Disclaimer: none of the songs, except kiku are mine. Gravitation belongs to Murakami-sensei.
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)
by miyamoto yui
Chapter 10 – Koko. Asoko. (Here. There.)
September 9th, 1996
Song of the day: Feel Like Dance by Globe
These past few months have been killer for me. Travelling from city to city and country to country! This whole Asian tour has taken all of my time, but before I go to sleep, I want to remember that I had a dream of Tatsuha today.
In this dream, I had told Touma that I would help Tatsuha for some talent show in school. He didn't want to do it, but he was pressured to do so. I had to help him in a crash course in singing and dancing, even though I wasn't too good with the latter.
When he got the hang of it, he really got into it. But, in the end, he was so tired while we were lying on the floor while leaning on the wall. He fell asleep and leaned to one side. I was too tired and happy to move him. And that's how I woke up.
Maybe it was trying to tell me of Eiri's new package while we were touring here in Hong Kong. I looked down at the harbor with all the lights. Leaning on the railing, I looked at the new picture of Tatsuha. He was sleeping in a tank top and shorts, but he looked like a little kid since the covers were all over the place.
On the back, Eiri had written: "You owe me for this one. Oh, and one more thing, he talks when he sleeps. He ends up mumbling some of your lyrics. - Eiri"
I nodded my head and smiled. "Yeah?"
I wonder what you dream about and if I'll be able to talk to you about that.
As for me, I'm looking forward to the concert being set up for next April. I was a brat and said I wanted one in a particular place.
They let me have one and where I wanted it.
The one where I sang to you for the first time.
I hope it won't kill Eiri too much to bring you all the way from Kyoto. ^^;;;
--
January 1st, 1997
Song of the day: Heart of the Sword by TM Revolution
I've been doing nothing but relaxing since Christmas. Well, that's what it looks like, but I've been making nothing but lyrics and melodies for Touma to look over on January 2nd. He's such a slave driver! I should be used to this, but more than that, I seem to be at a loss.
All the songs I've written seem kind of empty. Not totally empty, but they're just not working. I look at them and think that something could be better. The perfectionist inside of me is really killing my mood.
My house is filled with nothing but paper everywhere marked with pen. And I don't really care 'cause no one will step through that threshold anyway.
I gave you a Nittle Grasper calendar, the first one to be printed of a limited edition with only 2000 prints. I went all out to put your favorite lyrics to songs next to the pictures for yours. I'm pretty sure Touma thought of something to say to your exclusive edition.
I hope you like it, but Touma still hasn't given me the pictures of your reaction. He's holding it as bait for me to be at that meeting tomorrow. Such a bastard, but a sexy one. And he knows where to hit. L
I think I've gotten better after all these years of causing him trouble. Running away and all like a little kid. And even my anxiety attacks have gotten a little bit better. They only happen once a month now instead of three.
But, as I look at the pile of papers around me and struggle to make a song just for you, I'm frustrated. I want that concert here in Tokyo to be one of the best for you to see. What's the point of making you my muse if I can't treat you well, right?
Except, as New Year's happening right now, 'cause it just turned twelve, I'm alone. I should have gone to Touma's party, but I didn't want to leave my house at all. I didn't feel like doing anything but making music or singing loudly.
I wonder if I'll always be this way and if I'll always be hoping for something that may never be mine. And yet, being the optimist, I go for it with all my heart.
Not afraid of being hurt, but when I am, I feel it to its fullest.
I wonder how you're doing, though. Touma said you had a cold and so I've been in a slump and have been depressed over it. It's only natural for people to get sick, but I couldn't tell Touma that I was sick too. That's the real reason I couldn't go. That and something next to lethargy.
Why can't I come up with a good song for you?!
I tore up so many pieces of paper already, but it's still not enough. I feel like the torn up pieces of paper though.
Pieces of music all over the floor with nowhere to go, but down.
Bleeding with ink.
--
April 5th, 1997
Song of the day: Hanging by a moment by Lifehouse
"Desparate for changing,
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you.
I'm falling more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto…"
Going round and round in my head, I'm sitting here in a random hotel. There's so much running through my head and I feel so nerve-wracked that I want to smoke a cigarette and get drunk. Only, I won't because I wouldn't even think of harming my throat.
