DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything except the plot and April and Professor
Greenleaf.
Chapter 4: A New Student and More Bloody Madness!
It was the next day and Hogwarts had gotten a new student her name was..
"Fielding, April" Professor McGonagall said. A girl with long black hair with blood red streaks sat on the stool as McGonagall placed the sorting hat on her head.
"Mmm. very hard to place," the sorting hat said.
"Wicked it talks," April said. Professor Snape deathstared April.
"As I was saying: resourceful. smartass. yes. SLYTHERIN!" April jumped off the stool and sat down at the Slytherin table.
"Hey, my name's Samara, but most people call me AHHH!" Samara said shaking April's hand.
"Hey, I'm Malfoy. Draco. Malfoy," Draco said, smirking.
"Hey. I'm from California it's in America, but I was born in Canada. Yeah. So what's your next class?" April asked.
"Transfiguration with Gryffindork," Draco said.
"Oh, wow, I have transfiguration next too," April said.
"Why don't you walk with us. We'll show you around," Samara said.
"Sure," April replied.
After eating in breakfast they went to Transfiguration. "Now we will be changing quills into birds. now the spell is Changoinious. Now who has any questions before we start?" Professor McGonagall asked. April raised her hand. "Yes, Miss Fielding?" McGonagall asked.
"Do we get to blow stuff up?" April asked.
McGonagall looked surprised: "Of course not! I will not tolerate any explosions in this class."
April's face fell, "Damn!"
After Transfiguration they had Professor Trewlany. "Now class, today we will be-"
April interrupted Trewlany: "Blowing up people to bits?" Prof. Trewlany glared at April.
"No. We will be looking into teacups again. Now everyone pick up your cup and swirl it around whilst saying: Starlight star bright show me the future," Professor Trewlany said.
"Professor! These tea cups are made out of paper!" Harry exclaimed.
"Budget cuts, Mr. Potter. All because of the Recall election with the Ministry of Magic," Professor Trewlany said shaking her head sadly.
"Oh," Harry said looking back at the soggy cup that was falling to bits.
Next they had Potions with everyone's favorite teacher: Professor Snape. "Ten points from Gryffindor. Now class we will be-"
April cut into Snape: "Blowing up people to bits?" Snape who usually was evil suddenly smiled happily.
"An excellent suggestion, Fielding! FIVE HUNDRED POINTS TO SYLTHERIN!" Snape said.
"But, Professor Snape, isn't it against the rules to blow up people to bits? I read that in Hogwarts History that-"
"Miss Granger."
"Yes, Professor?"
"FIVE HUNDRED POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!"
"That's not fair Professor Snape!" Harry yelled.
"TEN MORE POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR! Now class where was I? Oh yes, blowing up people to bits!" Snape hands the class guns, grenades, and other explosives. Then Snape took the class out into the hallway and they starting attacking helpless students! Oh the madness! Oh the bloody madness!
Next they had a class with Madam Pomfrey. And after that they had a class with Professor Greenleaf. "Now class we will be-"
"Blowing up people to bits?"
"NO!" screamed everyone.
"Watching a movie called the Lord of The Rings: The Two Towers. Now I hope you enjoy this movie," Professor Greenleaf went to his desk and fell asleep.
The movie began with an old guy named Gandalf and a demon falling into a crack in the ground. Then Gandalf and the demon land on top of a mountain. "How come we fell for miles and landed on TOP of a mountain?" Gandalf asked the demon.
"Who cares it's freaking cold up here. I'm leaving," the demon said walking away.
"Cool. I guess now I'll just buy myself some white robes. White is in this year," Gandalf says.
Then two hobbits by the name of Sam and Frodo are sitting on some rocks. "So, sir. Finally it's just you and me," Sam says.
"Finally? What do you mean?" Frodo asks.
"Oh. Uh nothing," Sam says.
"Well, you're wrong we got company," Frodo says. Suddenly Gollum flies through the air and pounces on Frodo.
