Disclaimer: Morning Sun and Gravitation belong to their respective owners and aren't mine.
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)
by miyamoto yui
chapter 6 – in every way.
April 12, 1996
Song of the day: Morning Sun by ?
I think that's what the title is for this song, but I've only heard it twice before. I don't know why I thought of this song, but as soon as I woke up for the photo session early this morning, I looked out the window of this hotel and thought,
"When I was a very small boy,
Very small boys talk to me.
Now that we've grown up together
They're afraid of what they see…
To the child I lost replaced by fear
I used to think that the day would never come
That my life would depend on the morning sun."
I clung onto the curtain as I looked out at Tokyo below me. I didn't feel like going out and I surely didn't feel like doing anything.
After doing that concert with Kira, I did a lot of thinking that I had wanted to avoid for so long. About my family and this eternal struggle to be the best, and yet my intentions came out wrong. They only saw what I haven't done, and not what I have done. We just couldn't understand one another because we had different systems of life. Mine involved the option to fall, they thought they were saving me from that. But I wasn't like that. I was only prepared with life to a certain point.
I didn't like such stability. Life became so boring that way.
Touma came into that stability, and yet he wasn't in that box of things. He was the person that held me together, and somehow, the independence I wanted was hypocritical. I needed him as my friend as much as he enjoyed the childishness that he could never convey to people other than myself. We were strong and weak in that sense.
But at that moment that he told me he wanted to be with Mika, there was a look in his eyes that told me that wasn't it. I couldn't grasp that, but I knew. Or rather, I tried to ignore it. Touma was my best friend, and so I couldn't say that he had not cared for me.
That wasn't fair to him, I knew. I had left him in my room just like I did so many times.
I was selfish like that.
And then there was Emily who had called me that night after Kira's concert. It was then that I looked at the wall towards Touma's room and shook my head. I held onto the wall while I talked to Emily, telling her I was doing fine and that I would be back in Los Angeles after a month.
This girl was my childhood friend was as nice as she could be, but I just couldn't feel for her. And certainly not as much as I did for Touma.
And then, Kira's story made it clear for me.
The anger I was trying to let go of was the frustration I had towards Tatsuha…
I knew I had to apologize to Touma, but I didn't know how…
Here I was distraught over why he wanted to leave me…
…and yet I had been the first to do it.
--
I came to the photo session with a wide smile. As I bounced around the room, I found Touma near the refreshments table, trying to pour some sugar into his black coffee. I said hi to Nuriko as she said good morning to me while drinking orange juice.
Before Touma had even picked up his cup, I jumped on his back and hugged him. "Good morning to you too, Touma."
Touma turned his head to me with a slight lift of his eyebrows. He smiled as he laughed, "Well, good morning to you too."
The photo session went well and when we were posing for our last shot, the photographer said to do something cute. Nuriko stood in front of me with a smile. She looked up as I grabbed Touma's head softly into my hands. I put my lips on his cheek while he began to clear his throat and blush. He smirked while Nuriko laughed.
Click.
At the end, when we were all leaving, I was turning the corner to avoid being mobbed when Touma ran after me. Can you imagine Seguchi Touma in his gloves, shades, and large, black trenchcoat running after someone? The same man who said he hated exerting energy when it wasn't needed?
"Wait!" he called out as I turned my head and stop walking.
When he was in front of me, he held onto my shoulder and said, "We need to talk."
I nodded my head. "Okay…"
We should have gone back to the hotel room, but the closest thing to privacy was NG Records. So, we ended up having coffee in a private conference room that no one knew about. Touma just opened the door for me and I went in with a nod. Closing the door behind me, he made coffee while I sat on the table, not wanting to sit in any of the chairs.
But somehow, I never touched that cup of coffee. When it was being heated, Touma came up to me and laid his palm to each side of me. Leaning forward, he looked at me in the eye while I stared at him silently.
With a sigh, he ran his fingers through his blond hair and placed his hand on the black table again to keep his balance. "You've been avoiding me."
"Well duh." I said nonchalantly with my tongue sticking out.
"You're not being fair, Ryuichi," he said as he sighed again, with his jaw tightening in irritation.
"That's a good one, Touma. I've got lots to complain about if you're talking about life and its fairness towards others." I began to laugh as I patted his hair. "_I_ wasn't fair? How? When you wanted to marry Mika in the first place, you should have gone along with it."
"Dammit, Ryuichi!" He pounded his fist on the table's surface. "You shouldn't be saying this to me after all the years you _know_ I've taken care of you!"
"Well you shouldn't then! You regret it now?!"
At that moment, in his frustration, he took my head into his hands and began to kiss me. I looked at him in alarm because this kiss was different from all the other ones he had given me. Pushing me onto the table, he began to put his hand up my shirt.
