Disclaimer: Don't own Raziel..
This is a particularly meaningful piece which a friend of mine advised me to write and get it off my chest (probably because I was being more of a psycho than usual). It's basically about a kid who gets obsessed with Raziel (who else?). Nice and disturbing.
It isn't meant to be insightful, erfectly worded or brilliant, I'm just having a bash and seeing what strange things happen when you let lose your imagination on a worse case scenario!
Enough said-
TAKING OVER ME
So perhaps this had become a little bit of a habit. An obsession, maybe?
"You don't remember me"
I remember the first time- I'd only bought that game because I'd heard of it in a magazine and couldn't think of anything else. In all honestly, it feels pitiful now. I'd wanted something to keep me occupied. Soemthing (ANYTHING!!!) to tear me away from my giggling group of friends who called up to ask if I'd bought the newest hair product, or if they suited magenta. To take my mind off things, just for a little while.
"But I remember you"
And to help me forget that I HAD to grow up as a perfect straight A student and dress 'properly', and say 'please ad 'thank you' when Auntie, Uncle and putridly sweet, crawling, slimy little cousins dropped round for tea. Just to let me be somebody else, and feel somewhere else. To not be forced into this tight, constricting little life day after day.
"I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you"
Now, it just cut into me. I HAVE to do it. I HAVE to play, and then I have to write. It took up my waking hours. If I couldn't, I'd get moody, bad tempered- scream. Nothing else mattered. Not family. Not friends. When anyone called on the phone, I'd pretend to be ill or in the shower. I began to skip school- forcing myself to be sick, doing the most degrading things so that I could just have one... more… minute with HIM. With Raziel.
"But who can decide what they dream?
And dream I do…"
I couldn't stop thinking about him. I couldn't sleep, I just wanted to visualise what it would be like if we met. I sat in class after class, just screaming, begging mentally for him to drop through the ceiling and look at me… and take me away somewhere else with him.
It was driving me insane.
"I believe in you,
I'll give up everything just to find you,
I have to be with you,
To live,
To breathe,
You taking over me"
And then I began to take it seriously, actually BELIEVE it had happened. I drew up the most accurate map of Nosgoth ever created an hunched up with a map, desperate to prove that it was real- it HAD happened… I knew it. I WANTED it.
"Have you forgotten all I know,
And all we had?"
And then Mum found out. It was terrible. There was screaming. The whole family thought that I was on drugs or something else TERRIBLE. They took my computer away… and my playstation.
They.. sent me to a psychiatrist, but I wouldn't speak. Week after week. It was like some form of insane torture. I was going insane. I NEEDED him… needed Raziel. They had taken him away from me and I just couldn't take that.
"You saw me mourning my love for you,
And touched my hand,
I knew you loved me then"
I wanted him. I wanted to be like him. Strong… Unbreakable.
I picked up a knife..
"I believe in you,
I'll give up everything just to find you,
I have to be with you,
To live,
To breathe,
You taking over me"
And lowered it to my wrists. Violent, slashing movements. Crimson- streaking across the bathroom tiles. I laughed and screamed, the two noises mixed into an incoherent wail of sick ecstasy.
And then I saw my face. Red and bloody, one eye bleeding terribly from the socket.
"I look in the mirror and see your face,
If I look deep enough,
So many things inside that are,
Just like you are taking over me"
I knew it then- in DEATH, my greatest possible release I would be with Raziel.
Forever.
….
..
……
..
Being a straight a student with a bunch of popular friends? Fuck that… this was me, lying naked and bleeding, on the floor under the illusion that I was destined to be with a computer game character…
__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
For all of the little kiddies out there- this is one of those 'Don't try this at home' scenarios. Don't flame me for this- I've known that it was going to come out sooner or later, whether or not I liked it. Yes, it is my choice to put this up on ffnet, so if you get my drift
REVIEW!
