Lord of the Drug ring.
Summery: This story actually happened ten years before LotR was ever writen.
Authors: Dobby's cousin and Co-written by Stalin's cousin.
Chapter one: Gandalf and others
In the beginning there was a man named Gandalf, who was old and grumpy, and somewhat psychotic. He liked bashing little people, mostly hobbits as dwarfs actually fought back and hobbits just stood there (laughing). He had a 'whacking stick' which he called his mighty staff, it was mainly used for bashing and waving it in the air a threat to all bystanders. He also waved it at the person closest to him, while looking at them, stomping his feet and yelling in language no one understood.
One day he went to visit his friend to discuss his views on buggery in relation to political correctness - you have to be politically correct with such things as not to get sued. There was no freedom of speech in the country he lived in.
So Saruman sees Gandalf and goes to the top of the tower, Gandalf follows him.Saruman goes into the secret door with a troll guarding it. Gandalf wants to come in but the troll asks for password. "Silence infidel!" Gandalf exclaims. "Nay, the password is Saruman's Great" says the troll - "go in and try to remember it next time". Gandalf finds himself in a room with Saruman who is looking through a glass ball. When Saruman sees Gandalf he quickly covers the ball and and speaks -" Why are you here?" he asks "You keep wasting my precious, precious time you fool of a mook".
"So anyway" interrupts Gandalf "I came to sharpen my mighty staff". Saruman backs away slowly, but when he interprets it in a non homosexual way he replies "With my balls of steel?". "Darn right" says Gandalf presuming Saruman is flirting. Saruman says "Well you can't - they're being cleaned". "How did you take them out?" asks Gandalf. "It was quite simple but the process is too complex to explain" explains Saruman.
Gandalf stands frozen for a minute. Then he says "what do you guys want me here for?". "Shoo!" says Saruman. So Gandalf, who despises wasting time jumps out the window onto his pony. The pony is squashed. Gandalf goes back demanding another horse, blaming pony's death on Sarumans troll for letting him onto the roof. Saruman gives him an oliphant.
Gandalf jumps again but the oliphant is too smart for him so he moves to the side allowing Gandalf to land into the pile of its dung. Gandalf gets up and checks his boots - the air pockets have not lost their squeakiness. Gandalf's boots were highly customized to squeak as he walked allowing him to walk in morse code signalling his arrival. his boots could be heard from miles away.
So Gandalf then rode the oliphant to Rohan which he called the land of horseys and horsey man. He came into the town, demanding that somebody gives him a horse because he is Gandalf the Great and honorable. The horse salesman who Gandalf constantly abused verbally though when tried to assault the guy broke his staff in half, offered him to trade the oliphant for a three humped donkey which talked and was miniature. Gandalf regretfully accepted knowing that he is made for that kind of foolishness.
He rode the donkey into the Shire which he called Hobital Lands. He was sore as his knees were up to the lever of his neck so as to keep his feet off the ground, the donkey was so small. He was also deeply upset by the donkey's inability to march in morse code as well as deeply offended by the length of donkey's ears as well as the donkey constantly bagging him. Gandalf in term beat the donkey with his whacking stick and the donkey was trying to buck him off.
Soon they rode deeply into the shire where they were greeted by insults and stoning from locals who sure seemed happy to see them. Gandalf tried to bribe the hobbits with gifts but they seemed insulted by his verbal abuse and the porn he brought them. "You want to ruin our economy" they screamed "Don't you know our campaign - Buy domestic porn, buy your children a job"
When he rode onto the outskirts he saw an old hobbit dressed in disco style urinating in the river. Gandalf decided to wait before approaching but the hobbit seemed to take all day, so Gandalf set set camp. When he woke up in the morning he saw the hobbit just as he was finishing off, he saw a brick and chucked it at him. "Hey I'm busy "he yelled" - what's wrong with you! Don't people have any respect for elders now day! Back in my days when I was in Vietnam we had respect, so I urge you all to repact our natural recourses to make sure they're there for future use". "Aaaa shut up!" said Gandalf " I wanna talk to you".
Bilbo then says "Its been so long since I seen a human being, who are you and why are you in this god forsaken place". "I am recruiting" lied Gandalf resisting the urge to kick Bilbo in the head while swinging his whacking stick at Bilbo's head level. "Bilbo, I introduce myself - who are you?" asked Bilbo. "Boris" lied Gandalf. "Ah, time for another shipment, I almost forgot - good you reminded me".
Bilbo starts running. The old man runs slowly so that Gandalf or Boris as he was now known could follow him while draggind his donkey which kept abusing him and wouldn't move its legs. Bilbo sat down 20 paces from where they left huffing and and yelling "I can't go on, you must continue the journey by yourself young jedi, give me water, I want a drink". Gandalf gets him a drink from the river. Bilbo drinks and screams "Somebody's poisoned the waterhole!" and "You must find Frodo, you and monkey man must go on!" and kept abusing the hobbit called Frodo who was blamed on all his problems. Then his heart stopped and Gandalf took his wallet. He found money - now he can afford food!
He went forward while chasing his donkey who was unusually abusing, even for itself. Then he saw a hobbit in the bushes. Regretting that he did not 'whack' Bilbo, he decided to make good on the next hobbit. So he inconspicuously (while whistling) came close to the Hobbit and with one swift move whacked him in the head with the stick while verbally abusing him. The hobbit ran, the donkey with all Gandalf's supplies ran in the other direction, so Gandalf followed the hobbit while he praised god for disposing him of useless junk.
The hobbit ran into a burrow with meter thick solid steel doors like those of a safe. So Gandalf smashed all the windows in his pit of rage. Frodo came out wielding a machete and screamed at Gandalf the he owes him for the windows. Gandalf used that as an opportunity to hit him in the groin reign and ran into the house while Frodo was in pain. He locked the door from the inside but Frodo locked them from the outside so that Gandalf couldn't get out.