
I nodded my head while sighing at them at the same time. "I've got one line and I can't seem to write more. I'm stuck!"
He handed me back the notebook. "A challenge! This time you write the lyrics and I make the melody while Nuriko arranges it?"
I smiled. "Cool! That ought to make things a bit interesting."
"I need a challenge," Touma moaned as he leaned his face closer to the tv.
"Arrogant bastard," I sarcastically remarked while shaking my head and looking at the row of blank lines in front of me.
"I love it when you talk like that." He smirked as he glanced at me for a moment with cat eyes.
"But seriously, Ryuichi, you need to see this." He pointed at the tv and rewound the tape while I put my pencil down.
"I've watched that a million times already. Why do you think I'm able to ignore it right now?"
"Yes, but I need you to see it again."
I grumbled as I looked at the video of myself while singing "Mirror, mirror".
"Looking at the mirror, mirror,
tell me what I should be,
instead of what I pretend to be?
I blindly place my hands on your surface
Thinking we have the same temperature.
I'm not turning into ice,
I'm already frozen within.
Can't see myself, can't see myself…"
I was such a perfectionist that I watched my videos so many times to catch all the mistakes I knew I had done and the ones with my movements to make them more smooth. I thought I had gotten better since the time that I just stood in one place and performed with moving my hands. Hmm…
"There." Touma zoomed in on me while I was opening my eyes. I held my hand out, but not towards the crowd.
I wondered what was wrong…
"The hand movement. I should have held both my hands towards the crowd."
"No, you should have pantomimed it making it seem like there was a glass pane between you and your audience. Good observation, but there's something else." He patted my head. "Think about it."
I sighed as I shook my head. "I can't see it…"
After a few minutes, he rewound and played the tape again.
"You're cold, Ryuichi." He rewound the tape again and we watched it again.
I watched it while trying to understand what he meant, but at that moment, I couldn't. "I know I can't get the feel…There's something…"
"What's wrong, Ryuichi?"
That I'm not where I thought I should be.
I looked at him while pouting. "I'm so lost…"
"Why do you sing, Ryuichi?" He pulled my shoulder and I leaned on him with confused eyes. "You told me years ago that it was your life staple, but what happened after that?"
He looked at me with concerned eyes that couldn't understand my inner dilemma.
Hell, I could only pinpoint half of my problem and I couldn't even understand myself.
"I don't know…" I shook my head. "I don't know what the hell I want."
At that, I became quiet, but I got up and went to my room. Opening the curtains widely, I stood there in the dark, staring at the house where Tatsuha lived. Unconsciously, I reached out for it with my hand. At realizing what I was doing, I immediately pulled my hand away.
What the hell was happening to me?
I took the letter from under the pillow and read it again. It was this damned thing.
This was what triggered my anxiety attack…
"I've listened to you everyday wondering what are you singing for?
Who do you sing for?
I listen because I want to know more,
To know more about you.
And I find no answers at all.
Just a poster on a wall that I talk to.
Embarrassed as I am, I take no shame when people tell me I admire you more than I should. And that's just fine by me, because you'll never know me.
Because you'll never know me, I can do what I want without you watching me.
But that's all wrong, I want to meet you just once to tell myself I live in a dream
And I've got to wake up.
I didn't listen to you because you're popular. I didn't listen because you knew what to sing.
I listened because you never lied. Even if the world's not fair.
And I don't think it's fair. Just once, I want to know if I'm wrong.
I want to know if what I feel is wrong.
Tell me that it is shameful so that I'll stop.
How can I fall in love with you?
Because you'll never know me,
I'll go on with life while listening to your songs.
And that's all right, you'll never meet me just once
For me to tell you that I like your style and you've made me a better person.
Just because I listened…
Just because I listened to your songs…"
I crumbled to the floor while glancing at Tatsuha's home.
This shouldn't have affected me. He's only thirteen-years-old. What should he know about love? How can you fall in love with someone you don't know too well?
I'm a liar.
I only act on stage…
I began to become a little ball squishing myself into one corner.
Shaking my head, I started to cry.
What the hell was happening to me?!
Why was I feeling this way?
How could I have changed you? I'm not…
I'm just an actor on the stage. I have confidence only when I perform and that's it.
I look like I have everything in order, but I don't.
I've only shown you this side of me…
You don't know anything else…
How can you fall in love with me?
Is that even called love?
As the door opened, Touma came over to me, but I hid the letter in my pocket.
"Ryuichi…" He shook his head as he kneeled towards me. "I…I don't know what's wrong. Shh…it's all right…"
He hugged me as I just continued to cry. Sobbing, I told him, "Every time I hope more than I should, I'm only disappointed."
I don't know how to answer this fan letter.
It's so different from the usual interview questions or the admiration of fans who want to know about you…
…not about who you are.
Sometimes the side you show them is the only thing they want to see. They sometimes don't want to accept other parts that you've shown them, especially the not-so-perfect attributes.
This letter was reaching deep inside of me,
Making me bare and naked with its depth.
It was killing me with its beauty.
It was scaring me with its pure honesty.
Why…
Why was I so transparent to this boy?
