Author's Notes: Sorry for the very long delay in getting this last part written.The final chapter I see as the most important. I want it to live up to what the reader hoped. I wanted it to be just 'right' and 'feel' right. The tone needed a lot of work and I fumbled with it for a while. I think I finally captured what I was looking to the end to be. It's long though. At 11 pages it's only a portion of the rest of chapter 20 (about 18 pages total), which I've broken up into parts 'A and 'B. I should have 'B by tomorrow.

The Bloodcross Key: Arc 2: Reversals
by Lady Tempest


Part 20-a:

Squall sighed, leaning against the door, and staring at the ceiling of his room. Tendrils of sunlight leaked over the top of the curtains to bleed pale gold across the plaster above him, twining and melding with shadows. Bright flecks of dust danced and glittered in the light to fade to nothing when they floated into the dull gray gloom.

He thumped the back of his head into the door; Again and again and again, like the beat of some primitive drum or a nervous heart. Again. And again. All his frustration, anger, confusion, weariness, he sought to knock away, dislodge from his mind and leave him in some semblance of peace.

Squall just wanted the day to end; to be swallowed up into the darkness around him, where his life could be simpler. Less complicated, less populated, with things he couldn't control or understand. Or where he curl up in warmth and forget about the demands on him. Where he could be just himself. He had never wanted to be commander, or headmaster, or boyfriend. Well... not her boyfriend.

Yet, the need to not be alone, to be wanted, quivered under his skin, in his blood. And that need came crashing into a wall of ice, of protection. Squall could never trust anyone. Couldn't dare. Only himself. Only he could be depended on. To leave himself open, was not only foolish but dangerous. No matter how much Rinoa pushed or claimed to love him, and most times they were one and the same, there was always a sense that he was losing something: his wants, his needs, his thoughts... him. And in it's place was her, and his real fear that when she left -- and she would-- she took all of him with her, letting Squall only keep his loneliness.

But with her finally gone, at his hand, his choice, he found he had kept himself, protected what was his. Truly, her betrayal of him was meaningless, a nothing. Not painful and not numbed, just... just whatever. Or... free. That was it: free. He felt free. Unchained. Alone again. And oddly, the loneliness was only a faint twinge, a tug drawing him. Drawing him to himself, yet also not himself, to... to...

His head stilled and lolled to his shoulder as his gaze fell to his bed and the young man lying in it. In the gray-blue duskiness, Seifer was a long, dark lump under his blanket. At least he seemed to be resting peacefully, like Squall had left him earlier, before his meeting. Quiet. Calm. Safe. Safe...

Squall's teeth ground together as his jaw tightened and his eyes narrowed. No, Rinoa's betrayal wasn't in her attempt to cheat on him with Seifer, but in her using Seifer. Like a fucking toy. Like those bastards had. Only caring for what they wanted and not giving even a moments concern for what Seifer wanted, or felt, or needed. Seifer was just a thing to them. To all of them, including Rinoa. She used him. And how much further would she had gone if Squall hadn't interrupted?

His anger flared anew. Stupid, selfish girl! Rinoa's violation of Seifer's trust, of his trust, shadowed any betrayal of their relationship. Hurt Seifer, and nothing else mattered. Nothing. Hopefully, it would fall on Seifer's already existing scars and not inflict new and deeper wounds. If Seifer got worse... if he tried to... again...

Squall shuddered. His hands clawed into the leather sleeves of his jacket as he wrapped his arms around himself, instinctively warming his body from the cold. However, the cold wasn't from without, but within. The fear and pain of nearly losing a part of himself, especially the part Seifer had become, strangled his chest, choking.

It was all too much. He didn't know what to do. Overwhelmed, drowning in intensity of emotion he wasn't accustomed to, he was pulled every which way by forces beyond his control. Too much had happened, world-shattering things. Or at least his world. A world of ice and cold and protection, already vulnerable to the fire of a blue-eyed sun, crumbling under the stresses and calamities of the past month, was rupturing, dying. The molten heat at its core oozed through each crack and crevice and he couldn't keep it back, keep it inside... control it. It was too much. All too much...

He'd never admit it to anyone, barely even himself: he was afraid. Terrified. He'd come too close too often to losing... Seifer. Forever. In one way or another. And it terrified him. What if she had dealt the final blow? If Seifer had been pushed over an edge there was no climbing up from...

"S... Squall?"