"Hey! Wait your turn!" Sam yells at Gollum. Frodo and Sam tie Gollum up.
"No! Smeagol not into ropes! Nasssty hobbitses!" Gollum says.
"We just want you to take us to Mordor, you sicko!" Frodo says.
"Mordor? Hobbitses having a little Goth phase, maybe? Very Nasssty wanting to go to Mordor, yes yes. We can take you to Mordor. Can Smeagol offer eyeliner to Nasssty hobbitses?" Gollum says.
"You stop talking to Mr- hmm (To Frodo) You know you wouldn't look half bad in eyeliner." Sam says.
Then a human, an elf, and a dwarf are wondering the land in search of two other hobbits. They come across a group of humans riding on horses. "Hey, have you guys seen a couple of little guys you know hobbits?" Aragorn (the human) asks.
"Nope. Unless they were in that pile of corpses we burned," Eomer says.
"Thanks um that's. useful," Aragorn says.
"Yeah, my bad. Here have some horses," Eomer says.
In a forest two hobbits by the name of Merry and Pippin are lost. "Yay! We escaped the orcs!"
"Uh. Merry? That tree is checking you out," Pippin says.
"Furry lawn ornaments!" Treebeard picks them up and walks off.
The man, elf, and dwarf come across Gandalf. "Hey kids, did you miss me?" Gandalf asks.
"Gandalf! You're alive!" Aragorn exclaims.
"I almost had a facial expression from the joy of it!" Legolas (the elf) says.
Aragorn, Legolas, Gandalf, and the dwarf go to Rohan to visit the king. The king's mind is being controlled. "Be blinded my new robes! Regain your former self!" Gandalf yells.
"Yay! I'm me again, but damn my son's dead!" the king says.
The guy who was controlling the king's mind says: "I'll just go now, thank you."
"Good work, sire! Now collect your people and run to Helm's Deep!" Aragorn says.
They all go to Helm's Deep, but on the way some orcs attack them. "Orcs!" Legolas screams and everyone starts killing the orcs.
Once the orcs are dead Gimli (the dwarf) says: "What was that damn awful sound?"
"I'm guessing orcs dying," Legolas says.
"Actually it was Legolas's fan club shrieking in delight at his horse-back riding skills," Aragorn says.
"Ugh! That's sickening! Ooh! Aragorn! Cliff!" Gimli yells. Aragorn falls off the cliff.
"Oh no! This is unbearable! I almost had ANOTHER facial expression!" Legolas cries.
Sam and Frodo are walking to Mordor. "Gollum is such a freak!" Sam exclaims.
"Oh yeah! Well you're a jerk!" Fordo yells.
"But he IS a freak," Sam says.
"Whatever Sam. Want some cheese with your whine?" Frodo says.
"Why are you picking on me?" Sam asks.
"I'm so sick of listening to you. It's always nag, nag, nag. I didn't ASK you to come along, you know," Frodo says.
"What the hell?" Sam asks.
"Shut up! Screw you! Go away!" Frodo yells.
"What happened to the magic, Mr. Frodo? We used to stay up till dawn, laughing, talking, sharing..."
"Oh spare me!" Frodo stomps off.
Aragorn arrives in Helm's Deep. Surprisingly enough he survived from falling off a thousand foot cliff. "Oh, good HEAVENS. You look TERRIBLE. You are NOT wearing THAT to the battle tonight, are you? And your HAIR! What will we DO with you?" Legolas exclaims when seeing Aragorn.
"Nice to see you too," Aragorn says.
In the elfish city of Rivendell, Elrond and Galadriel are talking telepathically. "Hello? Is this Elrond?" Galadriel asks.
"Yes, speaking," Elrond replies.
"Hi, Elrond this is Galadriel," Galadriel says.
"Hey, girl, where are you?" Elrond asks.
"In Lothlorien; where else would I be? Listen, I really wanted to talk to you about Frodo," Galadriel says.