Tsuzuku…
--
Author's note: Whoa…this Ryuichi piece has really gotten down and personal. It's presented a lot more issues than I was expecting to write about. It's hard for me to write about truly personal stuff, but I am trying my best.
Yes, I understand this song by Smile d.k. was only released by 1999, but just bear with me. I'm just trying to convey a feel, the story itself is really on a timeline (not including X/Tokyo Babylon), which is unlike my other stories.
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)
Chapter 1 – wrapped in ink.
March 4, 1996.
Song of the day: Dancing all alone by Smile d.k.
"Ryuichi-sama?" a voice was calling out to me.
"Hmm?" I said with blurry eyes as I turned over to find the boy's face in front of mine. Only, he had grown to be a little bit older. Maybe about sixteen-years-old.
He was holding onto the end of my bed like a little kid, clenching the white sheets in his hands. But he was just staring at me while a fascination in his gentle eyes.
I immediately opened my eyes wide, but by the way he looked at me, I didn't feel too alarmed. It was as if he was looking at a rare specimen of some sort.
I actually felt comfortable because it felt so peaceful…
…well, that was until he was leaning closer to me and whispered to my ear, "Ryuichi-sama? Ryuichi-sama? I'm sorry for waking you up."
I blushed, but I got up from my bed.
Looking around, I found myself still in bed. And I woke up with Touma blowing into my ear. When I really jumped up from bed, he started to laugh while folding his arms. He was still wearing pajamas and I sighed as I hit him on the shoulder. "What the hell was that for?!"
"Having fun while I still have you here." He sat on the bed and looked at me as I slumped back into bed turning my back towards him.
With my hand still under my pillow, I kept the letter there and slipped my hand out. In relief, I glanced at him. He turned his head towards the window and sighed. "How do you feel about this room? Sleep well?"
"That's a weird thing to ask, but my answers are good and yes." But I still kept my back towards him because I was blushing at the dream and at him blowing my ear.
I must be some pervert…
What's happening to me?!
I see this one person who's about thirteen-year-old…isn't that how old Touma said he was? Yes, that's right.
But this is so wrong! And that letter…that letter isn't letting me go so easily.
"This room was my father's favorite," Touma said as he leaned his back on my own. "I don't know why, but _I_ know why I like it so much."
He turned around and acted like a little kid, while making his hand like a cat's paw while stroking my cheek. "It's because of that blue-tiled house over there. You can see it so clearly."
I turned over as he positioned himself to sleep on the bed. Draping my arm around his waist, I asked, "Why that house?"
"Mika, Eiri, and Tatsuha live there," he answered with a smile. "They're like family to me, even though I'm more close to Mika and Eiri."
Tatsuha lives there…
But some part of me was screaming, "No, you hentai! What the hell are you thinking of ?! Showing up on his doorstep and saying, 'Hey, I got your note. I want to know if this means…more.'"
Internally, I shook my head as some part of me suddenly got all possessive over Touma.
"Touma?" I started to get a little jealous as I bit on his ear.
"Yes, Ryuichi?" He lifted up his eyebrow.
I then let go of his ear and turned him to face me while I put my palm over his pajama top. Playing with his buttons, I started to take them off. "Why am I here?"
When I stopped, he laughed. "Pretty good performance at the office, huh? 'Need to spiffen him up, my ass. Be back in a week.' You're all mine for a week. None of this you're engaged to Emily. The world is outside that door."
As he positioned himself to kiss me on the neck, he whispered into my ear, "Well, that's their problem."
I started to kiss him, but as he was pushing off my top off, I gulped. "Touma…Touma…"
He stopped kissing me. "What happened?"
I shook my head. "I'm…sorry."
He hung his head as he sighed while leaning his body over mine. Hugging me, he ran his fingers through my hair and whispered into my ear, "It's all right. Don't worry."
I closed my eyes as I told him, "I'm…"
At that moment, he sat me up as I shook my head. Pushing him away, I grabbed my shirt and started to breathe heavily. "Can't breathe…can't breathe…"
He immediately got my inhaler from the first drawer. He knew where it was because he forced me to get one in the first place. "Here."
I took it and used it. He rubbed my back as I closed my eyes painfully. Leaning my head on his shoulder, I said, "When will this ever go away?"
I grabbed his face as I looked into it. Smiling sheepishly, I kissed him on the lips as best as I could. Then, I hugged him. "I'm sorry that you have to deal with me."
I calmed down as we just laid there on the bed with his arms around me.
Even physically…
I was keeping people away from me.
This self-infliction was eating me alive.
Throughout the day, we ended up just going to his bed and just watching television or reading. Actually, he was studying our performances while I was biting on the end of my pencil and writing in my special notebook.
"What have we got here?" Touma asked as he took my notebook. "New song lyrics?"
I nodded my head while sighing at them at the same time. "I've got one line and I can't seem to write more. I'm stuck!"
He handed me back the notebook. "A challenge! This time you write the lyrics and I make the melody while Nuriko arranges it?"
I smiled. "Cool! That ought to make things a bit interesting."
"I need a challenge," Touma moaned as he leaned his face closer to the tv.
