Disclaimer: Gravitation is by Murakami Maki-sama.
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)
by miyamoto yui
Chapter 2 - futsuu no ai...janai. (not...an ordinary love.)
March 6, 1996 -
Song of the day: Come Undone by Duran Duran
I slept in Touma's room after that. I've been here for two days and we've stayed in his room just resting and watching television. He wouldn't let me write lyrics.
Touma knew. He wouldn't accept me staying alone whenever I got this way. Many things could happen and they had happened before whenever someone left me alone to 'think'. I thought too much about my life and certain things would spin out of control.
"Thank you, Touma," I said whenever I slipped into the covers while hugging him closer like a teddy bear.
He sighed and asked, "What was the trigger?"
But I wouldn't say anything.
One thing led to another and it would overwhelm me to the point that I would just stop doing whatever I was doing and break down. My moods went up and down. Down and up.
I had told him many things that I didn't tell anyone, but there were many things I couldn't explain to him. The web that had been weaved before me. I tried to once, but failed.
The boy had read me so clearly and completely that I was scared.
Who _did_ I sing for? What for? Why?
I sang to have freedom and choose what I wanted in life. And now that I had my freedom, there were restraints to it too.
There were many who wanted me to sing. They loved my voice. And even though I appreciated all their fan letters and efforts to help me live the lifestyle I liked, that was all they wanted.
A voice.
I only provide them a voice in which they fantasize of whatever they want.
It was like with Shinya.
He told stories through his last few years of singing, and that's whom I worshipped when I was growing up. I knew how it was to be on the other end thinking he was so cool and talented. I wanted to be as talented as him.
I wanted his charm and charisma. The things I didn't have, except on stage.
Having confidence.
The freedom actually put me to two extremes and tore me apart. Around people, I was okay, but when I was by myself, I would see all the things that I wanted and what I didn't have.
But what did really I want now?
So, in truth, now, I was singing for myself, but not able to share this extreme love with anyone else. Who would understand this little kid inside of me and the broken man along with it? Both embedded within the same person?
Right now, I was singing to keep alive. To survive in this world.
An outlet with no particular destination.
"I can't explain it to you, Touma. It's too much..." I finally said as I closed my eyes and held him closer.
"I think you should go see a doctor about this."
I shook my head as I started to cry all over again. "No...not again..."
"Then see another one."
"They see me as a thing." I opened my eyes as I held onto his pajama top desparately. "Not as a person."
I pleaded, "Please...please don't make me go again. I've had enough. No more sedatives or stupid tests."
"I hate seeing you like this, Ryuichi," he told me with a worried tone, something rare in his calm attitude towards everything. Then he sighed as he told me while running his hands through my hair while kissing my forehead. "Okay, okay...stop crying. I'll never mention this again. Shh...shh...I'm sorry."
I buried myself in his embrace as I kept on sniffling.
--
Today, I woke up next to Touma and looked at the notebook. I didn't touch it until night.
I had to face this...
I will fight against it.
Whatever it was.
They told me I was mentally unstable...
...but I will prove them wrong. No matter what or how long it will take.
This war within myself will subside someday.
At that moment, I looked at Touma as he watched television. Taking off my arm, I touched my notebook again. "I will try it again."
He nodded his head as he patted my hand. "Go for it."
When he pulled away, I took the pencil in my hand again and turned to another clean page.
"To know more about you..." I thought to myself over and over as I stared at the blank page before me.
I couldn't even imagine his voice saying this because I was only reading Tatsuha's note.
The note that made me melt with just touching it...
This will break me.
And it will become my lucky charm.
I will start off with what he asked. Even though they won't know, I will start over again.
I'll be open to be hurt so that you'll understand me.
Be as honest with my feelings as I am when I touch people with my hands.
Touma smiled at me as he saw me scribbling, but some part of me started to feel a little guilty.
Though it was he who was helping me out with everything until now, he wasn't the one I was writing this to.
