Disclaimer: I wish Ryuichi belonged to me, but it's not working that way. *laughs* All Gravitation is held by Murakami Maki and Sony Productions. Adia isn't mine.
Kikoeru ka? (Can you hear me?)
(prequel to the 'Nagareboshi series')
by miyamoto yui
Chapter 16 - suteki na kimi. (wonderful you.)
September 26th, 1999 (continued)
Song for the moment (changed): Adia by Sarah McLachlan
I put on the radio, but Adia was playing.
What a perfect song.
I never could make up my mind whenever it came to picking a song.
The emotional impact was too much and it was finally starting to hit me.
I cringed to the floor and I felt dizzy. Walking over to the bathroom like a drunk, I began to vomit all over again.
Then, I turned on the faucet and washed my face as I drank some of the water. Grabbing the inhaler from the medicine cabinet, I shakily used it.
In my frustration, I laughed. I continued to laugh at my stupidity as I heard the telephone ringing while I picked up my keys from the counter. I looked at the phone and I knew it was Touma. I was mad at him for all he cared. It was already 1am, but I couldn't stay here.
I had continued to cry until the tears stopped falling down my face.
There was nothing left now, wasn't there?
It was all a sweet dream after all. And I loved every bit of it.
Whenever you think that you've finally come to the point that something was given to you so easily, you know it will be taken away from you in the end. Why was that?
I didn't know why. That's how it had always been for me, so wasn't that why I appreciated things more?
Maybe Tatsuha was right to walk out all along.
I was a weak person after all.
How could he ever begin to love someone so ugly inside? Someone who couldn't keep his mind straight? Someone whose moods depended on the weather and what you said to him and what his dream was last night.
What the fuck was so wonderful about me that you cared in the first place? What did I do to deserve your attention?
I don't know...
I honestly don't know.
--
I went into NG Records and was surprised to find Touma waiting for me at the recording booth. He folded his arms as he looked at me knowingly.
I gave him an angry look as I pushed my shoulder on his to get to the mic. "Go away, Touma."
"I knew you'd come here. You always do."
"This is your fault." I shook my head from side to side. "Now Tatsuha thinks...he..."
I couldn't finish any of my thoughts.
And I knew blaming him was the wrong thing to do, but I was so irritated and disoriented at the moment.
Touma pushed me on the table and hugged me. I tried to wring myself free as he hugged me tighter while I felt his cheek pressing on the top of my head. His hat fell to the ground and continued to hold me. He whispered into my ear, "I'm sorry...I thought you'd be happy with this arrangement."
That made me calm down a bit. He always thought of me, didn't he?
"I found out you left with Emily when you were on the plane here."
"My parents surprised me with her at the airport," I explained with a sheepish laugh. "But...now..."
My heart cringed.
"He hates me now," I told him. "You know how he told me?"
I began to laugh again with sarcastic lips. "I regarded you so highly, SAKUMA-SAN. But now, after all these years, I'm changing my mind."
"Oh...my..." he whispered into my ear.
"How can I compete against that, Touma?" I desparately asked him. "I have confidence to do everything else, but fall in love? I turn to mush when it comes to that. I don't want to deal with it anymore."
"I'm sure Tatsuha doesn't really mean it." He calmly said this while trying to comfort me. "If you'd just explain-"
"And tell him later, 'Oh, I want to be with you forever? Can you stop being a monk and your life for me?'" I shook my head. "You know more than anyone how many times these things have gone through my head. And I wouldn't be that selfish.
"Damn, I don't even know if he prefers men. I took him to my hotel last time and made love to him, telling him I needed song lyrics. How would he know that I've never done that with anyone before, except him? I know how to act so sweet and calm while tearing myself apart."
Touma listened quietly.
"He's only sixteen-years-old. He has a whole life ahead of him. I'm not too far from reaching the half-way mark of mine, hopefully. What the hell do I do?! What the fuck should I do?!" I held onto Touma's sleeves and pressed my fingernails into the cloth.
"And what will I do if he finds out that he doesn't want to be with me even if he does love me? I can't take that anymore. I won't survive that, Touma." My fingers clamped onto his sleeves even more. "I'm messing up his life, Touma. He's confused just as much as I am. He shouldn't have to feel this way."
"Ryuichi..." he sighed while running his hand through his blond hair.