"I took care of you, you idiot, because I loved you! But you weren't fair to me!" As he began to pull on his belt, he kissed me on the chest. Then, he laid his head on my chest while putting his hands around me. "You're going to tell me I'm not fair after all the time I waited for you. And you know what? All heard when you fell asleep in my arms was the word 'Tatsuha'."
My eyes opened in shock as I looked down at his blond hair.
He then got up and looked down at me while I stared into his eyes above me. "I…"
Touma, for the first time that I had known him, was cracking. His calm mask was contorted and his tears were falling onto my cheeks. I shook my head as I looked at him.
I took a deep breath, realizing that I had been holding my breath the whole time.
He smiled at me with the grin I hated. "That's why I had him come to the concert and the television station. I wanted to see it for myself. Dammit, my pride wouldn't let me accept it."
After sighing, he closed his eyes. "The week that you spent in my house in Kyoto, that was the week I was going to ask you if you'd stay with me more than three months. I was going to ask you to stay with me forever, Ryuichi."
Opening his eyes with more tears, I began to cry too. "And then my plan backfired. The joke I was playing on you and Tatsuha actually caught me in the end."
"Touma…"
He then put his head on my shoulder and I hugged him while looking up at the white ceiling.
"I care for you, Ryuichi, but I'd be lying if I said I only loved you. And you don't need that from me."
Running my hand through his hair, I continued to stare at the ceiling. "I guess it hasn't changed huh? Since high school, when I got so jealous of…"
I closed my eyes as I hugged him tightly. I whispered, "Eiri."
It was then that we became silent. But our silence turned into laughter like children in the playground.
In this private conference room, removed from the ordinary world outside of its doors, there we were lying on top of a smooth table, bearing our hearts to people that weren't there. How much people can care for other people to find that even that could be outdone.
Intensity outweighed by a passion that consumes the soul after it eats the soul.
That's how we became closer.
Loving two brothers from the same household that didn't know we did…
"Isn't it funny?" I began to say. "You're in love with Eiri even though you have a crush on Mika?"
"And you're in love with their little brother." At that moment, he poked me on the side. In a seductive tone, he said, "Pedophile. Loving someone who's half your age."
I shook my head. "I don't know how old I am. Maybe we're the same age at this rate."
Touma got up, but when he pulled me, he hugged me while patting my back. Pressing his cheek to my hair, he said, "I don't know who has it worse. You or me?"
I couldn't answer him.
There were too many circumstances in the way. It went beyond affection, family, and all the things that came into account when it came to living life.
But if he was talking about love, the more I couldn't answer him.
What is worse? Looking at someone without being able to touch them? Or being able to be close to the object of your affections without them ever knowing?
When I looked out the balcony at 2am that night, I looked down at the city while the wind was blowing. I thought about what Touma said, and I finally came up with a reply.
He had it worse.
No matter how times I had crushes on people and they rejected me while Touma was always asked to go on dates or stuff like that, he knew what he wanted. He always watched what he wanted.
And when he marries with Mika, that opportunity would be gone forever.
Eiri will always look at him as a 'friend' and Touma was too honorable to break the fragile, honest ties with either Uesugi sibling.
As for me, I was resolved to let Tatsuha know…
Even if he'd reject me also,
I would tell him someday while waiting in my silence.
I was always childish like that.
Too honest for my own good, even when it broke me deep inside.
I went back into my room and looked at my bed, which was full of pink material, books, needles, and string. I wanted something tangible until then.
I chose pink because it's like a sakura with the legend that people were buried to make the petals pink. I prick my fingers and give my heart silently while I feel like I'm dying ever so slowly without him...
A rabbit because it's so genki and cute. It's so squeezable and soft…
It took so many hours, but as ragged as it looked at 10am in the morning, I held it up and smiled to myself "I name you Kumagorou. From this day forth, you will be with me forever. Wherever I go, you will go too."
But, you're more than a stuffed bunny.
You represent the cries when I can't describe my loneliness or happiness…
You represent my feelings towards Tatsuha himself.
I can't tell you right now,
But I will show you how much I love you.
In every way I can, Tatsuha.
In every sense that I can…
Tsuzuku…
--
Author's note: This weekend, I had a lot to think about and all the questions that I had about the format of this fic have been fixed. I think it was because I was trying to figure out where to end it. But then, when you read the end, which is a long way from here, you will understand why I ended it there.
I had the hardest time, though, trying to figure out if I should finish the haru x yuki fic because I just finished belonging nowhere yesterday. But then again, when things get me down, I think of Subaru, but do a Ryuichi fic, so here it is.
I know this was an awkward chapter, but I had to make a major transition in order to get this fic underway. I couldn't describe that Kumagorou was Tatsuha's representative, but I hope it came out the way it was supposed to.
