the Data Horror Holoimage Show.
I don't own the Star Trek people. I don't own the RHPS people. I most
likely don't own anything else that might happen to slip in/be mentioned
during this fic. But I do own my artistic integrity. So if you want it, act
now, 'cause it's goin' cheap!
And yeah, I know this isn't the way the Omicron Theta thing happened, and
Tasha shouldn't be there and neither should Chekov. I don't really know why
he's there, but it's my fic and I wanted it this way, so just pretend like
it did for a little while. And yes, I am aware just how very messed up this
is.
The cast:
Dr. Frank N Furter- Dr. Noonian Soong (A Cybernetacist)
Brad- Ensign Pavel Chekov (a Starfleet officer)
Janet- Lieutenant Tasha Yar (another Starfleet officer)
Columbia- Juliana O'Donnel Soong Tainer (Soon's ex wife)
Magenta- The Crystaline Entity [we'll call her Chrissy for short] (an
assistant)
Riff Raff- Lore (a trouble maker)
Rocky- Data (Dr. Soong's creation)
Eddy- B4 [If you don't know who this is, ask someone who's seen Nemesis] (a
prototype)
Dr. Scott- Commander Bruce Maddox (a rival cybernetacist)
Criminologist- Ira Graves (the narrator)
(As our story opens we see the vast emptiness of space which is slowly
filled up by a set of lips. Musical cue.)
Down on Crazy Omicron Theta (Science Fiction, Double Feature)
Lips: Doctor Daystrom was ill from eating syntho-swill
But he told us where we stand.
Robert April was there and damn near everywhere,
and Pike is living in a tin can.
Then somthing went wrong planetside Omicron
All the farmers were in a tight jam.
Then at a deadly pace they flew through
Outer space,
And this is where the colonists ran,
Down to,
Omicron Theta,
Agro planet,
Doctor S will
Thoroughly damn it,
See Noonie work on
Sentient beings
Create them to function,
Ya get my meaning?
Whoa whoa whoa whoaaaa whoa
Down on crazy,
Omicron Theta
Doncha know?
Everybody thought Soong was some kind of bafoon
When he theorized positron brains,
But he really was hot and he built quite a lot
Even though some were slightly deranged.
Juliana said "Soong, you're kind of a goon
Spending all of your time in the lab."
But when neurons collide said Noonian to his bride,
"I'm gonna work on, this ain't just some fad"
Down on,
Omicron Theta,
Agro planet,
Doctor S will
Thoroughly damn it,
See Noonie work on
Sentient beings
Create them to function,
Ya get my meaning?
Whoa whoa whoa whoaaaa whoa
Down on crazy,
Omicron Theta
Doncha know?
I wanna go oh oh
Down to crazy
Omicron Theta
Doncha know?
Where farmers grow oh oh
Down on crazy
Omicron Theta
Doncha know?
It's quite a show oh oh
Down on crazy
Omicron Theta
Doncha know?
(the lips fade back into space and we see the bustling activity of a deep
space station. It appears to be in a rather bad state. The Romulans have
just taken over and are systematically chucking the Federation crew out. In
the melee we see Ensign Pavel Chekov and Lieutenant Tasha Yar.)
Yar: Oh Pavel, isn't this completely ridiculous? Didn't the Romulans look
remarkably stupid with those uniforms? I can't believe a few millenia ago
they were part of the Vulcan people, and now...now they're a bunch of Space
Thugs.
Chekov: Yes Tasha, the Romulans are certainly a pain in the ass.
Yar: Yes.
Chekov: Everyone knows it's just sour grapes because Surak's team beat
theirs at football.
Yar: Yeah.
Chekov: Why, the Senate themselves. They couldn't win a football match with
the Pakleds!
Yar: No kidding.
Chekov: Hey Tasha?
Yar: Yes Pavel?
Chekov: I've got something to say.
Yar: Huh?
Chekov: I really love the....skillful way. You wailed on those Romulans in
the cargo bay.
Yar: (proud of herself and a little flustered) Oh, Pavel.
(musical cue.)
By Russia, Tasha (Dammit, Janet)
Chekov: The Romulans heads you did crush-a [Tasha]
It gave me a really big rush-a [Tasha]
So please do not give me the brush-a [Tasha]
I've one thing to say and that's
By Russia
Tasha
You are cool!
Oh I saw how their faces did flush-a [Tasha]
When you phasered them all into mush-a [Tasha]
And I can just feel myself blush-a [Tasha]
When I say to you that
By Russia
Tasha
You are cool!
Here's a shuttlecraft we can escape in!
Can't speak for you, but I know,
Romulans are nasty with their pris'ners
Oh, T-A-S-H-A come on let's go!
Yar: Did you see how I made them all grovel! [Pavel]
When I bashed in their heads with that shoval [Pavel]
And I bet that it made them see dobble* [Pavel] (*double. creative
liscence)
And all I can say is
Those Roms
weren't bombs,
Man they blew.
Oh Pavel...
Chekov: Oh Tasha....
Yar: They'd grovel.
Chekov: For the love of Russia!
Yar: Let me fight!
Chekov: I don't think you're right.
Yar/Chekov: I will not/ Let us go run off into the night!
Chekov: Let's just hop in the shuttle and dash-a [Tasha]
I will pilot and I will not crash-a [Tasha]
I am scared and please don't at me lash-a [Tasha]
So please let us go, you know
By Russia
Tasha
let us move!
By Russia
Tasha
Yar: Those Roms
Ain't bombs
Chekov: By Russia
Tasha
Both: (Tasha finally giving in) Let us move....
(they get into the shuttle and haul ass outta there. We now cut to some old
fart sitting at a computer terminal)
Ira: I would like, if I may. Well, it isn't like you have a choice,
anyhow....To take you on a strange journey. No no no! Figuratively, boy!
Figurativey! Sit down! It seemed a fairly ordinary Romulan invasion when
Ensign Pavel Chekov and Lieutenant Tasha Yar....well if she sin't a fine
specimen of womanhood....left Starbase Richard O'Brien that late stardate
to go warn the Federation of what had happened. It's true that there were
subspace distortions in the area. Erractic, powerful, dangerous, in the
sector through which they were travelling. It's true also that the
instruments on their shuttlecraft were badly in need of some tuning. But,
they being Starfleet officers, they weren't about turn around and get
captured by Romulans while fixing it! During their escape....It was an
escape that they were going to remember....for a very long time.
(cut to shuttlecraft.)
Yar: Geez, that's the third spatial anomoly I've registered. Sure does make
me nervous, what with the subspace activity that's been reported recently.
Chekov: Yes, time/space is pretty cheap to those distortions!
(There is a loud WHOOSH. All the power goes out for a second and when it
comes back on they aren't where they started, and minus subspace radio and
most of the propulsion.)
Yar: What was that WHOOSH?
Chekov: A vormhole. Dammit! I knew I should havde taken that left turn at
Albequerquie III.
Yar: Well, what do we do?
Chekov: My scanners are picking up a planet a fwe parsecs back. Perhaps
they have a subspace signal we can use.
(they slowly pilot the shuttle to the planet. Omicron Theta. as they
approach an air of forboding surrounds them. They land nearby a large
cybernetics laboratory, that kinda resembles a castle. musical cue.)
Over at Ol' Often-Wrong's Place (Over at the Frankenstien Place)
Yar: In the creepy darkness,
Of all alien lands,
Pulsing bright,
There are guiding scans
No matter if there is snow or sands
Chekov and Yar: There's a blip! [Over at Ol' Often-Wrong's place]
There's a blip [Showing there's a sentient race]
There's a blip, a blip,
That my scans show
Man this is quite a trip.
Lore: (looking out one of the windows) The blip it must show ev'ry lifeform
you are reading
But does it know? Does it show, that you'll be screaming by this time
tonight!
This time tonight!
Chekov and Yar: There's a blip! [Over at Ol' Often-Wrong's place]
There's a blip [Showing there's a sentient race]
There's a blip, a blip,
That my scans show
Man this is quite a trip.
(And we're back with Ira Graves to get the scoop on what's going on)
Ira: It seemed that Fortune had smiled on Pavel and Tasha, and that they
had found the assistance that their plight required....or had they? Me, I
don't think so.
(cut back to Soong's lab. Lore has answered the door.)
Lore: Yeah? What the hell do you want?
Chekov: I am Ensgin Chekov and this is my comrade-er, I mean, my fellow
officer Lieutenant Yar. We were wondering if you had a subspace radio we
could use?
Lore: (scowls) You're wearing uniforms.
Yar: Yes, we're Starfleet.
Lore: Hm. I think you'd better both come inside.
(Chekov and Tasha step inside. The place is a little reminiscent of the
decor if Salvador Dali moved in with Albert Einstein. We can also hear the
gentle murmer of some kind of fesitve gathering in the background)
Lore: C'mon. Move it. I don't have all day ya know.
Yar: Are you having a party?
Lore: You've arrived on a rather special night. It's one of Often-Wrong's
to-dos.
Yar: Lucky him.
Chrissy: (floating down the staircase) He's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all
lucky! HAHAHAHA.
Chekov: Um. Aren't we lucky too?
Chrissy: If you were lucky would you be here?
Chekov: Good point.
(musical cue.)
Transwarp (Time Warp)
Lore: It's astounding
Warp propulsion
Moving
Through subspace.
But listen closely.
Chrissy: Not for very much longer.
