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Chapter Seventy-two

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Facing the Truth

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"…this may be my opportunity to tell you my side of our encounters since you never asked (as you yourself confessed) nor stayed long enough for me to tell you. Sorry, if that sounds harsh?"

Elizabeth stared at Nathan's words. "… I am only trying to be factual and honest for both you and myself."

Raising her eyes to the mirror across the room, Elizabeth realized this was going to be more difficult than she had anticipated. She stood, retrieving a couple of handkerchiefs from her drawer and sat once again, one of the embroidered linens grasped tightly. As she read Nathan's acknowledgement of her watching him, her face colored to realize he had been aware of her attempts at conversation.

She was surprised to read that a man like Nathan had never dated, yet as Elizabeth read of girls pursuing him in his youth and at Mountie Balls, she was not surprised.

So he can dance!' She whispered, then wondered to herself. 'How different our lives may have been if I had chosen him for that ladies choice dance?'

Reading on further Elizabeth's eyes were opened to the reason for Nathan's shyness and the weight of the Fort Clay information. She had not thought of it being a burden to Nathan, just that he never told her. 'Oh! He wanted to, but waited until he could have comforted me…' A tear escaped down her cheek.

The next paragraph made her gasp as Nathan expressed his hurt and embarrassment at her public accusations. Tears began to fall in earnest as Nathan's letter explained how Allie was hurt by what Elizabeth had done. 'I never thought about Allie hearing about it or being questioned. No wonder she became afraid of me…'

Reading of how both Allie and Nathan suffered alone and isolated even from each other, made Elizabeth sob. She was grateful for their forgiveness but ashamed and grieved that she had caused them pain. Lifting the letter to focus and try to read through her blurry eyes, Elizabeth was brought face-to-face with her actions. '…belittled… unsolicited input…? I made Nathan question his parenting and feel he was failing Allie… Oh Lord! What have I done? Please, forgive me?'

Elizabeth re-read the sentence and thanked the Lord for those in town who supported and encouraged Nathan, wondering who they had been. 'How selfish I have been to not be included in that number?'

Smiling at Nathan's words of gratitude for her writing Allie, Elizabeth's smile faded as Nathan wrote about their cancelled date. 'Ashamed of you, Nathan? I've never been ashamed of you…'

Regret washed over her again, just remembering what she had done, making an excuse to avoid their dinner date. "Oh…he has never read my book? I think I can be happy about that at least. I wish no one would read it at this point…"

Whispering again, Elizabeth balked at Nathan wishing they had moved to Union City. "What?" Yet she really couldn't blame him since she had given him no reason to stay. Finishing the paragraph, Elizabeth thanked the Lord for the promotion Nathan was now enjoying.

Ducking her head in embarrassment although alone in her room, Elizabeth agreed with Nathan's description of her being a tornado leaving chaos behind, although she winced when he said he felt attacked.

Yet it was Nathan's next paragraph that made her gasp.

"You mention that final time you burst into my office. Elizabeth, I do hope by now that you realize the RCMP office is a workplace. The kind of calculated words (for in that particular instance it was not a conversation) you leveled at me were in my place of employment and while I was working. I hope you don't do that again to any other friends?..."

Gulping, Elizabeth realized she had never thought about the RCMP office being a workplace, only that it was where she had found Jack, and later could find Nathan. His rebuke was strong, but deserved.

Elizabeth continued reading.

"Yes, that was a devastating blow to me... ...Your comparing me to your husband, Jack, was twisting the knife. I must admit I am glad you have shed some tears over that encounter. I have wept often and long about it myself. The pain was beyond words…"

Rereading that sentence again, Elizabeth wept to remember and to realize how he had felt. "The pain was beyond words…"

Elizabeth let the letter fall into her lap as, weeping, she covered her face with the handkerchief. Slowly wiping her tears, she returned to the remainder of the paragraph.

"Yet, I practiced forgiving you over and over and over again. I still forgive you when I think of it, though I try not to remember. I have tried to understand what you meant, but could only conclude that you didn't really know me and, what you knew, you ran from in fear..."

'Oh, no, Nathan. I was running from my own fears, not from you. I guess I see how you could interpret it that way though…'

Relieved that the following section was about her son, Elizabeth smiled, especially when Nathan wrote he '…loves that little fella... and probably always will.' She vowed to herself she would remember to give Jack the hug from Nathan, even if Jack might then have many questions.

"Uh oh…" Elizabeth voiced. "For very different reasons neither of us want to remember that day at the brook!" Returning to re-read that section again, Elizabeth saw what she had missed.

Nathan had written, 'I doubt I will ever be that bold to declare love to anyone again...'

"No, Nathan. No! Don't say that. I want to hear your declaration of love again…" Elizabeth listened to the desperation in her own voice, keenly aware she was the cause of his doubt. Would he ever confess his love to her once more?

Continuing, Elizabeth allowed a small smile to form, but it was dashed immediately. "Oh!"

