Disclaimer: Gravitation is Murakami Maki-sama's.
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)
by miyamoto yui
Chapter 14 - I seek to cure what's deep inside.
September 25, 1999 -
Song of the day: Africa by Toto
/I hear the drums echoing tonight
But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation
She's coming in 12:30 flight
The moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation
I stopped an old man along the way,
Hoping to find some old forgotten words or ancient melodies.
He turned to me as if to say,
'Hurry boy, it's waiting there for you.'
It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
I bless the rains down in Africa
Gonna take some time to do the things we never had
The wild dogs cry out in the night
As they grow restless longing for some solitary company
I know that I must do what's right
As sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serangetti
I seek to cure what's deep inside, frightened of this thing that I've become
It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
I bless the rains down in Africa
Gonna take some time to do the things we never had./
I thought about you everyday since the day I left you back in Japan.
For months, I've been away because I chose to. Sure, I had to do a tour and record stuff here in America. And yes, I told Shuichi that I was coming here for 'acting'...since I was so good at hiding my feelings.
But the more I had to see Emily or my family, the more I would miss you, Tatsuha. There's a complete difference in what they term as love and affection than how you define it to me.
Nagareboshi...
So perfect in every way. It took so long to touch you, and when I finally did, you felt hot. I was so ready to devour you, almost to the point that I wouldn't have held myself back if it weren't for the fact that you had finally calmed me down.
And then, you told me it was all right to be the way I was.
You'd die for me...
Oh, Tatsuha. I lived because I knew you were in this world.
I had a pencil in my hand and I was chewing on the eraser, but I was looking at the cel phone again. I was not answering it except if it's Touma. And he had told me that I should do another concert.
Of course, I accepted!
"You've done pretty well," he told me while chuckling.
I blinked at the phone in confusion. My eyes swayed from side to side. "What do you mean?"
"You haven't called, written, or given him anything all these months," Touma said as I heard the smile on his voice. "You're becoming pretty disciplined. It's amusing."
"Hmph," I answered while pouting.
But deep inside, he was right.
Now, I was staring at the phone all over again. I had done this every day since I had come back to LA. I found myself wanting to call him, but then, I didn't want to crowd him.
We were only starting on our relationship and I knew more than anything else that if I did anything that made him uncomfortable, that would be the end of me.
Well, that's how it appeared in everyone's eyes: We were beginning.
Only Touma and Eiri knew that I was beyond help already.
In my head, I was much, much farther than Tatsuha could have ever imagined.
And I was so scared of letting him know that I had been watching him all this time. What would he say to all the things I did? I was worse than any stalker at this moment.
But...
...if I lost him...
I didn't want to think about it.
I smiled as took my wallet in front of me into my hands. Kissing it again on its plastic surface, I placed it back into my pocket to begin writing more lyrics. But all that ran in my head was that single line:
"I seek to cure what's deep inside, frightened of this thing that I've become."
Many years ago, I had thought I was this terrible awful person who couldn't do anything in life. I was some rich president's son who couldn't live up to anyone's standards. I just forgot about mine when I lived that life.
Now, I'd become this obsessed person over a boy.
A boy that meant more than me than singing.
I shook my head as I tried to concentrate on the lyrics before me, but it was of no use. I was arriving in Japan tomorrow, but my parents sent me a surprise to bring: Emily. It was to 'get her acquainted with Japan'.
I tried to tell Touma this on the phone, but he was too busy to hear me since he had to arrange all the stuff that would allow to come back to Japan.
Right now, I didn't know what to do.
Every time I tried to tell her, it was so anime-ish for something to interrupt me. I started out to say 'I love you as my friend' and that I loved her in a way that wasn't romantic at all. There was just no spark or attraction, but she interrupted me by saying she loved me.
The quiet moment was even messier and I didn't have a chance to say anything.
So, I ended up here on an airplane and Emily sleeping on my shoulder. I waited for the flight to end like a convict before the guillotine. I couldn't concentrate on anything except about my promise to Tatsuha. That if only he could wait for me with Kumagorou as my guarantee...
My stomach was wrenching more and more. I couldn't understand what I was so nervous about. I had a few days right? I was going to fix this once and for all, and without anyone else to tell me or Emily what to do.
Well, that was the plan. Unfortunately, when you planned, well, things didn't work out the way you wanted them to.
I thought Touma had arranged for a private company to pick me up if he couldn't do it...
