Disclaimer: Murakami Maki-sensei owns Gravitation. Midnight Crow isn't mine.
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)
by miyamoto yui
Chapter 4 – Hitotsu. (First.)
April 6th, 1996
Song of the day: Midnight Crow by Lucifer
But as dismal as I was feeling, like the hollow within my chest was just getting bigger and bigger, I stopped crying. I looked at my wet hands and realized how moist they were. There was a puddle within my hands as if it had rained and rained for a few days. Except, it wasn't the sky crying for me. It was me. When the sky finished crying this morning, I didn't realize that I would be the one to pour my tears so carelessly in public.
I never liked doing that. In all my life, my problems stayed within me because I didn't want to worry anyone. I didn't want anyone to know because I was ashamed of my weaknesses. Though I realized that they were only a part of human nature, when one smiles, who was to know how much weight went into its sincerity?
When I smile for the cameras or for other people, I feel their happiness for a fleeting moment. Is that so weird to say? And then, they think that I reflect my own happiness onto them. How misunderstood this gesture was, and yet it continued to exist between everyone I knew.
Even Touma.
He was my best friend in high school and even though he would prefer to take care of me forever, would I let him? Even until now, I was unwilling to part with my inner demons and give them to him. Even if he was willing to do that for me. Why? Because I knew I had to endure it.
When I was shouted at or made fun of at school when I was young, I looked at those people in silence. I just gave them a smile.
How destructive a smile can be.
I smiled widely when I was feeling my worst.
Opening my hands, I let the water flow out as I watched it fall down to the grass. I got up and wiped my tears away. It wasn't out of courage. It was out of frustration, anger, and anguish.
This was going to eat me, but I had to fight it. And fight, I must.
I got up and zipped up my jacket. I put my shades into my pocket and walked down the streets trying to find some ice cream shop. Instead, I found a karaoke bar. I went inside, got a private room, and sang until it closed.
This wasn't unusual for me. I sang whenever I knew my emotions were too full and needed to be released, even if it was just a temporary comfort. I could have gone anywhere, but I had to confront my feelings. Standing in front of a television, I pretended to not know the words as I read English and Japanese lyrics flash before me.
"Tenshi mieru sa…"
(You look like an angel…)
I sighed as I tried the song again, Midnight Crow. I sang it better the next time.
I let myself go.
As I left the karaoke bar, I smiled at the owner as she gave me a good look. "Aren't you…"
I winked as I gave her the yen she asked for and left.
She looked after and asked, "Don't you want your change?"
I shook my head with a smile. "Don't need it."
I then called a cab and went back to the hotel.
At least…
At least for one more night, I would survive in the coldness that enraptured me.
Or so I thought.
There was Touma, without a care in the world, standing in front of my doorway with his arms crossed and ready to light up a cigarette. He arched his eyebrow as he saw me.
"I hate it when you smoke." I took the unlit cigarette and crushed it in my fingers.
"I hate it when you leave without telling me where the fuck you're going," he told me in an icy tone.
Ah, the usual reprimand. I wasn't immune to it, and yet I wasn't blind to it.
I opened my door as he let himself in. I turned on the light, opened the balcony door, and started to change into my pajamas in front of him.
"Where were you, Ryuichi?" Touma asked as he folded his arms while looking at me take off my shirt.
"I went to a karaoke bar," I answered while looking at him as I put on my pants. "I was there all night."
He closed his eyes in obvious disdain and irritation. "You know how worried I was?"
"You needn't worry too much about me, Touma," I told him while straightening out my top. "I'm not a child. I know exactly what I'm doing."
He then seized my wrist firmly. "Dammit, Ryuichi! Stop thinking about yourself all the time. If you were me, what else would you think?!"
I squinted at him and seriously answered, "I'm still not used to you caring."
At that moment, I threw his hand away and he let go of his grip. "I'm not used to anyone giving a damn about me!"
"Well, get used to it." He then got a hold of my wrists as he looked me in the eye with a deathly stare. "You…"
At that moment, his eyes wavered. There was a wash of pain over them to the point of tears.
