Disclaimer: Gravitation isn't mine.
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)
by miyamoto yui
Epilogue - the end of the beginning.
September 28th, 1999 (continued for September 26th)
Song of the day: Breathe your name by six pence none the richer.
I was so ready for anything that I didn't go to sleep. I ended up sitting in the booth thinking about what I wanted from life and how was I supposed to go there.
There was thing that I knew for sure, if anything else: Tatsuha.
He had to belong to me. I couldn't bear the thought of it any other way.
And if he'd reject me, at least there would some kind of closure than killing myself everyday thinking about what could be.
I started to make a song again. That's what I did when I didn't know how to feel. Thank goodness the lyrics were the only things that I needed to finish. So, I stood there with my notepad.
"Reach...
how could I reach you...?"
I called Emily early that morning and had her come to the studio when I was finally done with the lyrics. I needed her to hear me. I needed her to understand.
What did she see in my music?
Did she think that this was a fancy and that I'd take over my father's company? I didn't know exactly. She was never clear about what she liked about me. All she kept on telling me was that she loved me. And for a time, I believed those words.
Until Touma came into my life.
Love wasn't about saying it or little gifts.
It was harder not to say anything at all and make it seem like it was only natural to help someone out.
But even more than that, someone touched me without a breath.
Tatsuha had made me realize that love was more than not saying anything. It was reaching into a person and accepting them, no matter how awful they may be.
I was scared about what he would see. What Touma would see too after all these years...
For I couldn't understand what they saw in me. My mental block against what 'good' I could do rather than be harsh and dwell on what I couldn't.
It was unconditional. It was even harder to love someone seeing them self-destruct.
And even I didn't want Touma seeing me this way.
But Tatsuha.
I wanted this person to know the part of me that I was afraid of. The one that was shunned from the eyes of the world.
I closed my eyes. Could he listen to me the whole way through?
Would he be scared of me if he knew all that I carried inside of me? The insults...abuse...self-destruction...
Could he see me dirtied when I tried so hard to cover all that I hated about myself?
Emily came into the studio and smiled as she hugged me. Kissing me on the cheek, she gave me a concerned look. "What happened? Is something wrong?"
Her eyes scanned mine as she gently pressed her thumbs on my eyes. "Ryuichi, why were you crying?"
I nodded my head silently.
"Why?" She shook her head as she still held my face. "Are you okay? Please tell me."
This person would do anything for me...
But I didn't love her as she wanted...
How could I be so cruel to let this drag on?
"Ryuichi?" she asked again as she looked into my eyes.
"I want you to hear a song. It's something new that I made."
"But-"
"This is part of the reason that I cried." I pulled her hand into the recording booth as she nodded slowly. Standing to one side she said, "Thank you...you've never asked me to come with you here...so I feel very honored."
Why did you waste your time on me...
"I usually like to be by myself whenever I make lyrics and such," I answered while putting the earphones on my neck.
She nodded understandingly. "I know. That's why I never wanted to bother you."
Looking directly at her, I asked, "Why do you listen to my music?"
"Because it's beautiful, Ryuichi. You love it very much and it's a part of you." Looking away for a moment, she sighed. "It shows me a part of you that you never tell me, that's why."
I insisted, "But what do you think about it?"
"It's your heart."
I blinked at her for a moment. Had she always thought this way? Why didn't I see this?
Then, she continued, "You're so many different things and so many different people. You're a mermaid and then you're sleeping beauty. But all of them are you. And I feel blind. Because no matter how much you're reaching out, you still keep your heart intact. You're selfish like that."
"Emily..."
I began to play the song and I sang:
"(whisper) Never say a word.
Whisper to me in the rain
Without moving your mouth.
Lip-sync if you can,
I want to hear your voice once more.
In anger you turned away from me,
and disappear with that asphalt smell
that rain leaves behind.
Through the shadows of myself
I reach deep into this feeling
that makes all humans fall apart.
Falling deeper into you,
I've forsaken Heaven.
Fallen Angel. (come to me)
Killing us deeper and deeper
Without mercy or compassion
Reach out if you can,
I want to feel the warmth of your touch.
In gentleness you looked at me,
and vanish into a mirage of rain
that falls continuously.
Through the darkness in myself,
I rip without pity into this feeling,
that makes all humans more imperfect
Falling deeper inside of me,
I've gone to the depths of hell itself.