Lore: You can't hope to
Keep my pace!
I remember
Going to transwarp
Speeding
Throughout space
But then I got stuck here
Lore and Chrissy: On this stupid planet
ALL: Let's go to transwarp again!
Let's go to transwarp again!
(cut to Ira)
Ira: To hell with this! I'm old. I don't have to do no damn dances!
(back to Soong's lab, Lore shooting a murderous look off camera)
Lore: And then throttle the pest! (makes throttling motion)
(cut back to Ira)
Ira: You are making me pissed
(back to Soong's lab)
ALL: (making obscene gesture off camera) Old man, surely you jest!
But it's that we're being bossed
That really drives us insane!
Let's go to transwarp again!
Let's go to transwarp again!
Chrissy: It's so speedy
And you're moving so freely
So fast you can't see me, no not at all.
Almost another dimension
A getaway's the intention,
Somewhere well secluded
Unseen by all!
Lore: With just a thumbnail flip
Chrissy: We're beamed to the transwarp ship!
Lore: And nothing will ever be the same.
Chrissy: It's a thrilling sensation!
Lore: Better than a vacation!
ALL: Let's go to transwarp again!
Let's go to transwarp again!
Juliana: Well I was cruisin' through the quad
just a havin' a think
When I suddenly saw Lore
and oh my heart did sink!
It shook-a me up
And took me by surprise
He had hotwired the truck
A trick of no small size!
I brought him home
And then I knew the change
We couldn't leave this planet!
Never would again!
ALL: Let's go to transwarp again!
Let's go to transwarp again!
(cut to Ira)
Ira: Not doin' the damn dance!
(cut back to Soong's)
ALL: And then we throttle the pest (make throttling gesture)
(back to Ira)
Ira: You are making me pissed!
(back to Soong's)
ALL: (making obscene gesture off camera) Old man, surely you jest!
But it's that we're being bossed
That really drives us insane!
Let's go to transwarp again!
Let's go to transwarp again!
(everyone falls over for no real apparent reason and Tasha and Chekov are
left staring at them a little bit freaked out)
Yar: Say something!
Chekov: Say! (everyone looks at him) Did you know transwarp was a Russian
inwention? (everyone groans)
Yar: C'mon let's just go.
Chekov: But we haven't even gotten to use the radio yet!
Yar: But everyone seems demented here.
Chekov: It's just a party, Tasha.
Yar: Well I wanna go!
Chekov: We can't go anywhere until we find a subspace radio.
Yar: Then ask that snowflake or someone!
Chekov: Just a moment, Tasha. We don't want to interfere in their
celebration.
Yar: This isn't an Admiral's Banquet, Pavel.
Chekov: They're probably just aliens with customs no less valid than our
own. They may do some more folk dancing.
Yar: Look, this is stupid, I'm tired, and I'm just plain irritated!
Chekov: I'm here. There is nothing to worry about.
(A turbolift opens behind them, and out steps Dr. Soong. Use your own
imagination as to what he's wearing because I don't want to get tomatoes
thrown at me for blatently putting Noonie in drag, unless you like that
kind of thing. musical cue.)
Cybernetacist (Sweet Transvestite)
Soong: How'd you do I,
See you've met my
Obnoxious
Son named Lore,
He's just a
Little brought down because
When you knocked,
He thought you were some kind of whore.
Don't get strung out
By the way I act,
Don't you even worry,
You may not think that I
Am a very normal guy
But then you should meet my friend Murray,
I'm just a
Cybernetacist
From Om Theta
Colony hehe
Let me show you around
Maybe play you a sound,
You look a little bit moody,
Or if you want something visual
That's not too abysmal
We could take in a holodeck movie.
Chekov: I'm glad you're hear, you know
We need a radio
And we're both in a bit of a hurry
We'll just tell them our ship
Entered a time rip
Then we'll be picked up,
Don't you worry.
Soong: So you were
Caught in wormhole?
Well, wouldn't you know
But I really wouldn't panic
We're all bright, have no fright
It'll all be all right,
It happens I'm an expert mechanic!
I'm just a
Cybernetacist
From Om Theta
Colony hehe
Why don't you stay for the night? [night]
Most of us don't bite [bite]
I could show you my favourite obsession
I've been making a 'droid
And I'm just overjoyed
So do I have your attention?
I'm just a
Cybernetacist
From Om Theta
Colony hehe
Hit it, hit it!
I'm just a
Cybernetacist [cybernetacist]
From Om Theta
Colony hehe
So
Step into my lab
See what's on the slab
I see you quiver with antici-
Pation
But that might be just Lore
Do try to ignore
He may be a creep
But he's not dangerous.
(the turbolift doors close)
(Lore and Chrissy takcle Chekov and Yar and swipe their uniforms, leaving
them in Starfleet issue underwear)
Juliana: Lore. What are you doing?
Lore: This isn't a Starfleet outpost. I'm offended by the uniforms.
Juliana: Oh. ok.
Chekov: (trying to intruduce himself while attempting to keep his uniform
on) Hello. I am Ensign Pavel Chekov, and this is my fellow officer
Lieutenant Tasha Yar. And you are...?
Juliana: You're very lucky to be invited into Noonie's lab. Not many people
even come into the house! (Juliana wanders off)
Lore: This way. (shoves Tasha and Chekov into the turbolift)
Yar: Um. Are you Soong's friends?
Lore: Often-Wrong doesn't have any friends. Nor do I think he ever will
have....We are simply his....family. (the lift doors open into Soong's lab)
Soong: (Addressing an audience of stuffed animals) Tonight! My esteemed
collegues. You are to witness another breakthrough in positronic research.
And immortality via my children is to be MINE! I remember discovering the
secret...that SPARK of sentience in life. It was
by....accident....(technobable technobable technobable) And this is the
night my newest android is destined to be born! Throw open the switches on
the sonic oscillator. And step up the reactor power input
3...more...points! (Lore runs around doing the grunt work. from the lab
table, Data sits up and looks around in slight confustion) Yes! YES! (Lore
is immediately jelous of his new little brother and starts chasing him with
several varied pointy and blunt objects. musical cue.)
Sword of Damocles (Sword of Damocles)
Data: The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.
And I have suppositions that my brother will be cutting the thread.
Oh. What a scene.
Of feelings I am quite clean.
And I see the glean
In Lores eyes as he throws some pretty big boulders.
I have woken and now I see my brother is filled with some dread
That I will be favoured and therefore he will be wanting me dead.
I look high and low
And am stuck with no place to go
I will feel the blow
From Lores hand when he throws some pretty big boulders
The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.
And I have suppositions that my brother will be cutting the thread.
Oh. What a scene.
Of feelings I am quite clean.
And I see the glean
In Lores eyes as he throws some pretty big boulders.
Soong: (stops Lore before he destroys Data.) Well really! That's no way to
behave on his first day out! But since you're my boy, I'm prepared to
forgive you. (Lore skulks off and Soong turns his attention to his newest
creation) Oh, I just love success!
Lore: Yeah, yeah. A credit to your genius.
Chrissy: A triumph of technology.
Juliana: Eh. A little bland isn't he?
Soong: Bland? BLAND?? Well I think we can do better than that! (hauls Data
over to meet Chekov and Yar) Well Pavel, Tasha. What do you think of him?
Yar: He seems nice.
Soong: He IS nice! He is programmed with the Jimminy Criket ethics
programme.
(musical cue.)
I Can Make You a 'Droid (I Can Make You a Man)
Soong: An android, weighing one hundred k.g.
Is a large paperweight,
And useless you see,
Except in my place
With my determined face
And the sweat from my pores
As I work for my cause,
I'll make him intellgent, and keen
And with sentience, and the possibility to dream,
He'll be cute, and quite lean
He'll be a white man
Oh my,
But a not-quite man
He'll need nutrients to function
Maybe from raw eggs
Try to build up his intellect, imbibe knowladge by the keg
Why reproduce like usual
Once you've met my boys?
'Cause in just seven months
I can make you a 'droid
He'll read Dante, and Shakespeare,
And Lord Byron, though he's a jerk
And he don't have to sleep
He could never cease to work
And strenulous living he won't have to avoid
'Cause in just seven months I can make you a 'droid
(Dr. Soong's joyous proclaimations are cut short by B4 wandering in from
storage)
What Ever Happened to Doing Things Right? (What Ever Happened to Saturday
Night?)
B4: What ever happened to doing things right?
When you worked on me and stayed up all night?
It don't seem the same since sentint's light
Came into my life
I thought I was unique!
You'd sit with me instead of a chick who'd go
We'd listen to Mozart on subspace radio
The tools were all hummin'
You were rarin' to go
We'd hang in the lab here
And realy have a good time
Goodness Gracious, don't you know?
Really wish I wasn't so damn slow.
Goodness Gracious, don't you know?
Really wish I wasn't so damn slow.
Goodness Gracious, don't you know?
Really wish I wasn't so damn slow.
Goodness Gracious, don't you know?
Really wish I wasn't so damn slow.
My head kinda looks like spaghetti inside
I'm just so sub standard I could have cried.
I had a cascade failure, you thought I'd died.
But turns out I was just fritzed and now I am fine
I get myself back here and come to the lab
And see some new creation right there on the slab
He's prolly smarter than me, but looks pretty drab
I feel pretty bad. Really this is such a crime!
Goodness Gracious, don't you know?
Really wish I wasn't so damn slow.
