Disclaimer: Gravitation isn't mine.
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)
By miyamoto yui
Chapter 7 – Only getting deeper.
April 21st, 1996
Song of the day: Romancing Train by Move
Since the day we had talked things out, Touma and I were as close as we could ever be. And without being lovers. But at the way I acted, you couldn't really tell whom I favored. I'd hug Touma from behind but I'd jam with Nuriko until we were laughing on the ground, trying to be as unserious about everything as possible. She may have been harsh and more mature ever since she got married, but she was also very playful if you talked about something she loved. Of course, her ultimate love was music.
But no one could deny that if you touched Kumagorou without permission, then you were dead. Some of the people around us thought I had really lost my mind. Touma just patted my head understandingly saying to me, "The bunny's cute, Ryuichi." That and he gave me a look that said, "It's so you that I don't even want to comment or explain this to anyone."
Nuriko looked at it and hugged it. "It's so cute!"
Well, I was playing with Kumagorou on my lap while we were driving to the Uesugi's place because the final arrangements for the marriage were being made. I wouldn't be able to make it because I had to do a single when I got back to America, but Touma thought he should take me back to Kyoto before I left.
If I didn't know any better, I wouldn't have come. Touma was sensitive like that, though. He always wanted me around him to balance out his calmness.
He'd talk and talk and talk…Yes, this is the same Seguchi Touma who only gives the most concise, yet meaningful retorts known to mankind.
I was talking to Kumagorou saying, "We're going to Tatsuha's house."
Touma looked out the window, but he patted my head gently. He sighed and I glanced at him while putting Kumagorou onto his lap. "Don't be depressed."
With his fingers on his chin, he sighed again. "Eiri…"
For the first time, he actually said his name with his guard down. Someone pining away in his mind.
"Poor Touma…" I put my head on his shoulder.
To cheer him up, I laughed while saying, "So where are you and Mika going on your honeymoon?"
"Hawaii or London." He laughed a bit. "I couldn't decide and she wanted to be surprised. Maybe it'll shock her if I said both. What do you think?"
"Sounds good."
At that moment, I looked at my empty hands and glanced at Touma's lap, where Kumagorou was temporarily placed. "Why…why did you bring me with you?"
"Because I wanted to."
"I see."
When we got closer and closer to the house, I was getting nervous. I didn't know what to expect, but I wanted to see his face. I know it sounded like I was some teenager seeing their crush, but that's how he made me feel. Every time I thought of him, I thought of the embarrassed smile, but of course, I still hadn't told Touma about the letter.
It was something I wanted to figure out for myself.
I looked everywhere like a little kid when we got to their house, but Touma didn't mind me. Mika-san was as nice as ever by smiling and greeting us, "Konnichiwa!"
We just spent the afternoon drinking tea when Eiri came into the room. He was passing by quietly with his nose in a book. It was the same every time I saw him. I just never saw Tatsuha. I had heard of him, but our 'accidental' meeting was the first time we met, though informally.
Eiri bowed his head and lifted his hand, but went away still reading. Mika, exasperated, took a sip of her tea saying, "I really wonder what's going through his head."
Touma, laughing, answered, "Lots of things that we don't know about."
I was just watching them, but I could see things from a fragmented point of view. These fragments were coming together. Mika, who had always had a crush on Touma, was obviously into Touma. Touma, who always stared at her, was just as in love with her.
But…
There was still Eiri. Except, I didn't know anything that would make Eiri so special to Touma…
Don't get me wrong. I liked Eiri, but Touma was hard to read about whom he really preferred, and since he had given up on me…well, that's that.
"Tatsuha isn't any better," Mika laughed as she took another sip of her tea.
Touma put his cup on the table before him. "So, where is he?"
"Do you think we'll let him loose while Sakuma Ryuichi's here?" She patted my hand. "Ah, Ryuichi-san! I didn't want him to bother you."
"Bother me?" I looked at her confused as I cocked my head to one side.