"Arrogant bastard," I sarcastically remarked while shaking my head and looking at the row of blank lines in front of me.
"I love it when you talk like that." He smirked as he glanced at me for a moment with cat eyes.
"But seriously, Ryuichi, you need to see this." He pointed at the tv and rewound the tape while I put my pencil down.
"I've watched that a million times already. Why do you think I'm able to ignore it right now?"
"Yes, but I need you to see it again."
I grumbled as I looked at the video of myself while singing "Mirror, mirror".
"Looking at the mirror, mirror,
tell me what I should be,
instead of what I pretend to be?
I blindly place my hands on your surface
Thinking we have the same temperature.
I'm not turning into ice,
I'm already frozen within.
Can't see myself, can't see myself…"
I was such a perfectionist that I watched my videos so many times to catch all the mistakes I knew I had done and the ones with my movements to make them more smooth. I thought I had gotten better since the time that I just stood in one place and performed with moving my hands. Hmm…
"There." Touma zoomed in on me while I was opening my eyes. I held my hand out, but not towards the crowd.
I wondered what was wrong…
"The hand movement. I should have held both my hands towards the crowd."
"No, you should have pantomimed it making it seem like there was a glass pane between you and your audience. Good observation, but there's something else." He patted my head. "Think about it."
I sighed as I shook my head. "I can't see it…"
After a few minutes, he rewound and played the tape again.
"You're cold, Ryuichi." He rewound the tape again and we watched it again.
I watched it while trying to understand what he meant, but at that moment, I couldn't. "I know I can't get the feel…There's something…"
"What's wrong, Ryuichi?"
That I'm not where I thought I should be.
I looked at him while pouting. "I'm so lost…"
"Why do you sing, Ryuichi?" He pulled my shoulder and I leaned on him with confused eyes. "You told me years ago that it was your life staple, but what happened after that?"
He looked at me with concerned eyes that couldn't understand my inner dilemma.
Hell, I could only pinpoint half of my problem and I couldn't even understand myself.
"I don't know…" I shook my head. "I don't know what the hell I want."
At that, I became quiet, but I got up and went to my room. Opening the curtains widely, I stood there in the dark, staring at the house where Tatsuha lived. Unconsciously, I reached out for it with my hand. At realizing what I was doing, I immediately pulled my hand away.
What the hell was happening to me?
I took the letter from under the pillow and read it again. It was this damned thing.
This was what triggered my anxiety attack…
"I've listened to you everyday wondering what are you singing for?
Who do you sing for?
I listen because I want to know more,
To know more about you.
And I find no answers at all.
Just a poster on a wall that I talk to.
Embarrassed as I am, I take no shame when people tell me I admire you more than I should. And that's just fine by me, because you'll never know me.
Because you'll never know me, I can do what I want without you watching me.
But that's all wrong, I want to meet you just once to tell myself I live in a dream
And I've got to wake up.
I didn't listen to you because you're popular. I didn't listen because you knew what to sing.
I listened because you never lied. Even if the world's not fair.
And I don't think it's fair. Just once, I want to know if I'm wrong.
I want to know if what I feel is wrong.
Tell me that it is shameful so that I'll stop.
How can I fall in love with you?
Because you'll never know me,
I'll go on with life while listening to your songs.
And that's all right, you'll never meet me just once
For me to tell you that I like your style and you've made me a better person.
Just because I listened…
Just because I listened to your songs…"
I crumbled to the floor while glancing at Tatsuha's home.
This shouldn't have affected me. He's only thirteen-years-old. What should he know about love? How can you fall in love with someone you don't know too well?
I'm a liar.
I only act on stage…
I began to become a little ball squishing myself into one corner.
Shaking my head, I started to cry.
What the hell was happening to me?!
Why was I feeling this way?
How could I have changed you? I'm not…
I'm just an actor on the stage. I have confidence only when I perform and that's it.
I look like I have everything in order, but I don't.
I've only shown you this side of me…
You don't know anything else…
How can you fall in love with me?
Is that even called love?
As the door opened, Touma came over to me, but I hid the letter in my pocket.
"Ryuichi…" He shook his head as he kneeled towards me. "I…I don't know what's wrong. Shh…it's all right…"
He hugged me as I just continued to cry. Sobbing, I told him, "Every time I hope more than I should, I'm only disappointed."
I don't know how to answer this fan letter.
It's so different from the usual interview questions or the admiration of fans who want to know about you…
…not about who you are.
Sometimes the side you show them is the only thing they want to see. They sometimes don't want to accept other parts that you've shown them, especially the not-so-perfect attributes.
This letter was reaching deep inside of me,
Making me bare and naked with its depth.
It was killing me with its beauty.
It was scaring me with its pure honesty.
Why…
Why was I so transparent to this boy?
Tsuzuku…
--
Author's note: Whoa…this Ryuichi piece has really gotten down and personal. It's presented a lot more issues than I was expecting to write about. It's hard for me to write about truly personal stuff, but I am trying my best.
Yes, I understand this song by Smile d.k. was only released by 1999, but just bear with me. I'm just trying to convey a feel, the story itself is really on a timeline (not including X/Tokyo Babylon), which is unlike my other stories.