("I've been watching you for some time
Can't stop staring at those ocean eyes
Burning cities and napalm skies
Fifteen flares inside those ocean eyes Your ocean eyes."

"I've been walking through a world gone blind
Can't stop thinking of your diamond mind
Careful creature made friends with time
He left her lonely with a diamond mind
And those ocean eyes.")

- Billie Eilish, "ocean eyes"

July - August 2020

Age 21

Year 3, Special Agent

Three days after Maya was discharged from the hospital, she ended up back at the academy, and so did Josh, albeit for different reasons.

As he waited in the lobby of the administrations building, he could see out the glass doors onto the center of campus - the grass fields surrounding the academics buildings, and, past that, the operations buildings. It had been just over two years since they had last stepped foot in the place that they had grown up in, but nothing had changed. Everyone he saw looked so much younger, though, including his little brother, who was on campus for summer intake exams and evaluations in preparation for his start at the academy in his first year. Part of him wondered what the hell Auggie was walking into, but he knew he couldn't protect his brother any more than he had been able to protect Riley.

"Joshua."

Josh's face snapped back to the entry to the hallway, where his mother was standing with her hands clasped in front of her waist. Her face was emotionless, unreadable, just as it always was, and she didn't wait for him to follow as she turned and walked briskly back into the belly of the administrations building, Josh scrambling up to hurry behind her.

As they entered the director's office, Topanga walked around to take a seat at her desk, opening a file that had been resting plainly over her otherwise spotless work station. Josh could see his operations entry application and a scan of his agent ID card, as well as his photo from the day he'd been accepted as a supervisory special agent.

Josh stopped six feet from his mother's desk and straightened his back, clasping his hands behind his back as he opened his mouth to begin his script. "Supervisory Special Agent Joshua Matthews, ID number 2017002, current assignment Elite team Peach-"

"There's no one else here," Topanga cut in, her eyes still scanning Josh's file as she flipped a page. "I don't need you to summarize what I already know about my son."

Josh fell silent, fighting the urge to fidget as he watched his mom go over whatever it was she was reading, until she finally looked up a few moments later.

"I allowed you to submit a hiatus while Agent Hart was in recovery, but don't think that I'm blind as to what is going on in your team," she declared, her eyes intent on his.

Josh swallowed as he breathed rhythmically, doing his best to control his heartbeat, unsure what she'd meant. "Ma'am?"

"I believed that your team could break the pattern that other elite teams had fallen into because I raised you to be the best, I raised you to follow the rules. Do I need to remind you what those are?"

"I understand the rules, Ma'am," Josh assured her carefully, although he was very curious what 'pattern' his mother was talking about.

"Frankly, I don't care about whatever emotional attachment you have formed between the members of your team, as long as it doesn't affect your work. I need to know that you can be objective."

"I can be objective," Josh insisted.

"Really?" Topanga raised her eyebrows. "Because the objectively correct choice for the team would have been for you to continue working with Agent Friar and Agent Matthews. The most effective choice would have been to let our medics do their work while Agent Hart recovered. There was no reason for you to take a hiatus when there is nothing you could have done to improve her condition."

"I was trained to lead my team, and that includes trust, and the assumption of my team members that I will care about their well being," Josh recited what he'd been practicing for a month. He took a controlled breath. "Agent Hart recovered in record time and she's currently being field tested to-"

"I am fully aware of how Agent Hart recovered so quickly," Topanga informed him sharply, narrowing her eyes, "and of how you were able to manipulate Agent Minkus into breaking the rules with you and performing experimental treatment without being approved. The Science & Technology department is reviewing Agent Minkus's case to decide what disciplinary action will be taken against him." She stood up. "I have not been objective towards you. I used my bond with you to bend rules and allow you leeway because I believed that I knew you could handle your team in the best way you could."