So, instead, tears are running down my face and are pouring all over my writings. I start to break down whenever I think of what happened yesterday and yet, it's already been done. I'm singing as loud as I can, but I end up coughing.
I've gotten sick to my stomach. I've not eaten since yesterday's lunch and I don't feel like doing anything at all…
Everything was supposed to go perfectly yesterday. I picked out the right songs, I performed one of the best concerts I've ever done…
…and you weren't even there to see the rest of it.
I don't care, but. I want to see you.
I want to know you're all right.
But, Touma's right.
I can't go to you…
--
The crowd was getting all pumped up and while I was smiling and finishing my remix of 'I can't go for that', I slid my fingers on the microphone stand seductively, while looking at you. But, as I was teasing the crowd, you got up.
I knew where you were because I asked specifically for you to be placed there. Touma and I arranged for you and Eiri to sit at the place where you were last year. Where I could have a perfect view of you.
I saw you leave and I became alarmed as I sang, and then when I went back stage for our intercession, my head was about to explode. I was so worried that Touma had to physically restrain me.
"The concert ends here," I said as I looked into his eyes.
"Ryuichi, what the fuck are you talking about?" Touma held onto my shoulders as Nuriko left the room to usher everyone out of the room. "I'm not going to put up with your selfish attitude! You'll have to deal with it! He has pneumonia!"
I looked at him as I felt like the wind being knocked out of me. "What?! What did you say?!"
"He's being rushed to a hospital as we speak," he said with a tone of finality.
"I have to go, Touma! Curse me all you want, but I have to see him!" I looked from side to side in confusion as I began to feel an anxiety attack coming.
"You can't go to him!" he shouted at me while holding onto my collar firmly.
"I have to go to him, Touma!" I retorted back stubbornly as he let go and sighed.
"You cannot leave in the middle of this concert, Sakuma Ryuichi! That isn't how professionals work!" Touma eyed me like a tiger, ready to pounce me if I moved anywhere. He was ready to tear my head off.
"What am I supposed to do, Touma?!" Desparately, I took his collar and shook him back and forth.
"'You can't do anything, Ryuichi!" He shouted at me. "Don't you understand, Ryuichi?! To him, you are just someone he looks up to! Nothing more!"
When he said that, I looked down to the ground and smiled. The default smile of defeat.
I let go of his collar and plopped into my chair as I breathed slowly. Then, as I looked up to him, I began to cry. I couldn't stop the tears or this strange smile while I resigned to his words.
"You're right. I'm nothing more to him."
With the back of my hand, I wiped away my tears. Looking at him calmly, I patted his back and nodded my head. "Sorry, Touma…"
I didn't look at him anymore as I heard him start to say, "Ryuichi…"
"It's time to go on stage."
And when we were performing for the rest of the night, I shouted as loud as I could. In vain, I wanted you to hear me. Wherever you were, I wanted you to hear the song I made for you. The one called 'Kiku'.
It was made from your letter and no one else worked on it, but me.
It was especially yours with all that I could give.
But by the end of the concert, I held my microphone up with my eyes closed. The lights went out, but I just left. I didn't wait for Nuriko and Touma as I rushed out with my bag. Running away, I was crying all over again.
I wanted to be with you.
No, I want to be with you…
Touma's words keep on haunting me though.
"Don't you understand, Ryuichi?! To him, you are just someone he looks up to! Nothing more!"
And that's how it should be, right? You shouldn't know that all the little things Touma or Eiri give you are actually my gifts.
You shouldn't know that behind my smiling, I'm crying and singing to only you.
I'm nothing more to you.
Just as anonymous as your letter to me months ago.
God…
This is one of those times I want to be an 'ordinary person'. Even if I feel that way, many don't see me that way.
The higher I go up the charts, the further away I am from you.
Damn it all, I should be there with you!
I'm so worried and I can't do anything for you. With all my money and influence, I can't even find you. I can't even visit you even if I could. The press would follow me and then you'll be dragged into some tabloid.
That would be even worse if I made your life difficult like that. I would never forgive myself if anything were to happen to you.
Right now, I don't want to be Sakuma Ryuichi.
I want to stay in that hospital with you and make sure you're all right.
I just want to be near you, Tatsuha…
Why am I still here?
And not there with you?
Tsuzuku.
--
Author's note: ;_; * sniff, sniff * Don't worry, Ryu, you'll get Tatsuha soon.