April 4th, 1996 -
Song of the day: Secret Garden by Gackt
I kept that note with me everywhere I went. It was inside of my wallet, hidden in one of the pockets. I couldn't live without it.
We were performing at so many places for our tour, but I was jumping all over the place. Nuriko was actually patting my head in delight as she commented, "I'm glad you're cheering up, Ryuichi!"
I would smile while handing Touma a new set of lyrics to challenge him as he smirked at me. Grabbing to one side of the stage and into his room, he would press me against the wall and kiss me so long that I would kid that I'd need several inhalers if he kept on taking my oxygen like that.
"It's for good luck," he would always tell me whenever we were preparing for a new concert.
So, you could say, I was very 'healthy' in front of everyone.
How could the staff ever suspect that I actually had some mild anxiety disorder? Only Touma knew and he was the only one I allowed myself to tell.
You couldn't have imagined how hard it was to tell him and for him saying, "So what?"
I cried so much that I couldn't help but fall in deeper into him since high school.
As we progressed through our tour, each sold out concert would prompt us to sometimes make an extra arrangement to do another one so that those fans could go. I was exhausted by the end of the day and even though I should have stayed with Touma secretly while Nuriko had her own room, I said I would stay in my own room. I felt like Touma was too crowded by me and I needed my space too.
--
Today, I prepared for the concert only one hour before I had to go on stage. There will still some people who didn't understand how I was, but Touma just brushed them off saying, "He knows what he's doing." Then, that was the end of that.
As soon as the concert was about to being, Touma patted me on the shoulder.
"The Uesugi siblings are coming to the concert today," Touma said with a smile as we were walking towards the stage.
I just nodded my head slightly.
Tatsuha...
At that moment, as soon as Nuriko and Touma ran onto the stage. I closed my eyes and became very serious as I ran onto the stage, took my mic and shouted, "Good evening, minna-san~!!"
The crowd roared and I smiled as I lifted my hand and snapped my fingers to start singing "Mirror, Mirror."
"Looking at the mirror, mirror,
tell me what I should be,
instead of what I pretend to be?
I blindly place my hands on your surface
Thinking we have the same temperature.
I'm not turning into ice,
I'm frozen within.
Can't see myself, can't see myself..."
This time, I lifted up my hand as if I blocking the view of my audience. I closed my eyes and opened them again to have my hand in a 'stop' position while slowly taking it down as if I were rubbing onto a cold mirror. While I was doing that with a smirk, I stopped my hand for a moment.
I was looking perfectly straight at Tatsuha and began to lose my cool.
Tears started to well up in my eyes as I reached out to the audience with this same hand as if to catch him,
"So far away,
I'm an illusion
Even before myself.
Will you find me?
Maybe...
Maybe a mirror is
How you should look at me.
Self-deception..."
My heart began to ache from that point on as I finally understood. I now understood what Nanjo Koji was doing. I was beginning to get the feel I wanted.
I was doing things more naturally as I thought of singing for that boy.
That boy who could see me now, but couldn't see through my actions.
I couldn't breathe, but I was singing my heart out. Making myself bleed in front of him.
I wanted him to see me.
I wanted him to understand me...
Touma, Nuriko and the others were smiling when we ended. I patted my forehead with a towel as everyone commented how great this concert was.
Touma smirked at me and said, "Something is different. I think you're beginning to understand what I meant..."
I smiled back and answered, "Yes, I understand a lot of things now."
But the smiling Ryuichi crumbled as soon as he got back to his hotel room.
I found myself alone again in my hotel room and looking out the window, down at the city. In this darkness, I opened the balcony door and leaned my hands on the railing. I found myself sighing and then I let go.
I went back into my hotel room so that Touma wouldn't see me on the balcony. Closing the door behind me, I grabbed a pillow and sat on one side of the bed, away from looking at the city.
I cried and cried into the pillow, saying how painful my chest was.