"Yeah, I've been wondering about him lately," Elrond says.
"He and Aragorn have SO much stuff to do!" Galadriel exclaims.
"I know!" Elrond replies.
"Did you see his hair the other week? Hello, greaseball," Galadriel says.
"And does he, like, only have that one shirt? Humans are so gross. Hang on; I'm getting another telepathy call," Elrond says.
"Hello? Hello? Elrond?" Gandalf asks.
"Gandalf? Is that you?" Galadriel asks.
"Gandalf! Hey buddy!" Elrond exclaims.
"Do you have me on three-way telepathy calling? I hate that," Gandalf says.
"Yeah, sorry. I was talking to Galadriel. Hey, didn't you die or something?" Elrond asks.
"No, you twit. Now quit gossiping and listen. There's a war about to start at Helm's Deep," Gandalf says.
"Yeah, and?" Galadriel asks.
"And they need your help, moron," Gandalf says.
"Fine, whatever. I'll send Haldir or something. He's expendable," Galadriel says.
In Helm's Deep:
"This is going to be most unpleasant. Hundreds of people will die," Legolas says.
"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Aragorn says.
"You're just jealous because I'm pretty," Legolas says.
"You're just jealous because I'm going to be king," Aragorn says.
"You can bite my ass," Legolas says.
"Fuck you," Aragorn says. (Ten minutes later)
"I didn't mean that," Legolas says.
"It's okay me neither," Aragorn says.
"Kiss and make up?" Legolas asks.
"How about I squeeze your shoulder in a very special way?" Aragorn asks.
Back to Frodo and Sam:
Sam is cooking lunch for them. "Ssstupid fat hobbit! Using sage in stew like thisss!" Gollum says.
"What's your problem? Sage brings out the flavor," Sam says.
"Smeagol would use nice mix of rosemary and lavender, yess, precious," Gollum says.
"Hey, you guys? Something's out there in the forest," Frodo says.
"Rosemary? Hm, maybe. But you know what WOULD be good with this, is a basic béchamel sauce with some dill," Sam says.
"Sssimple hobbit; anyone makesss béchamel. Vichyssoise much tastier and more difficult; yes...," Gollum says.
"Hello? Guys? Seriously, someone's coming," Frodo says.
"Now, if you only found us some eggs, I could make crepes, wrap up the meat, drizzle the juices over it with a little bit of blackcurrant chutney..." Sam says.
"Hey, you guys, look! It's Martha Stewart!" Frodo yells.
"Where?" Gollum asks.
"Where?" Sam asks.
"Now that I have your attention, may I point out the Oliphaunt that's about to step on us?" Frodo says.
"Look! Strange little men! Let's take them home!" says Faramir. Faramir blindfolds Sam and Frodo and take them to Gondor. "So, who are you, exactly?" Faramir asks.
"I'm Frodo. This is Sam," Frodo said.
"Your..image consultant?" Faramir asks.
"His gardener," Sam says. Faramir's eyebrow rises.
In Helm's Deep:
"This siege is lasting forever. These poor people..." Aragorn says.
"We will fight to the death. We will not fail you," Legolas says.
"Oh, not you guys--I meant the audience," Aragorn says.
"Aragorn! Toss me!" Gimli yells.
"Um, is this really the time?" Aragorn asks.
"Yes! Toss me!" Gimli yells.
"Look, I don't think about you that way..." Aragorn says.
"No, you freak, throw me onto the Orcs!" Gimli yells.
Back to Merry and Pippin and the Tree guy:
"We have opted not to do a damn thing," Treebeard says.
"I didn't expect that," Pippin says.
"Don't you even CARE? This is your planet too!" Merry yells.
"You're very handsome when you yell at trees, Merry," Pippin says.
"Am I? Thanks," Merry says.
"Don't care. Taking you home," Treebeard says.
"Wait I know! I'll bat my eyelashes at him," Pippin says to Merry.
