Disclaimer: Gravitation doesn't belong to me.
Kikoeru ka? (Can you hear me?)
(prequel to the 'Nagareboshi series')
by miyamoto yui
Chapter 15 - this will never change.
September 26, 1999 (Continued from yesterday, September 25th)
Song of the day: White Flag by Dido
I wanted something or someone to hate. A misfortune that was bound to be misinterpreted.
But it was a usual thing, right Ryuichi? You always had to learn the hard way.
That would have been okay if it didn't cause me to just personally pull Tatsuha's heart from inside his chest right now. Some part of me shamefully wished Touma hadn't saved me years ago so that I didn't have to see this day.
Emily, of course, didn't know what was going on. I kind of described him to her, but only in vague terms. It wasn't that I was ashamed, but I needed the timing right.
Japan was perfect until _this_ happened.
It would have been simpler to just explain this to Tatsuha then and there, and I shouldn't have felt so overwhelmed at that particular moment, but I was. I didn't like mixing any of the divisions of my life except when it came to Tatsuha.
I'd let him do anything to me...
...even if it was against my will...
...for I'd always give into him like a slave.
"Hi there!" Emily politely greeted while holding out her hand to him.
And poor Tatsuha shook it, trying his best to show all the shouting he wanted to do inside. "Nice to meet you too."
If he saw through me naturally, I read him just as easily. I got everything from Touma and Eiri-san. Everything that I could possibly know.
Uncomfortably, I sighed while trying to fake being cordial while introducing him. This was what I did best after all. (I even amazed myself sometimes.) "This is my good friend, Tatsuha-kun."
God, I wish I could have cut my throat than say that...
No, dammit!
Emily this is the boy that distracts me, and that's when I just think of him...
"Well, good meeting you too. My name is Emily." Emily smiled unknowingly, but I could see the tinge of superiority in her voice. I knew her too well to not notice it.
She liked me way too much.
As we walked out of the airport entrance, I stood next to Emily, away from Tatsuha. I'd have to explain this to him later...but how?
"So, I heard you're a monk?" Emily said, trying to make conversation.
I wanted to calm myself as I thought of her statement for a split-second. I thought while smirking, "I wanted to corrupt this out of him. He can't give himself to anyone but me."
Tatsuha looked at her and nodded with hesitation. "Yes..."
She asked, "Do you find it particularly interesting?"
Answering with a nod, he said, "Actually, it is."
I glanced at him as they were talking and tried to absorb the moment that he was so close to me, despite everything and these terrible circumstance in and out of myself.
While driving in the car, I stared back at the liveliness that I loved about Tokyo.
I needed to find something to talk about and I needed to ease my tension. At this rate, he was upset with me and I had to capture him back. To make him believe that it was more than one-night in a hotel room.
You thought of it as one-night that may have been a fluke...
...but for me, I felt like I would want to pass through everything in my life if it meant that I could never have that night again. I'd do it all over again to have you for but one moment if I could never have you forever.
"So, what are you doing back, Sakuma-san?" he cutely asked as he watched me on the rear-view mirror.
Itai yo...
We're back to last name calling, aren't we?
"Just recording again," I replied with all the genkiness that I could muster at this horrible moment. "We're making new tracks in addition to 'Nagareboshi'."
"How about you, Emily-san?" he questioned.
"Ryuichi just invited me to go along with him...so I really don't know," she said.
I slumped in my chair like a little kid.
She turned over to me. "So, where are we going, Dear? If I'm going to marry you, I have to know where you go to, you know Ryuichi-AAAH!"
With a wave of his hand, Tatsuha apologized. "Sorry about that! That car cut me off!"
If I didn't know better...
Tatsuha didn't slip glances through the rear-view mirror anymore. He plainly refused to look at me now. Not that I blamed him.
"So, how long have you known each other?" He watched the road attentively and became impatient with the traffic due to an accident.
"We've been friends since we were kids!" Emily laughed while patting my hand. "I came to school in Japan when I was little."
"She was the girl who kept on singing whenever we went on school trips," I tried to explain.
Dammit, I was going to do what I wanted, even if it killed me inside.
Without thinking twice, I tapped Tatsuha on the shoulder and blinked at him. "Tatsuha-kun! Can we go to a karaoke bar after dropping off our stuff?"
He gave me a hesitant response. "I'll think about it. It might be late."
