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A Study room in Bayville High…
Lance Alvers and Pietro Maximoff sat attentively behind a desk arranged near the far wall. Both kids were clad in their normal civilian attire, yet seemed better groomed than usual. The boys each had a token stack of paper in front of them, and cordially faced the screen.
"Hey guys," greeted Lance, with just a touch of bravado. "Welcome to the human interests segment of this week's video announcements."
Pietro smirked and picked up the thread. "As I'm sure you've all picked up on by now, this is the segment in which a couple of us in the tele-journalism class get to pick an issue, and open it up for public discussion."
Lance leaned forward on the desk. "Although between you and me, I'll bet a lot of you haven't picked up on that. 'Cause if you've been like me, you've been too busy sleeping through this segment." Lance flashed a sincere grin. "Don't worry though, not today."
While Lance had been talking, Pietro had begun folding a paper airplane out of the top sheet on his stack. "That's right, folks. Because today Lance and I have a different format planned. Instead of just mindlessly talking amongst ourselves, or inviting a few of our friends over for some wannabe edition of Crossfire…" Pietro finished his creation and lobbed it at the camera. "We've decided to take the issue to you. Today's clip will feature you, the students and faculty who I've had a chance to catch up with over this past week."
"There's been growing tension around campus, and indeed around the world," continued Lance. "And as journalists, it is our responsibility—nay…" Lance put his hand to his heart. "It is our duty to bring these tensions to light." Lance gave a meaningful pause while he and Pietro looked proud. The moment passed. Lance turned to Pietro. "So Pietro, the question of the day… "Why do the French suck so much?"
"Well Lance," responded Pietro, "I can't answer that alone. But lets see what the people… Have to say."
Both boys turned to face the camera, and the clips of Pietro's interviews began playing.
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The school commons…
"French fries," said Fred Dukes, holding up a handful of ketchup covered fries. "I think they're really from Belgium or something. Trust the French to rip off the little guy's one claim to fame…"
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The Bayville field house…
"My girlfriend and I had a date last Saturday," started a random student. "We held hands, kissed, had a great time. But when I tried French kissing her, I got slapped." The kid shrugged in resignation.
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The cafeteria…
"Louie XIV." Rogue was leaning low on the table, glowering at the camera. Risty was perched next to her, looking on with interest and her usual smile. "Take everything wrong with women's fashion," Rogue continued, "an' put it on a guy. An' then make that guy a King. Thanks a lot for that mental image, guys…"
Risty waved her hand and looked away. "Oh, come on Rogue, it wasn't that bad. Well, not for the time, but…" Risty looked around, trying to keep a straight face. "Oh, why not.."
Risty stood on her chair and threw out her arms. "Hop off, you Frogs!" She proclaimed.
Students in the background paused and looked at her.
Risty sat back down with a delirious grin on her face. Rouge raised an eyebrow.
"What can I say?" Laughed Risty, looking at the camera. "The Channel is wider than the Atlantic."
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The hallways…
Kurt Wagner rubbed the back of his neck uneasily. "Not zat we're particularly proud of it back home, but ve really did cream the French back in Vorld Var Two… Zey are kinda wussy, zat way."
Beside Kurt, Evan Daniels rolled his eyes. "Yeah. Who would eeeeever figure the Germans might come through Belgium…"
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A classroom…
"Napoleon Bonaparte," stated a short boy. "He tried to invade Russia. Without winter uniforms. Ask any Sicilian... Only an idiot gets involved in a land war in Asia."
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The parking lot…
"Two words," responded a young art teacher as he leaned against his car. "Hoiyle! Froin-laven…"
"Say what?" Asked Pietro from behind the camera.
The teacher shrugged indifferently. "Jerry Lewis. Old comedian. Stupid, but the French love him."
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The cafeteria…
With several of her friends standing around behind her, one of the 'fashion girls' looked at the camera. "Think of the movies. The British have James Bond. The French have the French Maid. Put them together, and the French get f—"
The clip cut out before the girl could finish her observation.
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The Library…
Sitting behind a computer, the school's Senior Librarian sniffed at the camera. "Their idea of tact involves testing a hydrogen bomb on the 50th anniversary of the Hiroshima bombing."