My anger subsided as I realized that my insecurities over Touma had only hurt us both.
He put his arms around me as he sighed in relief. In a moment of weakness, he whispered, "I thought you were doing it again. I thought I was going to lose you for sure this time."
"Am I that easy to read?" I sighed as I looked up to the ceiling trying not to cry.
"Only to me, Ryuichi," he told me as he let go of me. "But sometimes, I'm not so sure."
As he looked at me, he turned around as he said, "The arrangements for an omiai are underway between the Uesugis and my family."
My feet started to become cold as I took a deep breath.
No…
Don't tell me this now…
For the first time in his life, Touma and I were on a different wavelength. I was standing right in front of him unable to say anything about Tatsuha or the scattered thoughts going through my demented mind. Things were so broken inside of me, and I looked so well put together.
For now, the glue that kept me from falling apart was Touma.
It had always been Touma. Since high school, I knew that this crush would develop to be something more. But as always, I was scared of it ending.
I didn't want to be left all alone again.
But that was something I had no control over. That was something my pride wouldn't let me say to anyone. No matter how much I wanted it.
That was something Touma loved about me: I was too sweet. I was too honest for my own good.
I didn't say anything.
"They really want me to marry her." He turned around as he gave me that unreadable smile that made me want to rip his mask away from him. "I've not sorted out my feelings over this, but I've liked her for a long time. You know that."
And where does this leave me?
"You were the persistent one." I smiled at him. The smile of my own defense. The weird one that conveyed that I was too polite to say anything to keep myself together.
"Ryuichi…" He sighed as he tried to reach out for me. "…but I've liked you even longer. You have to understand that I…if you would make a decision-"
I backed away as I said, "Don't touch me."
My heart was breaking all over again.
The loose seams that had been stitched lightly were now beginning to break within me.
Then, my smile became even wider as I looked at him trying so hard not to cry. "You never told me you'd take care of me, Touma. It's all right. Stop feeling guilty."
I started to laugh. "It's not like you said you'd be with me forever."
Ache…
Then, I closed my eyes as he stood before me. I opened them again and stared at him directly in the eyes. "You're not the first to disappoint me. You're not the first to make me hope you'd care about me."
A tear slipped from my eye.
"You're not the first to break my heart, so don't think you're too special."
At that moment that he was about to hold me, I pushed him away as I grabbed for my coat, keys, and wallet. Walking out the door, I smiled even then. Even when his back was towards me and his eyes were blankly looking out the balcony door.
I just couldn't tell him that I knew.
I knew this day would eventually come.
And I wasn't going to stop him from marrying Mika as he couldn't stop my own family from marrying into Emily's. But I was going to try.
I actually had the courage to fight for you, Touma. But now, you'll never know that because I could see it in your eyes. The care I wanted was different from what you'd give me.
I could see that now.
The way we loved each other was suffocating.
We were emptying ourselves unfairly. Giving and taking too much until we would become bare for one another.
I knew that and yet I continued to hope…
Because I finally made a connection with you.
I understood you to my very core, even though I might have not shown it too much.
"But you were the first to understand me," I quietly said with a clear voice. "That's why I loved you so much."
Click.
I closed the door behind me.
Tsuzuku…
--
Author's note: I've always carefully emphasized a lot on music within my fics. I'm sorry that I always make lyrics/poems with no melody to follow, but I hope to convey the feelings I want. With this fic, I've compiled a lot of songs by real artists (so, disclaimers apply and such) that I think fit Ryuichi's mood. It is * laughs * also the song that I use for that particular chapter. I usually do not say what songs I use for each fic, but I wanted to put an even fuller experience. To be as close to the personality of Ryuichi as I can. Or rather, as well as I can portray him.
One who smiles also knows much how to cry just as much. I picked Midnight Crow to represent this feel. It is strong and weak at the same time. Also, I love the band Lucifer. (Makoto follower since they came out.)I love L'arc, Luna Sea, Lucifer, Shiina Ringo and Oblivion Dust, but only two of these artists/bands are still together.