I am sorry to do this to you...
But I want to be with you more...
In a childish tone, I pleaded, "Please?"
Hugging him as we went into a karaoke room, I smiled. "Thanks, Tatsuha-kun~!"
"Oh, no p-problem," he nervously said.
Emily hugged him too. "Yeah! Thanks, Tatsuha-san! I've never gone to one of these!"
I sat down and tried to look for a song while I felt Tatsuha's curious eyes glancing at me. He asked Emily, "Doesn't Sakuma-san ever take you to karaoke places?"
She shook her head. "No."
"This looks good...yeah, this too..." I mumbled to myself as if I didn't hear anything.
We began to sing songs, but Tatsuha refused to sing anything. I knew he was shy, but I also knew that he was out of it, so I didn't want to push him.
Instead, I kept on picking the songs that I thought he would understand without me saying a word.
And I became more comfortable because I was in my home realm.
Emily andTatsuha clapped hands while shouting, "Sugoi~!"
I chuckled when Tatsuha commented, "Isn't he so cool, Emily?!"
Things were going well until Emily kissed me on the cheek. She was used to doing this, but Tatsuha watched and became withdrawn all over again. I sighed inwardly.
After Emily sang, I pushed Tatsuha to sing a song. I was smirking the whole time while folding my arms. He was adorable, I couldn't stand it!
When we were exiting, I put my arm around his neck and chuckled even more. "So Tatsuha-kun has been practicing without me?!"
"No, he hasn't actually..." he replied.
--
Tatsuha dropped both of us at our hotel and even brought us to each of our rooms because he wanted to help with the luggage. But as soon as I heard him saying goodbye to Emily, I opened my door to catch him as he was passing by.
"Ack!" he shouted while I embraced him from behind.
My heart was beating so loudly that I was shaking.
"Shhh!" I said as I pushed his shoulders to the closed door.
I wanted to just take off his clothes and throw him on the bed while telling him I was so sorry...
But all I could do was keep my hands on each his shoulders while looking into his eyes intensely. "Tatsuha-kun..."
On purpose, he tilted his head and gave me a scathing, formal tone. "Yes, Sakuma-san?"
My eyes wandered from his eyes to his lips and I didn't know what to do now that I had him there with me. I pushed his shoulders into the door as I leaned closer.
"I..." I started to say.
But then, I stopped short in the middle and our noses almost touched.
Slap me, do anything...
Just don't look at me that way.
Don't look at me as if you hate me.
It hurts too much...
Then, I put my hands on his face and put my lips on his cheek as I whispered into his ear, "Gomen."
Tatsuha scrambled for the doorknob as he angrily said with hurt, "You make a fool of me for the longest night of my life, and all you can say is 'sorry'?"
I opened my mouth, but even so, there was nothing coming out of it.
With an icy look, he gave me the deathblow I deserved at that moment. "I regarded you so highly, SAKUMA-SAN. But now, after all these years, I'm changing my mind."
My mouth closed as tears immediately came to my eyes.
And he just turned away from me without looking back.
"Goodbye."
Click.
My heart stung like hell and I ran like a mad woman to the window. Pressing my hands to the cold, cold window, my tears were synchronized with the heavy pouring rain.
I was too shocked, but the tears were silently falling without even a sob from my lips.
Finally, he ran across the street and he turned back to glance at me.
I wanted to scream out to this damned world, but my voice wouldn't let me: "You're wrong! It was you! It will always be you..."
I wasn't going to fall to my knees and I wasn't going to break the glass before me.
I couldn't stop him because I didn't have enough strength to.
"Tatsuha..." I barely said with a crack in my voice.
My tears were now rushing down even harder than the rain and I couldn't speak any more useless words.
He ran away from me in the rain and I couldn't watch him anymore while he drove off.
Long after, I continued to press my fingers on the icy windowpane even though I couldn't feel them or my heart anymore...
Do I have enough strength to ask you to belong to only me, Tatsuha?
I...
I don't know...
But you have to.
You just have to...
I wasn't going to say "Gomen." I was trying to say this:
I belong to you, Tatsuha,
even if you didn't understand it at the moment how true and deep that was.
Even if you might not ever be mine.
Even if you reject me...
Even if you leave me in the future...
I know this will never change.
Tsuzuku...
--
Author's thoughts: Shoot, I stopped breathing. And here I was wondering if I made it deep enough...