Goodness Gracious, don't you know?
Really wish I wasn't so damn slow.
Goodness Gracious, don't you know?
Really wish I wasn't so damn slow.
Goodness Gracious, don't you know?
Really wish I wasn't so damn slow.
(B4 shorts out and dies)
Soong: Looks like we had ourselves one from the vaults. (Data looks
confused) Don't be consfused. It was a short circut. He had a lot of
potential, but no programming.
(musical cue)
I Can Make You a 'Droid Reprise (Make You a Man Reprise)
Soong: But a high IQ and a neural net
You think he's good now?
You ain't seen nothing yet
Makes me wooo. Shake.
Prob'ly woulda gave Charles Darwin a 'rrhoid.
'Cause in just seven months
I can build you a 'droid!
I don't want a big meany
Just nice, sweet, and leany
Yar: I'm a nice guy fan!
Soong: In just seven months. I can build you a man!
(Dr. Soong takes Data into a school area to help him pass into sentience
and explain some basic human stuff)
(the shot returns to Ira)
Ira: There are those who say that life is an illusion, and that reality is
simply a figment of the imagination. These people are full of horse hockey!
This is as real as it gets people! Anyway, back to the story. The sudden
departure of Soong and his creation into the learning annex had left Chekov
and Yar feeling both apprehensive and uneasy. A feeling which grew as Lore
started to talk to them and they were shown to their separate rooms.
(cut to Yar's room)
Chekov: (slips into the room) Tasha! We have to get out of here!
Yar: No kidding these people are insane!
Chekov: Come on. I found a way out (tries to cop a cheap feel. ends up in a
half nelson and the Chekov wigs falls off to reveal Dr. Soong)
Yar: (gasp) YOU!
Soong: Yeah...um...sorry 'bout that. I'm lonely. You know how scientists
are....
Yar: OUT!
Soong: Yeah...I kinda thougts so. Points for effort though, right?
Yar: OUT OUT OUT!
Soong: (sneeking out) Yeah...Um...sorry again....
(cut to the learning annex. Data is studying various screens of
information. Lore and Chrissy wander in and try to deactivate him. Data
takes off running full speed, self-preservation modes engaged)
(cut to Chekov's bedroom)
Yar: (slipping in) Oh, Pavel! It's so unhealthy here
Chekov: It's all right. I am here.
Yar: (cuddles him) Oh, Pavel you're so strong and protective.
Chekov: (cuddles Yar until he discovers it's not Yar, but Juliana) AGH!
Juliana: Shh...Sorry. I'm just....Well, you know how it is, living with a
mad scientist. And you are a cute little guy! (tries to cop a cheap feel)
Chekov: No!
Juliana: Oh come on. Isn't it even slightly tempting?
Chekov: One question.
Juliana: Hm?
Chekov: Do you know Jim Kirk?
Juliana: No.
Chekov: Then give me some sugar baby!
(Chekov and Juliana get it on)
Lore: (appearing on com link) Hey mom. Data's running around the house when
he shouldn't be. I'm gonna go catch him. (attempts to hide large mallet
behind his back)
Juliana: (grumbles) Coming!
(cut to Yar's room. In the background we can hear Lore yelling and swearing
while he chases his brother)
Yar: (becomming increasingly annoyed) Where's Chekov. Where's anyone?
(wanders out of her room) If only the Romulans hadn't attacked. If only
that wormhole hadn't opened. If only we were on a starbase, or at least
with sane persons. (starts to wander around the lab. she finds a com link
that's been left on and sees Chekov and Juliana making hot jungle love and
almost vomits. She hears something behind her and sees Data hiding under
the lab table, there are several tears in his synthoskin) You poor darling.
Did Lore do this to you? (Data nods) Let me dress your wounds (she picks up
some of the lab tools and starts to work)
Ira: (voice over) "Emotion. Agitation or disturbance of mind. vehement or
excited mental state." It is also a powerful and irrational master.
Something that Data didn't have to worry about, but Yar did. And from what
Chrissy and Juliana eagerly viewed on their com link there was little doubt
that Yar was indeed it's bitch. luck damn android.
Chrissy and Juliana: (from somwhere else in the house) Tell us about it
Tasha.
(music cue.)
Toucha Toucha Toucha Touch Me (Toucha Toucha Toucha Touch Me)
Yar: I was feeling so scared,
I would never have dared....
I've hid from rape gangs since I was four
Juliana: You mean she...?
Chissy: sounds like
Yar: I thought there's no need to let
Some guy near me, but you bet
I think you're cute, and I'm wet
So what I want to know,
Is will you go?
I like you here and I want more
Juliana and Chrissy: More more more.
Yar: Please put up no resistance,
I know you'll stay the distance
I've got a need like pon farr
I need assistance
Toucha toucha toucha touch me
I wanna be dirty!
Access, thrill me, fulfill me
Data, you're so right!
And we'll see how it goes,
Well who knows,
I'll oil you up and rub you down,
Juliana and Chrissy: down down down
Yar: And that's just one small fraction
Of the main attraction
You need a human hand
And I need action!
Toucha toucha toucha touch me
I wanna be dirty!
Access, thrill me, fulfill me
Data, you're so right!
Juliana: (mimicking) Toucha toucha toucha touch me
Chrissy: I wanna be dirty!
Juliana: Access, thrill me, fulfill me
Chrissy: Data, you're so right!
Yar: Toucha toucha toucha touch me
I wanna be dirty!
Access, thrill me, fulfill me
Data, you're so right!
Data: Have I done it right?
Chekov: What the--this ain't right!
Soong: Data? (blanches) What a sight!
Chrissy: Data, you're so right!
Lore: Huh? Wha? I'M so right! (insulted by Chrissy's remark)
Juliana: Oh, my. That's not right....
Data: Have I done it right?
Yar: Data, you're so right!
(after this little escapade Soong enters from the turbolift dragging Lore
by the ear)
Soong: I thought I told you to keep an eye on your little brother?
Lore: I'm not my brother's keeper!
Chrissy: (on com link) Um, Dr. Soong. The scanner says there's a visitor.
Looks like Commander Maddox.
(Chekov wanders in looking disheveled but happy)
Chekov: Brucie?
Soong: Then you know this assho--I mean, this Commander?
Chekov: Yes. We were in the Academy together.
Soong: So, our meeting was not mere chance. You had an ulterior motive for
coming here.
Chekov: What? I told you what happened. With the Romulans and the
wormhole....
Soong: Yes, that's what you told me.
Chekov: But it is the truth!
Soong: Is it? You know Commander Maddox is in Starfleet.
Chekov: Yes, of course.
Soong: Then you must also know he works for your Daystrom Institute
persuing the field of study known as CYBERNETICS??
Chekov: I don't know. It's possible.
Soong: More than possible! You and that Lieutenant were sent on ahead to
scout out my lab.
Chekov: This is ridiculous!
Soong: Is it??
Chrissy: (on com link) Doctor. the intruder has entered the lab.
Soong: Then perhaps we should inquire of him IN PERSON. (pushes a button
and Maddox is beamed in)
Chekov: Brucie!
(Data pops up from behind some lab equiptment, as well as Yar. The only
thing they have on is a sheet wrapped around the two of them)
Maddox: Lt. Yar!
Yar: Commander!
Chekov: Tasha!
Yar: Pavel!
Soong: Data!
Data: (just kind of going along with everyone else's reaction) Doctor
Soong.
Maddox: Lt. Yar!
Yar: Commander!
Chekov: Tasha!
Yar: Pavel!
Soong: Data!
Data: Dr. Soong.
Soong: Data! How could you! I mean, with this space tramp!
Yar: Space tramp! Why I--
Chrissy: (wandering in and banging a gong) Doctor! Maintenance time!
Soong: Shall we adjourn to the other room? Under the circumstances, formal
attire is to be optional!
(scene change. the maintenance bay. Dr. Soong busilly replaces any damaged
or worn parts on Data or Lore)
Soong: So Commander Maddox, what brings you here.
Maddox: I came to see about the B4
Chekov: The B4? I've seen it. It was-- (Soong chucks a work tool at
Chekov's head)
Soong: How do you know about B4?
Maddox: I happen to know a great deal of things, you see B4 happens to be
my project! (Soong shoots Maddox a dirty look. Everyone else just looks
confused) I knew he was built by a bad crowd. But it was worse than I
thought. You don't treat them like machines.
Soong: They aren't machines, but please continue....
(music cue)
B4's Circuts (Eddy's Teddy)
Maddox: From the day B4 crashed
He was my project
His systems were hash
And his brain was fried
I tried in vain
Ira: (voice over) Maddox is an insufferable little pain.
Maddox: Finally I got him back online.
From the day he was back
All he wanted
Was input and know
and a lot of fact,
Learning this junk
Ira: (voice over) really irritated that little punk.
Maddox: Anyone could tell he wasn't fine.
Then B4 said
"My circuts need a check"
I knew he was a stupid machine
But I booted him back up
The stupid little f*ck
Soong: That was mean!
Yar: I feel green (doesn't look so good)
Maddox: Well I did!
Juliana: Everybody teased him
But it wasn't hard to please him
Just give him something shiny
And he would not be whiney
Why can't the other two be that way too?
Maddox: And soon he was drawn
To my workspace
And I could work
On his head in peace (shame on you, shame on you)
B4: (voice over) Get out of my head!
Oh hurry or you'll make me dead!
You musn't carry out your evil deed!