"Madam Director," Josh reminded her, "my team has unquestionably succeeded in over a hundred assigned missions. We have arguably been the most effective team in two years in history, and I believe it is because of my judgment on the best courses of actions based on my knowledge of each member's personality, just as I was trained. Just as you trained me to do."

Topanga's expression tightened as she stared at him. "I do still believe that it would be less productive to disband your team than to allow you to continue to make subjective choices in leadership. But you know that developing emotional complications can risk your teammates and the success of missions, and if it becomes clear that your lack of discipline affects your team, I and my administration will take the necessary actions to either remedy this or to remove you as a leader, or remove you from the team entirely. Do not," she leaned forward emphatically, "make me do that, Joshua."

Josh nodded curtly. "I won't. Thank you, Madam Director."

"You passed?" Josh assumed as Maya sat down next to him on the helicarrier that would drop them off back near the safe house, and she nodded.

"Even considering how much time I was laid up in bed, it was easy." She strapped herself into the seat and then looked up at him. "How about you?"

"I wish I had been here for a field test. That would have been much less nerve-wracking."

"I don't envy you," Maya agreed. "What did she say?"

"She reprimanded me for putting my emotions above missions and the team," Josh admitted, his eyes flicking away from hers. "I told her that I could still make the best decisions for the team."

"I believe that," Maya assured him. "Did she?"

"She believes that we're still successful enough to justify letting me continue how I lead the team," Josh stated. "And that if we aren't, she'll remove me."

Maya's eyes widened. "She can't do that."

"She's the director," Josh pointed out, "she can do whatever she wants."

Maya's eyebrows creased in worry. "What happens if she does?"

Josh looked down at her. "I intend not to find out."

After settling back into the safe house, things went (relatively) back to normal. A couple missions a month, off days spent together or apart. While he and Maya had been away, Riley and Lucas had virtually had the house to themselves when not on missions together, and Josh had definitely noticed a difference in his sister.

Lucas had been right, as much as Josh didn't want to give him credit. Riley had spent so long depending on him to help her grow that she hadn't known how to do it herself, and she hadn't wanted to learn. But after six months of reverting back and then accepting help from him again, she had clearly changed, different from the way she'd developed emotions while in the academy.

He could see the way that Lucas looked at her; they all knew that he loved her. And even if no one else could see it, Josh knew Riley loved him back. He'd known her her whole life, he could see minuscule details that wouldn't be visible to someone who hadn't watched every part of her and every version develop over their lifetime.

Riley was developing an emotional complication, and Josh knew that for Riley, it would be a problem.

She was pushing it down; everyone could see that. She didn't want to let herself open up to that weakness. Everything that their mom had drilled into her, Riley's desperate need to live up to what their mom had been was breaking under the weight of her emotions.

And Josh knew there were only two ways that this could end.

The colors on his screen seemed inverted as his eyes flicked over the words over and over again.

For over a month, while Maya was in recovery, Josh had dodged thinking about the reason that she had been there.

Because he knew exactly why she had been there.

He'd made a choice and she had suffered the consequences for him, and he knew in his bones that he would not let that happen again, no matter what it took. No matter what he needed to do. He was dancing on the edge of a cliff, holding Maya with him, and if he needed to jump to save her-

"What are you up to?"

Josh slammed his laptop shut at the voice of the exact person he'd been thinking about, his heart pounding in his chest as he looked up at the blonde who had entered his bedroom, even though the door had been closed.

"What are you doing in here?"

Maya frowned. "I think the better question is what are you doing in here?"

Josh stood up from his desk, leaving the laptop closed as he moved in front of it unconsciously. "This is my bedroom."

"Whatever it is that you've been hiding from us for months needs to come out now," Maya pressed. "We've all noticed it."

"There are things that I have to do as the leader of this team that the rest of you don't need to worry about. That's my job."

"Worry about, or know about?" Maya pointed out, crossing her arms as her blue eyes narrowed. "There's a difference between you needing to do a little more paperwork, and you actively hiding something from us."