"Good plan. I know *I* sure can't resist you when you do that," Merry says winking.
"Mr. Tree, sir, could you take us south, pleeeease?" Pippin says.
"Damn.. How can I say no to those eyes!" Treebeard says.
Back to Frodo and Sam:
Frodo puts on some black eyeliner, climbs on top of a ruined building, and holds up the Ring. Sam knocks Frodo over and they tumble down the steps. "Ow! Hey! That's it-this time I'm cutting your throat," Frodo says.
"But Mr. Frodo..I was saving the world..you were going to give the Ring to that Ringwraith.." Sam says.
"No, I wasn't. I was doing a lightning experiment," Frodo says.
"Well, that's pretty stupid too, now isn't it," Sam says.
"Hmm. I suppose so. Sorry, dude," Frodo says putting down his sword.
Sam gets up and starts a speech: "There are good things in the world. And that's what we're protecting. And up there, it's their time, but down here, it's OUR time.."
Back to Merry and Pippin and the Tree dude:
Treebeard finds a field of tree stumps near Sarumon's place (the bad dude) "What the bloody.ENTS! ATTACK!" Treebeard screams.
"Once again, Pippin's wily eyelashes save the world," Merry says.
"Aww, you're just saying that," Pippin says.
Sam's voice can be heard he is STILL saying his speech and somehow we can hear it all the way over here: "....And I have a dream that my eighteen children will one day live in a Shire where they will not be judged by the color of their teeth but by the content of their character.."
In Helm's Deep:
Gandalf and Eomer and some other guys come and wipe out the rest of the orcs while everyone cheers. "Gandalf, finally!" Aragorn yells.
"Yes, my boy, I have come back," Gandalf says.
"Took you freaking long enough," Aragorn says.
And Sam STILL is saying that speech: "The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced.."
"Um.. Sam.." Frodo says.
"You know what would have been really cool, though.." Aragorn says.
"What?" Eowyn (the king's niece) asked.
"An army of flesh-eating trees to destroy the Orcs who are running away," Aragorn says.
"Yeah, that would have been cool," the Audience says.
"Hey! We're busy flooding Isengard here! We can't be in two places at once!" Treebeard yells.
Back to Sam and Frodo:
Sam is STILL saying that stupid speech: "....let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to-"
"SAM!" Frodo screams.
"What?" Sam asks.
"They're letting us go now. Come on," Frodo says.
"Oh. Oh! Good!" Sam says. They all continue to Mordor.
"They're going to tell stories about you. Frodo the Incredibly Cute," Sam says.
"Ordinarily I would tell you to stop hitting on me, but you've saved my life so many times now, I guess I'll settle for being uncomfortably flattered," Frodo says.
"Cool. Oh, and by the way?" Sam says.
"Yes?" Frodo asks.
"The tortured look really does work for you. Very hot," Sam says.
"Aww, thanks. You deserve a special shoulder-squeeze for that," Frodo says.
"Did you learn that move from Aragorn?" Sam asks.
"Yeah, you like it?" Frodo asks.
Gollum is hiding behind a tree muttering to himself: "..kill.. death to hobbitses.. feed them to Her.. pain, suffering.. make them cry.. kill hobbitses.. SHE will destroy hobbitses.."
When the movie ended the credits began to roll. Professor Greenleaf turns off the T.V. "So did you like it?" Greenleaf asks.
"Yeah!" everyone says.
"Good you will be given a test on it, but first you must write a 500 page report on what you learned from this movie and what the moral of it is.." Oh no! It looks like everyone will have lots of homework. Tune in next time to Harry Pottery and the Strangest Year Ever!
Hell'sQueen: I hope you thought it was funny. I thought it was..
Gollum: death to hobbitses.. kill hobbitses-
Hell'sQueen: Hey shut up! The movie ended, ya know.
Gollum: death to author.. kill author..
Hell'sQueen: *sighs* It's madness. Bloody Madness..