Squall blinked. Like being splashed with ice-water, with a startled twitch he pulled back from within to focus on the room outside him and the form stirring on his bed. Fingers stiffening to dig into his crossed arms, head bowed to his chest, he gasped for air and struggled to calm his racing heart.

"Hmm?"

Seifer emerged from the blanket, his hair pale in the gloom, and drowsily rubbed his eyes. "S... Squall?" the blond murmured, slightly hoarse.

For a breath's pause, Squall let the pulls of a smile warm his face. Let it, or rather a boyishly adorable and safe Seifer, slowly wash away some of his anxiety, his anger. With a shove off from the door, Squall crossed the room in quick strides.

"I'm here," he replied with as much Matron-like reassurance as he could summon -- which wasn't as encouraging as he'd have liked considering the confusion and turmoil churning about in his mind, like dried leaves in a storm. "Something wrong?"

Binding the blanket tightly around himself in quaking hands, Seifer's wide eyes glinted with the sunlight peeking from behind the edge of the curtain. Like liquid gold, the light dripped along his neck and down his back, quivering in sharp waves, back and forth, in and out, with Seifer's every gasping breath.

"W... what..." Seifer croaked. "W... what w... was that noise?"

Halting a pace or two from his bed, Squall glanced about him, a wary frown on his lips. "What noise?"

"B... b... banging."

"Oh," Squall replied with a sheepish almost-chuckle, rubbing at the back of his neck. "Uh,... my head." Maybe it hadn't been such a good idea after all? It hadn't made him feel any better, and instead he only looked like a complete idiot. To Seifer too. And he had disturbed Seifer's much needed sleep.

Seifer blinked. "Your ... head?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Oh ...okay." Seifer went quiet.

Watching each shadow of expression flitter across Seifer's face, Squall waited, expectant. He could sense it lingering in Seifer's easy acceptance. The old Seifer was there, trying to step through the door Squall had opened, -- 'Squall is a moron' -- but the hurt and fear sent him running instead.

Seifer remained silent, pained blue eyes tensed, corners of his mouth twitching to a frown, which had for a fraction of time appeared to want a grin. Except, the moment had passed, leaving a defeated sorrow in its wake.

Squall sighed and dropped lightly onto the edge of his bed, cradling his head in weary hands. What a fool. He was as much a moron as his father. And just as selfish as Rinoa. Seifer was hurting, reeling from a violation of trust, and all he could think about was his own confusing feelings; And wanting Seifer to be like he had been. Wanting the sly, amused glimmer in Seifer's stunning blue eyes; wanting the humor, the strength, the arrogance, the taunt, the l-...

...But what Seifer needed was comfort, caring, and Squall had no clue how to give it. He fumbled along, snatching the distant memories of Matron, hoping he got it right. But it all seemed pointless. How could he possibly help anyone, when he was lucky to help himself?

"So, why?" Seifer asked quietly.

"Huh?" Lowering his hands onto his lap, Squall lifted his head, and peered, dazed, blinking, through his errant bangs.

***********

Seifer's fingers relaxed their grip on the blanket wrapped tightly around him. Squall so close and warm, bodyheat seeping through the bedcovers and into his thigh, sent a shiver through his skin. He didn't deserve it, but it felt safe. Squall felt safe. Even if he was acting strangely. "Why were you..."

"Oh." Squall shrugged. "Just going crazy."

Crazy? Seifer bowed his head, staring quietly at his trembling hands. It was all his fault. It wasn't enough that his own mind was driven over the edge, he had to drag Squall with him. He knew he was a burden. Always screwing up. Always causing trouble. Always making everyone's lives more difficult. "I... I'm sorry..."

"What? "

"I'm sorry." He wrung and twisted the blanket in his clawed fingers. Pathetic. So pathetic. "I'm so pathetic. I..."

"Seifer," Squall's voice rose in gentle warning "You're not! And it's not your fault. If anything, it's mine."

Squeezing his eyes tight, Seifer bit his quivering lip, trying to shut out the rising sting of tears. How could it be Squall's fault? How could anything be Squall's fault? He was the screw-up, the villain, the monster. Not Squall!

"I'm so sorry... I..." His throat hurt. Stretched, twisting, constricting like it was being crushed in razor-sharp claws, his voice was barely a squeaked croak.

It was all wrong. Everything was wrong. Everything was his fault. Always his fault. Why couldn't Squall see that? All he was good for was hurting people, even when he didn't mean to. Even when he was trying to do the right thing. It all went wrong. He was bad. Had always been bad...