I shook my head a bit as tears began to well up in my eyes.
"Tatsuha...?" I mumbled to myself.
Both in hurt and relief at seeing him...
It was an eternal wait, only to be washed with more pain...
With a big smile on my face, I ran to him. "Tatsuha-kun!"
I wanted to embrace him so much! I was so in love with him and so excited to see him that I wasn't even breathing while thinking of his words, "I love you, Ryuichi."
I blinked my eyes and wiped the tears away as if it were sweat. I pushed him away from me while cursing my fingers as they laid on his jacket a bit longer than they should have.
Dammit...so near and yet so very far...like always...
As Tatsuha was about to ask me what was wrong with me, Emily came up next to me. And the wound that had been botched up through Tatsuha's kiss, was now bleeding all over again before me.
This wasn't supposed to happen. My life in America was different from how I was here in Japan. I was 'myself' whenever I came here.
He glanced at me, but then avoided his gaze all together.
With shocked eyes, I watched Tatsuha try his best to smile.
I hated that smile.
He was being insincere.
But who was I to talk?
I had brought him this unhappiness...
* teardrop *
I was against society's ways and made the trends that people followed.
My family obligations were becoming obstacles to who I wanted to be.
I also had a mental block against myself...
Oh please...
Tatsuha, _please_ believe in me...
Nothing can keep me away from you, Tatsuha...
You're the only cure to this disease I have deep inside of me.
A hurt with no name.
But now, I was seeing the beginning of the end. The light was going to become darkness once more.
Trapped...
I was trapped all over again.
Tsuzuku...
--
Author's note: I am sorry for the long hiatus of this fic. There were so many life changes, but what touched me the most to do this fic right now was that there was one reader who took the time to do a Kumagorou for me. I am looking at it and I remember that I have done something good with my time and effort on all my Gravi fics. Thank you, Teresa.
And thank you to those and all your comments! Yes, Nagareboshi _is_ different with Tatsuha's and Ryuichi's mindsets, ne? They each have their own motivations and yet the other doesn't know how much the other cares. What only appears as random collectibles for Tatsuha is actually a gift from Ryuichi. And what Tatsuha thinks is that he means nothing much to Ryuichi when Ryuichi would have moved the world for him even at age thirteen.
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)
by miyamoto yui
Chapter 14 - I seek to cure what's deep inside.
September 25, 1999 -
Song of the day: Africa by Toto
/I hear the drums echoing tonight
But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation
She's coming in 12:30 flight
The moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation
I stopped an old man along the way,
Hoping to find some old forgotten words or ancient melodies.
He turned to me as if to say,
'Hurry boy, it's waiting there for you.'
It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
I bless the rains down in Africa
Gonna take some time to do the things we never had
The wild dogs cry out in the night
As they grow restless longing for some solitary company
I know that I must do what's right
As sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serangetti
I seek to cure what's deep inside, frightened of this thing that I've become
It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
I bless the rains down in Africa
Gonna take some time to do the things we never had./
I thought about you everyday since the day I left you back in Japan.
For months, I've been away because I chose to. Sure, I had to do a tour and record stuff here in America. And yes, I told Shuichi that I was coming here for 'acting'...since I was so good at hiding my feelings.
But the more I had to see Emily or my family, the more I would miss you, Tatsuha. There's a complete difference in what they term as love and affection than how you define it to me.
Nagareboshi...
So perfect in every way. It took so long to touch you, and when I finally did, you felt hot. I was so ready to devour you, almost to the point that I wouldn't have held myself back if it weren't for the fact that you had finally calmed me down.
And then, you told me it was all right to be the way I was.
You'd die for me...
Oh, Tatsuha. I lived because I knew you were in this world.
I had a pencil in my hand and I was chewing on the eraser, but I was looking at the cel phone again. I was not answering it except if it's Touma. And he had told me that I should do another concert.
Of course, I accepted!
"You've done pretty well," he told me while chuckling.
I blinked at the phone in confusion. My eyes swayed from side to side. "What do you mean?"
"You haven't called, written, or given him anything all these months," Touma said as I heard the smile on his voice. "You're becoming pretty disciplined. It's amusing."
"Hmph," I answered while pouting.
But deep inside, he was right.
Now, I was staring at the phone all over again. I had done this every day since I had come back to LA. I found myself wanting to call him, but then, I didn't want to crowd him.
