Disclaimer:  I do not own X-Men: Evolution, nor any other properties used or parodied in this work.  This is done for non-profit fun, and is not meant to infringe on the copyrights of said properties.  This work is rated PG-13 to allow for the occasional foul word, innuendo, or off-color joke.

This first chapter is based on the opening song to the play/movie A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum.  If you aren't familiar with the play, I'd highly recommend buying/renting a copy.  Failing that, the opening song is likely available on KaZaa or any other Napster-successor programs.

And now, let the performance begin…

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An empty stage…

A lone spotlight pierced the darkness, illuminating a small circle of stage.  After a respectable moment of silence, Kurt Wagner, dressed in his Sunday best, walked into the spotlight.  "Readers,"  he proclaimed, "I bid you welcome.  This website is a temple, and we are here to worship the gods of comedy, and tragedy."  Kurt bowed slightly and took a small step back.  "Tonight, I am pleased to announce…"  Kurt looked up with a twinkle in his eye.  "A comedy!"

Several houselights come on, and the music began.  "And we shall employ every device we know in our desire to divert you…"  As the music came to a head, Kurt dramatically stepped forward and began to enthusiastically stride across the stage.

"Something, famil-liar, something, pecul-liar.  Something for ev-'ry-one!"  With a flair, Kurt spun to face the other side of the audience.  "A com-med-dy, to-night!

"Something apea-lling, something appa-lling.  Something for ev-'re-one!"  Again, Kurt struck a pose.  "A com-med-dy, to-night!"

Kurt jumped to the center of the stage and landed on both knees.  "No-thing with Kings," he sang with a quaver to his voice.  "No-thing with crowns.  Bring on the lov-vers, liars, and clow-wns!

"Old sit-ua-tions, new comp-pli-ca-tions…"  Kurt eased himself back to his feet and raised his voice to the balcony.  "No-thing portentous or pol-li—ite!  Tra-ged-dy tom-mor-row!"  Kurt snapped his feet together in a sharp salute.  "Comedy, to-night!"

Behind Kurt, the curtains drew back, and the stage lights reached their full brightness.  Characters burst onto the stage from both sides, and began hurriedly intermingling, and chattering loudly.  With a showman's smile, Kurt backed to stage left to let the spectacle take center stage.  As he did, Lance bumped into an Acolyte, who defensively shoved him aside.  Lance shoved back, and the fight escalated.  With seconds back of the stage had become a brawl.

"Hey!"  Yelled Kurt, stepping back to the front of the stage.  "Tradgedy to-mor-row…"   The ruckus instantly halted under Kurt's withering glare.  "Com-medy to-night!"  After several seconds, the characters sullenly dispersed, each exiting the way they came.

Adjusting the front of his shirt, Kurt turned back to face the front of the stage.  With a forced grin, he gestured for the houselights to dim, and began pacing to his left. "Something expen-sive, something of-fens-sive.  Something for ev-'ry-one!  A com-med-dy to-night!"

Kurt reached the end of the stage and thumbed his chin in mock suaveness.  "Passions, compulsions!  Constant commotions…"  With a dismissive wave Kurt strode back across the stage.  "Something for ev-'ry-one!  A com-med-dy to-night!

"Noth-thing with kings," Kurt continued from center stage.  "Noth-thing with crowns.  Bring on the lov-vers, liars and clow-wns!  Old sit-ua-tions, new comp-pli-ca-tions…"  Kurt stepped up and raised his arm dramatically No-thing portentous or pol-li—ite!"  Kurt brought his arm down in excalamation.  "Tra-ged-dy tom-mor-row!" 

"Com-med-dy to-night!"

"The assistants…"  Kurt proclaimed as he gestured to Scott and Evan, who had just come on stage to help with the last line.  "The stagehands who will be playing the extras in this play."  Kurt winked.  "All of the extras…"

"Something, comp-pul-sive," Kurt continued as the two assistants paced around him. "Something repul-sive. Something for ev-'ry-one!  A com-med-dy to-night!

"Something a-esthet-tic…"

Scott walked in front of Kurt.  "…Something fren-net-tic."

"Something for ev-'ry-one!"  Continued Evan.

All three stepped forward.  "A com-med-dy to-night!"

Kurt took a step back as the assistants leaned forward.  "Nothing with gods.  Nothing with fate!"

"Weighty af-fairs will just have to wa-ait…"  Kurt finished with a grin.

"Nothing that's form-mal," sang Evan.

"Nothing that's norm-mal," concluded Scott with a trace of sarcasm.