"Stop questioning my leadership," Josh ordered, his voice taking on the tone of authority that he knew she would recognize.

She uncrossed her arms and straightened her back, stiffly standing her ground. "Don't hide behind your superiority complex, Josh. You're a leader, not a boss. We work with you, not for you. So tell me what's going on."

"Leave."

Maya's eyes widened at the command, clearly in genuine shock. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me, Agent Hart," Josh stated, crossing his own arms.

Maya clenched her jaw, anger starting to claw its way out. "No."

Josh stepped forward to forcefully escort her out, but she slipped easily around him and was at his desk with his laptop open before he could even turn around. She was met with a password wall to open the computer, but the damage was already done.

Josh stalked towards her, fear of what she might have done manifesting itself into anger that she'd violated his privacy and disobeyed him, and he saw her take a few steps back, her face paling. She knew she'd made a mistake.

"Josh."

All Josh could see was what she could have done.

"Josh!"

Josh grabbed her arm and yanked her away from the desk, walking her across the room and shoving her against the door the same way he'd done a dozen times. But the energy was different this time. He was furious.

"Josh," Maya's voice was quiet, though her breathing was quick. "Don't."

"Don't?" Josh asked, his voice very much not quiet. "You disobeyed my direct order and violated my trust, and you are telling me not to do something?"

"Don't let your emotions control you," Maya said, her voice shaking a little. "This is exactly what you did the first time we met."

Josh shoved away from her, leaving her back to the door as he turned and walked back towards his desk a bit before turning to face her again. "What the hell do you have to say for yourself?"

Maya stayed exactly where she was. "You're keeping something from us, from me! And whatever the hell it is is-"

"I'm protecting you," Josh growled.

"I don't need your protection," Maya shot back. "I'm a better fighter, I'm faster, I'm more flexible, I'm the best. You don't need to protect me!"

"Yes I do," Josh insisted frustratedly, throwing his hands up. "This isn't an enemy to fight. This is something much more dangerous and you can't defend yourself against it!"

"Against what?!" Maya yelled, moving forward to shove at his chest. "Tell me what you're afraid of! For god's sake - this is the point of a team, Agent Matthews! We work together, we watch each other's backs, we're stronger together, so give up your damn pride and tell me why you're doing this!"

Josh's hands reached out of their own accord to latch around Maya's upper arms and pull her towards him, his grip welded to her skin. "Everything that I have done for the past two years has been to protect you," he said, his voice low between the two of them as she glared at him, their eyes six inches apart. "And I'm not going to stop now. You want a reason, Maya?"

"Please." Her voice had gone tight, simply desperate for answers.

"I protected you from administration. I protected you from Lucas finding out. I protected you when I chose to go on missions that I knew could end badly instead of sending you. I am the team leader and I chose to protect you over everything else. Every choice that I have made to protect you has been the wrong choice for the team. I allowed myself to break rule number one - I created an emotional complication. I broke all the rules for you, because I love you." His voice broke a little as her lips parted in shock, and he shuddered a bit as her hair brushed his wrist, his eyes flicking between each of hers, searching for answers. "And when you got hurt, when I thought you were going to die, Maya-" He clenched his jaw, his forehead moving a few inches closer to hers though his eyes didn't waver. "That was my fault. I didn't protect you. Nothing else mattered in that moment. I was not objective, I was emotional and that is exactly why the rules exist in the first place. Every single thing I did that day was wrong because I put you and my morals above what I had to do, and it resulted in you almost dying, Maya," he finally bridged the distance between them as their foreheads brushed against each other, "and I can't let that happen again."

A/N: Yeah so that happened.

Things are speeding up, and we're approaching part 3, post safe house. Everything changes in part 3. But everything that everyone does in part 3 is because they love someone more than anything.

I've got a bunch of part 3 pieces written to be put in chapters already but idk when anything will be posted, so... sorry.

Kisses,

C