Disclaimer: Yui doesn't own Gravi or Bu Dam's song. They belong to their respective owners.
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)
by miyamoto yui
Chapter 8 – suteki. (wonderful.)
May 3rdth, 1996
Song of the day: Bu Dam by ?
I picked this song to listen to because it has a violin and I love violins. They're so expressive, and do so without words. That's the only I can describe myself and how I feel right now.
Even if the songs words are all in Korean and it's upbeat, I know it's a sad song. I can feel it.
And the only thing I understand is 'I love you'.
I've arrived in Los Angeles, but I haven't let anyone know that I've come earlier than I had planned. If I had a choice, I'd stay in Japan and not come back. Ever.
Many people don't understand when I say I think about many things, but then I'm not the best about saying personal things. Especially about relatives.
Since birth I've been pricked, oiled, and fried under their looks and words. You may find this funny, but this is a NICE way of describing everything. Not only have I been insulted or other more than once, but I've been trying to get away from them for the longest time. I'd turn naturally to my parents, but once I knew they wouldn't help me, I knew that I was all on my own.
How do I describe this? It may take ages before I can compile a sufficient answer to everything. All I can truly say is that by watching them, I understood, what I _didn't_ want to become. I knew by the first time they looked at me and kept on commenting on my weight or that I looked different from my parents that there was something definitely wrong. If I recall, people have asked me if I was adopted because I didn't look like my parents or the fact that I keep on doing things 'a different way'. Rather, it was 'their way'.
No, I wasn't a rebel. I did exactly as my parents had wanted. I took a fiancé, went to college and passed, and fulfilled all my obligations as their only child to this 'rich' family. And that's all it equated to. Money.
I don't know how people can be so consumed with money, but I knew I didn't want it to rule over me. So, I told them that I didn't want to inherit their company or marry into Emily's family. I disowned them and even though they said they disowned me, they still kept me.
I shake my head at all this. This still didn't sound right.
I made it seem like everyone's evil, though for a time, that was so true to me. I wasn't any better, but I knew that I was above them.
They didn't know what sincerity was.
And as a result of all this fighting with them and within myself, I was slowly going insane. That's when I started to have anxiety attacks, when I left my family and traveled back to Japan to do singing.
But it was too late. The years of depression had taken their toll.
I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat well either. Things were stressing me out to the point that I was going for days with little food and even throwing it up. After going to a psychiatrist, I went out of that clinic thinking I'd never step inside there again. They said I needed to get better with 'sleeping pills'. I smiled, took the prescription and never came back.
That's what forced me to think that I needed to get things in order.
Keep things calm.
Be awake to reality.
Things were going well for a while until I had to visit my parents and relatives. A relapse happened, but I came back to Nuriko and Touma as genki as ever.
Up and down and up and down.
Genki in front of them while I'd tear myself apart when I was alone.
No one knew because I was smiling. I didn't want anyone worrying over me.
I didn't want anyone to know because I needed to figure this out myself.
But I got sicker.
As we were getting popular, the more I felt crowded, even though I was happy that things were going so well. After press conferences, I would have to go to the bathroom right afterwards. When concerts were done, I had to immediately go to sleep or I would have been shaking all night thinking that things were way too crowded for me.
Too many people…
Because so many people used to crowd around me and talk…
From classmates who left me out of games to adults who would question my family name…
It stayed unconsciously in my head until I grew older…
Then, one day, Touma found out.
The sempai I always had a crush on and didn't want his opinion of me to change looked at me incredulously as he found me vomiting when he came into our hotel room. We had to share rooms that time and he walked in to find me in the bathroom with the door closed shut.
"I'm fine," I laughed as I held onto the toilet bowl.
I turned on the water faucet as I brushed my teeth and flushed the bowl. But Touma stood in front of me when I opened the door. "What's going on, Ryuichi?"
"I got dizzy. Too much excitement," I said as I put my hand sheepishly in back of my head while trying to get past him.
"You used that excuse the last time," he firmly said. He wouldn't let me pass.
I looked at him desparately as I began to cough and I started to have a hard time breathing. I pushed him away as I shouted, "Get away from me! Don't look at me! Leave me alone! I can handle it!"
He shook his head as he put his arms around me and plopped on his bed. He held me even though I resisted. "I can't breathe!"
