Chapter four: Gangsta Elves and River Cruise
The moronship assembled near Lothlorien (commonly know for it's vast production of a narcotic called Lembas). They had gone a few paces into the forest when they heard a voice "morons, morons" it whispered. Legolas couldn't stand it and threw a rock at where the voice came from "Ow! FUCK YOU!" The voice screamed and an elf fell out of the tree. He was Haldir. "Wazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz up!" yelled Legolas. "Wazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz up!" yelled Haldir. "Yo, my homie wad up dawg" said Haldir. (translation- hello, my friend. How are you?)
"I'm trippin, man. These cats won't let me bounce" said Legolas (translation- I'm freaking out, these people will not let me leave). "Thats not cool man" Haldir replied (translation- that is very bad). Frodo, who believed that all said was insults drew his sword. Aragorn, smacked him on the back of his head. Sam then swung his massive club around causing Mario and Pimpin' to fly several paces from where they stood. Boromir did not take note, as he was too high. Gimli looked at Gandalf, who commented - "What the hell are you looking at?".
Mario and Pimpin' came back to the moronship, drenched in putrid slime from the swamp they landed in. "Hose them down!!!" yelled Gandalf and had to be restained as he was trying to piss on them. Sam shook his club at him. Gimli decided to cut down firewood so he started rotating quickly with his axe outstretched. "My men need more morale" said Boromir and collapsed which was good because at that moment Gimli lost the grip on his axe and it flew inches above Boromir's head. Gimli then went looking for his axe which he could not find as dwarfs could only see in the dark.
Haldir remembered that he was supposed to bring them to the Lord Celborn and Lady Galadriel, but since he didn't like them he bluntly refused to follow orders and for that was exiled into the forest - to guard it and he was chained to a tree so he won't run off. He picked up a rock and with his elfish eyesight he chucked it at Galadriel, it hit her square in between her eyes. "Boya!" he screamed, in Frodo's ear. "Arsehole!!" answered Frodo and Sam hit him.
A search party came in order to bash Haldir and the moronship. The people were brought before the High Court of Lothlorien presided over by Lord Celborn. "Would all rise for the honorable Lord Celborn, Duke of Lothlorien, Field Marshal of the Bush Fire brigade, Supreme Commader of the Non Violent Forces of the Forest of Darkness, Chief Lunatic of this asylum and Chief Justice of the dispute tribunal". An old gnome walked in picking his nose. "Sit the fuck down!!!" - he shouted, "who the hell comes here on a weekend, I'm not meant to be working, stop committing crimes" then turned to the guard captain and said "execute those men, ... waste my precious time." and walked out.
The captain laughed and said, "I would gladly execute you, under the old fart's orders, but we have no ammunition, so you have to get out of here and die by yourselves as there is no return from where you are heading, for I am the lord thy god and I give thine my mercy, under the name of Emperor Elrond - the moron he is, and under the name of former Chief Justice, whoever he might have been, for today is the day of celebration, as today is pay day, and all that is good in the world..."
The moronship walked out in the middle of his speech and camped outside the courthouse. Frodo saw a wishing well and he wished to one day come back here. So he stole a coin of Pimpin' and tossed it in, the well showed a picture, of Hobits running free in the shire and factories, of the industries illegal in other countries on which the Shire's economy was based on were closed and police line was drawn around Frodo's Mansion saying seized property. Then it showed Sam and the other hobbits taking him to the police station and kicking him. Frodo, in his calm stupor commented "What the bloody hell?"
A woman was standing behind him, "I saw it too" she said. "But what does this vision represent?" asked Frodo"What does it mean in other words?" - Frodo always considered himself a lot smarter then everyone else because he only hang out with Sam. "I know what it means" she said - "Do You?". "You darn right I do" lied Frodo. "You sir, are the most pathetic liar I have met in the many yearsI roamed these plains". "What does it mean then?" asked Frodo. "Well my miniature bag of glutton, It basically means you are stuffed unless you make the delivery to Mordor." "I knew that" said Frodo, "I was just testing you.". At this point the woman kicked Frodo in the groin and walked of with this words "Stupid arsehole..."
Legolas picked Frodo up, said "That was lady Galadriel, dawg." and threw Frodo into the air and in a kung fu move kicked him into Gandalf as Frodo was falling. Then he went into the tent with Boromir singing "In the Navy". Boromir kicked him out in another superb kung fu move. Frodo went to sleep.
He woke up early in the morning in the paddle of his own filth, and found himself alone in the middle of the square. He saw everybody leave so he followed them. When they saw him, they ran for the hills, Frodo followed them. They ran through the forest, Frodo followed them. They saw boats and stole them from an old elf yelling in old elfish. Frodo saw a speed boat and stole that. He overtook the others and splashed them, he yelled at them and they yelled at him. They eventually got to land, where they found an encampment of orcs. Aragorn, who knew the orc leader, came into the camp with precious drugs - though demand was great, the orcs were very poor, so they could not afford to buy many, only about $1000 worth was sold.
They also the donkey eating orcish supplies and contaminating their waterhole. They followed that brave example. In the next week - all supplies were gone so they started eating orcs, orcs surprisingly, didn't like that very much and all ran away. They decided that must leave but they did not want to go hungry, so they drew straws on who would be eaten, and Boromir - was eaten. "Food for thought" commented Frodo "Boromir tastes like fish, so lets put the bones on a boat and sail it down the river". Everyone agreed. Then they tried to push Gandalf on the boat as they did not like his constant abuse. That was too much, even coming from an insane wisard.
Then they saw elfish boats approaching as the boats they stole were very valuable. So Frodo and Sam, decided that the elves should have the satisfaction of killing the others, put holes in all boats except one, and sailed to another shore, where Sam carried Frodo to the top of the mountain and then threw him to the bottom, ran down to catch him, but obviously he was too late and Frodo was cursing him repeatedly.
The others saw the boats and ran into the land of horseys and horsey men.