Omiai – formal marriage meeting.
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)
by miyamoto yui
Chapter 4 – Hitotsu. (First.)
April 6th, 1996
Song of the day: Midnight Crow by Lucifer
But as dismal as I was feeling, like the hollow within my chest was just getting bigger and bigger, I stopped crying. I looked at my wet hands and realized how moist they were. There was a puddle within my hands as if it had rained and rained for a few days. Except, it wasn't the sky crying for me. It was me. When the sky finished crying this morning, I didn't realize that I would be the one to pour my tears so carelessly in public.
I never liked doing that. In all my life, my problems stayed within me because I didn't want to worry anyone. I didn't want anyone to know because I was ashamed of my weaknesses. Though I realized that they were only a part of human nature, when one smiles, who was to know how much weight went into its sincerity?
When I smile for the cameras or for other people, I feel their happiness for a fleeting moment. Is that so weird to say? And then, they think that I reflect my own happiness onto them. How misunderstood this gesture was, and yet it continued to exist between everyone I knew.
Even Touma.
He was my best friend in high school and even though he would prefer to take care of me forever, would I let him? Even until now, I was unwilling to part with my inner demons and give them to him. Even if he was willing to do that for me. Why? Because I knew I had to endure it.
When I was shouted at or made fun of at school when I was young, I looked at those people in silence. I just gave them a smile.
How destructive a smile can be.
I smiled widely when I was feeling my worst.
Opening my hands, I let the water flow out as I watched it fall down to the grass. I got up and wiped my tears away. It wasn't out of courage. It was out of frustration, anger, and anguish.
This was going to eat me, but I had to fight it. And fight, I must.
I got up and zipped up my jacket. I put my shades into my pocket and walked down the streets trying to find some ice cream shop. Instead, I found a karaoke bar. I went inside, got a private room, and sang until it closed.
This wasn't unusual for me. I sang whenever I knew my emotions were too full and needed to be released, even if it was just a temporary comfort. I could have gone anywhere, but I had to confront my feelings. Standing in front of a television, I pretended to not know the words as I read English and Japanese lyrics flash before me.
"Tenshi mieru sa…"
(You look like an angel…)
I sighed as I tried the song again, Midnight Crow. I sang it better the next time.
I let myself go.
As I left the karaoke bar, I smiled at the owner as she gave me a good look. "Aren't you…"
I winked as I gave her the yen she asked for and left.
She looked after and asked, "Don't you want your change?"
I shook my head with a smile. "Don't need it."
I then called a cab and went back to the hotel.
At least…
At least for one more night, I would survive in the coldness that enraptured me.
Or so I thought.
There was Touma, without a care in the world, standing in front of my doorway with his arms crossed and ready to light up a cigarette. He arched his eyebrow as he saw me.
"I hate it when you smoke." I took the unlit cigarette and crushed it in my fingers.
"I hate it when you leave without telling me where the fuck you're going," he told me in an icy tone.
Ah, the usual reprimand. I wasn't immune to it, and yet I wasn't blind to it.
I opened my door as he let himself in. I turned on the light, opened the balcony door, and started to change into my pajamas in front of him.
"Where were you, Ryuichi?" Touma asked as he folded his arms while looking at me take off my shirt.
"I went to a karaoke bar," I answered while looking at him as I put on my pants. "I was there all night."
He closed his eyes in obvious disdain and irritation. "You know how worried I was?"
"You needn't worry too much about me, Touma," I told him while straightening out my top. "I'm not a child. I know exactly what I'm doing."
He then seized my wrist firmly. "Dammit, Ryuichi! Stop thinking about yourself all the time. If you were me, what else would you think?!"
I squinted at him and seriously answered, "I'm still not used to you caring."
At that moment, I threw his hand away and he let go of his grip. "I'm not used to anyone giving a damn about me!"
"Well, get used to it." He then got a hold of my wrists as he looked me in the eye with a deathly stare. "You…"
At that moment, his eyes wavered. There was a wash of pain over them to the point of tears.