ALL:Then B4 said
"My circuts need a check"
He knew he was a stupid machine
But he booted him back up
The stupid little f*ck
Soong: That was mean!
Yar: I feel green.
Maddox: Well I did!
(Soong, angry at what happened to B4 smack a cupboard and B4 falls out in
pieces. It's obvious he's been using the extra parts for Lore and Data)
Lore: You've been filling us with reused substandard parts??
(Yar rushes over to comfort Data who doesn't really look upset. More
confused than anything.)
Soong: Get away from him, you interplanetary hussy! (chases Yar out of the
room. Lore and Chrissy laugh about it and then follow everyone else out to
see what's going on. musical cue.)
Lieutenant Yar (Janet Weiss)
Soong: You've done this once
And you've gone to far
Keep your mitts off him
Lieutenant Yar!
I bet you like backseats in cars
Keep your mitts off him
Lieutenant Yar!
He is not a toy
He is my little boy!
You're so nice-a
Like on Risa
I think you know what I mean.
You got a block?
I'll give you a marr
Keep your mitts off him
Lieutenant Yar!
The transducer will seduce ya
It's something you'll get used to
Kickin' your ass is gonna be nice!
Yar: My feet! I can't move my feet!
Maddox: I can't either!
Chekov: It's as f we're rooted to the spot!
Soong: You are! So shut up and let me deal with this before the temporary
insanity passes.
Yar: We're screwed.
Maddox: Obviously, loose legs.
Yar: Don't make me hurt you, pencil neck!
Maddox: This sonic transducer. I have no idea what it is.
Soong: I don't either. But now seems like a good time to find out.
Yar: (hopeful) You mean it might send us to another planet?
Soong: Planet Schmanet, hussie!
Keep you mits off him
Lieutenant Yar.
It's gone to far,
Yes way too far.
Ira: (voice over) And then she yelled
Yar: Leave me the hell alone!!
Soong: You were hot and flustered,
Did you even use mustard?
Chekov: You're a moron
And you don't know what you are doin'
Doctor Soong
(Soong zaps Chekov)
Maddox: You're a moron
And you don't know what you are doin'
Doctor Soong
(Soong zaps Maddox)
Yar: You're a moron
(Soong zaps Yar. and then zaps Data too for good measure.)
Soong: It's not easy being a parent. Even smiling makes my face ache.
Juliana: (storming in) What do you think you're doing? So they had a good
time, big deal? I've had enough. You. You're like a sponge, just take take
take and drain other of their love or forget to programme them with
emotions! First you throw me over for B4, then you toss him aside like an
old overcoat to work on Lore, then you ignore him to work on Data, so named
'cause that's all he's good for. I loved you. DIDJA HEAR ME? I loved you!
And what did it get me? Yeah, I'll tell ya what, a big fat nothing!
(Soong zaps Juliana)
Chrissy: I grow weary of this world! When can Lore and I have the keys to
the spaceship?
Soong: My dear Chrissy, you and Lore are good kids. And I have been known
to be generous....
Chrissy: I ask for nothing, doctor.
Soong: (smiles) Then you shall recieve it in abundance. We must prepare for
the Floor Show.
Lore: Why?
Soong: Have we ever passed a Friday night in this household without a Floor
Show. Come on.
(fade out and back to Ira)
Ira: So by some extraordinary coincidence, fate had decided to make Dr.
Soong temporarily insane so that the writer would have an easy scapegoat
for radical character alteration in this last part of the fic. What further
indignities were they to be subjected to? Please God not a cameo. And what
of the floor show that had been spoken of? In an empty lab. In the middle
of the night? What bad revue idea had seized Dr. Soong's crazed
imagination? What indeed....
(fade back to the Lab. everyone's setup for the floor show. Again I leave
the costuming up to the reader since I don't know how some people would
react to Data in fishnets and a corset. Of course, personally, I'd be more
concerned about Maddox. ew. musical cue.)
Get Me Off This World (Rose Tint My World)
Juliana: It was great when it all began.
I was a regular Noonie fan
But it was over when he had the plan
To start working on an android man.
Now the only thing that gives me hope,
Is leaving a certain dope,
Get me off this world
Keep me safe from going insane
Data: I am just seven hours old
And I am adorable to behold,
And for some reason yet untold
Soong thinks my libedo should be controlled.
And I think that so far
I like best Tasha Yar
Get me off this world
Keep me safe from going insane.
Chekov: Let me beat feet,
Help me Starfleet!
I'll be good
You'll see
Take this dream away,
Can I retreat?
Or hide under my sheet?
Something's after me
Yipe! Here it comes again!
Yar: I must be desceased
This is hell increased
I wish I could be realeased
But here's reality
The doctor has gone crazy
I made an oopsy daisy
Things are kind of hazy
Get me out of here!
Soong: Whatever happened to Doc Flint?
That scientist, galaxy acclaimed.
As he calculated pi,
How I started to cry.
For I wanted to do just the same,
Give yourself over to absolute logic
Be like a Vulcan, you know they're the best
They are intellegent beyond any measure
And sensual naughties they engage in, never.
Can't you just see it?
Don't think it, be it
Don't think it, be it
Maddox: I've got to get out of this place
Before this mad scientist
Saps our brains
I gotta be strong
And try to hang on
Or else my mind may well snap
And my life will be V
V
Chekov: Let me beat feet.
Help me Starfleet.
Yar: God bless Surak the wise!
Soong: My my my my my my my my my my my my my my
I'm a logical Vulcan thing
I'm a nerd, don't know how to swing,
I get a thought and my mind goes ping,
My heart is cold and my blood is green,
I think I'm gonna change my name to T'Pon
And calculate till the life has gone
Get me off this world
Keep me safe from going insane
ALL: We are logical and Vulcan things
We are nerds and don't know how to swing
We get a thought and our minds go ping
Our hearts are cold and our blood is green
I think I'm gonna change my name to T'Ponn
And calculate till the life has gone
Get me off this world
Keep me safe from going insane.
(Lore and Chrissy enter, looking like they mean business)
Lore: Doctor Soong, it's time to meet your doom!
Your experiments are a failure,
And you're too damn extreme
I'm the new commander
You now are my prisoner,
And we're getting off this damn rock
Prepare the transporter beam!
Soong: Wait! I can explain!
(musical cue.)
Screw Them Back Home (I'm Going Home)
Soong: On the day I went away
[get lost] Was all they had to say
[then they tossed] Me off the planet to stay
[and they lost] Their opportunity for a power play
'Cause I've built, oh, neural nets,
Won my old college bar bets,
And I realized,
Screw them back home.
[Screw them back home]
Everywhere it's been the same
[Feeling] Nobody even knows my name
[Wheeling] free. recognition to gain.
[Dealing] Chips for sorrow, subroutines for pain.
'Cause I've built, oh, neural nets,
Won my old college bar bets,
And I realized,
Screw them back home.
[Screw them back home]
Screw them back home.
Screw them back home!
Chrissy: How sentimental.
Lore: And also presumptuous of you. You see, when I said "we" were hauling
ass out of here, I referred only to the Crystaline Entity and myself. I'm
sorry however if you found my words misleading, but you see, you are to
remain here. Your corpse anyway.
Maddox: Holy crap! Chrissy's a life-force sucker!
Lore: Yes, commander. A being capable of draining all the life off an
entire planet.
Chekov: You mean you're going to kill everyone? Why?
Maddox: You know Lore and Data are twins. And the laws of television
dictate that one twin is always just plain EVIL.
Lore: Exactly, Commander Maddox. And now, Often-Wrong, your time has come.
Say good-bye to all of this, and hello to oblivion!
(Soong runs like hell and Chrissy gives chase. Data breaks into a run to
protect his father. We hear a scuffle off camera and see Data fall over,
deactivated for the moment. It appears Chrissy has killed Soong. Probably
Juliana as well, because she's no where to be seen.)
Chissy: You let me kill them. But I thought you liked them. They liked you.
Lore: They didn't like me! They NEVER liked ME!
Maddox: (acting like a jerk, as usual) You did right.
Lore: A decision had to be made.
Maddox: You're ok by me. Say, are you going to want to keep Data around, or
can I take him off your hands for you?
Lore: I give you your lives, Starfleet scum. Go. Now. The Crystaline Entity
is going to suck all the life off this planet and if you're still here in
10 seconds you're going with it. 1...2...
(Yar, Chekov, and Maddox run like hell to the shuttlecraft and takeoff.
Once they are safely clear of the planet they all stare out the viewscreen
dumbfounded. musical cue.)
Crystal Entities (Super Heroes)
Chekov: I've done a lot
God knows I've tried
To avoid the fate of
Comrades who've died
But all I know is
Down inside I'm chicken.
Yar: And Crystal Entities
Come to feast
To taste the lifeforce
Of the now desceased,
And all I know is
That she will go on feeding.....
Ira: And crawling through
The blackness of space
Some insects
Called the human race
Lost in time
Lost in space
And meaning
[Meaning]
(End credits. musical cue)
Down on Crazy Omicron Theta Reprise (Science Fiction, Double Feature
Reprise)
Science fiction
Double feature
Soong has built
Some android creatures,
And Lore has vanquished
This little planet
And Maddox decides,
Android? He'll ban it.
Oh oh oh oh oh
Down on crazy
Omicron Theta
Don't you know?
I wanna go
Oh oh oh
Down to crazy
Omicron Theta
Don't you know?