I wanted to write more in the end of this chapter, but I thought those two lines expressed it the best.
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)
by miyamoto yui
Chapter 10 – Koko. Asoko. (Here. There.)
September 9th, 1996
Song of the day: Feel Like Dance by Globe
These past few months have been killer for me. Travelling from city to city and country to country! This whole Asian tour has taken all of my time, but before I go to sleep, I want to remember that I had a dream of Tatsuha today.
In this dream, I had told Touma that I would help Tatsuha for some talent show in school. He didn't want to do it, but he was pressured to do so. I had to help him in a crash course in singing and dancing, even though I wasn't too good with the latter.
When he got the hang of it, he really got into it. But, in the end, he was so tired while we were lying on the floor while leaning on the wall. He fell asleep and leaned to one side. I was too tired and happy to move him. And that's how I woke up.
Maybe it was trying to tell me of Eiri's new package while we were touring here in Hong Kong. I looked down at the harbor with all the lights. Leaning on the railing, I looked at the new picture of Tatsuha. He was sleeping in a tank top and shorts, but he looked like a little kid since the covers were all over the place.
On the back, Eiri had written: "You owe me for this one. Oh, and one more thing, he talks when he sleeps. He ends up mumbling some of your lyrics. - Eiri"
I nodded my head and smiled. "Yeah?"
I wonder what you dream about and if I'll be able to talk to you about that.
As for me, I'm looking forward to the concert being set up for next April. I was a brat and said I wanted one in a particular place.
They let me have one and where I wanted it.
The one where I sang to you for the first time.
I hope it won't kill Eiri too much to bring you all the way from Kyoto. ^^;;;
--
January 1st, 1997
Song of the day: Heart of the Sword by TM Revolution
I've been doing nothing but relaxing since Christmas. Well, that's what it looks like, but I've been making nothing but lyrics and melodies for Touma to look over on January 2nd. He's such a slave driver! I should be used to this, but more than that, I seem to be at a loss.
All the songs I've written seem kind of empty. Not totally empty, but they're just not working. I look at them and think that something could be better. The perfectionist inside of me is really killing my mood.
My house is filled with nothing but paper everywhere marked with pen. And I don't really care 'cause no one will step through that threshold anyway.
I gave you a Nittle Grasper calendar, the first one to be printed of a limited edition with only 2000 prints. I went all out to put your favorite lyrics to songs next to the pictures for yours. I'm pretty sure Touma thought of something to say to your exclusive edition.
I hope you like it, but Touma still hasn't given me the pictures of your reaction. He's holding it as bait for me to be at that meeting tomorrow. Such a bastard, but a sexy one. And he knows where to hit. L
I think I've gotten better after all these years of causing him trouble. Running away and all like a little kid. And even my anxiety attacks have gotten a little bit better. They only happen once a month now instead of three.
But, as I look at the pile of papers around me and struggle to make a song just for you, I'm frustrated. I want that concert here in Tokyo to be one of the best for you to see. What's the point of making you my muse if I can't treat you well, right?
Except, as New Year's happening right now, 'cause it just turned twelve, I'm alone. I should have gone to Touma's party, but I didn't want to leave my house at all. I didn't feel like doing anything but making music or singing loudly.
I wonder if I'll always be this way and if I'll always be hoping for something that may never be mine. And yet, being the optimist, I go for it with all my heart.
Not afraid of being hurt, but when I am, I feel it to its fullest.
I wonder how you're doing, though. Touma said you had a cold and so I've been in a slump and have been depressed over it. It's only natural for people to get sick, but I couldn't tell Touma that I was sick too. That's the real reason I couldn't go. That and something next to lethargy.
Why can't I come up with a good song for you?!
I tore up so many pieces of paper already, but it's still not enough. I feel like the torn up pieces of paper though.
Pieces of music all over the floor with nowhere to go, but down.
Bleeding with ink.
--
April 5th, 1997
Song of the day: Hanging by a moment by Lifehouse
"Desparate for changing,
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you.
I'm falling more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto…"
Going round and round in my head, I'm sitting here in a random hotel. There's so much running through my head and I feel so nerve-wracked that I want to smoke a cigarette and get drunk. Only, I won't because I wouldn't even think of harming my throat.
So, instead, tears are running down my face and are pouring all over my writings. I start to break down whenever I think of what happened yesterday and yet, it's already been done. I'm singing as loud as I can, but I end up coughing.