But, he just let go slightly while rubbing my back. "Take a deep breath."
I started to cry as I tried to break away. "Stop being so nice to me. Go away…don't pity me!"
Touma shook his head as I began to breathe a bit easier. Then, when I calmed down, he hugged me tightly. "I care about you, Ryuichi, so don't think that."
I closed my eyes as I felt comforted for the first time in my life. I held onto his sleeve. "Thank you, Touma…for being my friend."
It may seem silly, but after 20 years of running away from people and not wanting to be hurt, I finally found someone who didn't think I was so strange. I thought he would have left me once he knew, but he didn't.
It happened when…
I shook my head as we stood at a bridge when I was going truly insane and wanted to jump off. I had felt that I was all alone, but some part of me said, "Call Touma. He'll know what to do if you don't."
I did, and when he appeared running towards me, I shouted, "Tell me that this is wrong!"
When I stood at the railing, I was shaking my head and crying while not knowing what to do. I kept thinking how they would find my body and that I had disappointed only Touma. That's why he had come to mind. He was the only one who cared a damn about me.
He shouted out of frustration, "What the fuck are you scared about?! I'm your best friend and you still push me away! I love you, for god's sake!"
"I hate being alone…" I kept on repeating inside of my mind, not really hearing him. "I hate my life…"
"Ryuichi!" He took a hold of me and hugged me. "Don't scare me like that…"
"I don't like living like this, Touma. I'm so tired of it…" I said as I gulped.
"I understand…I know what you're going through, Ryuichi…" He shook his head.
As we walked back to his car, he sighed while still holding onto me. "You said you wanted to be somebody, Ryuichi. And I believe in that."
I went into his car as he closed the door while settling into his seat. I looked at him with spinning thoughts. "I'm so sorry, Touma…"
He smiled as he patted my shoulder. While driving, he said, "If you died, I would cry."
Even though there were still tears in my eyes, I smiled at him. "Thank you."
And that's how I started to fall even more for Touma and get a little bit better.
--
Now, as I look at Emily, I tell her that I'll be going back to Japan after recording. I need to find something that I've left there. She doesn't understand, but she kisses me on the cheek as she leaves while I look at her wondering when I would be able to go against my parents and hurt this nice girl.
But I shake my head and look at pictures Touma has sent. In between proofs for our multiple shoots, concerts, and adverts, he includes one particular picture in the bunch.
It is Tatsuha smiling at the camera. He's leaning on the wall with his legs crossed as his eyes are looking at the poster of me on the wall. Written on the back is:
"I asked him what he loved about you the best. He said your eyes. I asked him why, and he said that he thought it was awesome when you performed on stage, but that he loved it when you smiled in interviews. He believed that was the 'ordinary, lovable' you. – Touma"
At that moment, I left the studio, went to buy a frame and came home. I went straight to bed, but not without framing the picture to put it by my bedside.
You will understand someday, Tatsuha, why your letter changed my life.
No one had said kinder words to me…
The life I wanted to waste was actually helping someone else.
Maybe I'm childish and stupid that way, but every time I read that letter or look at your picture, I keep on thinking, "He knows something about me that I even I don't know about. I want to see what he sees."
"Ordinary and lovable?" I smiled to myself. "I never really thought of myself as that before. "
For the first time in a long time, I was smiling while going to sleep soundly.
And of course, with Kumagorou next to me.
If you keep on telling me things like this,
I'll be able to conquer anything, Tatsuha.
You make me just want to become a better person.
I'm starting to feel as wonderful as you think I am.
Someday…
I'll really be someone worthy of your love and admiration.
Then, I'll be able to face you for real instead of us both looking at pictures.
Until then…
I reached over to the frame and kissed it. But instead of putting it back, I hugged it with Kumagorou in my arms.
"Good night, Tatsuha. I love you."
Tsuzuku…
--
Author's note: I know it's long about the family stuff, but I actually wanted a scene. But then I opted against it because if I did that, then it would get too personal on my part. Plus, I hope the explanations were good enough. ^^;;;
Oh, and thank you guys for reading so far!! ;_; You guys are so wonderful about the feedback!
I know Ryu's really angsty here, but I wanted to really make a believable Ryu who's struggling to believe in himself, fall in love, and fighting his mental issues.
I'd like to especially say thanks to Teresa for always making me feel my best at writing and to Adri, my beautiful muse.
