DISCLAIMER: I don't own any thing except the plot, April Fielding, and
Professor Greenleaf.
Chapter 5: Voldemort Returns With More Madness
Harry had a bad dream:
Lord Voldiemort was dancing while a lady in a black dress sang a very disturbing song. Deatheaters were dancing around a bon fire singing the chorus to the song. Then Sauron (from LotR) appeared in the fire and everyone bowed down to him. Then everything blacked out and a girl in a white dress was all Harry could see. "Follow the white rabbit, Harry, it will lead you to victory and glory.." Then the girl disappeared.
Harry woke to find his scar hurting again. What did his dream mean? Harry had no clue, but he would soon find out.
That day it began to rain like it usually does when something creepy is gonna happen. It was a Sunday morning and Harry and his friends were playing Wizards' Chess. "Checkmate, I win," Harry said for the hundredth time. Suddenly an owl came flying towards them and dropped a letter onto Harry's lap.
"What is it Harry?" Hermione asked.
"I dunno.. could be another anonymous letter from Sirius," Harry said opening the letter.
Dear Pothead,
I will get you EVENTUALLY! The Janitor and I have come up with a better song so beware!
Your arch nemesis, Lord Voldiemort
Harry fed the letter to Hedwig and got ready for the next class, which was Transfiguration. While Harry and his friends walked through the hall they could hear an explosion and laughing. Smoke filled the hallway. "Yeah, that's right Mrs. Norris. Run away. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" came the laughter in the smoke.
"It's Voldiemort!" Harry cried.
When the smoke cleared there was April standing there holding a grenade in her hand and wearing leather pants and shirt and cape and boots. She looked like she came out of the movie Underworld or the Matrix. "I think you killed Mrs. Norris," Harry said pointing to the dead cat on the ground. April kicked the cat and shrugged.
"She almost caught me sneaking around the 3rd floor. No way could she tell the enemy my secret plans," April said.
"Who's the enemy?" Harry wanted to know.
"Flitch. He's working for the agents of Voldiemort," April replied.
"Wow! You're amazing!" Draco walked up to April with hearts in his eyes. "Want to go out with me?" Draco asked. April pulled out a gun and shot him. Draco fell to the floor dead. April stepped on Draco and shot him some more and then spit in his face. Then for some strange reason Draco came back from the dead.
"No way," April said to Draco.
"Harry, Voldemort is back and he wants you dead," April said to Harry.
Suddenly Snape came walking through the hall and saw Mrs. Norris dead. "Who did this?" Snape asked looking at Harry. April raised her hand. "TEN POINTS TO SLYTHERIN!" Snape cried. Then Flitch came in and saw Mrs. Norris on the ground.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Flitch cried, sobbing uncontrollably, "Who did this awful thing?" April raised her hand. "I will personally see that you die in agony!" Flitch yelled. April raised her gun and shot Flitch. He fell to the floor dead. Everyone cheered.
"TEN POINTS TO SLYTHERIN!" yelled Snape.
Suddenly Deatheaters fell through the ceiling and landed on their feet, wands ready. The first Deatheater to go through the ceiling cast a spell on Hermione making her go bald. "OHMIGOD!" Harry screamed, "HERMIONE IS BALD!" Then April started shooting all the Deatheaters as she ran through the hall. Finally they were all dead.
"Come on Harry! We must get to the Forbidden Forest before more agents of the Dark Lord come!" April yelled. They all ran. Suddenly Pansy Parkinson blocked their way to the exit.
"I'm not letting you go! MUAHAHAHAHA-" April shot Pansy.
"DIE, BITCH!" screamed April. Pansy dropped dead. Then they all ran to the Forbidden Forest.
For some strange reason it was nighttime even though it had been morning just a few minutes ago. A full moon shone through the dark trees illuminating their path. April handed everyone a gun as they walked though the cold dark forest. Then dangling before them were sticks made to look like people hanging from the trees. Draco began to shiver. "We'll camp here for the night," April said. Everyone sat by the fire while April took watch.
"Let's tell ghost stories," Hermione suggested.
"I go first because I'm pretty," Draco said.
"Fine," Hermione said.
Then Draco began to tell his story: "Long ago in Burkittsville, Maryland there was a haunted forest called Blair Woods. There was a town called Blair that settled there. Everyone lived peacefully until the day that Elly Kedward came to Blair. Elly was known as the Blair Witch. Elly was in search of the man who convicted her mother to die. She always wore a black veil to cover her face because she was scarred from a horrible disease that had befallen her hometown in England. Then one day a woman named Virginia Blair found Elly's book of spells and told the town officials. So they condemned her to be executed as a witch. They left her out in the Blair Woods during a blizzard. She died, but her evil spirit remained killing the people of Blair. Then in 1994 four students went to the Blair Woods to find out if the Blair Witch was real. One student named Heather Donahue found stick people hanging from the trees and then her nose started to run.. And she had no tissues.." Draco said pausing for effect.