I don't own the Star Trek people. I don't own the RHPS people. I most
likely don't own anything else that might happen to slip in/be mentioned
during this fic. But I do own my artistic integrity. So if you want it, act
now, 'cause it's goin' cheap!
And yeah, I know this isn't the way the Omicron Theta thing happened, and
Tasha shouldn't be there and neither should Chekov. I don't really know why
he's there, but it's my fic and I wanted it this way, so just pretend like
it did for a little while. And yes, I am aware just how very messed up this
is.
The cast:
Dr. Frank N Furter- Dr. Noonian Soong (A Cybernetacist)
Brad- Ensign Pavel Chekov (a Starfleet officer)
Janet- Lieutenant Tasha Yar (another Starfleet officer)
Columbia- Juliana O'Donnel Soong Tainer (Soon's ex wife)
Magenta- The Crystaline Entity [we'll call her Chrissy for short] (an
assistant)
Riff Raff- Lore (a trouble maker)
Rocky- Data (Dr. Soong's creation)
Eddy- B4 [If you don't know who this is, ask someone who's seen Nemesis] (a
prototype)
Dr. Scott- Commander Bruce Maddox (a rival cybernetacist)
Criminologist- Ira Graves (the narrator)
(As our story opens we see the vast emptiness of space which is slowly
filled up by a set of lips. Musical cue.)
Down on Crazy Omicron Theta (Science Fiction, Double Feature)
Lips: Doctor Daystrom was ill from eating syntho-swill
But he told us where we stand.
Robert April was there and damn near everywhere,
and Pike is living in a tin can.
Then somthing went wrong planetside Omicron
All the farmers were in a tight jam.
Then at a deadly pace they flew through
Outer space,
And this is where the colonists ran,
Down to,
Omicron Theta,
Agro planet,
Doctor S will
Thoroughly damn it,
See Noonie work on
Sentient beings
Create them to function,
Ya get my meaning?
Whoa whoa whoa whoaaaa whoa
Down on crazy,
Omicron Theta
Doncha know?
Everybody thought Soong was some kind of bafoon
When he theorized positron brains,
But he really was hot and he built quite a lot
Even though some were slightly deranged.
Juliana said "Soong, you're kind of a goon
Spending all of your time in the lab."
But when neurons collide said Noonian to his bride,
"I'm gonna work on, this ain't just some fad"
Down on,
Omicron Theta,
Agro planet,
Doctor S will
Thoroughly damn it,
See Noonie work on
Sentient beings
Create them to function,
Ya get my meaning?
Whoa whoa whoa whoaaaa whoa
Down on crazy,
Omicron Theta
Doncha know?
I wanna go oh oh
Down to crazy
Omicron Theta
Doncha know?
Where farmers grow oh oh
Down on crazy
Omicron Theta
Doncha know?
It's quite a show oh oh
Down on crazy
Omicron Theta
Doncha know?
(the lips fade back into space and we see the bustling activity of a deep
space station. It appears to be in a rather bad state. The Romulans have
just taken over and are systematically chucking the Federation crew out. In
the melee we see Ensign Pavel Chekov and Lieutenant Tasha Yar.)
Yar: Oh Pavel, isn't this completely ridiculous? Didn't the Romulans look
remarkably stupid with those uniforms? I can't believe a few millenia ago
they were part of the Vulcan people, and now...now they're a bunch of Space
Thugs.
Chekov: Yes Tasha, the Romulans are certainly a pain in the ass.
Yar: Yes.
Chekov: Everyone knows it's just sour grapes because Surak's team beat
theirs at football.
Yar: Yeah.
Chekov: Why, the Senate themselves. They couldn't win a football match with
the Pakleds!
Yar: No kidding.
Chekov: Hey Tasha?
Yar: Yes Pavel?
Chekov: I've got something to say.
Yar: Huh?
Chekov: I really love the....skillful way. You wailed on those Romulans in
the cargo bay.
Yar: (proud of herself and a little flustered) Oh, Pavel.
(musical cue.)
By Russia, Tasha (Dammit, Janet)
Chekov: The Romulans heads you did crush-a [Tasha]
It gave me a really big rush-a [Tasha]
So please do not give me the brush-a [Tasha]
I've one thing to say and that's
By Russia
Tasha
You are cool!
Oh I saw how their faces did flush-a [Tasha]
When you phasered them all into mush-a [Tasha]
And I can just feel myself blush-a [Tasha]
When I say to you that
By Russia
Tasha
You are cool!
Here's a shuttlecraft we can escape in!
Can't speak for you, but I know,
Romulans are nasty with their pris'ners
Oh, T-A-S-H-A come on let's go!
Yar: Did you see how I made them all grovel! [Pavel]
When I bashed in their heads with that shoval [Pavel]
And I bet that it made them see dobble* [Pavel] (*double. creative
liscence)
And all I can say is
Those Roms
weren't bombs,
Man they blew.
Oh Pavel...
Chekov: Oh Tasha....
Yar: They'd grovel.
Chekov: For the love of Russia!
Yar: Let me fight!
Chekov: I don't think you're right.
Yar/Chekov: I will not/ Let us go run off into the night!
Chekov: Let's just hop in the shuttle and dash-a [Tasha]
I will pilot and I will not crash-a [Tasha]
I am scared and please don't at me lash-a [Tasha]
So please let us go, you know
By Russia
Tasha
let us move!
By Russia
Tasha
Yar: Those Roms
Ain't bombs
Chekov: By Russia
Tasha
Both: (Tasha finally giving in) Let us move....
(they get into the shuttle and haul ass outta there. We now cut to some old
fart sitting at a computer terminal)
Ira: I would like, if I may. Well, it isn't like you have a choice,
anyhow....To take you on a strange journey. No no no! Figuratively, boy!
Figurativey! Sit down! It seemed a fairly ordinary Romulan invasion when
Ensign Pavel Chekov and Lieutenant Tasha Yar....well if she sin't a fine
specimen of womanhood....left Starbase Richard O'Brien that late stardate
to go warn the Federation of what had happened. It's true that there were
subspace distortions in the area. Erractic, powerful, dangerous, in the
sector through which they were travelling. It's true also that the
instruments on their shuttlecraft were badly in need of some tuning. But,
they being Starfleet officers, they weren't about turn around and get
captured by Romulans while fixing it! During their escape....It was an
escape that they were going to remember....for a very long time.
(cut to shuttlecraft.)
Yar: Geez, that's the third spatial anomoly I've registered. Sure does make
me nervous, what with the subspace activity that's been reported recently.
Chekov: Yes, time/space is pretty cheap to those distortions!
(There is a loud WHOOSH. All the power goes out for a second and when it
comes back on they aren't where they started, and minus subspace radio and
most of the propulsion.)
Yar: What was that WHOOSH?
Chekov: A vormhole. Dammit! I knew I should havde taken that left turn at
Albequerquie III.
Yar: Well, what do we do?
Chekov: My scanners are picking up a planet a fwe parsecs back. Perhaps
they have a subspace signal we can use.
(they slowly pilot the shuttle to the planet. Omicron Theta. as they
approach an air of forboding surrounds them. They land nearby a large
cybernetics laboratory, that kinda resembles a castle. musical cue.)
Over at Ol' Often-Wrong's Place (Over at the Frankenstien Place)
Yar: In the creepy darkness,
Of all alien lands,
Pulsing bright,
There are guiding scans
No matter if there is snow or sands
Chekov and Yar: There's a blip! [Over at Ol' Often-Wrong's place]
There's a blip [Showing there's a sentient race]
There's a blip, a blip,
That my scans show
Man this is quite a trip.
Lore: (looking out one of the windows) The blip it must show ev'ry lifeform
you are reading
But does it know? Does it show, that you'll be screaming by this time
tonight!
This time tonight!
Chekov and Yar: There's a blip! [Over at Ol' Often-Wrong's place]
There's a blip [Showing there's a sentient race]
There's a blip, a blip,
That my scans show
Man this is quite a trip.
(And we're back with Ira Graves to get the scoop on what's going on)
Ira: It seemed that Fortune had smiled on Pavel and Tasha, and that they
had found the assistance that their plight required....or had they? Me, I
don't think so.
(cut back to Soong's lab. Lore has answered the door.)
Lore: Yeah? What the hell do you want?
Chekov: I am Ensgin Chekov and this is my comrade-er, I mean, my fellow
officer Lieutenant Yar. We were wondering if you had a subspace radio we
could use?
Lore: (scowls) You're wearing uniforms.
Yar: Yes, we're Starfleet.
Lore: Hm. I think you'd better both come inside.
(Chekov and Tasha step inside. The place is a little reminiscent of the
decor if Salvador Dali moved in with Albert Einstein. We can also hear the
gentle murmer of some kind of fesitve gathering in the background)
Lore: C'mon. Move it. I don't have all day ya know.
Yar: Are you having a party?
Lore: You've arrived on a rather special night. It's one of Often-Wrong's
to-dos.
Yar: Lucky him.
Chrissy: (floating down the staircase) He's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all
lucky! HAHAHAHA.
Chekov: Um. Aren't we lucky too?
Chrissy: If you were lucky would you be here?
Chekov: Good point.
(musical cue.)
Transwarp (Time Warp)
Lore: It's astounding
Warp propulsion
Moving
Through subspace.
But listen closely.
Chrissy: Not for very much longer.
Lore: You can't hope to
Keep my pace!
