Disclaimers: Gravi isn't mine. Hina/Kira and Akai Ame _are_ completely mine along with its copyrights (2000).
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)
by miyamoto yui
Chapter 5 – beautiful selflessness.
April 9th, 1996
Song of the day: Akai Ame by Hina
Touma went through the whole meeting and I stayed away from him even though we were working in the same room. We'd always greet one another and pretended like nothing was wrong. We were wonders at that sort of game play.
A look here, a look there. A blind eye everywhere.
I left the recording studio early to go do a guest appearance at my friend Kira's concert. Kira, or rather her stage name Hina, was used to this whole industry, having been an idol through all seasons and since she was in college. This was her 12th anniversary and still going strong to the point that she was still selling out.
Never running out of fans, never running out of fashion.
I had known her when I was starting out. You could say she was my mentor in a way.
I don't know why, but she had watched me practicing for my first live and put down her sunglasses to wink at me. I blushed not knowing what to say. Laughing, she shook her head and said, "Heart. Broken, repaired, or whole. It's all about heart, Sakuma-san."
She and I became friends, but she never gave me other advice since the first time we met.
Before she was going to sing her last song today, she took a break as the crowd cheered for more. I was also just as distressed at the fact that she had not sung her number one song. Not only was it the number one song for so many years, but it was also her favorite.
For as long as I had known her, I believed the words within that song but I never knew who were they for. The past or the story behind it.
I didn't know there was.
Not until she took my face between her hands and said, "Oh, Ryuichi."
I sighed as a stirring began within my heart, a pinching that made me want to swell up in pain all over again as I thought of many things and now, Touma. I told her how someone had broken my heart this time, with love.
She looked into my eyes as she kissed my forehead while pushing my bangs to one side. "You didn't listen to me, did you?"
"Of course I did."
She shook her head. "Not all of it."
It was then that she sat beside me as she looked into my face. Pulling on the extensions and wiping the makeup that was left, I looked into her face. A face that still looked like a little girl's even though she was already in her early thirties.
She smiled at me as she said, "I will tell you a story that no one knows but one other person in the world."
Still looking at me with bright eyes, she told me,
"There was a girl who loved to sing. It was the only thing she thought she could do. So, she tried her best to audition for everything and anything she could. Fortunately, she was discovered when a local talent agency was looking for someone fresh. Someone whom they called 'Well-rounded': Capture. Someone who knew how to capture an audience.
"The girl didn't know she had that type of charm, but she sang with all that she could. She attended college while performing as if she had two completely different lives. But there was one friend. One true friend that she trusted and fell in love with. Even though she didn't know how the guy felt about her, she sang songs to him without him knowing.
"They drifted apart though. They didn't have the same classes and as the girl's schedule was getting busier and busier, she could no longer see the boy. She wanted to see him so badly. What was the point of singing to someone who didn't even know the songs were for him?
"Well, that's what she thought. Her songs were lovely and cute as idols go, but they didn't capture the audience. She was thinking of how could she truly capture the audience, but she was told a secret when her mother had read the lyrics she had written on her desk.
"Signed with the boy's name on the side. The mom let out a troubled sigh as she looked at the girl to tell her that the boy she loved wasn't the one. She couldn't understand until her mother had told her that this person was related to her in some way. And when she was told how, the girl ran away with tears in her eyes. She now knew what crying blood was. She was able to write the song that would make her a star.
"The words that would make her hand dip with her own blood and pain, making that star shine even brighter."
Holding my shoulders, she looked into my eyes and smiled with all that she could. "Whenever I hear or sing Akai Ame, I remember the time I saw that boy, Ryuichi. Under the sakura tree with its leaves falling before us in the rain. There was an imaginary wall. In our silences, we knew that the other knew."
Her grip became firmer. "I wrote this for a boy I loved and he loved me also. We understood each other quietly even though we never kissed or touched one another until I came to his graduation."
She began to cry. "One hug, Ryuichi. That's all we had and we never saw each other again. And here I still sing clear and strong to reach his heart in a different way. To reach my half-brother, even if he loves me as a woman. And touch him in a way that I never can."
I took a deep breath as I tried to look at her. This beautiful woman who smiled like it never rained before her.
She was putting the extensions back into her hair. She was putting make-up to transform herself as she pushed her tears away. Getting up, she said, "Show time."
All these years, I thought I had understood those words, "Heart. Broken, repaired, or whole. It's all about heart, Sakuma-san." To be only deceived by my own thoughts and actions. My heart was there, but I was running away from myself.
I used my love for singing as an escape from my sadness and now I understood my mistake. Through Touma, through Tatsuha, through her.
As I waited to go onto the stage, when I looked at her face, it was coming to me little by little.
Myself.
I had to pour myself out if I was to receive anything in response.
It's not enough to satisfy playful words. You make your audience feel. You had to make them laugh. You had to make them cry.
You had to be able to crucify yourself.