Chapter 4: A New Student and More Bloody Madness!
It was the next day and Hogwarts had gotten a new student her name was..
"Fielding, April" Professor McGonagall said. A girl with long black hair with blood red streaks sat on the stool as McGonagall placed the sorting hat on her head.
"Mmm. very hard to place," the sorting hat said.
"Wicked it talks," April said. Professor Snape deathstared April.
"As I was saying: resourceful. smartass. yes. SLYTHERIN!" April jumped off the stool and sat down at the Slytherin table.
"Hey, my name's Samara, but most people call me AHHH!" Samara said shaking April's hand.
"Hey, I'm Malfoy. Draco. Malfoy," Draco said, smirking.
"Hey. I'm from California it's in America, but I was born in Canada. Yeah. So what's your next class?" April asked.
"Transfiguration with Gryffindork," Draco said.
"Oh, wow, I have transfiguration next too," April said.
"Why don't you walk with us. We'll show you around," Samara said.
"Sure," April replied.
After eating in breakfast they went to Transfiguration. "Now we will be changing quills into birds. now the spell is Changoinious. Now who has any questions before we start?" Professor McGonagall asked. April raised her hand. "Yes, Miss Fielding?" McGonagall asked.
"Do we get to blow stuff up?" April asked.
McGonagall looked surprised: "Of course not! I will not tolerate any explosions in this class."
April's face fell, "Damn!"
After Transfiguration they had Professor Trewlany. "Now class, today we will be-"
April interrupted Trewlany: "Blowing up people to bits?" Prof. Trewlany glared at April.
"No. We will be looking into teacups again. Now everyone pick up your cup and swirl it around whilst saying: Starlight star bright show me the future," Professor Trewlany said.
"Professor! These tea cups are made out of paper!" Harry exclaimed.
"Budget cuts, Mr. Potter. All because of the Recall election with the Ministry of Magic," Professor Trewlany said shaking her head sadly.
"Oh," Harry said looking back at the soggy cup that was falling to bits.
Next they had Potions with everyone's favorite teacher: Professor Snape. "Ten points from Gryffindor. Now class we will be-"
April cut into Snape: "Blowing up people to bits?" Snape who usually was evil suddenly smiled happily.
"An excellent suggestion, Fielding! FIVE HUNDRED POINTS TO SYLTHERIN!" Snape said.
"But, Professor Snape, isn't it against the rules to blow up people to bits? I read that in Hogwarts History that-"
"Miss Granger."
"Yes, Professor?"
"FIVE HUNDRED POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!"
"That's not fair Professor Snape!" Harry yelled.
"TEN MORE POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR! Now class where was I? Oh yes, blowing up people to bits!" Snape hands the class guns, grenades, and other explosives. Then Snape took the class out into the hallway and they starting attacking helpless students! Oh the madness! Oh the bloody madness!
Next they had a class with Madam Pomfrey. And after that they had a class with Professor Greenleaf. "Now class we will be-"
"Blowing up people to bits?"
"NO!" screamed everyone.
"Watching a movie called the Lord of The Rings: The Two Towers. Now I hope you enjoy this movie," Professor Greenleaf went to his desk and fell asleep.
The movie began with an old guy named Gandalf and a demon falling into a crack in the ground. Then Gandalf and the demon land on top of a mountain. "How come we fell for miles and landed on TOP of a mountain?" Gandalf asked the demon.
"Who cares it's freaking cold up here. I'm leaving," the demon said walking away.
"Cool. I guess now I'll just buy myself some white robes. White is in this year," Gandalf says.
Then two hobbits by the name of Sam and Frodo are sitting on some rocks. "So, sir. Finally it's just you and me," Sam says.
"Finally? What do you mean?" Frodo asks.
"Oh. Uh nothing," Sam says.
"Well, you're wrong we got company," Frodo says. Suddenly Gollum flies through the air and pounces on Frodo.