Itai yo - So painful.
Kikoeru ka? (Can you hear me?)
(prequel to the 'Nagareboshi series')
by miyamoto yui
Chapter 15 - this will never change.
September 26, 1999 (Continued from yesterday, September 25th)
Song of the day: White Flag by Dido
I wanted something or someone to hate. A misfortune that was bound to be misinterpreted.
But it was a usual thing, right Ryuichi? You always had to learn the hard way.
That would have been okay if it didn't cause me to just personally pull Tatsuha's heart from inside his chest right now. Some part of me shamefully wished Touma hadn't saved me years ago so that I didn't have to see this day.
Emily, of course, didn't know what was going on. I kind of described him to her, but only in vague terms. It wasn't that I was ashamed, but I needed the timing right.
Japan was perfect until _this_ happened.
It would have been simpler to just explain this to Tatsuha then and there, and I shouldn't have felt so overwhelmed at that particular moment, but I was. I didn't like mixing any of the divisions of my life except when it came to Tatsuha.
I'd let him do anything to me...
...even if it was against my will...
...for I'd always give into him like a slave.
"Hi there!" Emily politely greeted while holding out her hand to him.
And poor Tatsuha shook it, trying his best to show all the shouting he wanted to do inside. "Nice to meet you too."
If he saw through me naturally, I read him just as easily. I got everything from Touma and Eiri-san. Everything that I could possibly know.
Uncomfortably, I sighed while trying to fake being cordial while introducing him. This was what I did best after all. (I even amazed myself sometimes.) "This is my good friend, Tatsuha-kun."
God, I wish I could have cut my throat than say that...
No, dammit!
Emily this is the boy that distracts me, and that's when I just think of him...
"Well, good meeting you too. My name is Emily." Emily smiled unknowingly, but I could see the tinge of superiority in her voice. I knew her too well to not notice it.
She liked me way too much.
As we walked out of the airport entrance, I stood next to Emily, away from Tatsuha. I'd have to explain this to him later...but how?
"So, I heard you're a monk?" Emily said, trying to make conversation.
I wanted to calm myself as I thought of her statement for a split-second. I thought while smirking, "I wanted to corrupt this out of him. He can't give himself to anyone but me."
Tatsuha looked at her and nodded with hesitation. "Yes..."
She asked, "Do you find it particularly interesting?"
Answering with a nod, he said, "Actually, it is."
I glanced at him as they were talking and tried to absorb the moment that he was so close to me, despite everything and these terrible circumstance in and out of myself.
While driving in the car, I stared back at the liveliness that I loved about Tokyo.
I needed to find something to talk about and I needed to ease my tension. At this rate, he was upset with me and I had to capture him back. To make him believe that it was more than one-night in a hotel room.
You thought of it as one-night that may have been a fluke...
...but for me, I felt like I would want to pass through everything in my life if it meant that I could never have that night again. I'd do it all over again to have you for but one moment if I could never have you forever.
"So, what are you doing back, Sakuma-san?" he cutely asked as he watched me on the rear-view mirror.
Itai yo...
We're back to last name calling, aren't we?
"Just recording again," I replied with all the genkiness that I could muster at this horrible moment. "We're making new tracks in addition to 'Nagareboshi'."
"How about you, Emily-san?" he questioned.
"Ryuichi just invited me to go along with him...so I really don't know," she said.
I slumped in my chair like a little kid.
She turned over to me. "So, where are we going, Dear? If I'm going to marry you, I have to know where you go to, you know Ryuichi-AAAH!"
With a wave of his hand, Tatsuha apologized. "Sorry about that! That car cut me off!"
If I didn't know better...
Tatsuha didn't slip glances through the rear-view mirror anymore. He plainly refused to look at me now. Not that I blamed him.
"So, how long have you known each other?" He watched the road attentively and became impatient with the traffic due to an accident.
"We've been friends since we were kids!" Emily laughed while patting my hand. "I came to school in Japan when I was little."
"She was the girl who kept on singing whenever we went on school trips," I tried to explain.
Dammit, I was going to do what I wanted, even if it killed me inside.
Without thinking twice, I tapped Tatsuha on the shoulder and blinked at him. "Tatsuha-kun! Can we go to a karaoke bar after dropping off our stuff?"
He gave me a hesitant response. "I'll think about it. It might be late."
I am sorry to do this to you...