I'll give you any LoK character of your choice (genuine) to keep for the week complete with collar and leash!!! *smile*
This is a particularly meaningful piece which a friend of mine advised me to write and get it off my chest (probably because I was being more of a psycho than usual). It's basically about a kid who gets obsessed with Raziel (who else?). Nice and disturbing.
It isn't meant to be insightful, erfectly worded or brilliant, I'm just having a bash and seeing what strange things happen when you let lose your imagination on a worse case scenario!
Enough said-
TAKING OVER ME
So perhaps this had become a little bit of a habit. An obsession, maybe?
"You don't remember me"
I remember the first time- I'd only bought that game because I'd heard of it in a magazine and couldn't think of anything else. In all honestly, it feels pitiful now. I'd wanted something to keep me occupied. Soemthing (ANYTHING!!!) to tear me away from my giggling group of friends who called up to ask if I'd bought the newest hair product, or if they suited magenta. To take my mind off things, just for a little while.
"But I remember you"
And to help me forget that I HAD to grow up as a perfect straight A student and dress 'properly', and say 'please ad 'thank you' when Auntie, Uncle and putridly sweet, crawling, slimy little cousins dropped round for tea. Just to let me be somebody else, and feel somewhere else. To not be forced into this tight, constricting little life day after day.
"I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you"
Now, it just cut into me. I HAVE to do it. I HAVE to play, and then I have to write. It took up my waking hours. If I couldn't, I'd get moody, bad tempered- scream. Nothing else mattered. Not family. Not friends. When anyone called on the phone, I'd pretend to be ill or in the shower. I began to skip school- forcing myself to be sick, doing the most degrading things so that I could just have one... more… minute with HIM. With Raziel.
"But who can decide what they dream?
And dream I do…"
I couldn't stop thinking about him. I couldn't sleep, I just wanted to visualise what it would be like if we met. I sat in class after class, just screaming, begging mentally for him to drop through the ceiling and look at me… and take me away somewhere else with him.
It was driving me insane.
"I believe in you,
I'll give up everything just to find you,
I have to be with you,
To live,
To breathe,
You taking over me"
And then I began to take it seriously, actually BELIEVE it had happened. I drew up the most accurate map of Nosgoth ever created an hunched up with a map, desperate to prove that it was real- it HAD happened… I knew it. I WANTED it.
"Have you forgotten all I know,
And all we had?"
And then Mum found out. It was terrible. There was screaming. The whole family thought that I was on drugs or something else TERRIBLE. They took my computer away… and my playstation.
They.. sent me to a psychiatrist, but I wouldn't speak. Week after week. It was like some form of insane torture. I was going insane. I NEEDED him… needed Raziel. They had taken him away from me and I just couldn't take that.
"You saw me mourning my love for you,
And touched my hand,
I knew you loved me then"
I wanted him. I wanted to be like him. Strong… Unbreakable.
I picked up a knife..
"I believe in you,
I'll give up everything just to find you,
I have to be with you,
To live,
To breathe,
You taking over me"
And lowered it to my wrists. Violent, slashing movements. Crimson- streaking across the bathroom tiles. I laughed and screamed, the two noises mixed into an incoherent wail of sick ecstasy.
And then I saw my face. Red and bloody, one eye bleeding terribly from the socket.
"I look in the mirror and see your face,
If I look deep enough,
So many things inside that are,
Just like you are taking over me"
I knew it then- in DEATH, my greatest possible release I would be with Raziel.
Forever.
….
..
……
..
Being a straight a student with a bunch of popular friends? Fuck that… this was me, lying naked and bleeding, on the floor under the illusion that I was destined to be with a computer game character…
__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
For all of the little kiddies out there- this is one of those 'Don't try this at home' scenarios. Don't flame me for this- I've known that it was going to come out sooner or later, whether or not I liked it. Yes, it is my choice to put this up on ffnet, so if you get my drift
REVIEW!
I'll give you any LoK character of your choice (genuine) to keep for the week complete with collar and leash!!! *smile*