Disclaimer (coz I forgot to add one at the first chapter): We don't own half the humor in this fanfic.
Chapter three: Drugs are bad, Mkay.
The moronship left Rivendell late the next day. Frodo was having a very hard time by the fact that Gandalf was trying to cannibalize him and Neanderthal. He was pissed off by the number of morons that he had to travel with, so he complained constantly about them and so they tied him to a tree and threw rocks at his head. As they walked away from Rivendell, people threw rocks at them and yelled swear words at them. Gandalf was rather annoyed so he tried to verbally abuse the elves but Legolas found this offensive and shot an arrow at Gandalf's butt.
Gandalf ran around screaming and abusing elves, so another arrow went into Gandalf's butt. When they left Rivendell they decided to camp. Boromir, being a former boy scout chopped some wood and put it into a pile ready to light. But Gandalf sat on the pile and would not move. Furthermore when people tried to light it under Gandalf, he would stomp the blaze in his squeaky shoes. Then Pimpin' began playing guitar to which Mario said "You can't play guitar, okay.". So everything was going smoothly until a woman appeared and punched Legolas on the back of the head.
She was Arwen and thought Aragorn was getting gay with Legolas. She then bashed Gandalf, who laughed at her. Sam hit her with the club so she flew over the city wall, back into Rivendell. Next morning, or afternoon as it may be, the party moved off. Gandalf left first, and the rest decided to follow him as no one has been further then Rivendell before. The donkey gave Gandalf away by swearing continually and loudly. It still took a while to hunt him down because Frodo insisted on being carried and Legolas complained that he was too sick to go on, though he didn't look sick - rather he could not be bothered.
When they caught up, Sam whacked Gandalf with the club and screamed in gibberish. Legolas tried to calm him down but he got hit as well. At this moment Pimpin' caught up with them and everyone realised - they left the drugs behind. Then they decided what to do, Legolas decided to go home, Aragorn decided to bash Legolas since he was supposed to be carrying the drugs, Mario and Pimpin' decided to slaughter Frodo and the donkey, Gandalf recovered from the hit and went to sleep, Gimli decided to go home with Legolas, Sam never decided anything since he only had 4 hours to think.
Arwen then appeared on the top of the tree and dropped the box of drugs on the sleeping Gandalf. "What's this disaster!!!" he yelled as he was squashed. Legolas then threw a rock at Arwen as he wanted to go home. Arwen then showcased fabulous athletic ability and leaped off the tree and into the Rivendell. It was found that Gandalf was chasing his donkey around the city walls.
Next day they left at Dawn as the donkey didn't let anyone sleep with its hysterical laughing. They smoked some marijuana that Aragorn had in his pocket and walked 72 hours non stop without speaking . When the effects worn off they discovered that they are next to a hill with the entrance to the mining complex, whole 3 miles from Rivendell.
They first decided to walk over the mountain but the Hobbits protested - "Its cold up there, and I have no coat." said Mario, "Its windy up there, I don't want to get blown away" said Pimpin', "I don't wanna die!!!" said Frodo. "Elf - crap!!!" said Gimli. "Gnome - crap!!" said Legolas. "Morons" said Aragorn for which he received a clubbing from Sam. At this point in time Gandalf was trying to open the door to the mines and the donkey was laughing at his failed efforts. "Must be locked" concluded Gandalf.
Aragorn read a clue on how to open the door, it said elves speak out of their anus. "Old dwarf beleif" said Gimli with respect. Frodo figured it out "it's a riddle" he said. "No shit Sherlock" replied Aragorn - "now you're so smart - solve it" Frodo looked at the riddle and turned to Legolas and asked "Whats the elvish phrase for I'm an arsehole". "Fuck you" said Legolas and stabbed Frodo, lucky he was wearing knight armor (women's lingerie underneath of course). Then he asked Gandalf that who said "You shouldn't ask questions you don't know the answer to". They camped outside the door for two months and supplies were running low even though they were ordering stuff over the phone from Rivendell.
Then Frodo found a large sign in the middle of the door saying 'pull', he realised that all that time they were pushing the door and nobody read signs. So he opened the door and found another door, and another, and another and then they came to the bridge of "Khazar Doom" which claimed the lives of many dwarfs who didn't look where they were going in the past.
They were halfway across when Arwen appeared and followed them across. "Stall that annoying woman" commanded Aragorn. Gandalf stopped and dug his spiked iron boots into the bridge - "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!" he screamed. Arwen pushed him hard, and the spikes of his boots caused the middle of the bridge to collapse and they fell into the water. The reason those dwarfs died was that they couldn't swim.
"Should we wait for him to come out?" asked Boromir. "No way! Lets run!" replied Aragorn and they came out of the hill. And the wind blew into their hair and Pimpin's pimpin' hat was blown off as well as Legolas' wig and Aragorn's beard and moustache, but he commanded "we are taking heavy losses, but that my friends, is the reason to continue on with our quest for for greatness for there is no better leader in then the world then me - Lord Aragorn, self proclaimed god and Ruler of the universe." Then he realised everyone ran in different directions so he stopped thinking of who to chase.
When everyone was assembled Legolas receives an angry phone call from Gandalf who came out on the other side of the hill and marched into a gay bar, he was asking Legolas on how to behave. He also said that he discovered that Arwen was actually a man - but of course we all knew that.