"Hey! Wait your turn!" Sam yells at Gollum. Frodo and Sam tie Gollum up.
"No! Smeagol not into ropes! Nasssty hobbitses!" Gollum says.
"We just want you to take us to Mordor, you sicko!" Frodo says.
"Mordor? Hobbitses having a little Goth phase, maybe? Very Nasssty wanting to go to Mordor, yes yes. We can take you to Mordor. Can Smeagol offer eyeliner to Nasssty hobbitses?" Gollum says.
"You stop talking to Mr- hmm (To Frodo) You know you wouldn't look half bad in eyeliner." Sam says.
Then a human, an elf, and a dwarf are wondering the land in search of two other hobbits. They come across a group of humans riding on horses. "Hey, have you guys seen a couple of little guys you know hobbits?" Aragorn (the human) asks.
"Nope. Unless they were in that pile of corpses we burned," Eomer says.
"Thanks um that's. useful," Aragorn says.
"Yeah, my bad. Here have some horses," Eomer says.
In a forest two hobbits by the name of Merry and Pippin are lost. "Yay! We escaped the orcs!"
"Uh. Merry? That tree is checking you out," Pippin says.
"Furry lawn ornaments!" Treebeard picks them up and walks off.
The man, elf, and dwarf come across Gandalf. "Hey kids, did you miss me?" Gandalf asks.
"Gandalf! You're alive!" Aragorn exclaims.
"I almost had a facial expression from the joy of it!" Legolas (the elf) says.
Aragorn, Legolas, Gandalf, and the dwarf go to Rohan to visit the king. The king's mind is being controlled. "Be blinded my new robes! Regain your former self!" Gandalf yells.
"Yay! I'm me again, but damn my son's dead!" the king says.
The guy who was controlling the king's mind says: "I'll just go now, thank you."
"Good work, sire! Now collect your people and run to Helm's Deep!" Aragorn says.
They all go to Helm's Deep, but on the way some orcs attack them. "Orcs!" Legolas screams and everyone starts killing the orcs.
Once the orcs are dead Gimli (the dwarf) says: "What was that damn awful sound?"
"I'm guessing orcs dying," Legolas says.
"Actually it was Legolas's fan club shrieking in delight at his horse-back riding skills," Aragorn says.
"Ugh! That's sickening! Ooh! Aragorn! Cliff!" Gimli yells. Aragorn falls off the cliff.
"Oh no! This is unbearable! I almost had ANOTHER facial expression!" Legolas cries.
Sam and Frodo are walking to Mordor. "Gollum is such a freak!" Sam exclaims.
"Oh yeah! Well you're a jerk!" Fordo yells.
"But he IS a freak," Sam says.
"Whatever Sam. Want some cheese with your whine?" Frodo says.
"Why are you picking on me?" Sam asks.
"I'm so sick of listening to you. It's always nag, nag, nag. I didn't ASK you to come along, you know," Frodo says.
"What the hell?" Sam asks.
"Shut up! Screw you! Go away!" Frodo yells.
"What happened to the magic, Mr. Frodo? We used to stay up till dawn, laughing, talking, sharing..."
"Oh spare me!" Frodo stomps off.
Aragorn arrives in Helm's Deep. Surprisingly enough he survived from falling off a thousand foot cliff. "Oh, good HEAVENS. You look TERRIBLE. You are NOT wearing THAT to the battle tonight, are you? And your HAIR! What will we DO with you?" Legolas exclaims when seeing Aragorn.
"Nice to see you too," Aragorn says.
In the elfish city of Rivendell, Elrond and Galadriel are talking telepathically. "Hello? Is this Elrond?" Galadriel asks.
"Yes, speaking," Elrond replies.
"Hi, Elrond this is Galadriel," Galadriel says.
"Hey, girl, where are you?" Elrond asks.
"In Lothlorien; where else would I be? Listen, I really wanted to talk to you about Frodo," Galadriel says.