I remember
Going to transwarp
Speeding
Throughout space
But then I got stuck here
Lore and Chrissy: On this stupid planet
ALL: Let's go to transwarp again!
Let's go to transwarp again!
(cut to Ira)
Ira: To hell with this! I'm old. I don't have to do no damn dances!
(back to Soong's lab, Lore shooting a murderous look off camera)
Lore: And then throttle the pest! (makes throttling motion)
(cut back to Ira)
Ira: You are making me pissed
(back to Soong's lab)
ALL: (making obscene gesture off camera) Old man, surely you jest!
But it's that we're being bossed
That really drives us insane!
Let's go to transwarp again!
Let's go to transwarp again!
Chrissy: It's so speedy
And you're moving so freely
So fast you can't see me, no not at all.
Almost another dimension
A getaway's the intention,
Somewhere well secluded
Unseen by all!
Lore: With just a thumbnail flip
Chrissy: We're beamed to the transwarp ship!
Lore: And nothing will ever be the same.
Chrissy: It's a thrilling sensation!
Lore: Better than a vacation!
ALL: Let's go to transwarp again!
Let's go to transwarp again!
Juliana: Well I was cruisin' through the quad
just a havin' a think
When I suddenly saw Lore
and oh my heart did sink!
It shook-a me up
And took me by surprise
He had hotwired the truck
A trick of no small size!
I brought him home
And then I knew the change
We couldn't leave this planet!
Never would again!
ALL: Let's go to transwarp again!
Let's go to transwarp again!
(cut to Ira)
Ira: Not doin' the damn dance!
(cut back to Soong's)
ALL: And then we throttle the pest (make throttling gesture)
(back to Ira)
Ira: You are making me pissed!
(back to Soong's)
ALL: (making obscene gesture off camera) Old man, surely you jest!
But it's that we're being bossed
That really drives us insane!
Let's go to transwarp again!
Let's go to transwarp again!
(everyone falls over for no real apparent reason and Tasha and Chekov are
left staring at them a little bit freaked out)
Yar: Say something!
Chekov: Say! (everyone looks at him) Did you know transwarp was a Russian
inwention? (everyone groans)
Yar: C'mon let's just go.
Chekov: But we haven't even gotten to use the radio yet!
Yar: But everyone seems demented here.
Chekov: It's just a party, Tasha.
Yar: Well I wanna go!
Chekov: We can't go anywhere until we find a subspace radio.
Yar: Then ask that snowflake or someone!
Chekov: Just a moment, Tasha. We don't want to interfere in their
celebration.
Yar: This isn't an Admiral's Banquet, Pavel.
Chekov: They're probably just aliens with customs no less valid than our
own. They may do some more folk dancing.
Yar: Look, this is stupid, I'm tired, and I'm just plain irritated!
Chekov: I'm here. There is nothing to worry about.
(A turbolift opens behind them, and out steps Dr. Soong. Use your own
imagination as to what he's wearing because I don't want to get tomatoes
thrown at me for blatently putting Noonie in drag, unless you like that
kind of thing. musical cue.)
Cybernetacist (Sweet Transvestite)
Soong: How'd you do I,
See you've met my
Obnoxious
Son named Lore,
He's just a
Little brought down because
When you knocked,
He thought you were some kind of whore.
Don't get strung out
By the way I act,
Don't you even worry,
You may not think that I
Am a very normal guy
But then you should meet my friend Murray,
I'm just a
Cybernetacist
From Om Theta
Colony hehe
Let me show you around
Maybe play you a sound,
You look a little bit moody,
Or if you want something visual
That's not too abysmal
We could take in a holodeck movie.
Chekov: I'm glad you're hear, you know
We need a radio
And we're both in a bit of a hurry
We'll just tell them our ship
Entered a time rip
Then we'll be picked up,
Don't you worry.
Soong: So you were
Caught in wormhole?
Well, wouldn't you know
But I really wouldn't panic
We're all bright, have no fright
It'll all be all right,
It happens I'm an expert mechanic!
I'm just a
Cybernetacist
From Om Theta
Colony hehe
Why don't you stay for the night? [night]
Most of us don't bite [bite]
I could show you my favourite obsession
I've been making a 'droid
And I'm just overjoyed
So do I have your attention?
I'm just a
Cybernetacist
From Om Theta
Colony hehe
Hit it, hit it!
I'm just a
Cybernetacist [cybernetacist]
From Om Theta
Colony hehe
So
Step into my lab
See what's on the slab
I see you quiver with antici-
Pation
But that might be just Lore
Do try to ignore
He may be a creep
But he's not dangerous.
(the turbolift doors close)
(Lore and Chrissy takcle Chekov and Yar and swipe their uniforms, leaving
them in Starfleet issue underwear)
Juliana: Lore. What are you doing?
Lore: This isn't a Starfleet outpost. I'm offended by the uniforms.
Juliana: Oh. ok.
Chekov: (trying to intruduce himself while attempting to keep his uniform
on) Hello. I am Ensign Pavel Chekov, and this is my fellow officer
Lieutenant Tasha Yar. And you are...?
Juliana: You're very lucky to be invited into Noonie's lab. Not many people
even come into the house! (Juliana wanders off)
Lore: This way. (shoves Tasha and Chekov into the turbolift)
Yar: Um. Are you Soong's friends?
Lore: Often-Wrong doesn't have any friends. Nor do I think he ever will
have....We are simply his....family. (the lift doors open into Soong's lab)
Soong: (Addressing an audience of stuffed animals) Tonight! My esteemed
collegues. You are to witness another breakthrough in positronic research.
And immortality via my children is to be MINE! I remember discovering the
secret...that SPARK of sentience in life. It was
by....accident....(technobable technobable technobable) And this is the
night my newest android is destined to be born! Throw open the switches on
the sonic oscillator. And step up the reactor power input
3...more...points! (Lore runs around doing the grunt work. from the lab
table, Data sits up and looks around in slight confustion) Yes! YES! (Lore
is immediately jelous of his new little brother and starts chasing him with
several varied pointy and blunt objects. musical cue.)
Sword of Damocles (Sword of Damocles)
Data: The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.
And I have suppositions that my brother will be cutting the thread.
Oh. What a scene.
Of feelings I am quite clean.
And I see the glean
In Lores eyes as he throws some pretty big boulders.
I have woken and now I see my brother is filled with some dread
That I will be favoured and therefore he will be wanting me dead.
I look high and low
And am stuck with no place to go
I will feel the blow
From Lores hand when he throws some pretty big boulders
The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.
And I have suppositions that my brother will be cutting the thread.
Oh. What a scene.
Of feelings I am quite clean.
And I see the glean
In Lores eyes as he throws some pretty big boulders.
Soong: (stops Lore before he destroys Data.) Well really! That's no way to
behave on his first day out! But since you're my boy, I'm prepared to
forgive you. (Lore skulks off and Soong turns his attention to his newest
creation) Oh, I just love success!
Lore: Yeah, yeah. A credit to your genius.
Chrissy: A triumph of technology.
Juliana: Eh. A little bland isn't he?
Soong: Bland? BLAND?? Well I think we can do better than that! (hauls Data
over to meet Chekov and Yar) Well Pavel, Tasha. What do you think of him?
Yar: He seems nice.
Soong: He IS nice! He is programmed with the Jimminy Criket ethics
programme.
(musical cue.)
I Can Make You a 'Droid (I Can Make You a Man)
Soong: An android, weighing one hundred k.g.
Is a large paperweight,
And useless you see,
Except in my place
With my determined face
And the sweat from my pores
As I work for my cause,
I'll make him intellgent, and keen
And with sentience, and the possibility to dream,
He'll be cute, and quite lean
He'll be a white man
Oh my,
But a not-quite man
He'll need nutrients to function
Maybe from raw eggs
Try to build up his intellect, imbibe knowladge by the keg
Why reproduce like usual
Once you've met my boys?
'Cause in just seven months
I can make you a 'droid
He'll read Dante, and Shakespeare,
And Lord Byron, though he's a jerk
And he don't have to sleep
He could never cease to work
And strenulous living he won't have to avoid
'Cause in just seven months I can make you a 'droid
(Dr. Soong's joyous proclaimations are cut short by B4 wandering in from
storage)
What Ever Happened to Doing Things Right? (What Ever Happened to Saturday
Night?)
B4: What ever happened to doing things right?
When you worked on me and stayed up all night?
It don't seem the same since sentint's light
Came into my life
I thought I was unique!
You'd sit with me instead of a chick who'd go
We'd listen to Mozart on subspace radio
The tools were all hummin'
You were rarin' to go
We'd hang in the lab here
And realy have a good time
Goodness Gracious, don't you know?
Really wish I wasn't so damn slow.
Goodness Gracious, don't you know?
Really wish I wasn't so damn slow.
Goodness Gracious, don't you know?
Really wish I wasn't so damn slow.
Goodness Gracious, don't you know?
Really wish I wasn't so damn slow.
My head kinda looks like spaghetti inside
I'm just so sub standard I could have cried.
I had a cascade failure, you thought I'd died.
But turns out I was just fritzed and now I am fine
I get myself back here and come to the lab
And see some new creation right there on the slab
He's prolly smarter than me, but looks pretty drab
I feel pretty bad. Really this is such a crime!
Goodness Gracious, don't you know?
Really wish I wasn't so damn slow.
Goodness Gracious, don't you know?