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The home economics room…
"The French put a lot of stock in fancy restaurants," began a young teacher as she tied her apron around her waist. "And they have a company that goes around specifically to grade fancy restaurants. A few months back, a chef from one of the restaurants committed suicide. Other chefs blamed the grading company for downgrading the chef's restaurant." The teacher glanced at some students who were starting to file in, then back at the camera. "Such a pity…"
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The parking lot…
"The French Revolution," answered Scott Summers as he tossed his backpack into the back of his convertible. Leaning against his door, Scott turned back to the camera. "'Why don't we take everything the Americans did right with their revolution, and do something else!'" Scott shook his head dismissively. "Idiots."
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A classroom…
"Ever see Man in the Iron Mask?" Asked a random student as he waited for the opening bell to ring. "Leonardo DiCaprio played the King of France. 'Nuff said, right there."
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The Chemistry Lab…
"They eat Frogs over there!" Squealed a freshmen girl. "Frogs! Can you imagine?! Like eating Kermit…"
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The hallways…
"The French?" Asked a blond, looking at the camera. "They're like that Tolanski kid. They bathe once a month, whether they need it or not."
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The school commons…
"Why wouldn't you loath them?" Asked a girl with a grown-out dye-job. "They're nothing but a bunch of cheese-eating surrender monkeys. Even their flag is made for surrender." The girl made a few pantomiming gestures. "Cut off the sides, tie the center to a stick, and you're already prepared to give up."
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The cafeteria kitchens…
The chief lunch-lady set down the carbonation cylinder she had been moving. "Their greatest cultural contributions have been spoiled grape juice and moldy milk."
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The computer lab…
A techie boy pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "The French have a ministry specifically to try to control their language. The ministry tries to do that by banning new foreign words from use in government documents. They've banned things like 'start-up' companies, and replaced it with the French equivalent of 'young plant' companies." The kid shrugged. "That's just sad, really…"
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A classroom…
"Jean Jacques Russo," muttered a student as he idly paged through his history textbook. "What a dingbat…"
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The commons…
"I saw one of those internet who-would-win fight-sites a while back," began a boy who was seated with his friends around a table. "One of the matches pitted the entire French Army against a stadium full of English Soccer Hooligans." The kid smirked. "One of the biggest blow-outs on record."
One of the other boys chuckled. "I saw a match-up like that put all of France against Frank Castle. The best argument for the French was that the Punisher wouldn't survive long enough eating only French food."
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The hallways…
Looking back from her open locker, a cheerleader paused. "Have you read any of the Hercule Poirot books? He's gotta be one of the lamest detectives out there. Even the dumbest incarnation of Watson could kick him around a some…"
The girl rolled her eyes. "And don't even get me started on Inspector Clouseau…"
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By the bleachers…
"Think of their sports," began Duncan Mathews. The starting Quarterback was slightly sweaty, and decked out in a practice uniform and full padding, sans the helmet. "They've got nothing. Cricket is a joke. A long, drawn-out bad joke. They're so obsessed with soccer that they can't even get its name right. And rugby…" Duncan brought up his arm, which was tightly clenching the mask of his helmet and clearly showing his muscles. With half-hooded eyes, the boy looked back at the camera. "Well… If it doesn't require body armor, it's just not worth playing…"
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The principle's office…
Principle Kelly leaned back in his chair, and idly began tapping his fingers on his desk. "The French? The French are interesting…
"In a historical sense, the French have a couple of recurring tendencies. Along with the rest of Northwestern Europe they are typically at the forefront of new trends. The British—and we Americans—tend to back away form the trend, but slowly integrate it into normal society. But the French have a tendency to leap heedlessly into new trends. Things just tend to be bloodier in France. Compared to what happened in France, the Industrial and Democratic Revolutions of the 18th Century had a much more benign impact of British and American cultural life…
"The French also tend to be rather aggressive, diplomatically. They want Europe supreme in the world, and France supreme in Europe. That meant intense French activities during colonialization. It also means that France actively bumped head with the rising powers of Central and Eastern Europe. More recently, it has meant greater attempted French involvement in world affairs. However, with the passing of the their empire and the eclipse of Europe by America and possibly by Asia, it means France has struggled to play a role beyond that which they have the power to attain. They cling to their memories of being a great power, yet have neither the will nor the might to influence the great powers of today."