I've gotten sick to my stomach. I've not eaten since yesterday's lunch and I don't feel like doing anything at all…
Everything was supposed to go perfectly yesterday. I picked out the right songs, I performed one of the best concerts I've ever done…
…and you weren't even there to see the rest of it.
I don't care, but. I want to see you.
I want to know you're all right.
But, Touma's right.
I can't go to you…
--
The crowd was getting all pumped up and while I was smiling and finishing my remix of 'I can't go for that', I slid my fingers on the microphone stand seductively, while looking at you. But, as I was teasing the crowd, you got up.
I knew where you were because I asked specifically for you to be placed there. Touma and I arranged for you and Eiri to sit at the place where you were last year. Where I could have a perfect view of you.
I saw you leave and I became alarmed as I sang, and then when I went back stage for our intercession, my head was about to explode. I was so worried that Touma had to physically restrain me.
"The concert ends here," I said as I looked into his eyes.
"Ryuichi, what the fuck are you talking about?" Touma held onto my shoulders as Nuriko left the room to usher everyone out of the room. "I'm not going to put up with your selfish attitude! You'll have to deal with it! He has pneumonia!"
I looked at him as I felt like the wind being knocked out of me. "What?! What did you say?!"
"He's being rushed to a hospital as we speak," he said with a tone of finality.
"I have to go, Touma! Curse me all you want, but I have to see him!" I looked from side to side in confusion as I began to feel an anxiety attack coming.
"You can't go to him!" he shouted at me while holding onto my collar firmly.
"I have to go to him, Touma!" I retorted back stubbornly as he let go and sighed.
"You cannot leave in the middle of this concert, Sakuma Ryuichi! That isn't how professionals work!" Touma eyed me like a tiger, ready to pounce me if I moved anywhere. He was ready to tear my head off.
"What am I supposed to do, Touma?!" Desparately, I took his collar and shook him back and forth.
"'You can't do anything, Ryuichi!" He shouted at me. "Don't you understand, Ryuichi?! To him, you are just someone he looks up to! Nothing more!"
When he said that, I looked down to the ground and smiled. The default smile of defeat.
I let go of his collar and plopped into my chair as I breathed slowly. Then, as I looked up to him, I began to cry. I couldn't stop the tears or this strange smile while I resigned to his words.
"You're right. I'm nothing more to him."
With the back of my hand, I wiped away my tears. Looking at him calmly, I patted his back and nodded my head. "Sorry, Touma…"
I didn't look at him anymore as I heard him start to say, "Ryuichi…"
"It's time to go on stage."
And when we were performing for the rest of the night, I shouted as loud as I could. In vain, I wanted you to hear me. Wherever you were, I wanted you to hear the song I made for you. The one called 'Kiku'.
It was made from your letter and no one else worked on it, but me.
It was especially yours with all that I could give.
But by the end of the concert, I held my microphone up with my eyes closed. The lights went out, but I just left. I didn't wait for Nuriko and Touma as I rushed out with my bag. Running away, I was crying all over again.
I wanted to be with you.
No, I want to be with you…
Touma's words keep on haunting me though.
"Don't you understand, Ryuichi?! To him, you are just someone he looks up to! Nothing more!"
And that's how it should be, right? You shouldn't know that all the little things Touma or Eiri give you are actually my gifts.
You shouldn't know that behind my smiling, I'm crying and singing to only you.
I'm nothing more to you.
Just as anonymous as your letter to me months ago.
God…
This is one of those times I want to be an 'ordinary person'. Even if I feel that way, many don't see me that way.
The higher I go up the charts, the further away I am from you.
Damn it all, I should be there with you!
I'm so worried and I can't do anything for you. With all my money and influence, I can't even find you. I can't even visit you even if I could. The press would follow me and then you'll be dragged into some tabloid.
That would be even worse if I made your life difficult like that. I would never forgive myself if anything were to happen to you.
Right now, I don't want to be Sakuma Ryuichi.
I want to stay in that hospital with you and make sure you're all right.
I just want to be near you, Tatsuha…
Why am I still here?
And not there with you?
Tsuzuku.
--
Author's note: ;_; * sniff, sniff * Don't worry, Ryu, you'll get Tatsuha soon.
I wanted to write more in the end of this chapter, but I thought those two lines expressed it the best.