"It's so painful..." I would say in confusion, wondering if I was saying this out of bitterness towards Tatsuha's letter or at the fact that sometimes, things were so clear to me, even though I denied the truth.
I writhed in pain and squirmed as I closed my eyes and half shouted into my pillow, breathlessly so that no one would hear me. "I can't stand being alone."
No one to sing for.
No one to tell this to.
A high must see a low. Chocolate in the afternoon and being tickled by Touma would having me crashing by the evening hours.
Even Touma didn't about these times because I was so ashamed of myself for being so pathetic.
And yet, that letter was torturing me so slowly as the days went by.
It was strangling me today.
Tatsuha may understand you, but how old is he? He's fifteen years younger than you, Ryuichi.
This isn't right. Why are you falling in love with a child?
But I don't want to fall in love.
I will only be hurt by it. That's how it always is.
Stop this before you get too serious!
You are just an idol. You will fade in his eyes very soon.
It's only a phase for him.
The tears would come out even faster from my eyes.
I felt myself bleeding more and more at this thought.
Maybe I _was_ going crazy.
But for a different reason: Uesugi Tatsuha.
For the more you find out who I am,
The more I will kill myself in your eyes.
But I will do it for you.
"I want to hear your voice again, Tatsuha..." I whispered to myself sorrowfully. "I want you to read this letter to me someday."
Tell me...
Tell me that it's sincere.
Tsuzuku...
--
Author's note: I know a lot of people don't like talking about anxiety attacks or the like because it's difficult to talk about. I'm not doing this as a story arc for sympathy. I'm writing this because it's a reality that many people face.
In this sense alone, this is much is true. I have been there. I have done that.
And I took this angle with Ryuichi because he's the one with the up and down moods, which I think are worse than Shuichi's. Shuichi's moods, you can see because that's just how he is. Ryuichi, you don't really see because he's not the main character. There's always a debate on which is the 'true' Ryuichi, but we see that both sides, man and child, are what make him adorable and interesting.
So, thank you for sticking it out with me. It's not easy to write, but I'm pretty sure it's just as hard to read through.
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)
by miyamoto yui
Chapter 2 - futsuu no ai...janai. (not...an ordinary love.)
March 6, 1996 -
Song of the day: Come Undone by Duran Duran
I slept in Touma's room after that. I've been here for two days and we've stayed in his room just resting and watching television. He wouldn't let me write lyrics.
Touma knew. He wouldn't accept me staying alone whenever I got this way. Many things could happen and they had happened before whenever someone left me alone to 'think'. I thought too much about my life and certain things would spin out of control.
"Thank you, Touma," I said whenever I slipped into the covers while hugging him closer like a teddy bear.
He sighed and asked, "What was the trigger?"
But I wouldn't say anything.
One thing led to another and it would overwhelm me to the point that I would just stop doing whatever I was doing and break down. My moods went up and down. Down and up.
I had told him many things that I didn't tell anyone, but there were many things I couldn't explain to him. The web that had been weaved before me. I tried to once, but failed.
The boy had read me so clearly and completely that I was scared.
Who _did_ I sing for? What for? Why?
I sang to have freedom and choose what I wanted in life. And now that I had my freedom, there were restraints to it too.
There were many who wanted me to sing. They loved my voice. And even though I appreciated all their fan letters and efforts to help me live the lifestyle I liked, that was all they wanted.
A voice.
I only provide them a voice in which they fantasize of whatever they want.
It was like with Shinya.
He told stories through his last few years of singing, and that's whom I worshipped when I was growing up. I knew how it was to be on the other end thinking he was so cool and talented. I wanted to be as talented as him.
I wanted his charm and charisma. The things I didn't have, except on stage.
Having confidence.
The freedom actually put me to two extremes and tore me apart. Around people, I was okay, but when I was by myself, I would see all the things that I wanted and what I didn't have.
But what did really I want now?
So, in truth, now, I was singing for myself, but not able to share this extreme love with anyone else. Who would understand this little kid inside of me and the broken man along with it? Both embedded within the same person?