"I was surprised Tatsuha was so calm. Well, from what Touma described when he accidentally went into your room. I'm sorry about that, by the way…" She bowed her head embarrassed. "But Tatsuha is so obsessed!"
"I'm sure he's going through a phase," I said with a smile.
But deep inside, I was holding my breath as I said this.
A reality yet unknown, but I didn't want to know it yet.
"I hope he is…" She shook her head. "You know we love you, but at the rate he's going, he has to slow down a bit."
"Ah…"
Touma just continued to drink his tea, but he rose up his hand. "Mind if I take a peek at his collection with Ryuichi so that I know what to get him next time?"
Mika bowed her head, "Sure, no problem."
As we went up the stairs, I looked at Touma uncertainly. My eyes said, "What the hell are you doing?"
He shook his head as he smirked at me. "I know what I'm doing, so just trust me," said the look.
When he opened Tatsuha's room, I blinked for a moment. I took a double take as I stepped into his room. I had been a devoted fan to Shinya, but I never thought that one day, someone would do the same for me. Actually, he outdid me.
I stepped towards a poster of myself on the wall. It looked almost life-sized. I stood there looking at myself in awe.
Touma looked at me. "This is why I brought you here."
"Why?" I turned around and saw boxes and other trinkets all around the room for Nittle Grasper and separate items for myself.
"Do you want to get to know him, Ryuichi?" Touma folded his arms as he looked at me.
I touched the poster of myself and looked into my own eyes. How different to look at yourself from this end.
How misguided people are about me.
Or rather, they knew the part of me that loved music to the point of excessive passion.
What does he see whenever he look at this?
I looked at Touma with determined eyes. "Yes, I do."
"Even if there might be a time that he'll forget about you?" He sighed as he shook his head. "Right now, you're just a hobby to him, Ryuichi. He's only thirteen. You know how teenagers are."
I closed my eyes. "Yes."
I know he was concerned, but I felt like the more I wanted Tatsuha, the more lost I would become.
"Your affection is totally different from his, Ryuichi." Touma continued to look at me while I avoided looking into his eyes. "Why do you care so much for him?"
I held onto Kumagorou tightly.
"He gave me a fan letter," I answered quietly.
"And what was in that letter?"
"Hope."
Hope to become better,
Hope of not being alone,
Hope to understand what I'm looking for in life.
When we were closing the door to Tatsuha's room, Touma gave me an inquisitive look that looked a little perplexed at the answer I had given him. He wanted to know more, but he also knew that it would be hard to do so without me becoming depressed and serious.
Touma began to laugh at me as he looked at my childish answer and the way I was acting. "Ryuichi…"
He began to rub my shoulders and we went down the stairs. "Okay, to cheer you up, what do I get the boy that has everything?"
I looked at him and desparately answered, "I want him, Touma. That's all I want. I don't need anything else."
He wasn't a 'want' anymore.
I needed him to live.
At that moment, Touma stopped walking down the stairs as I was bowing my head to Mika to let her know we were leaving. I laughed cutely while going back for Touma in the stairway while pulling on his sleeve.
When we were driving away, he didn't say anything as he looked out the window. I leaned on his shoulder as he put his arm around me warmly.
It was only now that he began to understand how deeply Tatsuha was cutting inside of me. Noticing how, for the first time in my life, I had been so focused. Answering without hesitation or fear.
He now could see how quietly I had been ripping myself apart in my silence and smiles around everyone…
It was much worse than his affection for Eiri…
…and it was only getting deeper as the seconds of the day went by.
Tsuzuku…
--
Author's note: I don't know why, but I'm so particular about what I listen to. It depends on my mood and then it has to be in sync with what I'm writing. Not being too heavy or too light, but just the right touch. I picked Romancing Train this time because Ryuichi's now focused, even though he knows it will be a painful bath. He'll make it look like nothing because he's just awesome like that.
I just had the hardest time doing the last few lines. What represents Ryuichi's affection? Why _would_ he care so much about some teenager's letter? What made Tatsuha so special? I know that I could have made Ryuichi answer many things, but that single response was the best that I could come up with. It also expressed it the best.