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)
by miyamoto yui
Chapter 8 – suteki. (wonderful.)
May 3rdth, 1996
Song of the day: Bu Dam by ?
I picked this song to listen to because it has a violin and I love violins. They're so expressive, and do so without words. That's the only I can describe myself and how I feel right now.
Even if the songs words are all in Korean and it's upbeat, I know it's a sad song. I can feel it.
And the only thing I understand is 'I love you'.
I've arrived in Los Angeles, but I haven't let anyone know that I've come earlier than I had planned. If I had a choice, I'd stay in Japan and not come back. Ever.
Many people don't understand when I say I think about many things, but then I'm not the best about saying personal things. Especially about relatives.
Since birth I've been pricked, oiled, and fried under their looks and words. You may find this funny, but this is a NICE way of describing everything. Not only have I been insulted or other more than once, but I've been trying to get away from them for the longest time. I'd turn naturally to my parents, but once I knew they wouldn't help me, I knew that I was all on my own.
How do I describe this? It may take ages before I can compile a sufficient answer to everything. All I can truly say is that by watching them, I understood, what I _didn't_ want to become. I knew by the first time they looked at me and kept on commenting on my weight or that I looked different from my parents that there was something definitely wrong. If I recall, people have asked me if I was adopted because I didn't look like my parents or the fact that I keep on doing things 'a different way'. Rather, it was 'their way'.
No, I wasn't a rebel. I did exactly as my parents had wanted. I took a fiancé, went to college and passed, and fulfilled all my obligations as their only child to this 'rich' family. And that's all it equated to. Money.
I don't know how people can be so consumed with money, but I knew I didn't want it to rule over me. So, I told them that I didn't want to inherit their company or marry into Emily's family. I disowned them and even though they said they disowned me, they still kept me.
I shake my head at all this. This still didn't sound right.
I made it seem like everyone's evil, though for a time, that was so true to me. I wasn't any better, but I knew that I was above them.
They didn't know what sincerity was.
And as a result of all this fighting with them and within myself, I was slowly going insane. That's when I started to have anxiety attacks, when I left my family and traveled back to Japan to do singing.
But it was too late. The years of depression had taken their toll.
I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat well either. Things were stressing me out to the point that I was going for days with little food and even throwing it up. After going to a psychiatrist, I went out of that clinic thinking I'd never step inside there again. They said I needed to get better with 'sleeping pills'. I smiled, took the prescription and never came back.
That's what forced me to think that I needed to get things in order.
Keep things calm.
Be awake to reality.
Things were going well for a while until I had to visit my parents and relatives. A relapse happened, but I came back to Nuriko and Touma as genki as ever.
Up and down and up and down.
Genki in front of them while I'd tear myself apart when I was alone.
No one knew because I was smiling. I didn't want anyone worrying over me.
I didn't want anyone to know because I needed to figure this out myself.
But I got sicker.
As we were getting popular, the more I felt crowded, even though I was happy that things were going so well. After press conferences, I would have to go to the bathroom right afterwards. When concerts were done, I had to immediately go to sleep or I would have been shaking all night thinking that things were way too crowded for me.
Too many people…
Because so many people used to crowd around me and talk…
From classmates who left me out of games to adults who would question my family name…
It stayed unconsciously in my head until I grew older…
Then, one day, Touma found out.
The sempai I always had a crush on and didn't want his opinion of me to change looked at me incredulously as he found me vomiting when he came into our hotel room. We had to share rooms that time and he walked in to find me in the bathroom with the door closed shut.
"I'm fine," I laughed as I held onto the toilet bowl.
I turned on the water faucet as I brushed my teeth and flushed the bowl. But Touma stood in front of me when I opened the door. "What's going on, Ryuichi?"
"I got dizzy. Too much excitement," I said as I put my hand sheepishly in back of my head while trying to get past him.
"You used that excuse the last time," he firmly said. He wouldn't let me pass.
I looked at him desparately as I began to cough and I started to have a hard time breathing. I pushed him away as I shouted, "Get away from me! Don't look at me! Leave me alone! I can handle it!"
He shook his head as he put his arms around me and plopped on his bed. He held me even though I resisted. "I can't breathe!"
But, he just let go slightly while rubbing my back. "Take a deep breath."
