Cracking his lavender eyes open, his lids felt like they were being weighed down by heavy bricks. Groaning softly and standing up to rouse himself from his sleep, he glanced up at the red blinking address. The subway had gone past his workplace a while ago. Scratching the side of his cheek, he settled back on the seat.
His stop back home was roughly five stops away. Was that a dream? Emil couldn't shake the feeling; a regretful remembrance of him texting Leon.
Sucking in a sharp inhale, his hand fished out his cellphone to hastily search for his text messages sent to Leon. There was a new message from him, but his message that he thought he had sent was never typed out.
His thumb tapped on the new message, twisting his mouth to the side with a hardened glare. Leon was quite the persistent psychopath. Rereading the message before his new message was the barrage of abusive texts from earlier that deteriorated his confidence.
I like know where u sleep and work. U really thought u could like get rid of me emil?
No, no, there's no way. Shuddering at the thought of his ex knowing where he and Lukas lived frightened him to the core.
Considering his choice of wording, he reflected on the blunt text message that he sent in his dream. I'm going to report you to the police Leon. His thumb bounced against the backspace. No, don't type that… that will just cause more issues.
His vision blurred at his lack of action, fists clenched at his sides. I'm such a coward. How could Lukas love someone like me?
Shuffling in place with his phone in his hand, he pressed the power button to a dark, blank screen. A gaggle of young adults boarded the subway one stop before his destination. Averting his eyes from their peering attention, he folded his arms after shoving his phone back in his jean's pocket.
"I'll give ya a moment to take in all of what this freak wrote in his journal," Mathias waved his hand nonchalantly as he traveled over to his bedroom.
Lukas held tight onto the journal; temptation and confliction swirled inside of his body. Did he want to know Emil's secrets? He really liked the eighteen year old Icelander. Biting his bottom lip, he fell back onto the couch with a prolonged exhale. Staring up at the ceiling for an answer, he shook his head.
"I have too much respect for him to snoop. Besides…" Lukas mumbled to himself, dropping the book to his side on the couch, "what if I found out something that would change my feelings?" Why are things becoming so complicated now?
Ten minutes of ruminating rolled by before Mathias emerged from his bedroom to check on his best friend. Grinning from ear to ear, the muscular man bound over to the exasperated Norwegian.
"What are yer thoughts on Emil now?"
Shrugging, Lukas couldn't meet Mathias's cerulean orbs full of enthusiasm. "I'm not going to read it. I have respect for him-" His mouth grimaced at Mathias's crestfallen expression, "-unlike you."
"Lukas, I think respect will be lost when ya read what he wrote about you."
Humming at this new information, his curiosity was piqued. "He wrote about me?"
"No shit, Lukie. It is yer business to know." Mathias raised his eyebrows, creating lines on his forehead as he pivoted to walk over to the compact kitchen.
Maybe one little peek wouldn't hurt. What if he wrote that he despises me and wants me to back off? Lukas tilted the closed journal in his hands before sighing. No, Lukas, give Emil his privacy. If he has something to tell me, then the time will come.
Mathias peered over his broad shoulder, fished out a bottle of Tuborg, and watched Lukas stand up with the journal secured in his hand. Tugging on a pair of tan trainers, he smoothed his blonde fringe before heading for the front door.
"Where are ya going?" The hiss of beer and sound of metal hitting the floor echoed Mathias' question.
"Out. Be back when I come back," was Lukas's snarky answer to the inquisitive Dane. Mathias quietly sucked his teeth, eyes following him out of the door.
Upon hearing Emil's stop announced over the scratchy speaker, he quickened his pace to depart from the subway. A satisfying breeze fluttered against his exhausted face when he stepped onto the concrete of the sidewalk. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he looked around suspiciously. Leon knew where he lived, apparently.
Studying his worn converses trudging against the daylit sidewalk, the cracks and lines amused his distraught mind. He was consumed in his own muddled thoughts that he didn't notice the person walking toward him a few meters away. Right before their shoulders collided, Emil felt a hand grip his shoulder from behind out of his peripheral vision. Gasping out, he spun around to see Lukas staring at him.
"Lu-Lukas," he stuttered out and stepped back clumsily, "What are you doing here?"
The other person avoided them as they walked around with an irritated look. His dark orbs sparked with jealousy and contempt.
Nobody else mattered in that moment when Emil's eyes settled on his journal. He stood there, mortified. A gust of wind played with their locks of hair; the light sting hitting Emil's widened eyes. Flustered beyond belief, he didn't know what to say. Was this another dream?
Lukas cleared his throat uncomfortably. "I found this. I believe it belongs to-"
"It's not what-" he choked out, throwing his sweaty hands out of his pockets. "I mean, how did you-" There were so many things that the teen was sputtering out after snatching his journal away from his object of affection, "I'm sorry, Lukas!"