"Somewhere in the rain, there's a sixteen-year-old out there that has my heart with him. And he's confused all because of _me_. And I love him too much to let go of him, even if it would be healthier for both of us that I do."
Silence.
"This is not the Ryuichi I know," Touma said with a scolding tone. At that moment, he pushed himself away from me and I stared at him in shock.
Pointing at me, he gave me a cold look. "The Ryuichi I know never gives up. Even if it will tear him into pieces. That's why he is so well-loved. He doesn't care about risks as long as he was able to do as he pleases and be the way he is!"
"Touma..." I looked into his hurt eyes.
Then, with a calm expression and a soft smile, he put his hands on my shoulders. "Believe in Tatsuha as you always have. When has he ever steered you wrong? He's always guided you where you've needed to go within yourself. Somewhere where no one else could touch, including myself."
Picking my chin with his finger, he stared at me clearly. "Why are you so scared?"
"That...that..." Like a child, I shook my head. My eyes became watery again. "That I will be disappointed all over again. That he's fallen in love with the wrong person."
"Why do you think that way, Ryuichi? You're wonderful."
"I've done many things I'm not proud of and I can't seem to know where I am going. Even though I look like I know what I'm doing, deep inside, I'm so lost. The more he'll get to know me, will he think that I am really crazy? If he turned away from me then, I won't be able to recover from that."
A tear fell and Touma rubbed it away with his thumb.
"He was the one that made me see that I could do anything. I could be anything." I tried to look at Touma as best as I could.
"Then why do you think he'll let you down now?"
"Because I hurt him."
"Tatsuha will understand whatever you have to say to him." It was then that he held my face in between his hands. "Isn't that why you love him so much?"
I closed my eyes as I leaned up to hug Touma. "Thank you, Touma."
Letting go, he picked up his hat and lifted it up to the air with a smile. "Anything for my Ryuichi."
"Well, seems my work here is done and I can go to sleep in peace," he said while walking towards the door.
He glanced back at me and I said with determined eyes, "I am myself again. Thank you for catching me before I fell again."
Touma nodded his head and turned around. But he started to say something that I didn't expect him to. "Years ago, I fell in love with a boy. He was very innocent and I would watch him every opportunity I could."
Eiri...
"And then he went away. I couldn't find him. Since I couldn't have him, I fell in love with someone who reminded me of that boy." His eyes were blocked by his blond bangs as a sad smile crept onto his profile when he slightly turned to face me. "But my feelings for that boy never changed. It kept on growing. And when I met him again, finding out where he went to school, I loved him more to the point that I was torn. How could I love a boy so much? And shamefully, I went into music because I knew that was the only way I could get close to him was through that."
I was so confused...
Smiling, he said, "You haven't changed since we met when we were little, Ryuichi. You don't remember, but I remember you very well. Still as innocent and energetic as ever."
"What are you talking about?" I looked at him with even more bewildered eyes.
"You asked me why I fell in love with you, Ryuichi, and now, I'll give you your answer." He turned around. "Guess that's why I so interested in Bad Luck because Shindou-san reminded me of you."
"I-I still don't understand, Touma. What does that have to do with anything?"
He began to laugh.
"..."
What was that supposed to mean?
Then, he kissed me on the cheek. "You always thought I knew what I wanted. I didn't. Not until I met you."
Walking away, he said, "That's why I know you'll never give Tatsuha up. That's why I also know Tatsuha won't let you down, Ryuichi. He believes in you as much as I do."
Taking a hold of the doorknob, he finished, "And just as silently, he's as determined about you as I have always been."
"Good night, Ryuichi." He lifted up his hand and opened the door to let himself out.
"Touma...?" I mumbled to myself in shock.
It wasn't Eiri after all...?
It...it was me all this time?
The door clicked shut.
I shook my head in disbelief.
"Why do you always do this to me? Whenever I need help, you're there. And when you give me that comfort, you'll always give me something to think about?"
After all the years I had been friends with Touma, that was the moment that I understood him completely...
...and it was also the moment that made me realize who I really was:
Challenging what has been set out for me because I'm not anyone you'll ever know.
Sincerity is how I live my life.
And I won't accept anything less than my personal best.
Tsuzuku...
--
Author's note: I think the hardest part for me was to make the last line. Who is Ryuichi? He's many things, but what would he say about himself?