I started to cry as I tried to break away. "Stop being so nice to me. Go away…don't pity me!"
Touma shook his head as I began to breathe a bit easier. Then, when I calmed down, he hugged me tightly. "I care about you, Ryuichi, so don't think that."
I closed my eyes as I felt comforted for the first time in my life. I held onto his sleeve. "Thank you, Touma…for being my friend."
It may seem silly, but after 20 years of running away from people and not wanting to be hurt, I finally found someone who didn't think I was so strange. I thought he would have left me once he knew, but he didn't.
It happened when…
I shook my head as we stood at a bridge when I was going truly insane and wanted to jump off. I had felt that I was all alone, but some part of me said, "Call Touma. He'll know what to do if you don't."
I did, and when he appeared running towards me, I shouted, "Tell me that this is wrong!"
When I stood at the railing, I was shaking my head and crying while not knowing what to do. I kept thinking how they would find my body and that I had disappointed only Touma. That's why he had come to mind. He was the only one who cared a damn about me.
He shouted out of frustration, "What the fuck are you scared about?! I'm your best friend and you still push me away! I love you, for god's sake!"
"I hate being alone…" I kept on repeating inside of my mind, not really hearing him. "I hate my life…"
"Ryuichi!" He took a hold of me and hugged me. "Don't scare me like that…"
"I don't like living like this, Touma. I'm so tired of it…" I said as I gulped.
"I understand…I know what you're going through, Ryuichi…" He shook his head.
As we walked back to his car, he sighed while still holding onto me. "You said you wanted to be somebody, Ryuichi. And I believe in that."
I went into his car as he closed the door while settling into his seat. I looked at him with spinning thoughts. "I'm so sorry, Touma…"
He smiled as he patted my shoulder. While driving, he said, "If you died, I would cry."
Even though there were still tears in my eyes, I smiled at him. "Thank you."
And that's how I started to fall even more for Touma and get a little bit better.
--
Now, as I look at Emily, I tell her that I'll be going back to Japan after recording. I need to find something that I've left there. She doesn't understand, but she kisses me on the cheek as she leaves while I look at her wondering when I would be able to go against my parents and hurt this nice girl.
But I shake my head and look at pictures Touma has sent. In between proofs for our multiple shoots, concerts, and adverts, he includes one particular picture in the bunch.
It is Tatsuha smiling at the camera. He's leaning on the wall with his legs crossed as his eyes are looking at the poster of me on the wall. Written on the back is:
"I asked him what he loved about you the best. He said your eyes. I asked him why, and he said that he thought it was awesome when you performed on stage, but that he loved it when you smiled in interviews. He believed that was the 'ordinary, lovable' you. – Touma"
At that moment, I left the studio, went to buy a frame and came home. I went straight to bed, but not without framing the picture to put it by my bedside.
You will understand someday, Tatsuha, why your letter changed my life.
No one had said kinder words to me…
The life I wanted to waste was actually helping someone else.
Maybe I'm childish and stupid that way, but every time I read that letter or look at your picture, I keep on thinking, "He knows something about me that I even I don't know about. I want to see what he sees."
"Ordinary and lovable?" I smiled to myself. "I never really thought of myself as that before. "
For the first time in a long time, I was smiling while going to sleep soundly.
And of course, with Kumagorou next to me.
If you keep on telling me things like this,
I'll be able to conquer anything, Tatsuha.
You make me just want to become a better person.
I'm starting to feel as wonderful as you think I am.
Someday…
I'll really be someone worthy of your love and admiration.
Then, I'll be able to face you for real instead of us both looking at pictures.
Until then…
I reached over to the frame and kissed it. But instead of putting it back, I hugged it with Kumagorou in my arms.
"Good night, Tatsuha. I love you."
Tsuzuku…
--
Author's note: I know it's long about the family stuff, but I actually wanted a scene. But then I opted against it because if I did that, then it would get too personal on my part. Plus, I hope the explanations were good enough. ^^;;;
Oh, and thank you guys for reading so far!! ;_; You guys are so wonderful about the feedback!
I know Ryu's really angsty here, but I wanted to really make a believable Ryu who's struggling to believe in himself, fall in love, and fighting his mental issues.
I'd like to especially say thanks to Teresa for always making me feel my best at writing and to Adri, my beautiful muse.