We were only starting on our relationship and I knew more than anything else that if I did anything that made him uncomfortable, that would be the end of me.
Well, that's how it appeared in everyone's eyes: We were beginning.
Only Touma and Eiri knew that I was beyond help already.
In my head, I was much, much farther than Tatsuha could have ever imagined.
And I was so scared of letting him know that I had been watching him all this time. What would he say to all the things I did? I was worse than any stalker at this moment.
But...
...if I lost him...
I didn't want to think about it.
I smiled as took my wallet in front of me into my hands. Kissing it again on its plastic surface, I placed it back into my pocket to begin writing more lyrics. But all that ran in my head was that single line:
"I seek to cure what's deep inside, frightened of this thing that I've become."
Many years ago, I had thought I was this terrible awful person who couldn't do anything in life. I was some rich president's son who couldn't live up to anyone's standards. I just forgot about mine when I lived that life.
Now, I'd become this obsessed person over a boy.
A boy that meant more than me than singing.
I shook my head as I tried to concentrate on the lyrics before me, but it was of no use. I was arriving in Japan tomorrow, but my parents sent me a surprise to bring: Emily. It was to 'get her acquainted with Japan'.
I tried to tell Touma this on the phone, but he was too busy to hear me since he had to arrange all the stuff that would allow to come back to Japan.
Right now, I didn't know what to do.
Every time I tried to tell her, it was so anime-ish for something to interrupt me. I started out to say 'I love you as my friend' and that I loved her in a way that wasn't romantic at all. There was just no spark or attraction, but she interrupted me by saying she loved me.
The quiet moment was even messier and I didn't have a chance to say anything.
So, I ended up here on an airplane and Emily sleeping on my shoulder. I waited for the flight to end like a convict before the guillotine. I couldn't concentrate on anything except about my promise to Tatsuha. That if only he could wait for me with Kumagorou as my guarantee...
My stomach was wrenching more and more. I couldn't understand what I was so nervous about. I had a few days right? I was going to fix this once and for all, and without anyone else to tell me or Emily what to do.
Well, that was the plan. Unfortunately, when you planned, well, things didn't work out the way you wanted them to.
I thought Touma had arranged for a private company to pick me up if he couldn't do it...
I shook my head a bit as tears began to well up in my eyes.
"Tatsuha...?" I mumbled to myself.
Both in hurt and relief at seeing him...
It was an eternal wait, only to be washed with more pain...
With a big smile on my face, I ran to him. "Tatsuha-kun!"
I wanted to embrace him so much! I was so in love with him and so excited to see him that I wasn't even breathing while thinking of his words, "I love you, Ryuichi."
I blinked my eyes and wiped the tears away as if it were sweat. I pushed him away from me while cursing my fingers as they laid on his jacket a bit longer than they should have.
Dammit...so near and yet so very far...like always...
As Tatsuha was about to ask me what was wrong with me, Emily came up next to me. And the wound that had been botched up through Tatsuha's kiss, was now bleeding all over again before me.
This wasn't supposed to happen. My life in America was different from how I was here in Japan. I was 'myself' whenever I came here.
He glanced at me, but then avoided his gaze all together.
With shocked eyes, I watched Tatsuha try his best to smile.
I hated that smile.
He was being insincere.
But who was I to talk?
I had brought him this unhappiness...
* teardrop *
I was against society's ways and made the trends that people followed.
My family obligations were becoming obstacles to who I wanted to be.
I also had a mental block against myself...
Oh please...
Tatsuha, _please_ believe in me...
Nothing can keep me away from you, Tatsuha...
You're the only cure to this disease I have deep inside of me.
A hurt with no name.
But now, I was seeing the beginning of the end. The light was going to become darkness once more.
Trapped...
I was trapped all over again.
Tsuzuku...
--
Author's note: I am sorry for the long hiatus of this fic. There were so many life changes, but what touched me the most to do this fic right now was that there was one reader who took the time to do a Kumagorou for me. I am looking at it and I remember that I have done something good with my time and effort on all my Gravi fics. Thank you, Teresa.
And thank you to those and all your comments! Yes, Nagareboshi _is_ different with Tatsuha's and Ryuichi's mindsets, ne? They each have their own motivations and yet the other doesn't know how much the other cares. What only appears as random collectibles for Tatsuha is actually a gift from Ryuichi. And what Tatsuha thinks is that he means nothing much to Ryuichi when Ryuichi would have moved the world for him even at age thirteen.