Yea~! Next chapter is the last chapter!
Kikoeru ka? (Can you hear me?)
(prequel to the 'Nagareboshi series')
by miyamoto yui
Chapter 16 - suteki na kimi. (wonderful you.)
September 26th, 1999 (continued)
Song for the moment (changed): Adia by Sarah McLachlan
I put on the radio, but Adia was playing.
What a perfect song.
I never could make up my mind whenever it came to picking a song.
The emotional impact was too much and it was finally starting to hit me.
I cringed to the floor and I felt dizzy. Walking over to the bathroom like a drunk, I began to vomit all over again.
Then, I turned on the faucet and washed my face as I drank some of the water. Grabbing the inhaler from the medicine cabinet, I shakily used it.
In my frustration, I laughed. I continued to laugh at my stupidity as I heard the telephone ringing while I picked up my keys from the counter. I looked at the phone and I knew it was Touma. I was mad at him for all he cared. It was already 1am, but I couldn't stay here.
I had continued to cry until the tears stopped falling down my face.
There was nothing left now, wasn't there?
It was all a sweet dream after all. And I loved every bit of it.
Whenever you think that you've finally come to the point that something was given to you so easily, you know it will be taken away from you in the end. Why was that?
I didn't know why. That's how it had always been for me, so wasn't that why I appreciated things more?
Maybe Tatsuha was right to walk out all along.
I was a weak person after all.
How could he ever begin to love someone so ugly inside? Someone who couldn't keep his mind straight? Someone whose moods depended on the weather and what you said to him and what his dream was last night.
What the fuck was so wonderful about me that you cared in the first place? What did I do to deserve your attention?
I don't know...
I honestly don't know.
--
I went into NG Records and was surprised to find Touma waiting for me at the recording booth. He folded his arms as he looked at me knowingly.
I gave him an angry look as I pushed my shoulder on his to get to the mic. "Go away, Touma."
"I knew you'd come here. You always do."
"This is your fault." I shook my head from side to side. "Now Tatsuha thinks...he..."
I couldn't finish any of my thoughts.
And I knew blaming him was the wrong thing to do, but I was so irritated and disoriented at the moment.
Touma pushed me on the table and hugged me. I tried to wring myself free as he hugged me tighter while I felt his cheek pressing on the top of my head. His hat fell to the ground and continued to hold me. He whispered into my ear, "I'm sorry...I thought you'd be happy with this arrangement."
That made me calm down a bit. He always thought of me, didn't he?
"I found out you left with Emily when you were on the plane here."
"My parents surprised me with her at the airport," I explained with a sheepish laugh. "But...now..."
My heart cringed.
"He hates me now," I told him. "You know how he told me?"
I began to laugh again with sarcastic lips. "I regarded you so highly, SAKUMA-SAN. But now, after all these years, I'm changing my mind."
"Oh...my..." he whispered into my ear.
"How can I compete against that, Touma?" I desparately asked him. "I have confidence to do everything else, but fall in love? I turn to mush when it comes to that. I don't want to deal with it anymore."
"I'm sure Tatsuha doesn't really mean it." He calmly said this while trying to comfort me. "If you'd just explain-"
"And tell him later, 'Oh, I want to be with you forever? Can you stop being a monk and your life for me?'" I shook my head. "You know more than anyone how many times these things have gone through my head. And I wouldn't be that selfish.
"Damn, I don't even know if he prefers men. I took him to my hotel last time and made love to him, telling him I needed song lyrics. How would he know that I've never done that with anyone before, except him? I know how to act so sweet and calm while tearing myself apart."
Touma listened quietly.
"He's only sixteen-years-old. He has a whole life ahead of him. I'm not too far from reaching the half-way mark of mine, hopefully. What the hell do I do?! What the fuck should I do?!" I held onto Touma's sleeves and pressed my fingernails into the cloth.
"And what will I do if he finds out that he doesn't want to be with me even if he does love me? I can't take that anymore. I won't survive that, Touma." My fingers clamped onto his sleeves even more. "I'm messing up his life, Touma. He's confused just as much as I am. He shouldn't have to feel this way."
"Ryuichi..." he sighed while running his hand through his blond hair.