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)
by miyamoto yui
chapter 6 – in every way.
April 12, 1996
Song of the day: Morning Sun by ?
I think that's what the title is for this song, but I've only heard it twice before. I don't know why I thought of this song, but as soon as I woke up for the photo session early this morning, I looked out the window of this hotel and thought,
"When I was a very small boy,
Very small boys talk to me.
Now that we've grown up together
They're afraid of what they see…
To the child I lost replaced by fear
I used to think that the day would never come
That my life would depend on the morning sun."
I clung onto the curtain as I looked out at Tokyo below me. I didn't feel like going out and I surely didn't feel like doing anything.
After doing that concert with Kira, I did a lot of thinking that I had wanted to avoid for so long. About my family and this eternal struggle to be the best, and yet my intentions came out wrong. They only saw what I haven't done, and not what I have done. We just couldn't understand one another because we had different systems of life. Mine involved the option to fall, they thought they were saving me from that. But I wasn't like that. I was only prepared with life to a certain point.
I didn't like such stability. Life became so boring that way.
Touma came into that stability, and yet he wasn't in that box of things. He was the person that held me together, and somehow, the independence I wanted was hypocritical. I needed him as my friend as much as he enjoyed the childishness that he could never convey to people other than myself. We were strong and weak in that sense.
But at that moment that he told me he wanted to be with Mika, there was a look in his eyes that told me that wasn't it. I couldn't grasp that, but I knew. Or rather, I tried to ignore it. Touma was my best friend, and so I couldn't say that he had not cared for me.
That wasn't fair to him, I knew. I had left him in my room just like I did so many times.
I was selfish like that.
And then there was Emily who had called me that night after Kira's concert. It was then that I looked at the wall towards Touma's room and shook my head. I held onto the wall while I talked to Emily, telling her I was doing fine and that I would be back in Los Angeles after a month.
This girl was my childhood friend was as nice as she could be, but I just couldn't feel for her. And certainly not as much as I did for Touma.
And then, Kira's story made it clear for me.
The anger I was trying to let go of was the frustration I had towards Tatsuha…
I knew I had to apologize to Touma, but I didn't know how…
Here I was distraught over why he wanted to leave me…
…and yet I had been the first to do it.
--
I came to the photo session with a wide smile. As I bounced around the room, I found Touma near the refreshments table, trying to pour some sugar into his black coffee. I said hi to Nuriko as she said good morning to me while drinking orange juice.
Before Touma had even picked up his cup, I jumped on his back and hugged him. "Good morning to you too, Touma."
Touma turned his head to me with a slight lift of his eyebrows. He smiled as he laughed, "Well, good morning to you too."
The photo session went well and when we were posing for our last shot, the photographer said to do something cute. Nuriko stood in front of me with a smile. She looked up as I grabbed Touma's head softly into my hands. I put my lips on his cheek while he began to clear his throat and blush. He smirked while Nuriko laughed.
Click.
At the end, when we were all leaving, I was turning the corner to avoid being mobbed when Touma ran after me. Can you imagine Seguchi Touma in his gloves, shades, and large, black trenchcoat running after someone? The same man who said he hated exerting energy when it wasn't needed?
"Wait!" he called out as I turned my head and stop walking.
When he was in front of me, he held onto my shoulder and said, "We need to talk."
I nodded my head. "Okay…"
We should have gone back to the hotel room, but the closest thing to privacy was NG Records. So, we ended up having coffee in a private conference room that no one knew about. Touma just opened the door for me and I went in with a nod. Closing the door behind me, he made coffee while I sat on the table, not wanting to sit in any of the chairs.
But somehow, I never touched that cup of coffee. When it was being heated, Touma came up to me and laid his palm to each side of me. Leaning forward, he looked at me in the eye while I stared at him silently.
With a sigh, he ran his fingers through his blond hair and placed his hand on the black table again to keep his balance. "You've been avoiding me."
"Well duh." I said nonchalantly with my tongue sticking out.
"You're not being fair, Ryuichi," he said as he sighed again, with his jaw tightening in irritation.
"That's a good one, Touma. I've got lots to complain about if you're talking about life and its fairness towards others." I began to laugh as I patted his hair. "_I_ wasn't fair? How? When you wanted to marry Mika in the first place, you should have gone along with it."
"Dammit, Ryuichi!" He pounded his fist on the table's surface. "You shouldn't be saying this to me after all the years you _know_ I've taken care of you!"
"Well you shouldn't then! You regret it now?!"
At that moment, in his frustration, he took my head into his hands and began to kiss me. I looked at him in alarm because this kiss was different from all the other ones he had given me. Pushing me onto the table, he began to put his hand up my shirt.