"Yeah, I've been wondering about him lately," Elrond says.
"He and Aragorn have SO much stuff to do!" Galadriel exclaims.
"I know!" Elrond replies.
"Did you see his hair the other week? Hello, greaseball," Galadriel says.
"And does he, like, only have that one shirt? Humans are so gross. Hang on; I'm getting another telepathy call," Elrond says.
"Hello? Hello? Elrond?" Gandalf asks.
"Gandalf? Is that you?" Galadriel asks.
"Gandalf! Hey buddy!" Elrond exclaims.
"Do you have me on three-way telepathy calling? I hate that," Gandalf says.
"Yeah, sorry. I was talking to Galadriel. Hey, didn't you die or something?" Elrond asks.
"No, you twit. Now quit gossiping and listen. There's a war about to start at Helm's Deep," Gandalf says.
"Yeah, and?" Galadriel asks.
"And they need your help, moron," Gandalf says.
"Fine, whatever. I'll send Haldir or something. He's expendable," Galadriel says.
In Helm's Deep:
"This is going to be most unpleasant. Hundreds of people will die," Legolas says.
"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Aragorn says.
"You're just jealous because I'm pretty," Legolas says.
"You're just jealous because I'm going to be king," Aragorn says.
"You can bite my ass," Legolas says.
"Fuck you," Aragorn says. (Ten minutes later)
"I didn't mean that," Legolas says.
"It's okay me neither," Aragorn says.
"Kiss and make up?" Legolas asks.
"How about I squeeze your shoulder in a very special way?" Aragorn asks.
Back to Frodo and Sam:
Sam is cooking lunch for them. "Ssstupid fat hobbit! Using sage in stew like thisss!" Gollum says.
"What's your problem? Sage brings out the flavor," Sam says.
"Smeagol would use nice mix of rosemary and lavender, yess, precious," Gollum says.
"Hey, you guys? Something's out there in the forest," Frodo says.
"Rosemary? Hm, maybe. But you know what WOULD be good with this, is a basic béchamel sauce with some dill," Sam says.
"Sssimple hobbit; anyone makesss béchamel. Vichyssoise much tastier and more difficult; yes...," Gollum says.
"Hello? Guys? Seriously, someone's coming," Frodo says.
"Now, if you only found us some eggs, I could make crepes, wrap up the meat, drizzle the juices over it with a little bit of blackcurrant chutney..." Sam says.
"Hey, you guys, look! It's Martha Stewart!" Frodo yells.
"Where?" Gollum asks.
"Where?" Sam asks.
"Now that I have your attention, may I point out the Oliphaunt that's about to step on us?" Frodo says.
"Look! Strange little men! Let's take them home!" says Faramir. Faramir blindfolds Sam and Frodo and take them to Gondor. "So, who are you, exactly?" Faramir asks.
"I'm Frodo. This is Sam," Frodo said.
"Your..image consultant?" Faramir asks.
"His gardener," Sam says. Faramir's eyebrow rises.
In Helm's Deep:
"This siege is lasting forever. These poor people..." Aragorn says.
"We will fight to the death. We will not fail you," Legolas says.
"Oh, not you guys--I meant the audience," Aragorn says.
"Aragorn! Toss me!" Gimli yells.
"Um, is this really the time?" Aragorn asks.
"Yes! Toss me!" Gimli yells.
"Look, I don't think about you that way..." Aragorn says.
"No, you freak, throw me onto the Orcs!" Gimli yells.
Back to Merry and Pippin and the Tree guy:
"We have opted not to do a damn thing," Treebeard says.
"I didn't expect that," Pippin says.
"Don't you even CARE? This is your planet too!" Merry yells.
"You're very handsome when you yell at trees, Merry," Pippin says.
"Am I? Thanks," Merry says.
"Don't care. Taking you home," Treebeard says.
"Wait I know! I'll bat my eyelashes at him," Pippin says to Merry.