"Hey..." Squall's hand rested lightly on his knee, much like Rinoa's had. But it didn't feel the same. It should, but it didn't. The warmth soaking into him from Squall's oddly gentle fingers stung as much as Squall's words. "I told you it wasn't your fault. Don't worry about it."

He opened his blurred eyes and stared at Squall's hand in a flurry of horror and desperate longing. It gently squeezed, thumb brushing up and down his knee in soft, short strokes. Its very tenderness brought another sort of pain: Pain for its sweetness; Pain for its forgiveness; Pain for his want of it.

How could Squall stand to touch him? How could Squall not blame him? Seifer had betrayed him! Betrayed the promise and Squall's trust, Squall's relationship, Squall's kindness, Squall. Everything! Everyone and everything. As he always did and always would until someone had the sense to just let him fucking die! He could never do anything right. Never! He was an eternal fuck-up...

"But... but ... I... I can't do anything right. I always fuck up!" Seifer cried, pounding a quivering fist against the mattress. "I know what you said and I tried but I didn't want to hurt her and you'd be mad at me and I didn't want you mad at me and I... I... I'm so sorry...please don't be mad....I'm sorry... I'm so fucking pathetic... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..."

Squall leaned towards him, hand still on his knee, and reaching out with the other, lifted Seifer's chin. Their eyes met.

"Stop it," Squall said, cupping Seifer's face firmly in his hands and staring into Seifer's eyes. Squall's own gray-blue were darker in the gloom, but glittered strangely like with tiny stars in a twilight sky.

Seifer couldn't breathe, and couldn't look away. A blend, in those eyes, in Squall's voice, in Squall's beautiful face, of the stern Garden Commander and the caring friend in his dreams held him as securely, and as bewildered, as the gentleness in Squall's hands.

Squall continued in a soothing whisper, "You have nothing to be sorry about. I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at her for hurting you."

What? But... "But... but I know you love her and..."

Squall shook his head. "I don't."

What! Seifer blinked, his golden brows crinkling in confusion. That couldn't be! He couldn't mean... Squall had to love her. It was the only right thing. For them both to be happy after all he had done to them. Squall had to. Had to! He was a nothing. Nothing important at all. Nothing worth anyone's anger, unless it was directed at him. He had destroyed too many things and too many people, he couldn't destroy them too. Not them! He could never forgive himself.

Not that he could forgive himself before. Just one more precious thing piled on the endless list of other precious things he ruined and defiled. And the eyes. The eyes. Thousands of them. Staring. Leering. Hating. And hands. Hands clawing at him, digging into him,. Filthy. Sick. Vile... He shivered, nausea churning his gut. Squall should get away from him before it was too late. Before he destroyed everything that ever mattered.

Grabbing Squall's wrists, Seifer tried to squirm free of the brunet's hold, trembling and blurry-eyed. Squall had to let go. He would get dirty. All dirty. All his fault...

But Squall refused to release him, instead firming his grip, his storm-blue eyes steadfastly boring into Seifer. Boring into his soul. A thing the blond thought too corrupted, too broken, if not completely destroyed, to ever be touched by anything good and beautiful again.

Hands shaking and eyes wide, Seifer stared at the brunet, desperate. His head ached, tension wrinkling his brow. And Squall shook his head and smiled. A pleased, amused, yet cryptic smile. Like someone who knew a secret.

Seifer blinked, his mouth gone dry. His heart skipped a beat or two as his initial distress and confusion gave way to a burst of awareness. The daze began to clear and his jaw dropped slack, his hands too, from Squall's wrists, onto the cool bunch of sheets in his lap. And he was left in even greater confusion.

Smiling? Squall was smiling. Smiling. Smiling! At him?

More surprising, the smile brightened, broadened. What could there be to smile about? Especially for someone to whom 'Ice Prince' was taken as a compliment? Squall must be going crazy.

"I don't love her, Seifer," Squall finally whispered, like he was revealing a great, wonderful secret. "Not like you mean..." His thumbs slowly caressed Seifer's face. "... or she wanted."

Not like...? Squall didn't? The thumping of his heart quickened, suddenly plummeting to ricochet, thrumming, off his insides. Didn't? But... "Oh." Seifer blinked again, his lashes and their shadows like butterfly wings against his blushing cheeks.

Squall's smile eased into a pleased smirk. His slender eyebrow arched and a mischievous twinkle shone in his smoky blue eyes.