For in bleeding, you understand that you're only human.
They respect your inner heart.
As she introduced me, I ran to the stage as the song was starting to begin. "And for my last song, the song that I cherish the most…Akai Ame!"
The crowd jumped up and down as she held her hands out.
She was crying just as easily as she begun. But these were an actor's tears. They were sincerely coming from her eyes. Unafraid of being so pure.
I didn't want to sing her song with her because I knew now what it truly meant. But she smiled at the crowd while encouraging me. We sang together:
"I keep on searching for a mercy that will never be ours.
As the sun upon all that I thought would be dreaming with you.
I wish I could be a bird that could fly away, oh run so far away.
This very day, I wish it had never happened at all.
When my dreams clash
Like rain draining me away
Washing me with my tears....
I cry out to the rain...
I cry out to the rain.
Tell me why? my love bleeds this deep, red red rain...
I can hear; I want to hear your voice again.
There's a secret we share but can never reveal.
I wish a knife had pierced me instead of feeling all of this pain.
And then so, what will happen after this? I do not really know.
I do know I can't go back to the way I once was,
We can never be the way we used to be...
A gentleness that only glass can bring tonight, tonight...
When I call your name softly,
Come to me,
As fast as you can...
The rain shadows my crying image from you.
You're so near and yet so far away from me.
So far, so far, why can't I ever touch you?
It's a secret I wish it were not ever told.
I cry out to the rain...
I cry out to the rain.
Tell me why? my love bleeds this deep, red red rain...
I can hear; I want to hear your voice again.
There's a secret we share but can never reveal.
The rain shadows my crying image from you.
You're so near and yet so far away from me.
So far, so far, why can't I ever touch you?
It's a secret I wish it were not ever told."
When we finished the concert, Hina kissed my forehead again and left me as the rain started up again. "Ryuichi! Isn't a broken heart such a beautiful thing?!"
She looked at me with a sincere smile that held a tinge of sweet despair.
I nodded my head as she ran away from me.
"Yes, very beautiful."
Behind beauty, there was an incredible infliction.
Outpouring your flesh, bone, and soul to create purity itself.
A sacrifice had to be made.
And kindness with generosity were its only allies.
Beautiful selflessness.
Tsuzuku…
--
Author's note: I started to go through my old original fics and thought that his would be a good thing to bring into the fic. No matter how many original fics I've made, this has always been one of my absolute favorites to write.
If you would like to read it, please go here and click on 'Hisashiburi':
http://www.geocities.com/mykumagoro/originalfics.html
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)
by miyamoto yui
Chapter 5 – beautiful selflessness.
April 9th, 1996
Song of the day: Akai Ame by Hina
Touma went through the whole meeting and I stayed away from him even though we were working in the same room. We'd always greet one another and pretended like nothing was wrong. We were wonders at that sort of game play.
A look here, a look there. A blind eye everywhere.
I left the recording studio early to go do a guest appearance at my friend Kira's concert. Kira, or rather her stage name Hina, was used to this whole industry, having been an idol through all seasons and since she was in college. This was her 12th anniversary and still going strong to the point that she was still selling out.
Never running out of fans, never running out of fashion.
I had known her when I was starting out. You could say she was my mentor in a way.
I don't know why, but she had watched me practicing for my first live and put down her sunglasses to wink at me. I blushed not knowing what to say. Laughing, she shook her head and said, "Heart. Broken, repaired, or whole. It's all about heart, Sakuma-san."
She and I became friends, but she never gave me other advice since the first time we met.
Before she was going to sing her last song today, she took a break as the crowd cheered for more. I was also just as distressed at the fact that she had not sung her number one song. Not only was it the number one song for so many years, but it was also her favorite.
For as long as I had known her, I believed the words within that song but I never knew who were they for. The past or the story behind it.
I didn't know there was.
Not until she took my face between her hands and said, "Oh, Ryuichi."
I sighed as a stirring began within my heart, a pinching that made me want to swell up in pain all over again as I thought of many things and now, Touma. I told her how someone had broken my heart this time, with love.
She looked into my eyes as she kissed my forehead while pushing my bangs to one side. "You didn't listen to me, did you?"
"Of course I did."
She shook her head. "Not all of it."
It was then that she sat beside me as she looked into my face. Pulling on the extensions and wiping the makeup that was left, I looked into her face. A face that still looked like a little girl's even though she was already in her early thirties.
She smiled at me as she said, "I will tell you a story that no one knows but one other person in the world."
Still looking at me with bright eyes, she told me,
"There was a girl who loved to sing. It was the only thing she thought she could do. So, she tried her best to audition for everything and anything she could. Fortunately, she was discovered when a local talent agency was looking for someone fresh. Someone whom they called 'Well-rounded': Capture. Someone who knew how to capture an audience.