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)
By miyamoto yui
Chapter 7 – Only getting deeper.
April 21st, 1996
Song of the day: Romancing Train by Move
Since the day we had talked things out, Touma and I were as close as we could ever be. And without being lovers. But at the way I acted, you couldn't really tell whom I favored. I'd hug Touma from behind but I'd jam with Nuriko until we were laughing on the ground, trying to be as unserious about everything as possible. She may have been harsh and more mature ever since she got married, but she was also very playful if you talked about something she loved. Of course, her ultimate love was music.
But no one could deny that if you touched Kumagorou without permission, then you were dead. Some of the people around us thought I had really lost my mind. Touma just patted my head understandingly saying to me, "The bunny's cute, Ryuichi." That and he gave me a look that said, "It's so you that I don't even want to comment or explain this to anyone."
Nuriko looked at it and hugged it. "It's so cute!"
Well, I was playing with Kumagorou on my lap while we were driving to the Uesugi's place because the final arrangements for the marriage were being made. I wouldn't be able to make it because I had to do a single when I got back to America, but Touma thought he should take me back to Kyoto before I left.
If I didn't know any better, I wouldn't have come. Touma was sensitive like that, though. He always wanted me around him to balance out his calmness.
He'd talk and talk and talk…Yes, this is the same Seguchi Touma who only gives the most concise, yet meaningful retorts known to mankind.
I was talking to Kumagorou saying, "We're going to Tatsuha's house."
Touma looked out the window, but he patted my head gently. He sighed and I glanced at him while putting Kumagorou onto his lap. "Don't be depressed."
With his fingers on his chin, he sighed again. "Eiri…"
For the first time, he actually said his name with his guard down. Someone pining away in his mind.
"Poor Touma…" I put my head on his shoulder.
To cheer him up, I laughed while saying, "So where are you and Mika going on your honeymoon?"
"Hawaii or London." He laughed a bit. "I couldn't decide and she wanted to be surprised. Maybe it'll shock her if I said both. What do you think?"
"Sounds good."
At that moment, I looked at my empty hands and glanced at Touma's lap, where Kumagorou was temporarily placed. "Why…why did you bring me with you?"
"Because I wanted to."
"I see."
When we got closer and closer to the house, I was getting nervous. I didn't know what to expect, but I wanted to see his face. I know it sounded like I was some teenager seeing their crush, but that's how he made me feel. Every time I thought of him, I thought of the embarrassed smile, but of course, I still hadn't told Touma about the letter.
It was something I wanted to figure out for myself.
I looked everywhere like a little kid when we got to their house, but Touma didn't mind me. Mika-san was as nice as ever by smiling and greeting us, "Konnichiwa!"
We just spent the afternoon drinking tea when Eiri came into the room. He was passing by quietly with his nose in a book. It was the same every time I saw him. I just never saw Tatsuha. I had heard of him, but our 'accidental' meeting was the first time we met, though informally.
Eiri bowed his head and lifted his hand, but went away still reading. Mika, exasperated, took a sip of her tea saying, "I really wonder what's going through his head."
Touma, laughing, answered, "Lots of things that we don't know about."
I was just watching them, but I could see things from a fragmented point of view. These fragments were coming together. Mika, who had always had a crush on Touma, was obviously into Touma. Touma, who always stared at her, was just as in love with her.
But…
There was still Eiri. Except, I didn't know anything that would make Eiri so special to Touma…
Don't get me wrong. I liked Eiri, but Touma was hard to read about whom he really preferred, and since he had given up on me…well, that's that.
"Tatsuha isn't any better," Mika laughed as she took another sip of her tea.
Touma put his cup on the table before him. "So, where is he?"
"Do you think we'll let him loose while Sakuma Ryuichi's here?" She patted my hand. "Ah, Ryuichi-san! I didn't want him to bother you."
"Bother me?" I looked at her confused as I cocked my head to one side.
"I was surprised Tatsuha was so calm. Well, from what Touma described when he accidentally went into your room. I'm sorry about that, by the way…" She bowed her head embarrassed. "But Tatsuha is so obsessed!"