Fallen Angel. (kill me.)
(whisper)
The words I cannot say,
they work against me.
I cannot keep what's important,
it's slipping away.
Damn Fate won't let me keep...
Keep You.
Through the shadows of myself (Grasping blindly for anything)
I reach deep into this feeling (This burning desire)
that makes all humans fall apart. (And puts gods to their knees)
Falling deeper into you, (More than you'll ever know)
I've forsaken Heaven. (To find you)
Fallen Angel. (Come back to me.)"
My last song to sing to you Emily...
And all I think is Tatsuha.
I began to cry all over again as I carefully wiped my eyes. "Tomorrow I will leave Japan again, and I didn't even..."
Emily pushed herself off the wall and walked a few feet towards me.
"Hmm?" her looked said to me, but then it changed to a grin.
With a smile, she told me, "You did great, Ryuichi."
"Thanks," I said while taking off my earphones from my body. "There's something I have to tell you,
Emily."
"Yes, dear?" He put her hands down and looked at me attentively.
With a gulp, I gave her a serious look and told her, "I'm going to stop the line right here."
She started to say, "You mean you're not serious about-"
I interrupted, "If I marry you, I'll be doing it because my family has always married into yours."
"Y-you mean..." She began to sob. "You like that boy, don't you? The sixteen-year-old that picked us up."
"Yup." I began to adjust the microphone. "I told him about you. I told him I loved you once and you loved me. But he said something you would never say to me."
"And what was that, Ryuichi?!" She shouted in a hurt tone.
"All my life, I have gotten everything I've wanted. I've associated with the upper class." I laughed. "Why do you think I know Touma Seguchi?"
Well, because I went out of my way to be next to him after he talked to me in high school. Falling so hard I couldn't do anything but be by his side.
"And, I've gotten the best of everything. But..." I shook my head as I began to smile. Looking at her clearly, I said, "But, for myself, of my own free will, I've chosen to become a singer."
"And what has this got to do with Tatsuha-san?" She was confused as her tone betrayed her thoughts.
"He chose me."
My heart became suddenly light.
Pure silence ensued.
I then told her, "No one told him to go with me...but himself."
Slap!
The sting on my cheek was throbbing as she said, "I myself chose to be with you, Ryuichi."
Her voice quivered as she began to cry even more. "I personally asked my father for myself to given to you. But when you looked at me, I knew this day would come."
"..."
I know this too well.
She took a hold of my face as she gave me a sad smile. "I knew one day, you'd leave me."
Kissing me, she then rose her voice in frustration: "I know I'll love you more than he ever can Ryuichi!"
"No you can't!"
Suddenly, she let go as we both stared up at Tatsuha, startled.
I looked at Emily and then I looked at Tatsuha again.
"You..." I could barely move my lips so I couldn't even hear my own voice.
What are you doing here, Tatsuha?
You're making me hope all over again...
He was confused as he said, "My feeling's too strong, Emily. I can't express it with an 'I love you anymore'. It's more than love that I feel."
I was frozen, wondering if this was all a dream. I was probably hallucinating because I hadn't slept all night.
Did I hear correctly? Was this all real?
Was he saying those words that were always on my lips?
Emily's voice proudly answered, "How can you do that, Tatsuha?"
He came down and opened the door. Walking over to Emily, he held his hands out as if he were trying to touch something. His eyes were different though. They were different from last night.
So focused...
Then, he said something I would never forget:
"You're supposed to know him so well, but do you know that Ryuichi always sleeps with that bunny in his arms even if he has to bite its ear from losing it? Do you know that Ryuichi goes to karaoke bars because that's the only way he can vent out? Do you know that Ryuichi is ticklish on his left side? Do you know Ryuichi's true smile? Do you know what that looks like? Do you know why he changes whenever he sings?"
I stared at him dumbfounded.
Had he watched me so carefully all these years to be able to say all this so easily? So confidently?
What happened to you last night?
"No! You don't!" He shouted at her. Patting himself on the chest slowly, he nodded his head. "But, I do."
He began to smile as he looked at her with soft eyes. "I know that Ryuichi loves that bunny because it holds significant value. I know that Ryuichi gets so wound up that he sings what he can't say. I know that he is ticklish only when you give him chocolate. I know Ryuichi's real smile when he seems to sparkle. I know he changes whenever he sings because he expresses all the things he wants to do, but can't."