My anger subsided as I realized that my insecurities over Touma had only hurt us both.
He put his arms around me as he sighed in relief. In a moment of weakness, he whispered, "I thought you were doing it again. I thought I was going to lose you for sure this time."
"Am I that easy to read?" I sighed as I looked up to the ceiling trying not to cry.
"Only to me, Ryuichi," he told me as he let go of me. "But sometimes, I'm not so sure."
As he looked at me, he turned around as he said, "The arrangements for an omiai are underway between the Uesugis and my family."
My feet started to become cold as I took a deep breath.
No…
Don't tell me this now…
For the first time in his life, Touma and I were on a different wavelength. I was standing right in front of him unable to say anything about Tatsuha or the scattered thoughts going through my demented mind. Things were so broken inside of me, and I looked so well put together.
For now, the glue that kept me from falling apart was Touma.
It had always been Touma. Since high school, I knew that this crush would develop to be something more. But as always, I was scared of it ending.
I didn't want to be left all alone again.
But that was something I had no control over. That was something my pride wouldn't let me say to anyone. No matter how much I wanted it.
That was something Touma loved about me: I was too sweet. I was too honest for my own good.
I didn't say anything.
"They really want me to marry her." He turned around as he gave me that unreadable smile that made me want to rip his mask away from him. "I've not sorted out my feelings over this, but I've liked her for a long time. You know that."
And where does this leave me?
"You were the persistent one." I smiled at him. The smile of my own defense. The weird one that conveyed that I was too polite to say anything to keep myself together.
"Ryuichi…" He sighed as he tried to reach out for me. "…but I've liked you even longer. You have to understand that I…if you would make a decision-"
I backed away as I said, "Don't touch me."
My heart was breaking all over again.
The loose seams that had been stitched lightly were now beginning to break within me.
Then, my smile became even wider as I looked at him trying so hard not to cry. "You never told me you'd take care of me, Touma. It's all right. Stop feeling guilty."
I started to laugh. "It's not like you said you'd be with me forever."
Ache…
Then, I closed my eyes as he stood before me. I opened them again and stared at him directly in the eyes. "You're not the first to disappoint me. You're not the first to make me hope you'd care about me."
A tear slipped from my eye.
"You're not the first to break my heart, so don't think you're too special."
At that moment that he was about to hold me, I pushed him away as I grabbed for my coat, keys, and wallet. Walking out the door, I smiled even then. Even when his back was towards me and his eyes were blankly looking out the balcony door.
I just couldn't tell him that I knew.
I knew this day would eventually come.
And I wasn't going to stop him from marrying Mika as he couldn't stop my own family from marrying into Emily's. But I was going to try.
I actually had the courage to fight for you, Touma. But now, you'll never know that because I could see it in your eyes. The care I wanted was different from what you'd give me.
I could see that now.
The way we loved each other was suffocating.
We were emptying ourselves unfairly. Giving and taking too much until we would become bare for one another.
I knew that and yet I continued to hope…
Because I finally made a connection with you.
I understood you to my very core, even though I might have not shown it too much.
"But you were the first to understand me," I quietly said with a clear voice. "That's why I loved you so much."
Click.
I closed the door behind me.
Tsuzuku…
--
Author's note: I've always carefully emphasized a lot on music within my fics. I'm sorry that I always make lyrics/poems with no melody to follow, but I hope to convey the feelings I want. With this fic, I've compiled a lot of songs by real artists (so, disclaimers apply and such) that I think fit Ryuichi's mood. It is * laughs * also the song that I use for that particular chapter. I usually do not say what songs I use for each fic, but I wanted to put an even fuller experience. To be as close to the personality of Ryuichi as I can. Or rather, as well as I can portray him.
One who smiles also knows much how to cry just as much. I picked Midnight Crow to represent this feel. It is strong and weak at the same time. Also, I love the band Lucifer. (Makoto follower since they came out.)I love L'arc, Luna Sea, Lucifer, Shiina Ringo and Oblivion Dust, but only two of these artists/bands are still together.
Omiai – formal marriage meeting.