Really wish I wasn't so damn slow.
Goodness Gracious, don't you know?
Really wish I wasn't so damn slow.
Goodness Gracious, don't you know?
Really wish I wasn't so damn slow.
(B4 shorts out and dies)
Soong: Looks like we had ourselves one from the vaults. (Data looks
confused) Don't be consfused. It was a short circut. He had a lot of
potential, but no programming.
(musical cue)
I Can Make You a 'Droid Reprise (Make You a Man Reprise)
Soong: But a high IQ and a neural net
You think he's good now?
You ain't seen nothing yet
Makes me wooo. Shake.
Prob'ly woulda gave Charles Darwin a 'rrhoid.
'Cause in just seven months
I can build you a 'droid!
I don't want a big meany
Just nice, sweet, and leany
Yar: I'm a nice guy fan!
Soong: In just seven months. I can build you a man!
(Dr. Soong takes Data into a school area to help him pass into sentience
and explain some basic human stuff)
(the shot returns to Ira)
Ira: There are those who say that life is an illusion, and that reality is
simply a figment of the imagination. These people are full of horse hockey!
This is as real as it gets people! Anyway, back to the story. The sudden
departure of Soong and his creation into the learning annex had left Chekov
and Yar feeling both apprehensive and uneasy. A feeling which grew as Lore
started to talk to them and they were shown to their separate rooms.
(cut to Yar's room)
Chekov: (slips into the room) Tasha! We have to get out of here!
Yar: No kidding these people are insane!
Chekov: Come on. I found a way out (tries to cop a cheap feel. ends up in a
half nelson and the Chekov wigs falls off to reveal Dr. Soong)
Yar: (gasp) YOU!
Soong: Yeah...um...sorry 'bout that. I'm lonely. You know how scientists
are....
Yar: OUT!
Soong: Yeah...I kinda thougts so. Points for effort though, right?
Yar: OUT OUT OUT!
Soong: (sneeking out) Yeah...Um...sorry again....
(cut to the learning annex. Data is studying various screens of
information. Lore and Chrissy wander in and try to deactivate him. Data
takes off running full speed, self-preservation modes engaged)
(cut to Chekov's bedroom)
Yar: (slipping in) Oh, Pavel! It's so unhealthy here
Chekov: It's all right. I am here.
Yar: (cuddles him) Oh, Pavel you're so strong and protective.
Chekov: (cuddles Yar until he discovers it's not Yar, but Juliana) AGH!
Juliana: Shh...Sorry. I'm just....Well, you know how it is, living with a
mad scientist. And you are a cute little guy! (tries to cop a cheap feel)
Chekov: No!
Juliana: Oh come on. Isn't it even slightly tempting?
Chekov: One question.
Juliana: Hm?
Chekov: Do you know Jim Kirk?
Juliana: No.
Chekov: Then give me some sugar baby!
(Chekov and Juliana get it on)
Lore: (appearing on com link) Hey mom. Data's running around the house when
he shouldn't be. I'm gonna go catch him. (attempts to hide large mallet
behind his back)
Juliana: (grumbles) Coming!
(cut to Yar's room. In the background we can hear Lore yelling and swearing
while he chases his brother)
Yar: (becomming increasingly annoyed) Where's Chekov. Where's anyone?
(wanders out of her room) If only the Romulans hadn't attacked. If only
that wormhole hadn't opened. If only we were on a starbase, or at least
with sane persons. (starts to wander around the lab. she finds a com link
that's been left on and sees Chekov and Juliana making hot jungle love and
almost vomits. She hears something behind her and sees Data hiding under
the lab table, there are several tears in his synthoskin) You poor darling.
Did Lore do this to you? (Data nods) Let me dress your wounds (she picks up
some of the lab tools and starts to work)
Ira: (voice over) "Emotion. Agitation or disturbance of mind. vehement or
excited mental state." It is also a powerful and irrational master.
Something that Data didn't have to worry about, but Yar did. And from what
Chrissy and Juliana eagerly viewed on their com link there was little doubt
that Yar was indeed it's bitch. luck damn android.
Chrissy and Juliana: (from somwhere else in the house) Tell us about it
Tasha.
(music cue.)
Toucha Toucha Toucha Touch Me (Toucha Toucha Toucha Touch Me)
Yar: I was feeling so scared,
I would never have dared....
I've hid from rape gangs since I was four
Juliana: You mean she...?
Chissy: sounds like
Yar: I thought there's no need to let
Some guy near me, but you bet
I think you're cute, and I'm wet
So what I want to know,
Is will you go?
I like you here and I want more
Juliana and Chrissy: More more more.
Yar: Please put up no resistance,
I know you'll stay the distance
I've got a need like pon farr
I need assistance
Toucha toucha toucha touch me
I wanna be dirty!
Access, thrill me, fulfill me
Data, you're so right!
And we'll see how it goes,
Well who knows,
I'll oil you up and rub you down,
Juliana and Chrissy: down down down
Yar: And that's just one small fraction
Of the main attraction
You need a human hand
And I need action!
Toucha toucha toucha touch me
I wanna be dirty!
Access, thrill me, fulfill me
Data, you're so right!
Juliana: (mimicking) Toucha toucha toucha touch me
Chrissy: I wanna be dirty!
Juliana: Access, thrill me, fulfill me
Chrissy: Data, you're so right!
Yar: Toucha toucha toucha touch me
I wanna be dirty!
Access, thrill me, fulfill me
Data, you're so right!
Data: Have I done it right?
Chekov: What the--this ain't right!
Soong: Data? (blanches) What a sight!
Chrissy: Data, you're so right!
Lore: Huh? Wha? I'M so right! (insulted by Chrissy's remark)
Juliana: Oh, my. That's not right....
Data: Have I done it right?
Yar: Data, you're so right!
(after this little escapade Soong enters from the turbolift dragging Lore
by the ear)
Soong: I thought I told you to keep an eye on your little brother?
Lore: I'm not my brother's keeper!
Chrissy: (on com link) Um, Dr. Soong. The scanner says there's a visitor.
Looks like Commander Maddox.
(Chekov wanders in looking disheveled but happy)
Chekov: Brucie?
Soong: Then you know this assho--I mean, this Commander?
Chekov: Yes. We were in the Academy together.
Soong: So, our meeting was not mere chance. You had an ulterior motive for
coming here.
Chekov: What? I told you what happened. With the Romulans and the
wormhole....
Soong: Yes, that's what you told me.
Chekov: But it is the truth!
Soong: Is it? You know Commander Maddox is in Starfleet.
Chekov: Yes, of course.
Soong: Then you must also know he works for your Daystrom Institute
persuing the field of study known as CYBERNETICS??
Chekov: I don't know. It's possible.
Soong: More than possible! You and that Lieutenant were sent on ahead to
scout out my lab.
Chekov: This is ridiculous!
Soong: Is it??
Chrissy: (on com link) Doctor. the intruder has entered the lab.
Soong: Then perhaps we should inquire of him IN PERSON. (pushes a button
and Maddox is beamed in)
Chekov: Brucie!
(Data pops up from behind some lab equiptment, as well as Yar. The only
thing they have on is a sheet wrapped around the two of them)
Maddox: Lt. Yar!
Yar: Commander!
Chekov: Tasha!
Yar: Pavel!
Soong: Data!
Data: (just kind of going along with everyone else's reaction) Doctor
Soong.
Maddox: Lt. Yar!
Yar: Commander!
Chekov: Tasha!
Yar: Pavel!
Soong: Data!
Data: Dr. Soong.
Soong: Data! How could you! I mean, with this space tramp!
Yar: Space tramp! Why I--
Chrissy: (wandering in and banging a gong) Doctor! Maintenance time!
Soong: Shall we adjourn to the other room? Under the circumstances, formal
attire is to be optional!
(scene change. the maintenance bay. Dr. Soong busilly replaces any damaged
or worn parts on Data or Lore)
Soong: So Commander Maddox, what brings you here.
Maddox: I came to see about the B4
Chekov: The B4? I've seen it. It was-- (Soong chucks a work tool at
Chekov's head)
Soong: How do you know about B4?
Maddox: I happen to know a great deal of things, you see B4 happens to be
my project! (Soong shoots Maddox a dirty look. Everyone else just looks
confused) I knew he was built by a bad crowd. But it was worse than I
thought. You don't treat them like machines.
Soong: They aren't machines, but please continue....
(music cue)
B4's Circuts (Eddy's Teddy)
Maddox: From the day B4 crashed
He was my project
His systems were hash
And his brain was fried
I tried in vain
Ira: (voice over) Maddox is an insufferable little pain.
Maddox: Finally I got him back online.
From the day he was back
All he wanted
Was input and know
and a lot of fact,
Learning this junk
Ira: (voice over) really irritated that little punk.
Maddox: Anyone could tell he wasn't fine.
Then B4 said
"My circuts need a check"
I knew he was a stupid machine
But I booted him back up
The stupid little f*ck
Soong: That was mean!
Yar: I feel green (doesn't look so good)
Maddox: Well I did!
Juliana: Everybody teased him
But it wasn't hard to please him
Just give him something shiny
And he would not be whiney
Why can't the other two be that way too?
Maddox: And soon he was drawn
To my workspace
And I could work
On his head in peace (shame on you, shame on you)
B4: (voice over) Get out of my head!
Oh hurry or you'll make me dead!
You musn't carry out your evil deed!