Tatsuha...
Why...how...where do I even begin?
"Believe in him," Touma's voice came into my head.
I was so moved that I couldn't say anything at all.
Unable to control her hurt and frustration, Emily took a step forward. Then, she shouted, "You want to fight about Ryuichi? You'll never win out on how much I know Ryuichi, little Tatsuha. I've known him much longer than you yourself have been alive."
Pushing his shoulder, she angrily said, "So don't you DARE tell me what I know and what I don't."
But Tatsuha didn't give up. With shrugged shoulders and a confident smile, he blurted out, "Then there's just only one difference between you and me, Emily. His feeling for me is real, but for you, it's just an obligation."
Slap!
Tatsuha turned his cheek, but still stared at her, unmoved.
I wanted to shout, but I caught myself unable to do so. Both of them were running out and I didn't know what to do. I watched them both leave as if they were in slow motion. Emily went out one door and Tatsuha went out the other.
Looking from side to side, I grew even more confused. Shuichi, from above, shouted at me, "Go, Sakuma-san! Make up your mind before they both leave!"
Shuichi-kun...
I closed my eyes for a split second and walked towards where I wanted to go.
"Yes, that's right..." I whispered to myself.
I ran up the stairs to catch up to Tatsuha.
He chose me.
By himself, he alone chose me...
I ran down the short hallway as my heart beat faster and faster.
All this time, I wanted to choose him too.
Opening the door, I was ready to run with all my might. Except, I swept back to find a wistful-eyed Tatsuha standing in front of me.
With his wonderful, charming smile, he joked, "What took you so long, Ryuichi?"
It was early afternoon, and I should have been sleepy, but as soon as I opened the door to my hotel room, I closed it shut while kissing Tatsuha and pressing him against the back of the door.
The phone rang and I lifted one finger. "One moment."
When my father shouted on the phone, I smiled. "I already disowned myself. You just didn't hear me the first time."
I slammed the phone.
Grabbing Tatsuha, I took off his clothing and I threw him onto the bed.
He laughed at me as I pulled my belt off while my knees touched his hips. I licked the nape of his neck and whispered into his ear, "All this time, I thought you couldn't hear me."
"What do you mean, Ryuichi?" he said as he caught my head between his hands for a moment.
I tilted my head to one side and shook my head. "You'll understand when I tell you."
He nodded his head as I began to kiss him on the mouth...
That night, as I laid below him and he kissed me. Then, he softly sang into my ear,
Through the shadows of myself (Grasping blindly for anything)
I reach deep into this feeling (This burning desire)
that makes all humans fall apart. (And puts gods to their knees)
Falling deeper into you, (More than you'll ever know)
I've forsaken Heaven. (To find you)
Fallen Angel. (Come back to me.)
"That's what loves means to me, Tatsuha-kun..." I told him.
This was my response to you...
When Tatsuha fell asleep that night, I smiled as I ran my fingers through his hair. I hugged him and couldn't express anything that I was feeling.
Finally...
Finally, I can have peace.
--
The next morning, I called Touma.
"I heard from Eiri. I guess I'll talk to you later." He chuckled on the phone.
Then, I said again in gratefulness, "Thank you, Touma. For everything."
"Ryuichi, stop that. You don't have to thank me for anything."
"But-"
"How can you thank someone who does everything so willingly for you?"
"Because you're stupid like that," I told him while shaking my head. "I've always wanted to say that."
Petty, yes, but for just once, I wanted to win against Touma.
"Only for you, Ryuichi. Catch you later."
Click.
I looked at the phone again.
Stupid Touma...
Always making me think more than I should...
--
At the airport, I hugged Tatsuha and he was so cute. He wouldn't let go of me. Even if it was a second longer, he held me tightly.
Oh, I was so happy this isn't a dream...
"I'll be back," I told him confidently.
With a smile on my face and courage inside of me, I finally said it aloud to him: "I love you, Tatsuha."
He blushed even though I think he didn't realize it.
Turning around, I left to go and check in. I didn't want to turn around because I knew myself too well.
If I turned, then I would never go.
Wait a minute...
Who the hell wanted to?!
I turned around and shouted his name at the top of my lungs. "Tatsuha! Tatsuha!"