Right now, I was singing to keep alive. To survive in this world.
An outlet with no particular destination.
"I can't explain it to you, Touma. It's too much..." I finally said as I closed my eyes and held him closer.
"I think you should go see a doctor about this."
I shook my head as I started to cry all over again. "No...not again..."
"Then see another one."
"They see me as a thing." I opened my eyes as I held onto his pajama top desparately. "Not as a person."
I pleaded, "Please...please don't make me go again. I've had enough. No more sedatives or stupid tests."
"I hate seeing you like this, Ryuichi," he told me with a worried tone, something rare in his calm attitude towards everything. Then he sighed as he told me while running his hands through my hair while kissing my forehead. "Okay, okay...stop crying. I'll never mention this again. Shh...shh...I'm sorry."
I buried myself in his embrace as I kept on sniffling.
--
Today, I woke up next to Touma and looked at the notebook. I didn't touch it until night.
I had to face this...
I will fight against it.
Whatever it was.
They told me I was mentally unstable...
...but I will prove them wrong. No matter what or how long it will take.
This war within myself will subside someday.
At that moment, I looked at Touma as he watched television. Taking off my arm, I touched my notebook again. "I will try it again."
He nodded his head as he patted my hand. "Go for it."
When he pulled away, I took the pencil in my hand again and turned to another clean page.
"To know more about you..." I thought to myself over and over as I stared at the blank page before me.
I couldn't even imagine his voice saying this because I was only reading Tatsuha's note.
The note that made me melt with just touching it...
This will break me.
And it will become my lucky charm.
I will start off with what he asked. Even though they won't know, I will start over again.
I'll be open to be hurt so that you'll understand me.
Be as honest with my feelings as I am when I touch people with my hands.
Touma smiled at me as he saw me scribbling, but some part of me started to feel a little guilty.
Though it was he who was helping me out with everything until now, he wasn't the one I was writing this to.
April 4th, 1996 -
Song of the day: Secret Garden by Gackt
I kept that note with me everywhere I went. It was inside of my wallet, hidden in one of the pockets. I couldn't live without it.
We were performing at so many places for our tour, but I was jumping all over the place. Nuriko was actually patting my head in delight as she commented, "I'm glad you're cheering up, Ryuichi!"
I would smile while handing Touma a new set of lyrics to challenge him as he smirked at me. Grabbing to one side of the stage and into his room, he would press me against the wall and kiss me so long that I would kid that I'd need several inhalers if he kept on taking my oxygen like that.
"It's for good luck," he would always tell me whenever we were preparing for a new concert.
So, you could say, I was very 'healthy' in front of everyone.
How could the staff ever suspect that I actually had some mild anxiety disorder? Only Touma knew and he was the only one I allowed myself to tell.
You couldn't have imagined how hard it was to tell him and for him saying, "So what?"
I cried so much that I couldn't help but fall in deeper into him since high school.
As we progressed through our tour, each sold out concert would prompt us to sometimes make an extra arrangement to do another one so that those fans could go. I was exhausted by the end of the day and even though I should have stayed with Touma secretly while Nuriko had her own room, I said I would stay in my own room. I felt like Touma was too crowded by me and I needed my space too.
--
Today, I prepared for the concert only one hour before I had to go on stage. There will still some people who didn't understand how I was, but Touma just brushed them off saying, "He knows what he's doing." Then, that was the end of that.
As soon as the concert was about to being, Touma patted me on the shoulder.
"The Uesugi siblings are coming to the concert today," Touma said with a smile as we were walking towards the stage.
I just nodded my head slightly.
Tatsuha...
At that moment, as soon as Nuriko and Touma ran onto the stage. I closed my eyes and became very serious as I ran onto the stage, took my mic and shouted, "Good evening, minna-san~!!"
The crowd roared and I smiled as I lifted my hand and snapped my fingers to start singing "Mirror, Mirror."