ALL:Then B4 said
"My circuts need a check"
He knew he was a stupid machine
But he booted him back up
The stupid little f*ck
Soong: That was mean!
Yar: I feel green.
Maddox: Well I did!
(Soong, angry at what happened to B4 smack a cupboard and B4 falls out in
pieces. It's obvious he's been using the extra parts for Lore and Data)
Lore: You've been filling us with reused substandard parts??
(Yar rushes over to comfort Data who doesn't really look upset. More
confused than anything.)
Soong: Get away from him, you interplanetary hussy! (chases Yar out of the
room. Lore and Chrissy laugh about it and then follow everyone else out to
see what's going on. musical cue.)
Lieutenant Yar (Janet Weiss)
Soong: You've done this once
And you've gone to far
Keep your mitts off him
Lieutenant Yar!
I bet you like backseats in cars
Keep your mitts off him
Lieutenant Yar!
He is not a toy
He is my little boy!
You're so nice-a
Like on Risa
I think you know what I mean.
You got a block?
I'll give you a marr
Keep your mitts off him
Lieutenant Yar!
The transducer will seduce ya
It's something you'll get used to
Kickin' your ass is gonna be nice!
Yar: My feet! I can't move my feet!
Maddox: I can't either!
Chekov: It's as f we're rooted to the spot!
Soong: You are! So shut up and let me deal with this before the temporary
insanity passes.
Yar: We're screwed.
Maddox: Obviously, loose legs.
Yar: Don't make me hurt you, pencil neck!
Maddox: This sonic transducer. I have no idea what it is.
Soong: I don't either. But now seems like a good time to find out.
Yar: (hopeful) You mean it might send us to another planet?
Soong: Planet Schmanet, hussie!
Keep you mits off him
Lieutenant Yar.
It's gone to far,
Yes way too far.
Ira: (voice over) And then she yelled
Yar: Leave me the hell alone!!
Soong: You were hot and flustered,
Did you even use mustard?
Chekov: You're a moron
And you don't know what you are doin'
Doctor Soong
(Soong zaps Chekov)
Maddox: You're a moron
And you don't know what you are doin'
Doctor Soong
(Soong zaps Maddox)
Yar: You're a moron
(Soong zaps Yar. and then zaps Data too for good measure.)
Soong: It's not easy being a parent. Even smiling makes my face ache.
Juliana: (storming in) What do you think you're doing? So they had a good
time, big deal? I've had enough. You. You're like a sponge, just take take
take and drain other of their love or forget to programme them with
emotions! First you throw me over for B4, then you toss him aside like an
old overcoat to work on Lore, then you ignore him to work on Data, so named
'cause that's all he's good for. I loved you. DIDJA HEAR ME? I loved you!
And what did it get me? Yeah, I'll tell ya what, a big fat nothing!
(Soong zaps Juliana)
Chrissy: I grow weary of this world! When can Lore and I have the keys to
the spaceship?
Soong: My dear Chrissy, you and Lore are good kids. And I have been known
to be generous....
Chrissy: I ask for nothing, doctor.
Soong: (smiles) Then you shall recieve it in abundance. We must prepare for
the Floor Show.
Lore: Why?
Soong: Have we ever passed a Friday night in this household without a Floor
Show. Come on.
(fade out and back to Ira)
Ira: So by some extraordinary coincidence, fate had decided to make Dr.
Soong temporarily insane so that the writer would have an easy scapegoat
for radical character alteration in this last part of the fic. What further
indignities were they to be subjected to? Please God not a cameo. And what
of the floor show that had been spoken of? In an empty lab. In the middle
of the night? What bad revue idea had seized Dr. Soong's crazed
imagination? What indeed....
(fade back to the Lab. everyone's setup for the floor show. Again I leave
the costuming up to the reader since I don't know how some people would
react to Data in fishnets and a corset. Of course, personally, I'd be more
concerned about Maddox. ew. musical cue.)
Get Me Off This World (Rose Tint My World)
Juliana: It was great when it all began.
I was a regular Noonie fan
But it was over when he had the plan
To start working on an android man.
Now the only thing that gives me hope,
Is leaving a certain dope,
Get me off this world
Keep me safe from going insane
Data: I am just seven hours old
And I am adorable to behold,
And for some reason yet untold
Soong thinks my libedo should be controlled.
And I think that so far
I like best Tasha Yar
Get me off this world
Keep me safe from going insane.
Chekov: Let me beat feet,
Help me Starfleet!
I'll be good
You'll see
Take this dream away,
Can I retreat?
Or hide under my sheet?
Something's after me
Yipe! Here it comes again!
Yar: I must be desceased
This is hell increased
I wish I could be realeased
But here's reality
The doctor has gone crazy
I made an oopsy daisy
Things are kind of hazy
Get me out of here!
Soong: Whatever happened to Doc Flint?
That scientist, galaxy acclaimed.
As he calculated pi,
How I started to cry.
For I wanted to do just the same,
Give yourself over to absolute logic
Be like a Vulcan, you know they're the best
They are intellegent beyond any measure
And sensual naughties they engage in, never.
Can't you just see it?
Don't think it, be it
Don't think it, be it
Maddox: I've got to get out of this place
Before this mad scientist
Saps our brains
I gotta be strong
And try to hang on
Or else my mind may well snap
And my life will be V
V
Chekov: Let me beat feet.
Help me Starfleet.
Yar: God bless Surak the wise!
Soong: My my my my my my my my my my my my my my
I'm a logical Vulcan thing
I'm a nerd, don't know how to swing,
I get a thought and my mind goes ping,
My heart is cold and my blood is green,
I think I'm gonna change my name to T'Pon
And calculate till the life has gone
Get me off this world
Keep me safe from going insane
ALL: We are logical and Vulcan things
We are nerds and don't know how to swing
We get a thought and our minds go ping
Our hearts are cold and our blood is green
I think I'm gonna change my name to T'Ponn
And calculate till the life has gone
Get me off this world
Keep me safe from going insane.
(Lore and Chrissy enter, looking like they mean business)
Lore: Doctor Soong, it's time to meet your doom!
Your experiments are a failure,
And you're too damn extreme
I'm the new commander
You now are my prisoner,
And we're getting off this damn rock
Prepare the transporter beam!
Soong: Wait! I can explain!
(musical cue.)
Screw Them Back Home (I'm Going Home)
Soong: On the day I went away
[get lost] Was all they had to say
[then they tossed] Me off the planet to stay
[and they lost] Their opportunity for a power play
'Cause I've built, oh, neural nets,
Won my old college bar bets,
And I realized,
Screw them back home.
[Screw them back home]
Everywhere it's been the same
[Feeling] Nobody even knows my name
[Wheeling] free. recognition to gain.
[Dealing] Chips for sorrow, subroutines for pain.
'Cause I've built, oh, neural nets,
Won my old college bar bets,
And I realized,
Screw them back home.
[Screw them back home]
Screw them back home.
Screw them back home!
Chrissy: How sentimental.
Lore: And also presumptuous of you. You see, when I said "we" were hauling
ass out of here, I referred only to the Crystaline Entity and myself. I'm
sorry however if you found my words misleading, but you see, you are to
remain here. Your corpse anyway.
Maddox: Holy crap! Chrissy's a life-force sucker!
Lore: Yes, commander. A being capable of draining all the life off an
entire planet.
Chekov: You mean you're going to kill everyone? Why?
Maddox: You know Lore and Data are twins. And the laws of television
dictate that one twin is always just plain EVIL.
Lore: Exactly, Commander Maddox. And now, Often-Wrong, your time has come.
Say good-bye to all of this, and hello to oblivion!
(Soong runs like hell and Chrissy gives chase. Data breaks into a run to
protect his father. We hear a scuffle off camera and see Data fall over,
deactivated for the moment. It appears Chrissy has killed Soong. Probably
Juliana as well, because she's no where to be seen.)
Chissy: You let me kill them. But I thought you liked them. They liked you.
Lore: They didn't like me! They NEVER liked ME!
Maddox: (acting like a jerk, as usual) You did right.
Lore: A decision had to be made.
Maddox: You're ok by me. Say, are you going to want to keep Data around, or
can I take him off your hands for you?
Lore: I give you your lives, Starfleet scum. Go. Now. The Crystaline Entity
is going to suck all the life off this planet and if you're still here in
10 seconds you're going with it. 1...2...
(Yar, Chekov, and Maddox run like hell to the shuttlecraft and takeoff.
Once they are safely clear of the planet they all stare out the viewscreen
dumbfounded. musical cue.)
Crystal Entities (Super Heroes)
Chekov: I've done a lot
God knows I've tried
To avoid the fate of
Comrades who've died
But all I know is
Down inside I'm chicken.
Yar: And Crystal Entities
Come to feast
To taste the lifeforce
Of the now desceased,
And all I know is
That she will go on feeding.....
Ira: And crawling through
The blackness of space
Some insects
Called the human race
Lost in time
Lost in space
And meaning
[Meaning]
(End credits. musical cue)
Down on Crazy Omicron Theta Reprise (Science Fiction, Double Feature
Reprise)
Science fiction
Double feature
Soong has built
Some android creatures,
And Lore has vanquished
This little planet
And Maddox decides,
Android? He'll ban it.
Oh oh oh oh oh
Down on crazy
Omicron Theta
Don't you know?
I wanna go
Oh oh oh
Down to crazy
Omicron Theta
Don't you know?