Many people stared at me and began to whisper, but I didn't care what the hell they were thinking.
He turned around to find me running to him.
I ran and dropped my luggage. Jumping into his open arms, I hugged him around the neck with my legs twined over his waist. I kissed him on the cheek and said, "Tadaima, Tatsuha."
Yes, I am finally home.
Home wherever you are, Tatsuha.
"Okaeri," he said with a smile.
Snuggling into his arms, he began to cry. I didn't want him to see, but nor did I want anyone else to see.
He wrapped one arm around me and kissed the top of my head.
In my head, 'kikoeru ka' was forming its lyrics...
As we exited Narita Airport, I mumbled like an idiot, "Tatsuha?"
"Yes?"
"Will love you me even if I'm dirty?"
"Then, I'll have to clean you."
"Will you love me even if I'm not the way you thought I was?"
"If it's less than god, then no."
I laughed.
"Even if I'm crazy and lose my mind? Will you stay with me even until then?" I held my breath as I said this.
"No matter what happens, Ryuichi. I'll stay as long as you want me to."
Someday, I will tell you everything, Tatsuha.
About the letters...
About the pictures...
About Kumagorou...
About the kiss...
About the concert...
How much I love you.
How much I believe in your words.
Finally, I closed my eyes to cry all the tears I held inside for so long.
I waited so long for someone to pull me from my own darkness. I was too proud to ask for help and I was too weak to scream 'save me'. I was so confused about everything about myself.
And yet, I waited for someone to understand how demented I saw the world. How twisted I saw human beings. How much I hated myself.
Yet, even though I wasn't worthy, I hoped while living as a lifeless corpse.
Living and yet not so.
Now, all the inner chaos is dwindling and becoming small.
I can breathe again.
Thank you for hearing me, Tatsuha.
For understanding that I may be Japan's idol with the sharp eyes,
But I was still human inside.
I was crying out to be saved from this loneliness...
To be saved from myself.
My inner war is over.
Someone heard my desparate prayer with my heart as the sacrifice;
and in return, offered me their soul.
After all this time, even for someone like me...
there was someone waiting.
Owari.
--
Author's note: Gosh...this was hard. I should have put more, but dragging out is for 'Aching Desire.'
Thank you for reading. As always, I've appreciated your love and support.
It has been difficult to write about anxiety, depression, and things of that nature. These things are just 'bad days', but something a lot of people have to deal with almost every day. It's hard enough to live life, but being suicidal or feeling anxiety adds much more pain. It's like living with glass on your feet, waiting to fall and go crazy.
I got very down and dirty with this piece and I'm sorry that at times, it seems overbearing with the really emotional parts. But I felt that was something I shouldn't have ignored.
Someone made me feel like I was a thing once, and I am still bitter about that. My best friend told me that he was trying to help, but I told him even I know how to treat people well even if he said I was 'unwell'. There are many people ashamed to admit that they have this, even if it is normal.
I chose to show this to you because I love Ryuichi. Of all the characters I can identify with, it's Subaru (Tokyo Babylon/X) and Ryuichi. I just wanted to say that whomever feels this way, you're not alone. I felt that way once, but I was very wrong. I wasn't at all.
I know that the ending is very open ended. It's not all happy as it should be, but it's realistic. Just because he has Tatsuha doesn't mean they live happily ever after. They both have many things to deal with (all within Aching Desire and beyond), but they stick it out together.
Society tells you that once you meet someone, you'll be with them, but that's not true at all. Touma and Ryuichi could have been together, but too many things got in the way and we don't even know what Ryuichi has in his past to have him so sad. That's his charm and mystery though, and to explain too much would ruin some of the fascination for him.
Yes, some people say they don't want to rely on other people (I am like that too), but I realized that you have to. Not totally, but you can't take it all upon yourself.
That's why instead of the two sentences before the last were my ending (as it was in the draft), I switched them with the current two ending sentences. It is because Ryuichi is relieved. He didn't want to be treated special because of what he did, but of who he was. Now, he wasn't alone anymore.
So, thank you again for reading. I am happy that my humble words were able to get through. I am still struggling to be the best person and writer I can possibly be, so it is so encouraging to talk to you all. To hear that you can identify with/learn from/enjoy this.