"Looking at the mirror, mirror,
tell me what I should be,
instead of what I pretend to be?
I blindly place my hands on your surface
Thinking we have the same temperature.
I'm not turning into ice,
I'm frozen within.
Can't see myself, can't see myself..."
This time, I lifted up my hand as if I blocking the view of my audience. I closed my eyes and opened them again to have my hand in a 'stop' position while slowly taking it down as if I were rubbing onto a cold mirror. While I was doing that with a smirk, I stopped my hand for a moment.
I was looking perfectly straight at Tatsuha and began to lose my cool.
Tears started to well up in my eyes as I reached out to the audience with this same hand as if to catch him,
"So far away,
I'm an illusion
Even before myself.
Will you find me?
Maybe...
Maybe a mirror is
How you should look at me.
Self-deception..."
My heart began to ache from that point on as I finally understood. I now understood what Nanjo Koji was doing. I was beginning to get the feel I wanted.
I was doing things more naturally as I thought of singing for that boy.
That boy who could see me now, but couldn't see through my actions.
I couldn't breathe, but I was singing my heart out. Making myself bleed in front of him.
I wanted him to see me.
I wanted him to understand me...
Touma, Nuriko and the others were smiling when we ended. I patted my forehead with a towel as everyone commented how great this concert was.
Touma smirked at me and said, "Something is different. I think you're beginning to understand what I meant..."
I smiled back and answered, "Yes, I understand a lot of things now."
But the smiling Ryuichi crumbled as soon as he got back to his hotel room.
I found myself alone again in my hotel room and looking out the window, down at the city. In this darkness, I opened the balcony door and leaned my hands on the railing. I found myself sighing and then I let go.
I went back into my hotel room so that Touma wouldn't see me on the balcony. Closing the door behind me, I grabbed a pillow and sat on one side of the bed, away from looking at the city.
I cried and cried into the pillow, saying how painful my chest was.
"It's so painful..." I would say in confusion, wondering if I was saying this out of bitterness towards Tatsuha's letter or at the fact that sometimes, things were so clear to me, even though I denied the truth.
I writhed in pain and squirmed as I closed my eyes and half shouted into my pillow, breathlessly so that no one would hear me. "I can't stand being alone."
No one to sing for.
No one to tell this to.
A high must see a low. Chocolate in the afternoon and being tickled by Touma would having me crashing by the evening hours.
Even Touma didn't about these times because I was so ashamed of myself for being so pathetic.
And yet, that letter was torturing me so slowly as the days went by.
It was strangling me today.
Tatsuha may understand you, but how old is he? He's fifteen years younger than you, Ryuichi.
This isn't right. Why are you falling in love with a child?
But I don't want to fall in love.
I will only be hurt by it. That's how it always is.
Stop this before you get too serious!
You are just an idol. You will fade in his eyes very soon.
It's only a phase for him.
The tears would come out even faster from my eyes.
I felt myself bleeding more and more at this thought.
Maybe I _was_ going crazy.
But for a different reason: Uesugi Tatsuha.
For the more you find out who I am,
The more I will kill myself in your eyes.
But I will do it for you.
"I want to hear your voice again, Tatsuha..." I whispered to myself sorrowfully. "I want you to read this letter to me someday."
Tell me...
Tell me that it's sincere.
Tsuzuku...
--
Author's note: I know a lot of people don't like talking about anxiety attacks or the like because it's difficult to talk about. I'm not doing this as a story arc for sympathy. I'm writing this because it's a reality that many people face.
In this sense alone, this is much is true. I have been there. I have done that.
And I took this angle with Ryuichi because he's the one with the up and down moods, which I think are worse than Shuichi's. Shuichi's moods, you can see because that's just how he is. Ryuichi, you don't really see because he's not the main character. There's always a debate on which is the 'true' Ryuichi, but we see that both sides, man and child, are what make him adorable and interesting.
So, thank you for sticking it out with me. It's not easy to write, but I'm pretty sure it's just as hard to read through.