Reaching out to place his hand on the frantic Icelander, Lukas shook his head when Emil stepped back from the contact.
"I didn't open it. I respect you and your privacy, Emil."
"Wait, really?" Emil raised his eyebrows, clutching onto the journal.
"Mathias found it," he admitted slowly, "and he wanted me to read it."
Gulping, Emil slumped his frigid shoulders and held the journal close to his chest. "I'm glad you didn't read it," he inhaled and exhaled, "I couldn't live with myself if you did."
Run away, run away, Emil! Just leave it all behind. Lukas will never love me.
Quirking his eyebrow at Emil's confession, he took a deep breath to relax his unhinged nerves. "It's getting late and cold out here, Emil. Let's go back to the apartment."
The apprehension, infatuation, and appreciation that they shared for each other in that moment made their heads spin. Emil couldn't meet Lukas's gaze as they walked home together. Although, the foreboding feeling of someone watching them clawed at Emil's skin.
Once they arrived, Emil watched the television flickering between different channels before settling on an old macho movie. A belch and gulp of beer sounded off when Lukas closed the door behind Emil.
"Yer 'ome, Lukie?" Mathias slurred out, glancing lazily over to his two roommates. Smirking at Emil's avoidance, Mathias chuckled against the bottle and pointed it in their direction. "Emil, ya should pack yer shit now. Lukas knows- hiccup- all 'bout ya now!" His blaring voice echoed throughout the apartment, effectively tipping Emil over the ledge of tolerance.
Opening his mouth to retort, Lukas interrupted Emil's counterattack. "Shut it, Dane."
After Mathias grumbled out something incoherent, Lukas and Emil entered their shared room. It was best to talk things out in a mature manner, if Emil was willing. Pressing the matters was the last thing that Lukas wanted to do and scare Emil away from him.
Mathias picked up his phone and dialed a familiar number through blurred, drunken vision. Waiting after three rings, another male's voice greeted him.
"Hey, we need to change our plans. He didn't fall for the trick." Mathias fingered the spine of Emil's actual journal in his lap. "Yeah. I got the real one. The fake one would have scared Lukas away. Damn his pride."
"Should I move on with the next plan or whatever?"
"Knock yourself out," he eyed his half empty bottle of beer along with the other three bottles of liquid.
The person on the other line simply hummed to himself, allowing Mathias to take over the remainder of their conversation.
"You owe me fifty. Remember that." Mathias's thumb hit the red icon, ignoring whatever the other person had to say next.
Lukas was settled on the bed, staring at the backside of his roommate. His head was aching from this unnecessary stress invited into his life. Emil fumbled with his journal and peeked inside. There was someone else's handwriting. These were not his forbidden feelings for Lukas! These were monstrous claims about his hatred for Lukas.
His orbs shook in terror. He excused himself, bolting off of the edge of the bed, and shoved open the door to find the television playing. There was no viewer. Mathias had disappeared from sight.
That asshole!
Banging on Mathias's door, his frenzied thoughts swarmed like angry bees between his ears. Lukas hurried after his roommate, confused beyond belief at Emil's actions.
"Emil, what's go-"
"Open this door, Mathias! Open it, you-" His words and insistent punches against the wooden door were interrupted when Mathias pulled back his door with a sinister smirk gracing his lips.
"Are you looking," he held up the journal teasingly, "for this?"
"Give it back!" He stepped forward to swipe it from the taller man's hand, but failed miserably.
"Lukas, listen to this," Mathias encouraged, opening up the journal to a random journal entry, "I think you'd like to know what kind of person that Emil is."
"N-No!" He fought to seize the journal on his tiptoes, "Give it back!"
Emil started to choke on anxiety-ridden tears, flailing against Mathias's torso. He towered over Emil, which made things difficult.
"Lukas is annoying. He always acts gay around me. Can't he see that I'm not interested? So annoying!"
Lukas stood there, immobilized at the next thing that Mathias read out loud.
"He's so creepy. I don't even like him as a friend, let alone a potential boyfriend!" Mathias restrained the threatening chuckles from tumbling past his lips.
"Emil?" He spoke up softly, "Is that how you really feel?"
"What! No, that's not what I wrote. I'd never say that, because I like-" He slapped a hand over his impulsive mouth. "Lukas, please, Mathias is lying to you."
"Emil, I'm not understand-"
"And," Mathias started up again, "I think I should move out. I would want nothing more than to fuck my ex-boyfriend again."
Emil's eyes were the size of saucers at the blasphemy that Mathias was spouting out. "That's a lie. Don't listen to him," he declared to Lukas and spun to glare at Mathias's smirking face, "Stop lying, Mathias!"
Mathias roared with laughter, tossing the journal in Lukas's direction. Messy drawings of Lukas and Emil kissing spilled onto the floor. A heavy blush heated up on Lukas's cheeks at all of the vulgar illustrations.