"Yeah, 'Oh'." Squall's fingers smoothed through Seifer's hair.

Seifer bit his lip, catching a gasp in his throat. Lashes drooping, heart tripping a frantic beat, his skin flushed hot and tingled under Squall's mesmerizing touch. It was wonderful, like a dream.

But... No! He had to resist. Squall was good and beautiful. Had to be kept clean Kept from him. And... and otherwise foolish hope could creep in, and he couldn't fight anymore. Not that. And not this. Not anymore. Not when he wanted it so much and could never deserve it. He was filthy. Bad. He couldn't be happy. Couldn't be allowed to be. It was wrong...

"We broke up, you know," Squall said casually.

What!

Seifer blinked once more, his aqua eyes startled and child-like wide. "Oh..." All he could do was stare and blink, his mind and lips stunned into silence.

Squall chuckled. "If you like, I can lend you a few other vowels. Maybe a consonant or two. You might be able to make a whole word."

Swallowing, throat dry and scratchy, Seifer tried to open his mouth, to speak. But nothing came. Not even the squeak he was afraid had latched onto his voice. They were both silent for several moments. Squall's hands rested on both of Seifer's shoulders, fingers trailed lightly up and down his neck, raising blissful chills along his skin.

"Why?" Seifer forced himself to ask. Thankfully, the squeak lodged in his throat had loosened into a husky croak.

Another chuckle. "Wow. At least you've gotten to Zell's vocabulary. Though 'yo' doesn't fit you," Squall smirked.

Seifer just stared. A distant part of him had the urge to join in Squall's teasing. Wanted to enjoy it, like he wanted to enjoy Squall's uncharacteristic comforting touches. But that part had to stay locked away, with the part of him that hoped and dreamed.

The humor faded from Squall's grin. With a deep breath, he slid his hands from Seifer's shoulders and dropped them and his gaze to his lap. As Squall watched his fingers splay over his thighs while he smoothed his palms up and down the slick leather of his pants, he took another deep breath.

His eyes lifted to peer at Seifer through the curtain of his dark bangs and he finally spoke, whispered, "Why? Because I had enough. Because I let it go on too long when it never should have started. She and I were never 'right' for each other. Because... because she hurt you."

Squall gazed into Seifer's eyes with an intensity which frightened him...

"And that I won't forgive."

... An intensity which consumed. He didn't deserve that much feeling, that much fire. Unless it was from hate or disgust. And it as far from being either than he could have ever dreamed, even when he was stupid enough to dream. It was so plain, no amount of self-loathing could twist it to mean anything else: Squall cared.

Seifer was silent. Tears rolled down his cheeks. Squall truly cared. He didn't deserve it, but Squall cared anyway. All the pain and torment Seifer had caused the beautiful young man and everyone he cared about, and Squall, impossibly, still cared. How? How could anyone care about a monster? How could the one person he loved, the only one he ever loved, care about someone as horrible as Seifer Almasy?

The torture. Dark, cold room. Black. The biting smell of machine oil and the friction of metal scraping against metal. The chains. Thick and cold. The sharp stench of ozone and blistering flesh. Screams. So many screams.

"I'm sorry," Seifer sobbed, tears pouring in a hot-then-chill tingle down his aching face. "I'm so sorry."

Squall sighed. "I told you it wasn't your fault. Don't worry about it."

"No, not that." Shaking his head, Seifer's bottom lip trembled, thick tears plunking into dark circles on the sheet covering him. "For everything else. For hurting you."

"What are you talking about?" Squall's hands stilled. "You haven't hurt me."

Seifer shook his head again, swallowing hard, the tightness in his troat becoming painful. "When...when I was the Sorceress' Knight. I did horrible things, terrible things, to you."

"Whatever..."

"I don't blame you for not forgiving me. I don't des..."

"Hey, stop it! I'm not forgiving you..." Squall grasped his jaw, and looked straight into his eyes. "... because there's nothing to forgive. Nothing!"

"But I... I'm so sorry."

"Stop it! I said 'nothing!' " Squall snapped, his clamp on his jaw tensing.

"But..."

"'But' nothing. It wasn't you."

Seifer was suddenly caught fiercely into Squall's arms. They tightened and he almost couldn't breathe, but he didn't care. Squall's breath beat hard and warm against his neck, stirring his hair so it tickled his prickling skin. Seifer drowned in the scent of worn leather and the musk of Autumn, wanting to stay there, held, safe, forever. Wanting so much to deserve it.