Love always,
Yui
10/7/2003 1:57:33 AM
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)
by miyamoto yui
Epilogue - the end of the beginning.
September 28th, 1999 (continued for September 26th)
Song of the day: Breathe your name by six pence none the richer.
I was so ready for anything that I didn't go to sleep. I ended up sitting in the booth thinking about what I wanted from life and how was I supposed to go there.
There was thing that I knew for sure, if anything else: Tatsuha.
He had to belong to me. I couldn't bear the thought of it any other way.
And if he'd reject me, at least there would some kind of closure than killing myself everyday thinking about what could be.
I started to make a song again. That's what I did when I didn't know how to feel. Thank goodness the lyrics were the only things that I needed to finish. So, I stood there with my notepad.
"Reach...
how could I reach you...?"
I called Emily early that morning and had her come to the studio when I was finally done with the lyrics. I needed her to hear me. I needed her to understand.
What did she see in my music?
Did she think that this was a fancy and that I'd take over my father's company? I didn't know exactly. She was never clear about what she liked about me. All she kept on telling me was that she loved me. And for a time, I believed those words.
Until Touma came into my life.
Love wasn't about saying it or little gifts.
It was harder not to say anything at all and make it seem like it was only natural to help someone out.
But even more than that, someone touched me without a breath.
Tatsuha had made me realize that love was more than not saying anything. It was reaching into a person and accepting them, no matter how awful they may be.
I was scared about what he would see. What Touma would see too after all these years...
For I couldn't understand what they saw in me. My mental block against what 'good' I could do rather than be harsh and dwell on what I couldn't.
It was unconditional. It was even harder to love someone seeing them self-destruct.
And even I didn't want Touma seeing me this way.
But Tatsuha.
I wanted this person to know the part of me that I was afraid of. The one that was shunned from the eyes of the world.
I closed my eyes. Could he listen to me the whole way through?
Would he be scared of me if he knew all that I carried inside of me? The insults...abuse...self-destruction...
Could he see me dirtied when I tried so hard to cover all that I hated about myself?
Emily came into the studio and smiled as she hugged me. Kissing me on the cheek, she gave me a concerned look. "What happened? Is something wrong?"
Her eyes scanned mine as she gently pressed her thumbs on my eyes. "Ryuichi, why were you crying?"
I nodded my head silently.
"Why?" She shook her head as she still held my face. "Are you okay? Please tell me."
This person would do anything for me...
But I didn't love her as she wanted...
How could I be so cruel to let this drag on?
"Ryuichi?" she asked again as she looked into my eyes.
"I want you to hear a song. It's something new that I made."
"But-"
"This is part of the reason that I cried." I pulled her hand into the recording booth as she nodded slowly. Standing to one side she said, "Thank you...you've never asked me to come with you here...so I feel very honored."
Why did you waste your time on me...
"I usually like to be by myself whenever I make lyrics and such," I answered while putting the earphones on my neck.
She nodded understandingly. "I know. That's why I never wanted to bother you."
Looking directly at her, I asked, "Why do you listen to my music?"
"Because it's beautiful, Ryuichi. You love it very much and it's a part of you." Looking away for a moment, she sighed. "It shows me a part of you that you never tell me, that's why."
I insisted, "But what do you think about it?"
"It's your heart."
I blinked at her for a moment. Had she always thought this way? Why didn't I see this?
Then, she continued, "You're so many different things and so many different people. You're a mermaid and then you're sleeping beauty. But all of them are you. And I feel blind. Because no matter how much you're reaching out, you still keep your heart intact. You're selfish like that."
"Emily..."
I began to play the song and I sang:
"(whisper) Never say a word.
Whisper to me in the rain
Without moving your mouth.
Lip-sync if you can,
I want to hear your voice once more.
In anger you turned away from me,
and disappear with that asphalt smell
that rain leaves behind.
Through the shadows of myself
I reach deep into this feeling
that makes all humans fall apart.
Falling deeper into you,
I've forsaken Heaven.
Fallen Angel. (come to me)
Killing us deeper and deeper
Without mercy or compassion
Reach out if you can,
I want to feel the warmth of your touch.
In gentleness you looked at me,
and vanish into a mirage of rain
that falls continuously.
Through the darkness in myself,
I rip without pity into this feeling,
that makes all humans more imperfect
Falling deeper inside of me,
I've gone to the depths of hell itself.