Suddenly the wind began to blow harder and harder. The stick people banged together. Then the fire went out. Everyone began to scream and they saw her. The Blair Witch. Crazy as ever and scary as hell. Voldiemort beside her. Lame as ever. "Fear me Harry Pothead! I have returned with a friend!" Voldiemort said. Harry gasped. Then the Janitor appeared with drums. Voldiemort started to play the electric guitar. Then the Blair Witch began to sing:
Haunting your memory we stay We fly through the night You cry and pray Lost in the dark without a light
Screaming.. Fear me! Fear me!
Haunting me The nightmare never goes away It's here to stay Burning into my memory
Screaming.. Fear me! Fear me!
You see evil rising like a tower Constantly consuming Conquer and devour Constantly consuming
Screaming.. Fear me! Fear me!
Haunting me The nightmare never goes away It's here to stay Burning into my memory
Screaming. Fear me! Fear me! Fear me! Fear me!
When the song ended everyone was surprised. The Blair Witch bowed. Out of nowhere black roses fell to her feet. Then the drums, guitar, and microphone disappeared and Voldiemort had his wand ready. "Dumbledore isn't here to save your sorry arse now Pothead!" Voldiemort cried. Suddenly bullets were flying about the place. April shot the Evil Janitor dead.
"Who will clean your toilets now, Pothead?" cried the Evil Janitor as he died. Then it started to rain like it always does in these odd situations.
"NOOOOOO!" Voldiemort yelled to the rain. "You'll pay Pothead! I've come prepared and brought friends!" Voldiemort yelled at Harry.
Suddenly Deatheaters stepped out of the shadows. Then Sauron appeared out of the darkness. They were out numbered 100000 to 6. What was Harry to do? They were trapped with no escape.
Use the necklace, Pothead.
A voice said from the sky. Everyone looked around and saw no one there. "What?" Harry asked.
Use the necklace, Pothead.
"What?" Harry asked.
USE THE FUCKING NECKLACE, DUMBASS!
"Oh!" Harry exclaimed getting out the necklace that the GREAT COW OF GLORY had given him in chapter 3. Harry held the necklace to the Deatheaters and Sauron. "SHABANG!" Harry screamed the magic word to activate the necklace's powers.
The Deatheaters began to melt and Sauron cried: "I'm melting! I'm melting! I'm melting!" Soon there was nothing but pink puddles.
"YAY!" Harry and Co. yelled.
"NOOOOOOOO!" Voldiemort yelled in response. Then Voldiemort remembered he still had the Blair Witch on his side.
"I'll just be going now.." The Blair Witch said and then vanished without a trace.
"SHABANG!" Harry yelled again holding the necklace up to Voldiemort. Voldiemort began to melt.
"Harry, I am your father," Voldiemort said before he melted away. Black cherry blossoms fell from the sky.
"Yay! I did it again!" Harry yelled to the sky. Harry did a victory dance that was quite disturbing around everyone. Then Harry began to sing his victory song:
Yay! I saved the day! From that evil dude I made Voldie pay I had him fooled
Sweet victory! Sweet victory!
Everything is okie-day now That Voldie and the Blair Witch are gone Bless the Great Cow Voldie is gone, but not for long
Sweet victory! Sweet victory!
Happiness is a blessed thing If only it would last But Voldie will be back to sing But now it's all in the past
Sweet victory! Sweet victory! Yay! Everything is okie-day!
Harry would have continued the song, but April shot him. Everyone partied. Snape somehow appeared out of the trees and said: "A MILLION POINTS TO SLYTHERIN!!" Harry came back to life and everyone stopped partying.
Then the Great Cow of Glory fell from the sky. "Good job, Harry Pothead," The Cow said.
"Thank you, Great Cow of Glory, I learned a valuable lesson although I don't know quite what it is," Harry said.
"There is something I must tell you," The Cow said.
"What is it, your greatness?" Harry asked.
"I am really Dumbledore," The Cow said. Harry and the others gasped. The Cow nodded.
Suddenly a squirrel and a white rabbit fell from the sky. "Greetings Harry Pothead. I am Screwed Up Squirrel and this is Random Rabbit," said Screwed Up Squirrel.
"We must take you to the land of Madness to save us from the Evil One a.k.a Voldiemort," said Random Rabbit.
"But I just killed Voldiemort," Harry said.
"In this world he is dead, but in our world he is still alive. Please save us from his evilness," Screwed Up Squirrel said.
"Toenail," Random Rabbit said in agreement.
"Okie-day then. Let's go defeat Voldiemort again!" Harry said. To be continued..