"…thank you for confessing you were wrong to chide me. Somehow I doubt you ever treated another parent as you treated me that night? I still don't understand your lack of respect for me as a parent, let alone a person."

Elizabeth's jaw dropped and she covered her mouth. 'Nathan is right! I've never treated another parent like I did him. What gave me the right to abuse him so?' She looked up and gazed at the azure sky visible between the curtains in her window, speaking softly. "I don't know the answer, Lord, but please forgive me? Forgive my rudeness and lack of respect…" As a sob escaped, Elizabeth found more words for her prayer. "Oh, of all men, Lord. Nathan is so kind and respectable, honorable… Plus, I should never have expected him to attend after how I left him at the brook…"

Glancing back at the letter her eye caught Nathan's confession that Allie and he were a team and she was God's gift to him. "Thank you, Lord, for Allie. Thank you that Nathan is not alone, but has her devoted love. Please surround them both with your loving arms of comfort and support and of your presence, Lord…."

Looking down Elizabeth read Nathan's explanation of Allie's adoption disaster. 'And I accused him of lying… and… Oh!' All thoughts stilled and all words left Elizabeth as she read further.

'And, although I forgive you, this is where I must confess another pain. When you yelled at me in the street it was in front of Lucas. That hurts a man, Elizabeth. I never felt Lucas respected me as an officer of the law in town anyway, but your words and attitude in front of him supported his poor opinion of me. Lucas never acknowledged that I saved his life that night in the Saloon and he made numerous derogatory comments about my parenting Allie and accused me of pursuing you.'

Elizabeth's anger rose reading that Lucas had derided Nathan, but she realized she had often disrespected Nathan by breaking a confidence and herself had ridiculed Nathan to Lucas.

Conviction hit strongly as she read Nathan's next words. '(I assume you must have told him that since he was not around when I bared my heart to you?)'

"I did tell Lucas that Nathan declared his love! It's my fault that sweet, kind, unassuming Nathan was subjected to Lucas's cruelty… I poisoned Lucas!" Closing her eyes, Elizabeth gulped. "Forgive me for that too, Lord?"

'Nathan recognized I changed, but is thankful…' Elizabeth held her breath, reading that Nathan didn't know if it was too late, if their relationship could be restored.

'I believe I will always love you, but… You are asking me to take a risk I don't think I can take right now. Your words say I've had your heart, but your actions have said otherwise, Elizabeth.'

Elizabeth gasped for breath.

'You chose safety, unwilling to take a risk of the possibility of loss that might not even happen, a risk of the unknown. My risk is very different. My risk is the known. The rejection, betrayal, dismissal, the harsh words… These are wounds I have known. Maybe still know, although I practice daily forgiveness. Many men risk their lives, their hearts, for those they love, but fewer risk their broken hearts. This is my dilemma, Elizabeth. I am uncertain if I can take that risk with you.'

Sobs racked Elizabeth. Standing, she hurried to lay on her bed, burying her head in her pillow. She wept long and sorrowfully, Nathan's letter still gripped in her hand. It was only knowing that Jack was sleeping down the hall that kept Elizabeth from wailing aloud.

As her sobs gradually subsided, Elizabeth turned to her side and continued reading.

Nathan wrote. 'If we do correspond there are no promises from me for a future. Allie and I left Hope Valley to put everything between the three of us behind us, to shake the dust off our feet so to speak. For her sake and mine, I know I can make no promises.'

Swallowing hard, Elizabeth read that Nathan was guarding his heart and then his next words hit her.

'There is no way to say this without being blunt. I'm sorry. I need to have proof that I can trust you, Elizabeth.' And following that statement Nathan wrote, 'I pray that I am not hurting you with my honest words. That is not my intent. I am only taking the opportunity to share with you that which I never could before... My perspective.'

"Oh Lord…. If only I had stopped and listened to Nathan. Maybe I wouldn't have assumed the worst, accused and abused this precious man… How can I ever prove he can trust me?"

Gulping, Elizabeth continued, reading Nathan's final paragraph of questions.

Examining each question, Elizabeth began to mentally formulate her response and grabbed her old journal from her bedside table, finding two blank pages at the end. She sat with her back against the headboard, knees raised and journal balanced on them.

Elizabeth began to write. 'This is hypothetical, but I think 'Yes.' Nathan needed to leave Hope Valley in order for me to wake up to my feelings for him. I needed to be shocked out of denial and forced to face truth.'

'I do believe I would eventually have broken the engagement to Lucas. I was just getting brave enough to face truth in that relationship. I was seeing things with Lucas that I didn't care for, like his manipulation, his unwillingness to answer my questions or listen to my concerns or invest in a loving relationship with Jack. Any one of these things would have eventually tipped the scale away from Lucas, but when he was so insensitive and unconcerned in the Infirmary? That was the final piece to awaken me. Lucas was inconvenienced and he didn't like that. I was no longer subject to his control and he didn't like that either. By the time Joseph questioned me, I was ready to write that note to dissolve our engagement. Thank you, Lord, for protecting me and Jack from a disastrous life.'