Fallen Angel. (kill me.)
(whisper)
The words I cannot say,
they work against me.
I cannot keep what's important,
it's slipping away.
Damn Fate won't let me keep...
Keep You.
Through the shadows of myself (Grasping blindly for anything)
I reach deep into this feeling (This burning desire)
that makes all humans fall apart. (And puts gods to their knees)
Falling deeper into you, (More than you'll ever know)
I've forsaken Heaven. (To find you)
Fallen Angel. (Come back to me.)"
My last song to sing to you Emily...
And all I think is Tatsuha.
I began to cry all over again as I carefully wiped my eyes. "Tomorrow I will leave Japan again, and I didn't even..."
Emily pushed herself off the wall and walked a few feet towards me.
"Hmm?" her looked said to me, but then it changed to a grin.
With a smile, she told me, "You did great, Ryuichi."
"Thanks," I said while taking off my earphones from my body. "There's something I have to tell you,
Emily."
"Yes, dear?" He put her hands down and looked at me attentively.
With a gulp, I gave her a serious look and told her, "I'm going to stop the line right here."
She started to say, "You mean you're not serious about-"
I interrupted, "If I marry you, I'll be doing it because my family has always married into yours."
"Y-you mean..." She began to sob. "You like that boy, don't you? The sixteen-year-old that picked us up."
"Yup." I began to adjust the microphone. "I told him about you. I told him I loved you once and you loved me. But he said something you would never say to me."
"And what was that, Ryuichi?!" She shouted in a hurt tone.
"All my life, I have gotten everything I've wanted. I've associated with the upper class." I laughed. "Why do you think I know Touma Seguchi?"
Well, because I went out of my way to be next to him after he talked to me in high school. Falling so hard I couldn't do anything but be by his side.
"And, I've gotten the best of everything. But..." I shook my head as I began to smile. Looking at her clearly, I said, "But, for myself, of my own free will, I've chosen to become a singer."
"And what has this got to do with Tatsuha-san?" She was confused as her tone betrayed her thoughts.
"He chose me."
My heart became suddenly light.
Pure silence ensued.
I then told her, "No one told him to go with me...but himself."
Slap!
The sting on my cheek was throbbing as she said, "I myself chose to be with you, Ryuichi."
Her voice quivered as she began to cry even more. "I personally asked my father for myself to given to you. But when you looked at me, I knew this day would come."
"..."
I know this too well.
She took a hold of my face as she gave me a sad smile. "I knew one day, you'd leave me."
Kissing me, she then rose her voice in frustration: "I know I'll love you more than he ever can Ryuichi!"
"No you can't!"
Suddenly, she let go as we both stared up at Tatsuha, startled.
I looked at Emily and then I looked at Tatsuha again.
"You..." I could barely move my lips so I couldn't even hear my own voice.
What are you doing here, Tatsuha?
You're making me hope all over again...
He was confused as he said, "My feeling's too strong, Emily. I can't express it with an 'I love you anymore'. It's more than love that I feel."
I was frozen, wondering if this was all a dream. I was probably hallucinating because I hadn't slept all night.
Did I hear correctly? Was this all real?
Was he saying those words that were always on my lips?
Emily's voice proudly answered, "How can you do that, Tatsuha?"
He came down and opened the door. Walking over to Emily, he held his hands out as if he were trying to touch something. His eyes were different though. They were different from last night.
So focused...
Then, he said something I would never forget:
"You're supposed to know him so well, but do you know that Ryuichi always sleeps with that bunny in his arms even if he has to bite its ear from losing it? Do you know that Ryuichi goes to karaoke bars because that's the only way he can vent out? Do you know that Ryuichi is ticklish on his left side? Do you know Ryuichi's true smile? Do you know what that looks like? Do you know why he changes whenever he sings?"
I stared at him dumbfounded.
Had he watched me so carefully all these years to be able to say all this so easily? So confidently?
What happened to you last night?
"No! You don't!" He shouted at her. Patting himself on the chest slowly, he nodded his head. "But, I do."
He began to smile as he looked at her with soft eyes. "I know that Ryuichi loves that bunny because it holds significant value. I know that Ryuichi gets so wound up that he sings what he can't say. I know that he is ticklish only when you give him chocolate. I know Ryuichi's real smile when he seems to sparkle. I know he changes whenever he sings because he expresses all the things he wants to do, but can't."