The words and thoughts choked, bound by the strength of his emotions and all he ever wanted falling within his grasp. "I..."

"It wasn't you, Seifer," Squall whispered against his ear and the blond shivered. "Edea told us how Ultimecia controlled you, controlled both of you."

Closing his eyes, Seifer longed to believe. But his mind swirled with horrible memories: Squall writhing in agony as blue-white arcs of electricity crackled through his body; the blood, red, so red, dripping from Squall's wounds...

Squall's fingers painfully tugged his hair and dug into his side in a desperate clinging to him, like Squall was saving him from a deadly fall. Strangely, the sharp bite of it paid enough of his guilt to accept the sweetness of Squall's fierce affection.

"Do you think you would be here if I blamed you? If I was at all bothered by it?" Feather-light and gentle, Squall's voice and breath ghosted against his skin in warm shivers. "Do you think you would be here?"

His lashes were heavy and nose itched. Seifer sniffed and clung desperately to Squall in return. Tears stung his eyes, and tickled, causing him to blink them away.

Squall added in a slow, deep whisper, "With me?"

"With you?" Seifer asked weakly.

"My choice, and no other reason." Suddenly pulling away, Squall shrugged his jacket from his shoulders and to the floor in a lump of leather, and turned, falling back against the headboard and the soft mound of pillows. He clasped one arm across Seifer's shoulders and gently tugged the blond to him. "Now go back to sleep. You need your rest."

Vision blurred, Seifer nodded and shifted in the bed to lie down, bundled under the blanket and beside Squall's slender body. He reminded himself to breathe as, shoulders hunched, he tucked his head onto Squall's chest, hand curled over a gather of Squall's t-shirt, and snuggled in the sweet warmth of Squall's arms.

Uncertain, insecure, but happy. Hysterically happy. And not deserving one moment of it, but happy just the same.

*****

Squall gazed down at the golden head resting on his stomach. Threading his fingers through Seifer's soft hair, he studied Seifer's handsome face: his gorgeous eyes were closed, peaceful in sleep, lashes spiked and darkened gold with dried tears; His brow smooth, free of lines and tension, and his mouth -- Squall took a quick breath, swallowing hard-- Seifer's mouth was slightly parted, warm breath seeping through Squall's thin t-shirt and heating the underlying skin. At the sweet smile on Seifer's peach-pink lips, his own lips twitched into a faint grin.

For the moment, Seifer seemed happy, content, and at peace from the nightmares and memories and self-loathing which were a constant torment. How he had managed any sort of effective comfort, Squall wasn't sure. But all that mattered was, somehow, he had, and Seifer felt safe. Safe enough to lay aside his demons, for a while, and to trust Squall would keep them away, at least while he slept. If only he could keep them away forever. All he could do, all he could promise, was he would do anything to help Seifer banish them himself. And do everything in his power so new ones would never find him.

Seifer had suffered so much in such a short life. Too much. His own petty loneliness was nothing to Seifer's pain. Once they had been the same, lost boys with no home, no parents, no one to love them, hold them, need them, want them. Although they each found a measure of what they desperately craved, what every child needs to survive, in Matron, in Sis, its time had been too short and also ended in loss. A loss which drove Squall to lose more than an older 'sister', and drove Seifer to lose something of himself in a blind quest.

Damn! Why did fate, or whatever chose to fuck one person over for another, seem to enjoy destroying a sweet little boy's dreams? All Seifer had wanted was a friend, someone who understood, who was alone too, and Squall had killed that quest time after time, so absorbed in his own misery, he couldn't see it mirrored in sad blue eyes.

And as a young man, all Seifer had wanted was to be a knight. Was it for the glory? Or just as fitting to Seifer's personality, to protect, to care, to be needed? Yet, like everything else in Seifer's life, it had been twisted, used to torment and gouge even deeper wounds.

And here he was, Squall Leonhart, who never had the courage to dream. Who drowned in a pain that could have been healed so easily, by one who needed healing too. Who only felt alive and human and free with Seifer. Stubborn, persistent, passionate Seifer.

Squall blinked, his hand freezing in mid-stroke of Seifer's brow.

And he realized, truly realized: he wasn't alone. He had never been alone. He had just been too blind in the cold of his self-pity to see. Although he sensed he had likely come to the conclusion before, it had finally become real. As real as the warm body snuggled against him. No longer a concept floating aimlessly inside his thick skull, but a solid, consuming reality.

******

..... (more in Part 20 b)