"Good plan. I know *I* sure can't resist you when you do that," Merry says winking.
"Mr. Tree, sir, could you take us south, pleeeease?" Pippin says.
"Damn.. How can I say no to those eyes!" Treebeard says.
Back to Frodo and Sam:
Frodo puts on some black eyeliner, climbs on top of a ruined building, and holds up the Ring. Sam knocks Frodo over and they tumble down the steps. "Ow! Hey! That's it-this time I'm cutting your throat," Frodo says.
"But Mr. Frodo..I was saving the world..you were going to give the Ring to that Ringwraith.." Sam says.
"No, I wasn't. I was doing a lightning experiment," Frodo says.
"Well, that's pretty stupid too, now isn't it," Sam says.
"Hmm. I suppose so. Sorry, dude," Frodo says putting down his sword.
Sam gets up and starts a speech: "There are good things in the world. And that's what we're protecting. And up there, it's their time, but down here, it's OUR time.."
Back to Merry and Pippin and the Tree dude:
Treebeard finds a field of tree stumps near Sarumon's place (the bad dude) "What the bloody.ENTS! ATTACK!" Treebeard screams.
"Once again, Pippin's wily eyelashes save the world," Merry says.
"Aww, you're just saying that," Pippin says.
Sam's voice can be heard he is STILL saying his speech and somehow we can hear it all the way over here: "....And I have a dream that my eighteen children will one day live in a Shire where they will not be judged by the color of their teeth but by the content of their character.."
In Helm's Deep:
Gandalf and Eomer and some other guys come and wipe out the rest of the orcs while everyone cheers. "Gandalf, finally!" Aragorn yells.
"Yes, my boy, I have come back," Gandalf says.
"Took you freaking long enough," Aragorn says.
And Sam STILL is saying that speech: "The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced.."
"Um.. Sam.." Frodo says.
"You know what would have been really cool, though.." Aragorn says.
"What?" Eowyn (the king's niece) asked.
"An army of flesh-eating trees to destroy the Orcs who are running away," Aragorn says.
"Yeah, that would have been cool," the Audience says.
"Hey! We're busy flooding Isengard here! We can't be in two places at once!" Treebeard yells.
Back to Sam and Frodo:
Sam is STILL saying that stupid speech: "....let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to-"
"SAM!" Frodo screams.
"What?" Sam asks.
"They're letting us go now. Come on," Frodo says.
"Oh. Oh! Good!" Sam says. They all continue to Mordor.
"They're going to tell stories about you. Frodo the Incredibly Cute," Sam says.
"Ordinarily I would tell you to stop hitting on me, but you've saved my life so many times now, I guess I'll settle for being uncomfortably flattered," Frodo says.
"Cool. Oh, and by the way?" Sam says.
"Yes?" Frodo asks.
"The tortured look really does work for you. Very hot," Sam says.
"Aww, thanks. You deserve a special shoulder-squeeze for that," Frodo says.
"Did you learn that move from Aragorn?" Sam asks.
"Yeah, you like it?" Frodo asks.
Gollum is hiding behind a tree muttering to himself: "..kill.. death to hobbitses.. feed them to Her.. pain, suffering.. make them cry.. kill hobbitses.. SHE will destroy hobbitses.."
When the movie ended the credits began to roll. Professor Greenleaf turns off the T.V. "So did you like it?" Greenleaf asks.
"Yeah!" everyone says.
"Good you will be given a test on it, but first you must write a 500 page report on what you learned from this movie and what the moral of it is.." Oh no! It looks like everyone will have lots of homework. Tune in next time to Harry Pottery and the Strangest Year Ever!
Hell'sQueen: I hope you thought it was funny. I thought it was..
Gollum: death to hobbitses.. kill hobbitses-
Hell'sQueen: Hey shut up! The movie ended, ya know.
Gollum: death to author.. kill author..
Hell'sQueen: *sighs* It's madness. Bloody Madness..