Chapter two: Negotiation and discovery

Gandalf was trapped in the house. He began pacing in Morse code signaling "I demand unconditional surrender". He tried ramming the door but it just hurt his shoulder. Then he used his mighty staff and almost broke it. He poked it out of the windows but that had no effect. So he decided that he was sent by god to this godforsaken place to lead the way to victory. He firstly, needed to know what to do. So he went inside the burrow, when he realized that the door was open but went in anyway.

There were few items of furniture in the house - it was just long corridors of empty rooms. Over the fireplace he saw a picture of himself. The hobbit is an admirer, thought Gandalf. He came and looked at the picture closely and the Gandalf in the picture looked at him. Gandalf then ran, into the vast corridors of the underground. He descended into the lowest level and opened the last door. Inside were boxes labeled diplomatic mail and contained some strange type of plant. Gandalf not being picky - started smoking it.

Frodo, when he realised that he could not get Gandalf out of his house by himself, went to find his friend and trusty minion Samwise Gamgee commonly known as Neanderthal for his hairiness, huge club, lack of hygiene, and mental impairment which prevented him from speaking properly and made him very very angry. Neanderthal got to the door and whacked it with his club. Sam was sure primitive. He smashed the door, threw his glove on the floor and yelled "FOOD!!!".

Frodo went to his fridge and threw a massive steak at the Giant's feet, Sam picked it up and took a bite out of it. Frodo then decided to have lunch, he did not like others eating when he wasn't., as a result he could barely get on a pony. He opened his fridge again to find a magical watermelon, the seeds of which were live cockroaches which ran out when the watermelon was halved. Roaches ran out and Sam picked up his club and chased them all around the kitchen. Of course Frodo could just buy seedless watermelons, but he presumed they were not natural.

"Back to work" commanded Frodo and the two left looking for Gandalf. While walking Frodo was curetting the history of his estate and Sam was nodding, though to him, Frodo spoke a completely different language. In the storage room number 435, know for its vast stockpiles of narcotics, they found Gandalf sleeping in a paddle of his own filth. "Bash his head in" Sam recommended.

Gandalf awoke and hid behind the boxes. The Neanderthal was too big to get through so he smashed the boxes. Frodo yelled at him for smashing the boxes. Sam hit him on top of his head with his club, Frodo sank ankle high into the ground. At which point they heard a riot outside.

"Death to the Baggins Clan" Frodo could count hundreds of different voices. "Come out Baggins" someone yelled "It is time for revolution! Come out and you will be executed. Long live Smuglin' Meriodoc and Pimpin' Pippin our new Government". Frodo remembered there was a back door so he grabbed a box of cocaine and told Sam to do the same. Then they ran. They also detonated the corridor so no one can get to their drugs. They ran out the back door and into the forest.

In the forest Frodo put his box down and to his horror saw that Sam carried Gandalf out instead of the box. "YOU USELESS WASTE OF A PILE OF DUNG, I TOLD WHAT TO TAKE - NOT HIM, I DON'T WANT HIM, I DON'T LIKE HIM, HE'S AN ARSEHOLE!!!!" Having said that he was knocked of his feet by Sam's trusty club, Sam hated when people told him off.

Frodo awoke because someone had bitten of his leg. He saw Sam and Gandalf sitting by the fire eating it. So was leprechaun called George and five elves. Frodo joined them demanding that they buy him a new leg. He was then smacked in the head by one of the elves "DO NOT DISRUPT MY MEAL YOU LITTLE MAN, FOR I AM THE BEST!!!" he said that with full assurance. Another elf got up and screamed "take it back you worthless pile of skin and bones!". "But he is little," the other elf argued. "I mean the second part - you are not the best, I am!". The other elf got up and rose his sword and all other elves did the same.

Our three companions crawled away from the fight in which George was a part of. Frodo ended up getting his leg back as they had enough meat from the elves, he spent the night sewing it back on. Good thing they took his wooden leg.

Gandalf then suggested selling the cocaine in Rivendell which was the capital of Elvish Empire to which by the way, the Shire swore allegiance to. On the way they met a gang of evil spirits who sensed the drugs. So Sam had to chase them off with his club. They eventually got into the town where the first thing Frodo wanted to do is to complain to the Mafia council.

They entered the Headquarters from the Ghetto entrance which was ironically, most of the city. Once there they called an emergency meeting with the Godfather. Letters were sent to all corners of the empire to bring mafia bosses for a meeting.

Many came to the meeting. They were Aragorn - the famed smuggler, Boromir - ally in the west head importer and producer, Legolas - head pimp, Gimli - dwarf senator, and commander of the naval fleet, and the mightiest of all Emperor Elrond - ruler of the Elfish Empire and head of all mafia cartels in the area. And to Frodo's horror Mary or Mario as he preffered to be called and Pimpin' Pippin were also there.

"I have called ziz meeting az to adrezz thiz ... probblem we are facing, the rate of decline of uze within our clientele - pricez for our productz are the lowezt in decadez and peoplez atre relotingz againzt our powerz, we muzd act immidiatelyz for the bezt rezult every day". read Elrond from his parchment.

Aragorn stood up "What his majesty is trying to explain is that we are loosing strategic leadership and something must be done about it".

"Stuff this!" Frodo stood up holding his box up "Who wants to buy?". No one answered. "This is exactly what his majesty is talking about!" said Aragorn "no has money to buy because they can't sell!". "Waht tho you suggeht?" asked the dwarf. "Wait" said Aragorn "His majesty has devised a plan of action.". Everyone looked at the emperor - "Wazz up?" he asked. Aragorn whispered something to him and Elrond started talking.

"In orderz to bring back ourz market share we muzd advertize on daytimez TV. Likez on playzkool" then Elrond started singing the play school tune. "Stick to the plan" hissed Aragorn. "We haz recognized ze problem" started Elrond "it iz the people of Mordor with their banz on narcoticz that their beleivz are spreading towardz uz, we needz to tranzport drugz to therez and zell zem. Therez iz big problem - I uzed up all drug shipmentz lazt night - we havez no drugz."

Everyone looked at Frodo, "Are you up to the job - Frodo" asked Aragorn "we will help you deliver the shipment to Mordor and if successful - restore your trafficking rights." Mario and Pimpin' disagreed and took out their swords. Aragorn took out his swords and said "I will make sure! You will not harm Frodo and his Posey". Mario then says "we will go with them so that if they betray you we will execute them". "Good Idea!" said Legolas "You will have my bow, dawg!". "And my axe" screamed Gimli waving an axe bigger the him. "I will superwise" said Aragorn.

So they took food, drink, drugs and Gandalf's donkey which was found laughing uncontrollably in the bushes and left.

The journey has began.