"Somewhere in the rain, there's a sixteen-year-old out there that has my heart with him. And he's confused all because of _me_. And I love him too much to let go of him, even if it would be healthier for both of us that I do."
Silence.
"This is not the Ryuichi I know," Touma said with a scolding tone. At that moment, he pushed himself away from me and I stared at him in shock.
Pointing at me, he gave me a cold look. "The Ryuichi I know never gives up. Even if it will tear him into pieces. That's why he is so well-loved. He doesn't care about risks as long as he was able to do as he pleases and be the way he is!"
"Touma..." I looked into his hurt eyes.
Then, with a calm expression and a soft smile, he put his hands on my shoulders. "Believe in Tatsuha as you always have. When has he ever steered you wrong? He's always guided you where you've needed to go within yourself. Somewhere where no one else could touch, including myself."
Picking my chin with his finger, he stared at me clearly. "Why are you so scared?"
"That...that..." Like a child, I shook my head. My eyes became watery again. "That I will be disappointed all over again. That he's fallen in love with the wrong person."
"Why do you think that way, Ryuichi? You're wonderful."
"I've done many things I'm not proud of and I can't seem to know where I am going. Even though I look like I know what I'm doing, deep inside, I'm so lost. The more he'll get to know me, will he think that I am really crazy? If he turned away from me then, I won't be able to recover from that."
A tear fell and Touma rubbed it away with his thumb.
"He was the one that made me see that I could do anything. I could be anything." I tried to look at Touma as best as I could.
"Then why do you think he'll let you down now?"
"Because I hurt him."
"Tatsuha will understand whatever you have to say to him." It was then that he held my face in between his hands. "Isn't that why you love him so much?"
I closed my eyes as I leaned up to hug Touma. "Thank you, Touma."
Letting go, he picked up his hat and lifted it up to the air with a smile. "Anything for my Ryuichi."
"Well, seems my work here is done and I can go to sleep in peace," he said while walking towards the door.
He glanced back at me and I said with determined eyes, "I am myself again. Thank you for catching me before I fell again."
Touma nodded his head and turned around. But he started to say something that I didn't expect him to. "Years ago, I fell in love with a boy. He was very innocent and I would watch him every opportunity I could."
Eiri...
"And then he went away. I couldn't find him. Since I couldn't have him, I fell in love with someone who reminded me of that boy." His eyes were blocked by his blond bangs as a sad smile crept onto his profile when he slightly turned to face me. "But my feelings for that boy never changed. It kept on growing. And when I met him again, finding out where he went to school, I loved him more to the point that I was torn. How could I love a boy so much? And shamefully, I went into music because I knew that was the only way I could get close to him was through that."
I was so confused...
Smiling, he said, "You haven't changed since we met when we were little, Ryuichi. You don't remember, but I remember you very well. Still as innocent and energetic as ever."
"What are you talking about?" I looked at him with even more bewildered eyes.
"You asked me why I fell in love with you, Ryuichi, and now, I'll give you your answer." He turned around. "Guess that's why I so interested in Bad Luck because Shindou-san reminded me of you."
"I-I still don't understand, Touma. What does that have to do with anything?"
He began to laugh.
"..."
What was that supposed to mean?
Then, he kissed me on the cheek. "You always thought I knew what I wanted. I didn't. Not until I met you."
Walking away, he said, "That's why I know you'll never give Tatsuha up. That's why I also know Tatsuha won't let you down, Ryuichi. He believes in you as much as I do."
Taking a hold of the doorknob, he finished, "And just as silently, he's as determined about you as I have always been."
"Good night, Ryuichi." He lifted up his hand and opened the door to let himself out.
"Touma...?" I mumbled to myself in shock.
It wasn't Eiri after all...?
It...it was me all this time?
The door clicked shut.
I shook my head in disbelief.
"Why do you always do this to me? Whenever I need help, you're there. And when you give me that comfort, you'll always give me something to think about?"
After all the years I had been friends with Touma, that was the moment that I understood him completely...
...and it was also the moment that made me realize who I really was:
Challenging what has been set out for me because I'm not anyone you'll ever know.
Sincerity is how I live my life.
And I won't accept anything less than my personal best.
Tsuzuku...
--
Author's note: I think the hardest part for me was to make the last line. Who is Ryuichi? He's many things, but what would he say about himself?
Yea~! Next chapter is the last chapter!