"The girl didn't know she had that type of charm, but she sang with all that she could. She attended college while performing as if she had two completely different lives. But there was one friend. One true friend that she trusted and fell in love with. Even though she didn't know how the guy felt about her, she sang songs to him without him knowing.
"They drifted apart though. They didn't have the same classes and as the girl's schedule was getting busier and busier, she could no longer see the boy. She wanted to see him so badly. What was the point of singing to someone who didn't even know the songs were for him?
"Well, that's what she thought. Her songs were lovely and cute as idols go, but they didn't capture the audience. She was thinking of how could she truly capture the audience, but she was told a secret when her mother had read the lyrics she had written on her desk.
"Signed with the boy's name on the side. The mom let out a troubled sigh as she looked at the girl to tell her that the boy she loved wasn't the one. She couldn't understand until her mother had told her that this person was related to her in some way. And when she was told how, the girl ran away with tears in her eyes. She now knew what crying blood was. She was able to write the song that would make her a star.
"The words that would make her hand dip with her own blood and pain, making that star shine even brighter."
Holding my shoulders, she looked into my eyes and smiled with all that she could. "Whenever I hear or sing Akai Ame, I remember the time I saw that boy, Ryuichi. Under the sakura tree with its leaves falling before us in the rain. There was an imaginary wall. In our silences, we knew that the other knew."
Her grip became firmer. "I wrote this for a boy I loved and he loved me also. We understood each other quietly even though we never kissed or touched one another until I came to his graduation."
She began to cry. "One hug, Ryuichi. That's all we had and we never saw each other again. And here I still sing clear and strong to reach his heart in a different way. To reach my half-brother, even if he loves me as a woman. And touch him in a way that I never can."
I took a deep breath as I tried to look at her. This beautiful woman who smiled like it never rained before her.
She was putting the extensions back into her hair. She was putting make-up to transform herself as she pushed her tears away. Getting up, she said, "Show time."
All these years, I thought I had understood those words, "Heart. Broken, repaired, or whole. It's all about heart, Sakuma-san." To be only deceived by my own thoughts and actions. My heart was there, but I was running away from myself.
I used my love for singing as an escape from my sadness and now I understood my mistake. Through Touma, through Tatsuha, through her.
As I waited to go onto the stage, when I looked at her face, it was coming to me little by little.
Myself.
I had to pour myself out if I was to receive anything in response.
It's not enough to satisfy playful words. You make your audience feel. You had to make them laugh. You had to make them cry.
You had to be able to crucify yourself.
For in bleeding, you understand that you're only human.
They respect your inner heart.
As she introduced me, I ran to the stage as the song was starting to begin. "And for my last song, the song that I cherish the most…Akai Ame!"
The crowd jumped up and down as she held her hands out.
She was crying just as easily as she begun. But these were an actor's tears. They were sincerely coming from her eyes. Unafraid of being so pure.
I didn't want to sing her song with her because I knew now what it truly meant. But she smiled at the crowd while encouraging me. We sang together:
"I keep on searching for a mercy that will never be ours.
As the sun upon all that I thought would be dreaming with you.
I wish I could be a bird that could fly away, oh run so far away.
This very day, I wish it had never happened at all.
When my dreams clash
Like rain draining me away
Washing me with my tears....
I cry out to the rain...
I cry out to the rain.
Tell me why? my love bleeds this deep, red red rain...
I can hear; I want to hear your voice again.
There's a secret we share but can never reveal.
I wish a knife had pierced me instead of feeling all of this pain.
And then so, what will happen after this? I do not really know.
I do know I can't go back to the way I once was,
We can never be the way we used to be...
A gentleness that only glass can bring tonight, tonight...
When I call your name softly,
Come to me,
As fast as you can...
The rain shadows my crying image from you.
You're so near and yet so far away from me.
So far, so far, why can't I ever touch you?
It's a secret I wish it were not ever told.
I cry out to the rain...
I cry out to the rain.
Tell me why? my love bleeds this deep, red red rain...
I can hear; I want to hear your voice again.
There's a secret we share but can never reveal.
The rain shadows my crying image from you.
You're so near and yet so far away from me.
So far, so far, why can't I ever touch you?
It's a secret I wish it were not ever told."
When we finished the concert, Hina kissed my forehead again and left me as the rain started up again. "Ryuichi! Isn't a broken heart such a beautiful thing?!"
She looked at me with a sincere smile that held a tinge of sweet despair.
I nodded my head as she ran away from me.
"Yes, very beautiful."
Behind beauty, there was an incredible infliction.
Outpouring your flesh, bone, and soul to create purity itself.
A sacrifice had to be made.
And kindness with generosity were its only allies.
Beautiful selflessness.
Tsuzuku…
--
Author's note: I started to go through my old original fics and thought that his would be a good thing to bring into the fic. No matter how many original fics I've made, this has always been one of my absolute favorites to write.
If you would like to read it, please go here and click on 'Hisashiburi':
http://www.geocities.com/mykumagoro/originalfics.html