"I took care of you, you idiot, because I loved you! But you weren't fair to me!" As he began to pull on his belt, he kissed me on the chest. Then, he laid his head on my chest while putting his hands around me. "You're going to tell me I'm not fair after all the time I waited for you. And you know what? All heard when you fell asleep in my arms was the word 'Tatsuha'."
My eyes opened in shock as I looked down at his blond hair.
He then got up and looked down at me while I stared into his eyes above me. "I…"
Touma, for the first time that I had known him, was cracking. His calm mask was contorted and his tears were falling onto my cheeks. I shook my head as I looked at him.
I took a deep breath, realizing that I had been holding my breath the whole time.
He smiled at me with the grin I hated. "That's why I had him come to the concert and the television station. I wanted to see it for myself. Dammit, my pride wouldn't let me accept it."
After sighing, he closed his eyes. "The week that you spent in my house in Kyoto, that was the week I was going to ask you if you'd stay with me more than three months. I was going to ask you to stay with me forever, Ryuichi."
Opening his eyes with more tears, I began to cry too. "And then my plan backfired. The joke I was playing on you and Tatsuha actually caught me in the end."
"Touma…"
He then put his head on my shoulder and I hugged him while looking up at the white ceiling.
"I care for you, Ryuichi, but I'd be lying if I said I only loved you. And you don't need that from me."
Running my hand through his hair, I continued to stare at the ceiling. "I guess it hasn't changed huh? Since high school, when I got so jealous of…"
I closed my eyes as I hugged him tightly. I whispered, "Eiri."
It was then that we became silent. But our silence turned into laughter like children in the playground.
In this private conference room, removed from the ordinary world outside of its doors, there we were lying on top of a smooth table, bearing our hearts to people that weren't there. How much people can care for other people to find that even that could be outdone.
Intensity outweighed by a passion that consumes the soul after it eats the soul.
That's how we became closer.
Loving two brothers from the same household that didn't know we did…
"Isn't it funny?" I began to say. "You're in love with Eiri even though you have a crush on Mika?"
"And you're in love with their little brother." At that moment, he poked me on the side. In a seductive tone, he said, "Pedophile. Loving someone who's half your age."
I shook my head. "I don't know how old I am. Maybe we're the same age at this rate."
Touma got up, but when he pulled me, he hugged me while patting my back. Pressing his cheek to my hair, he said, "I don't know who has it worse. You or me?"
I couldn't answer him.
There were too many circumstances in the way. It went beyond affection, family, and all the things that came into account when it came to living life.
But if he was talking about love, the more I couldn't answer him.
What is worse? Looking at someone without being able to touch them? Or being able to be close to the object of your affections without them ever knowing?
When I looked out the balcony at 2am that night, I looked down at the city while the wind was blowing. I thought about what Touma said, and I finally came up with a reply.
He had it worse.
No matter how times I had crushes on people and they rejected me while Touma was always asked to go on dates or stuff like that, he knew what he wanted. He always watched what he wanted.
And when he marries with Mika, that opportunity would be gone forever.
Eiri will always look at him as a 'friend' and Touma was too honorable to break the fragile, honest ties with either Uesugi sibling.
As for me, I was resolved to let Tatsuha know…
Even if he'd reject me also,
I would tell him someday while waiting in my silence.
I was always childish like that.
Too honest for my own good, even when it broke me deep inside.
I went back into my room and looked at my bed, which was full of pink material, books, needles, and string. I wanted something tangible until then.
I chose pink because it's like a sakura with the legend that people were buried to make the petals pink. I prick my fingers and give my heart silently while I feel like I'm dying ever so slowly without him...
A rabbit because it's so genki and cute. It's so squeezable and soft…
It took so many hours, but as ragged as it looked at 10am in the morning, I held it up and smiled to myself "I name you Kumagorou. From this day forth, you will be with me forever. Wherever I go, you will go too."
But, you're more than a stuffed bunny.
You represent the cries when I can't describe my loneliness or happiness…
You represent my feelings towards Tatsuha himself.
I can't tell you right now,
But I will show you how much I love you.
In every way I can, Tatsuha.
In every sense that I can…
Tsuzuku…
--
Author's note: This weekend, I had a lot to think about and all the questions that I had about the format of this fic have been fixed. I think it was because I was trying to figure out where to end it. But then, when you read the end, which is a long way from here, you will understand why I ended it there.
I had the hardest time, though, trying to figure out if I should finish the haru x yuki fic because I just finished belonging nowhere yesterday. But then again, when things get me down, I think of Subaru, but do a Ryuichi fic, so here it is.
I know this was an awkward chapter, but I had to make a major transition in order to get this fic underway. I couldn't describe that Kumagorou was Tatsuha's representative, but I hope it came out the way it was supposed to.