But I want to be with you more...
In a childish tone, I pleaded, "Please?"
Hugging him as we went into a karaoke room, I smiled. "Thanks, Tatsuha-kun~!"
"Oh, no p-problem," he nervously said.
Emily hugged him too. "Yeah! Thanks, Tatsuha-san! I've never gone to one of these!"
I sat down and tried to look for a song while I felt Tatsuha's curious eyes glancing at me. He asked Emily, "Doesn't Sakuma-san ever take you to karaoke places?"
She shook her head. "No."
"This looks good...yeah, this too..." I mumbled to myself as if I didn't hear anything.
We began to sing songs, but Tatsuha refused to sing anything. I knew he was shy, but I also knew that he was out of it, so I didn't want to push him.
Instead, I kept on picking the songs that I thought he would understand without me saying a word.
And I became more comfortable because I was in my home realm.
Emily andTatsuha clapped hands while shouting, "Sugoi~!"
I chuckled when Tatsuha commented, "Isn't he so cool, Emily?!"
Things were going well until Emily kissed me on the cheek. She was used to doing this, but Tatsuha watched and became withdrawn all over again. I sighed inwardly.
After Emily sang, I pushed Tatsuha to sing a song. I was smirking the whole time while folding my arms. He was adorable, I couldn't stand it!
When we were exiting, I put my arm around his neck and chuckled even more. "So Tatsuha-kun has been practicing without me?!"
"No, he hasn't actually..." he replied.
--
Tatsuha dropped both of us at our hotel and even brought us to each of our rooms because he wanted to help with the luggage. But as soon as I heard him saying goodbye to Emily, I opened my door to catch him as he was passing by.
"Ack!" he shouted while I embraced him from behind.
My heart was beating so loudly that I was shaking.
"Shhh!" I said as I pushed his shoulders to the closed door.
I wanted to just take off his clothes and throw him on the bed while telling him I was so sorry...
But all I could do was keep my hands on each his shoulders while looking into his eyes intensely. "Tatsuha-kun..."
On purpose, he tilted his head and gave me a scathing, formal tone. "Yes, Sakuma-san?"
My eyes wandered from his eyes to his lips and I didn't know what to do now that I had him there with me. I pushed his shoulders into the door as I leaned closer.
"I..." I started to say.
But then, I stopped short in the middle and our noses almost touched.
Slap me, do anything...
Just don't look at me that way.
Don't look at me as if you hate me.
It hurts too much...
Then, I put my hands on his face and put my lips on his cheek as I whispered into his ear, "Gomen."
Tatsuha scrambled for the doorknob as he angrily said with hurt, "You make a fool of me for the longest night of my life, and all you can say is 'sorry'?"
I opened my mouth, but even so, there was nothing coming out of it.
With an icy look, he gave me the deathblow I deserved at that moment. "I regarded you so highly, SAKUMA-SAN. But now, after all these years, I'm changing my mind."
My mouth closed as tears immediately came to my eyes.
And he just turned away from me without looking back.
"Goodbye."
Click.
My heart stung like hell and I ran like a mad woman to the window. Pressing my hands to the cold, cold window, my tears were synchronized with the heavy pouring rain.
I was too shocked, but the tears were silently falling without even a sob from my lips.
Finally, he ran across the street and he turned back to glance at me.
I wanted to scream out to this damned world, but my voice wouldn't let me: "You're wrong! It was you! It will always be you..."
I wasn't going to fall to my knees and I wasn't going to break the glass before me.
I couldn't stop him because I didn't have enough strength to.
"Tatsuha..." I barely said with a crack in my voice.
My tears were now rushing down even harder than the rain and I couldn't speak any more useless words.
He ran away from me in the rain and I couldn't watch him anymore while he drove off.
Long after, I continued to press my fingers on the icy windowpane even though I couldn't feel them or my heart anymore...
Do I have enough strength to ask you to belong to only me, Tatsuha?
I...
I don't know...
But you have to.
You just have to...
I wasn't going to say "Gomen." I was trying to say this:
I belong to you, Tatsuha,
even if you didn't understand it at the moment how true and deep that was.
Even if you might not ever be mine.
Even if you reject me...
Even if you leave me in the future...
I know this will never change.
Tsuzuku...
--
Author's thoughts: Shoot, I stopped breathing. And here I was wondering if I made it deep enough...
Itai yo - So painful.