As Elizabeth contemplated how she might answer Nathan's next question, she became aware of something she hadn't faced. She continued to write. 'Would I expect Nathan to wait indefinitely? Expect? No. I really can't expect that of him, but I can still hope and pray for that now.'

'Do I expect Nathan to take me back easily? 'No' to that as well. It is hard. I know it will be difficult for a while, but it is not impossible.'

"Lord? Please give Nathan and me a second chance? Help him to forget what he saw when I was with Lucas. Help him to keep forgiving me, but forget my interactions, dates and many kisses with Lucas. I have so many regrets…" Elizabeth lifted the handkerchief and wiped her eyes another time.

'The questions about Nathan if I had stayed with Lucas are almost too difficult to contemplate. All I can say is that I know I would still have searched the street for signs of Nathan Grant. We couldn't have been friends because my feelings for Nathan ran too deep. I would probably have seen our friendship dissolve due to Lucas's jealousy of and distaste for Nathan. Yet, I still hope I would have recognized that and broken away from Lucas, even if Nathan wasn't available.'

Here, Elizabeth contemplated that which she had never allowed herself to consider. She shuddered. 'For me the most painful thing would have been watching Nathan date another woman. He would have been more discreet and gentlemanly, but it would have been agony to watch him give his heart to someone else. And yet, that is exactly what I did to him…'

More tears filled her eyes as she choked the admission aloud. "No wonder he left Hope Valley."

Elizabeth gently ran her fingers over Nathan's final words while thinking to herself, then praying. 'He is praying for me! Lord? I am going to hold onto that like a lifeline and I will pray more earnestly for him…and for us… for a future…'

A quiet determination began to form in Elizabeth Thornton's heart. She would not give up. She would find a way… she would fight for love.

Elizabeth heard a soft knock on her bedroom door. "Bessie? It's Dad. May I come in?"

Knowing there was no way to hide her tear-stained face from her father, Elizabeth just said, "Come in."

With one quick glance around Elizabeth's room, William saw the crumpled handkerchiefs and wrinkled bedclothes, before being drawn to his daughter's face. He approached the side of the bed and asked. "May I sit down?"

Elizabeth only nodded as she closed and set aside her journal, wiping her face with her hands.

"Bessie? You want to talk about it?" William offered.

"I don't think so, Dad. Not yet. I think I need to meet with Joseph and Dr. Ben though, then maybe I can share with you?"

At Elizabeth's pleading look, William spoke softly. "That's okay, dear. Would you like me to call Pastor Joseph and Dr. Ben right now? I can ask if they can meet you in the morning?"

"Would you please do that?"

"Gladly, Bessie. Now Bill just arrived, so are you up to coming down for dinner? I can tell you both more details about Nathan and Allie. Bill will understand if you are not talkative!"

"Okay. Please make the calls, Dad, and I'll go freshen up before I come down."

Elizabeth looked at her reflection in the bathroom mirror, then splashed cold water on her face hoping to alleviate some of the redness from her crying. Returning to her room, she changed into a fresh blouse, then brushed her hair and repined one side behind her ear. She tucked a dry handkerchief in her pocket, grabbed her shawl and headed downstairs to hear more about Nathan and Allie Grant.

After dinner and more updates on Nathan and Allie and their lives in Regina, Bill read a bedtime story to Jack in the parlor, then William was called into service to read another when Jack was in bed.

While Grace was in the kitchen, Bill quietly asked Elizabeth if she had heard from Nathan. Noticing her eyes water, Bill wasn't sure if the answer was yes or no!

Nodding, Elizabeth responded. "Yes, I have letters from both Nathan and… oh! I haven't read Allie's letter yet!"

"I am so happy to hear that they both wrote to you. Was Nathan's letter encouraging?" Bill queried, never suspecting the answer he received.

"Not really. Nathan gave me his perspective on our many encounters and it was hard to read. I never understood how gravely I hurt him. Allie too. But, I am not giving up, Bill." Elizabeth took a fortifying breath as she straightened her shoulders. "I am going to keep praying, keep writing and fight for love."

"I am surprised Nathan wasn't encouraging, but as you say, his pain was profound." Bill shook his head sorrowfully. "He is probably hesitant to risk his heart again."

Elizabeth gave Bill a piercing gaze. "How did you know?"

"Know?" Bill questioned. "Know what?

"That Nathan is hesitant to take a risk on me." Elizabeth frowned. "How do you know?"

"I know nothing from Nathan, Elizabeth. But after seeing the pain in his eyes when he had to stand by and watch you and Lucas, I would guess our dear Mountie would calculate his risks. It is something we Mounties do." Bill nodded solemnly. "That's not to say that there isn't any hope or that God can't work a miracle. I think God is in that miracle business and we can pray to that end, asking for an answer that is far beyond what we can imagine or even dream. Don't give up, Elizabeth. Stay in touch with Nathan and keep praying."

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