Seemingly lost in thought, Principle Kelly idly swiveled in his chair. "They assume the mantle of a diplomatic super-power. As you students would say, they 'talk the talk.' But repeatedly in the last century, they have failed to 'walk the walk.' Since World War I, they have been using 'diplomacy' as a cover to avoid any conflict whatsoever. Before World War II, they failed to honor their treaties with Czechoslovakia and or the rest of Eastern Europe. As the 'natural' leaders of Europe, they failed to meaningfully intervene in the Balkan crisis of the mid 90s. More recently, they acted as though the Gulf War II, as I've heard it dubbed, was nothing more than a political power play. France, and others, unanimously passed resolution 1441, yet refused to support any enforcement of the resolution's terms. Indeed, there were over 15 previous resolutions against Iraq, and France was even pushing not to enforce some of those. Specifically, they had been calling for the lifting of certain sanctions leveled against Saddam's regime." Kelly paused for a moment. "That was before the war, I should add.
"Ah, Iraq," Mused Kelly. "The French have some interesting ties to Iraq. As a major conventional arms dealer, France had supplied Iraq with a good deal of its military hardware. Something to the tune of 20%. Coincidently," Kelly added as an aside, "another 70% was supplied by Russia and China. The axis of peace… At one point, there was a French reform candidate that called for France to get out of the arms business. However, as soon as he was elected, he was forced to renege on that belief. Simple pragmatism. Seeing how much of France was dependent on arms manufacturing changed his mind."
"You mean Chirac?" Pietro asked from behind the camera.
Principle Kelly thoughtfully rubbed his chin for a moment. "No. I don't quite recall who that was at the moment. But I truly don't think it was Chirac.
"However, the good Monsieur Chirac does have some strong ties to the weapon's industry, as well as our good buddy Saddam. Been reading about it lately." Kelly briefly glanced up at the camera. "Con Coughlin's SADDAM: King of Terror for any interested civics students…" Kelly chuckled, amused at how odd he had sounded. "Chirac and Saddam penned a Franco-Iraqi Nuclear Cooperation Treaty, which let Iraq start up its nuclear program back in the 70s and 80s. One passage of the treaty explicitly stated that 'all persons of Jewish race' would be excluded from the program. In both nations. Rather telling, would you say?"
"Yeah," responded Pietro from behind the camera. "Wow, sir, you're really into this politics stuff."
Kelly smiled, somewhat self-consciously, and leaned back in his chair. "Well, what can I say? It's a hobby."
"Democrat or Republican?" Pietro immediately joked. "Y'know, so we know which side of the ballot to look on in 2004."
"I don't believe you'll be old enough to vote in that election, Mister Maximoff." Kelly chuckled to himself. "Besides, it's best to set one's sights a little lower, and then work your way up from there."
"The Legislature, then?"
Leaning back in his chair, Kelly smiled. "It's never too late to dream, Mister Maximoff."
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The study room…
Lance and Pietro stared silently at the camera for a moment, betraying the inexperience of the video announcement editing crew.
"Well, folks," began Pietro, suddenly perking up. "You have spoken. We'd like to thank everyone that took the time to answer our questions. Your help was valuable, even if your response didn't make it onto our show."
"But, hey," continued Lance. "We may get to you eventually. Because you never know when we will once again go in search of…" Lance let his voice trail off before continuing with a forced emphasis. "Yet Another Reason to Loath the French. I'm Lance Alvers," he finished, calmly straightening his papers.
"And I'm Pietro Maximoff," added Pietro. "Next up, Sports."
The camera cut to a screen displaying a list of students involved in the post-production of the segment. The names were super-imposed over a French flag that had a red 'banned' emblem in front of it. The screen was only up for a few seconds, during which a very familiar voice- over was played.
"Now, go a-way, or I shall taunt you a second time!"
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