"I'm sure he's going through a phase," I said with a smile.
But deep inside, I was holding my breath as I said this.
A reality yet unknown, but I didn't want to know it yet.
"I hope he is…" She shook her head. "You know we love you, but at the rate he's going, he has to slow down a bit."
"Ah…"
Touma just continued to drink his tea, but he rose up his hand. "Mind if I take a peek at his collection with Ryuichi so that I know what to get him next time?"
Mika bowed her head, "Sure, no problem."
As we went up the stairs, I looked at Touma uncertainly. My eyes said, "What the hell are you doing?"
He shook his head as he smirked at me. "I know what I'm doing, so just trust me," said the look.
When he opened Tatsuha's room, I blinked for a moment. I took a double take as I stepped into his room. I had been a devoted fan to Shinya, but I never thought that one day, someone would do the same for me. Actually, he outdid me.
I stepped towards a poster of myself on the wall. It looked almost life-sized. I stood there looking at myself in awe.
Touma looked at me. "This is why I brought you here."
"Why?" I turned around and saw boxes and other trinkets all around the room for Nittle Grasper and separate items for myself.
"Do you want to get to know him, Ryuichi?" Touma folded his arms as he looked at me.
I touched the poster of myself and looked into my own eyes. How different to look at yourself from this end.
How misguided people are about me.
Or rather, they knew the part of me that loved music to the point of excessive passion.
What does he see whenever he look at this?
I looked at Touma with determined eyes. "Yes, I do."
"Even if there might be a time that he'll forget about you?" He sighed as he shook his head. "Right now, you're just a hobby to him, Ryuichi. He's only thirteen. You know how teenagers are."
I closed my eyes. "Yes."
I know he was concerned, but I felt like the more I wanted Tatsuha, the more lost I would become.
"Your affection is totally different from his, Ryuichi." Touma continued to look at me while I avoided looking into his eyes. "Why do you care so much for him?"
I held onto Kumagorou tightly.
"He gave me a fan letter," I answered quietly.
"And what was in that letter?"
"Hope."
Hope to become better,
Hope of not being alone,
Hope to understand what I'm looking for in life.
When we were closing the door to Tatsuha's room, Touma gave me an inquisitive look that looked a little perplexed at the answer I had given him. He wanted to know more, but he also knew that it would be hard to do so without me becoming depressed and serious.
Touma began to laugh at me as he looked at my childish answer and the way I was acting. "Ryuichi…"
He began to rub my shoulders and we went down the stairs. "Okay, to cheer you up, what do I get the boy that has everything?"
I looked at him and desparately answered, "I want him, Touma. That's all I want. I don't need anything else."
He wasn't a 'want' anymore.
I needed him to live.
At that moment, Touma stopped walking down the stairs as I was bowing my head to Mika to let her know we were leaving. I laughed cutely while going back for Touma in the stairway while pulling on his sleeve.
When we were driving away, he didn't say anything as he looked out the window. I leaned on his shoulder as he put his arm around me warmly.
It was only now that he began to understand how deeply Tatsuha was cutting inside of me. Noticing how, for the first time in my life, I had been so focused. Answering without hesitation or fear.
He now could see how quietly I had been ripping myself apart in my silence and smiles around everyone…
It was much worse than his affection for Eiri…
…and it was only getting deeper as the seconds of the day went by.
Tsuzuku…
--
Author's note: I don't know why, but I'm so particular about what I listen to. It depends on my mood and then it has to be in sync with what I'm writing. Not being too heavy or too light, but just the right touch. I picked Romancing Train this time because Ryuichi's now focused, even though he knows it will be a painful bath. He'll make it look like nothing because he's just awesome like that.
I just had the hardest time doing the last few lines. What represents Ryuichi's affection? Why _would_ he care so much about some teenager's letter? What made Tatsuha so special? I know that I could have made Ryuichi answer many things, but that single response was the best that I could come up with. It also expressed it the best.