(A/N: looks like Harry and his friends are off on another adventure. Next chapter is bound to me even more crazy!)
Chapter 5: Voldemort Returns With More Madness
Harry had a bad dream:
Lord Voldiemort was dancing while a lady in a black dress sang a very disturbing song. Deatheaters were dancing around a bon fire singing the chorus to the song. Then Sauron (from LotR) appeared in the fire and everyone bowed down to him. Then everything blacked out and a girl in a white dress was all Harry could see. "Follow the white rabbit, Harry, it will lead you to victory and glory.." Then the girl disappeared.
Harry woke to find his scar hurting again. What did his dream mean? Harry had no clue, but he would soon find out.
That day it began to rain like it usually does when something creepy is gonna happen. It was a Sunday morning and Harry and his friends were playing Wizards' Chess. "Checkmate, I win," Harry said for the hundredth time. Suddenly an owl came flying towards them and dropped a letter onto Harry's lap.
"What is it Harry?" Hermione asked.
"I dunno.. could be another anonymous letter from Sirius," Harry said opening the letter.
Dear Pothead,
I will get you EVENTUALLY! The Janitor and I have come up with a better song so beware!
Your arch nemesis, Lord Voldiemort
Harry fed the letter to Hedwig and got ready for the next class, which was Transfiguration. While Harry and his friends walked through the hall they could hear an explosion and laughing. Smoke filled the hallway. "Yeah, that's right Mrs. Norris. Run away. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" came the laughter in the smoke.
"It's Voldiemort!" Harry cried.
When the smoke cleared there was April standing there holding a grenade in her hand and wearing leather pants and shirt and cape and boots. She looked like she came out of the movie Underworld or the Matrix. "I think you killed Mrs. Norris," Harry said pointing to the dead cat on the ground. April kicked the cat and shrugged.
"She almost caught me sneaking around the 3rd floor. No way could she tell the enemy my secret plans," April said.
"Who's the enemy?" Harry wanted to know.
"Flitch. He's working for the agents of Voldiemort," April replied.
"Wow! You're amazing!" Draco walked up to April with hearts in his eyes. "Want to go out with me?" Draco asked. April pulled out a gun and shot him. Draco fell to the floor dead. April stepped on Draco and shot him some more and then spit in his face. Then for some strange reason Draco came back from the dead.
"No way," April said to Draco.
"Harry, Voldemort is back and he wants you dead," April said to Harry.
Suddenly Snape came walking through the hall and saw Mrs. Norris dead. "Who did this?" Snape asked looking at Harry. April raised her hand. "TEN POINTS TO SLYTHERIN!" Snape cried. Then Flitch came in and saw Mrs. Norris on the ground.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Flitch cried, sobbing uncontrollably, "Who did this awful thing?" April raised her hand. "I will personally see that you die in agony!" Flitch yelled. April raised her gun and shot Flitch. He fell to the floor dead. Everyone cheered.
"TEN POINTS TO SLYTHERIN!" yelled Snape.
Suddenly Deatheaters fell through the ceiling and landed on their feet, wands ready. The first Deatheater to go through the ceiling cast a spell on Hermione making her go bald. "OHMIGOD!" Harry screamed, "HERMIONE IS BALD!" Then April started shooting all the Deatheaters as she ran through the hall. Finally they were all dead.
"Come on Harry! We must get to the Forbidden Forest before more agents of the Dark Lord come!" April yelled. They all ran. Suddenly Pansy Parkinson blocked their way to the exit.
"I'm not letting you go! MUAHAHAHAHA-" April shot Pansy.
"DIE, BITCH!" screamed April. Pansy dropped dead. Then they all ran to the Forbidden Forest.
For some strange reason it was nighttime even though it had been morning just a few minutes ago. A full moon shone through the dark trees illuminating their path. April handed everyone a gun as they walked though the cold dark forest. Then dangling before them were sticks made to look like people hanging from the trees. Draco began to shiver. "We'll camp here for the night," April said. Everyone sat by the fire while April took watch.
"Let's tell ghost stories," Hermione suggested.
"I go first because I'm pretty," Draco said.
"Fine," Hermione said.
Then Draco began to tell his story: "Long ago in Burkittsville, Maryland there was a haunted forest called Blair Woods. There was a town called Blair that settled there. Everyone lived peacefully until the day that Elly Kedward came to Blair. Elly was known as the Blair Witch. Elly was in search of the man who convicted her mother to die. She always wore a black veil to cover her face because she was scarred from a horrible disease that had befallen her hometown in England. Then one day a woman named Virginia Blair found Elly's book of spells and told the town officials. So they condemned her to be executed as a witch. They left her out in the Blair Woods during a blizzard. She died, but her evil spirit remained killing the people of Blair. Then in 1994 four students went to the Blair Woods to find out if the Blair Witch was real. One student named Heather Donahue found stick people hanging from the trees and then her nose started to run.. And she had no tissues.." Draco said pausing for effect.