Tatsuha...
Why...how...where do I even begin?
"Believe in him," Touma's voice came into my head.
I was so moved that I couldn't say anything at all.
Unable to control her hurt and frustration, Emily took a step forward. Then, she shouted, "You want to fight about Ryuichi? You'll never win out on how much I know Ryuichi, little Tatsuha. I've known him much longer than you yourself have been alive."
Pushing his shoulder, she angrily said, "So don't you DARE tell me what I know and what I don't."
But Tatsuha didn't give up. With shrugged shoulders and a confident smile, he blurted out, "Then there's just only one difference between you and me, Emily. His feeling for me is real, but for you, it's just an obligation."
Slap!
Tatsuha turned his cheek, but still stared at her, unmoved.
I wanted to shout, but I caught myself unable to do so. Both of them were running out and I didn't know what to do. I watched them both leave as if they were in slow motion. Emily went out one door and Tatsuha went out the other.
Looking from side to side, I grew even more confused. Shuichi, from above, shouted at me, "Go, Sakuma-san! Make up your mind before they both leave!"
Shuichi-kun...
I closed my eyes for a split second and walked towards where I wanted to go.
"Yes, that's right..." I whispered to myself.
I ran up the stairs to catch up to Tatsuha.
He chose me.
By himself, he alone chose me...
I ran down the short hallway as my heart beat faster and faster.
All this time, I wanted to choose him too.
Opening the door, I was ready to run with all my might. Except, I swept back to find a wistful-eyed Tatsuha standing in front of me.
With his wonderful, charming smile, he joked, "What took you so long, Ryuichi?"
It was early afternoon, and I should have been sleepy, but as soon as I opened the door to my hotel room, I closed it shut while kissing Tatsuha and pressing him against the back of the door.
The phone rang and I lifted one finger. "One moment."
When my father shouted on the phone, I smiled. "I already disowned myself. You just didn't hear me the first time."
I slammed the phone.
Grabbing Tatsuha, I took off his clothing and I threw him onto the bed.
He laughed at me as I pulled my belt off while my knees touched his hips. I licked the nape of his neck and whispered into his ear, "All this time, I thought you couldn't hear me."
"What do you mean, Ryuichi?" he said as he caught my head between his hands for a moment.
I tilted my head to one side and shook my head. "You'll understand when I tell you."
He nodded his head as I began to kiss him on the mouth...
That night, as I laid below him and he kissed me. Then, he softly sang into my ear,
Through the shadows of myself (Grasping blindly for anything)
I reach deep into this feeling (This burning desire)
that makes all humans fall apart. (And puts gods to their knees)
Falling deeper into you, (More than you'll ever know)
I've forsaken Heaven. (To find you)
Fallen Angel. (Come back to me.)
"That's what loves means to me, Tatsuha-kun..." I told him.
This was my response to you...
When Tatsuha fell asleep that night, I smiled as I ran my fingers through his hair. I hugged him and couldn't express anything that I was feeling.
Finally...
Finally, I can have peace.
--
The next morning, I called Touma.
"I heard from Eiri. I guess I'll talk to you later." He chuckled on the phone.
Then, I said again in gratefulness, "Thank you, Touma. For everything."
"Ryuichi, stop that. You don't have to thank me for anything."
"But-"
"How can you thank someone who does everything so willingly for you?"
"Because you're stupid like that," I told him while shaking my head. "I've always wanted to say that."
Petty, yes, but for just once, I wanted to win against Touma.
"Only for you, Ryuichi. Catch you later."
Click.
I looked at the phone again.
Stupid Touma...
Always making me think more than I should...
--
At the airport, I hugged Tatsuha and he was so cute. He wouldn't let go of me. Even if it was a second longer, he held me tightly.
Oh, I was so happy this isn't a dream...
"I'll be back," I told him confidently.
With a smile on my face and courage inside of me, I finally said it aloud to him: "I love you, Tatsuha."
He blushed even though I think he didn't realize it.
Turning around, I left to go and check in. I didn't want to turn around because I knew myself too well.
If I turned, then I would never go.
Wait a minute...
Who the hell wanted to?!
I turned around and shouted his name at the top of my lungs. "Tatsuha! Tatsuha!"