Hastily picking up Emil's journal, Lukas greedily read what he wrote about him.
"Lukas, no, stop, don't read it!" Emil rushed over to grab the journal, but Mathias swiftly grasped his forearm and tugged him backward.
"Let me go," he cried out. "Let me go, damnit!" His shrieks went mute after Lukas finished reading Emil's secrets of debauchery. The things he wanted Lukas to perform on him and how he fantasized about their future together. Truthfully, Lukas was in complete awe despite his pokerfaced expression.
"Mathias, let him go," Lukas ordered fiercely and stared into Emil's watery eyes. "I think I've seen enough. Both of you are to move out of my apartment by tomorrow morning."
Shrugging carelessly and releasing Emil's slack body from his tight grip, he twisted away to pack his things up. He didn't need to live here. He only wanted Emil out of the picture. Lukas was becoming too preoccupied with Emil's presence. Emil was considered a liability in his opinion.
He read the pages that were scribbled out about his ex-boyfriend stalking him. The fact that he was going to put Lukas's life in danger was enough for him to stir things up.
"I told ya that Emil is no good for you, Lukie!" He hollered out, pulling his suitcases into the living room.
Lukas planted his hands on his hips, glancing from Emil's crumbled form on the ground and Mathias's overly confident expression.
"Goodbye, Mathias." Lukas glared, waving him off. Mathias stared at his best friend's ignorance and shook his head disapprovingly at Emil on the floor. He left the apartment without another remark, leaving the two alone in silence.
Breathing shallowly, Lukas bent down with the journal in his hand. He sat back on his folded legs in front of Emil. "Is this really how you feel, Emil?" There was a glimmer in his indigo eyes that went unnoticed by the depressed Icelander.
He reached out to grab Emil's trembling chin with his right hand and tilted his face upward. They stared into each other's eyes. The contact felt so wrong and so right simultaneously.
"I-I…" Emil stumbled over his thoughts, gazing down to Lukas's plush lips begging to be stolen. He gulped audibly, blushing heavily, and turned his cheek away from Lukas's face.
"That isn't my journal, Lukas. Mathias framed me-"
"You don't like me?" Lukas cupped Emil's cheek, struggling to make Emil admit his genuine feelings toward him.
"That's not what I said-"
"Emil, I don't know what to say about this," he retracted his hand. His eyes drifted anywhere except at Emil.
"Lukas," Emil knitted his brows upward and continued his lie, "Mathias was the one who drew and wrote those things."
"Why were you so angry then? Why were you acting like you didn't want me to read it?"
"You don't understand. I don't-" He searched for something to repair his reputation. "I mean, we are roommates. Why would I… I mean, I don't know. Lukas, you just don't understand me."
The rejection stung Lukas right to his core. He blinked back the threatening tears and took a moment to speak up again.
"You're right, Emil." He stood up, discarding the journal to the side, and twisted away from him. "I don't understand you." There was a brief pause; heart pumping blood that created an uncomfortable sensation. "But I do know one thing."
"What?" Emil whispered out, searching Lukas's deadpan face desperately.
"You can't stay in my room." Emil's heart sank at the lost opportunity.
"We are roommates, after all. Your rent is due by next Sunday." Lukas's soothing voice was matter-of-fact and terse, which made Emil's heart freeze over.
Why is my life crumbling before my eyes? Emil squeezed his eyes shut, hearing Lukas's footsteps descend back toward his room. After the soft click of the door reached Emil's ear, he silently broke down into a million pieces.
Emil moved back into his previous room that dreadful evening. He avoided Lukas's existence as much as humanly possible the next day. Conversations were one word phrases and avoidant eye contacts. The tension was haunting them. The realization that they could never be together sent an agonizing arrow through his already bleeding heart.
Saturday night arrived much to Emil's relief and dismay. His feelings for Lukas were relentlessly fierce and passionate. Although, the fact that they were roommates ruined what connection they were building over time. Well, that and the fact that Emil denied his feelings and claimed that the entries were not his original thoughts.
Per usual, Emil showered and dressed in his new uniform for his bartending shift tonight. He wore a low-cut, button up shirt and fitted leather pants that accentuated every curve on his slender, petite body. Bending over to tug on his socks, he threw his damp towel on the hook, and made his way out of the bathroom.
"Working tonight?" Lukas's monotone voice carried across the room from the kitchen area. Emil peeped at the Norwegian briefly and crouched down to lace on his work shoes. He grabbed his wallet, and left wordlessly. Only the trail of Emil's signature cologne hit Lukas's nose.
Lukas couldn't stop thinking about Emil. He regretted what he told him about being just roommates. There was nothing in this world that could change his feelings for Emil. He read the fantasies written by Emil. He felt the same way. Now, they were behaving like strangers in their own home.
"I have to see him," Lukas muttered to himself and escaped into the bathroom to shower. He didn't need Mathias to go with him; not this time.