Suddenly the wind began to blow harder and harder. The stick people banged together. Then the fire went out. Everyone began to scream and they saw her. The Blair Witch. Crazy as ever and scary as hell. Voldiemort beside her. Lame as ever. "Fear me Harry Pothead! I have returned with a friend!" Voldiemort said. Harry gasped. Then the Janitor appeared with drums. Voldiemort started to play the electric guitar. Then the Blair Witch began to sing:
Haunting your memory we stay We fly through the night You cry and pray Lost in the dark without a light
Screaming.. Fear me! Fear me!
Haunting me The nightmare never goes away It's here to stay Burning into my memory
Screaming.. Fear me! Fear me!
You see evil rising like a tower Constantly consuming Conquer and devour Constantly consuming
Screaming.. Fear me! Fear me!
Haunting me The nightmare never goes away It's here to stay Burning into my memory
Screaming. Fear me! Fear me! Fear me! Fear me!
When the song ended everyone was surprised. The Blair Witch bowed. Out of nowhere black roses fell to her feet. Then the drums, guitar, and microphone disappeared and Voldiemort had his wand ready. "Dumbledore isn't here to save your sorry arse now Pothead!" Voldiemort cried. Suddenly bullets were flying about the place. April shot the Evil Janitor dead.
"Who will clean your toilets now, Pothead?" cried the Evil Janitor as he died. Then it started to rain like it always does in these odd situations.
"NOOOOOO!" Voldiemort yelled to the rain. "You'll pay Pothead! I've come prepared and brought friends!" Voldiemort yelled at Harry.
Suddenly Deatheaters stepped out of the shadows. Then Sauron appeared out of the darkness. They were out numbered 100000 to 6. What was Harry to do? They were trapped with no escape.
Use the necklace, Pothead.
A voice said from the sky. Everyone looked around and saw no one there. "What?" Harry asked.
Use the necklace, Pothead.
"What?" Harry asked.
USE THE FUCKING NECKLACE, DUMBASS!
"Oh!" Harry exclaimed getting out the necklace that the GREAT COW OF GLORY had given him in chapter 3. Harry held the necklace to the Deatheaters and Sauron. "SHABANG!" Harry screamed the magic word to activate the necklace's powers.
The Deatheaters began to melt and Sauron cried: "I'm melting! I'm melting! I'm melting!" Soon there was nothing but pink puddles.
"YAY!" Harry and Co. yelled.
"NOOOOOOOO!" Voldiemort yelled in response. Then Voldiemort remembered he still had the Blair Witch on his side.
"I'll just be going now.." The Blair Witch said and then vanished without a trace.
"SHABANG!" Harry yelled again holding the necklace up to Voldiemort. Voldiemort began to melt.
"Harry, I am your father," Voldiemort said before he melted away. Black cherry blossoms fell from the sky.
"Yay! I did it again!" Harry yelled to the sky. Harry did a victory dance that was quite disturbing around everyone. Then Harry began to sing his victory song:
Yay! I saved the day! From that evil dude I made Voldie pay I had him fooled
Sweet victory! Sweet victory!
Everything is okie-day now That Voldie and the Blair Witch are gone Bless the Great Cow Voldie is gone, but not for long
Sweet victory! Sweet victory!
Happiness is a blessed thing If only it would last But Voldie will be back to sing But now it's all in the past
Sweet victory! Sweet victory! Yay! Everything is okie-day!
Harry would have continued the song, but April shot him. Everyone partied. Snape somehow appeared out of the trees and said: "A MILLION POINTS TO SLYTHERIN!!" Harry came back to life and everyone stopped partying.
Then the Great Cow of Glory fell from the sky. "Good job, Harry Pothead," The Cow said.
"Thank you, Great Cow of Glory, I learned a valuable lesson although I don't know quite what it is," Harry said.
"There is something I must tell you," The Cow said.
"What is it, your greatness?" Harry asked.
"I am really Dumbledore," The Cow said. Harry and the others gasped. The Cow nodded.
Suddenly a squirrel and a white rabbit fell from the sky. "Greetings Harry Pothead. I am Screwed Up Squirrel and this is Random Rabbit," said Screwed Up Squirrel.
"We must take you to the land of Madness to save us from the Evil One a.k.a Voldiemort," said Random Rabbit.
"But I just killed Voldiemort," Harry said.
"In this world he is dead, but in our world he is still alive. Please save us from his evilness," Screwed Up Squirrel said.
"Toenail," Random Rabbit said in agreement.
"Okie-day then. Let's go defeat Voldiemort again!" Harry said. To be continued..
(A/N: looks like Harry and his friends are off on another adventure. Next chapter is bound to me even more crazy!)