Many people stared at me and began to whisper, but I didn't care what the hell they were thinking.
He turned around to find me running to him.
I ran and dropped my luggage. Jumping into his open arms, I hugged him around the neck with my legs twined over his waist. I kissed him on the cheek and said, "Tadaima, Tatsuha."
Yes, I am finally home.
Home wherever you are, Tatsuha.
"Okaeri," he said with a smile.
Snuggling into his arms, he began to cry. I didn't want him to see, but nor did I want anyone else to see.
He wrapped one arm around me and kissed the top of my head.
In my head, 'kikoeru ka' was forming its lyrics...
As we exited Narita Airport, I mumbled like an idiot, "Tatsuha?"
"Yes?"
"Will love you me even if I'm dirty?"
"Then, I'll have to clean you."
"Will you love me even if I'm not the way you thought I was?"
"If it's less than god, then no."
I laughed.
"Even if I'm crazy and lose my mind? Will you stay with me even until then?" I held my breath as I said this.
"No matter what happens, Ryuichi. I'll stay as long as you want me to."
Someday, I will tell you everything, Tatsuha.
About the letters...
About the pictures...
About Kumagorou...
About the kiss...
About the concert...
How much I love you.
How much I believe in your words.
Finally, I closed my eyes to cry all the tears I held inside for so long.
I waited so long for someone to pull me from my own darkness. I was too proud to ask for help and I was too weak to scream 'save me'. I was so confused about everything about myself.
And yet, I waited for someone to understand how demented I saw the world. How twisted I saw human beings. How much I hated myself.
Yet, even though I wasn't worthy, I hoped while living as a lifeless corpse.
Living and yet not so.
Now, all the inner chaos is dwindling and becoming small.
I can breathe again.
Thank you for hearing me, Tatsuha.
For understanding that I may be Japan's idol with the sharp eyes,
But I was still human inside.
I was crying out to be saved from this loneliness...
To be saved from myself.
My inner war is over.
Someone heard my desparate prayer with my heart as the sacrifice;
and in return, offered me their soul.
After all this time, even for someone like me...
there was someone waiting.
Owari.
--
Author's note: Gosh...this was hard. I should have put more, but dragging out is for 'Aching Desire.'
Thank you for reading. As always, I've appreciated your love and support.
It has been difficult to write about anxiety, depression, and things of that nature. These things are just 'bad days', but something a lot of people have to deal with almost every day. It's hard enough to live life, but being suicidal or feeling anxiety adds much more pain. It's like living with glass on your feet, waiting to fall and go crazy.
I got very down and dirty with this piece and I'm sorry that at times, it seems overbearing with the really emotional parts. But I felt that was something I shouldn't have ignored.
Someone made me feel like I was a thing once, and I am still bitter about that. My best friend told me that he was trying to help, but I told him even I know how to treat people well even if he said I was 'unwell'. There are many people ashamed to admit that they have this, even if it is normal.
I chose to show this to you because I love Ryuichi. Of all the characters I can identify with, it's Subaru (Tokyo Babylon/X) and Ryuichi. I just wanted to say that whomever feels this way, you're not alone. I felt that way once, but I was very wrong. I wasn't at all.
I know that the ending is very open ended. It's not all happy as it should be, but it's realistic. Just because he has Tatsuha doesn't mean they live happily ever after. They both have many things to deal with (all within Aching Desire and beyond), but they stick it out together.
Society tells you that once you meet someone, you'll be with them, but that's not true at all. Touma and Ryuichi could have been together, but too many things got in the way and we don't even know what Ryuichi has in his past to have him so sad. That's his charm and mystery though, and to explain too much would ruin some of the fascination for him.
Yes, some people say they don't want to rely on other people (I am like that too), but I realized that you have to. Not totally, but you can't take it all upon yourself.
That's why instead of the two sentences before the last were my ending (as it was in the draft), I switched them with the current two ending sentences. It is because Ryuichi is relieved. He didn't want to be treated special because of what he did, but of who he was. Now, he wasn't alone anymore.
So, thank you again for reading. I am happy that my humble words were able to get through. I am still struggling to be the best person and writer I can possibly be, so it is so encouraging to talk to you all. To hear that you can identify with/learn from/enjoy this.
Love always,
Yui
10/7/2003 1:57:33 AM