"No re-cit-tations to re-ci—ite!"  They added together.

Kurt stepped between the two assistants and the three of them raised their fists in unison.  "Open up the cur-tain…"  Stepping to the side, they all gestured to the back of the stage, where an establishing shot of Bayville and several prop facades were being lowered into place.  "Com-med-dy to-night!"

The assistants scurried offstage, leaving Kurt alone on center stage.  "It all takes place in a street in Bayville," he began.  "Around and about these three houses. "First, the School of Bayville!"  Kurt jumped up the steps of the façade and stood triumphantly at the doorway.  "A place of learning!  And for social interaction, among humans, mutants, and those strange creatures who we call 'girls.'  The School of Bayville is watched over by Kelly, a bespectacled young man, who will someday become a Senator.  But I'm sure you already knew that…"

Jumping down, Kurt strode past the middle façade to the building on the far side of the stage.  "Second, the House of Darkholm!  A place of—"  Kurt stopped short as Lance appeared in the doorway of the Darkholm façade.

"No way, Kurt," Lance angrily began.  "We are not doing this."

Thrown off his rhythm, Kurt glanced back and forth between Lance and the rest of the stage.  "But—  But you have to!"

Lance, with Pietro and Fred behind him, crossed his arms defiantly.  "Kurt, there is no way any of us are dressing in drag and dancing around out there like a bunch of whores."

Beneath his fur, Kurt blushed.  "But—  The script calls for—"

"Hey, what are you guys waiting for?"  Called out Tabitha from behind the façade.  "Hurry up or I won't have enough time to show my moves!"

Pietro looked back with a horrified expression on his face.  "Okay, maybe one of us will."

"That's sick," Lance muttered.  Turning back to Kurt, he continued in a tone that left no room for argument.  "We'll join you for the chorus, but for now…  Just move along, Elf."  Lance moved back through the façade doorway, with Pietro and Fred following him.

As the trio departed, Kurt shrugged and walked over to the middle facade.  "Well, last we have the House of Xavier!  Who lives here with his assistants and students.  Also living here, is Nightcrawler.  Nightcrawler is probably my favorite character in the piece.  A role of enormous variety and nuance…  And played by an actor of such…   Well…  Let me put it this way."  Kurt flashed a sincere grin.  "He's me.

"And now," Kurt loudly proclaimed.  "The entire company…"

Kurt stepped forward and continued singing while character filed onstage behind him.  "Something famil-liar, something pecul-liar.  Something for ev-'ry-one!  A com-med-dy to-night!"

"Something that's gaud-dy," Added Pietro "Something that's bawd-dy," Finished Kitty.

Kurt cut in with a smile "Something for ev-'ry-bawdy!"

"Com-med-dy To-night!"  Finished everyone.

"Nothing that's grim," sang Rogue.

"Nothing that's Greek," added Jean.

Kurt pointed over his shoulder.  "She voices Ran-ma lat-ter this we-ek."

"Stunning sur-pris-ses," sang the women.

"Cunning dis-guis-ses, echoed the men.

"Hun-dreds of actors out of si—ight!"  They chorused together.

"Bod-dysuits and tun-nics!"  Shouted out Scott.

"Sentinals and new-techs!"  Added Forge.

"Fight scenes and chas-ses!"  Trilled Kitty.

"Baritones and bas-ses!"  Bellowed Fred.

"Panderers!"  Added Pietro.

"Philanderes!"  Echoed Evan.

"Timidity!"  Cut in Jamie.

"Stupidity!"  Continued Bobby.

"Mistakes!"  Sang Amara.

"Fakes!"  Shouted Remy.

"Rhymes!"  Yelled Tabitha.

"Mimes!"  Called Lance.

"Tumblers," sang a disjointed series of voices.  "Grumblers, bumblers, bumblers…"

"No roy-yal curse!"  Sang the cast as they finally got synchronized.  "No Trojan Horse!"

Kurt stepped forward.  "And a hap-py ending of cour-rse!"

"Good-ness and bad-ness!"  Chorused the company.

"This will be mad-ness," Scott added as an aside.

"This time it all turns out all ri—ight!"  The company continued.  "Traged-dy to-mor-row!"

"Comedy…"  Sang the actors on stage right.

"Comedy…"  Echoed stage left.

"Comedy…"  They sang together.  "…To-ni—ight!"

As the company held the last note, Kurt stepped forward one last time.  "One!"  He counted as he held up his finger.  "Two!  Three!"  Kurt brought down his hand, ending the music and cutting the light.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------