Marvel Headquarters, New York City, sometime in 2002…
"Hey, bub," started Wolverine, looking across the table. "You got any extras of those?"
Taking a long drag off his half burned cigar, Wolverine looked back through hooded eyes. "Yeah. What's it to ya?"
"What do you think, ya bastard?!" Snarled the first Wolverine. "I want one!"
The Second Wolverine smirked as he mockingly laid the cigar in the ashtray. "Language," he chided. "We're in the presence of sensitive ears…" Wolverine laughed as he prepared to take another drag of smoke.
Slightly irritated, Wolverine pulled a toothpick out of his mouth. "Language doesn't both me," he responded with a hint of anger. "I just don't have a reason to use it. Small words for small minds, y'know…"
Wolverine and Wolverine looked at each other, and grunted dismissively.
The pretentious character with the toothpick was Evolution-Wolverine. The youngest of the Big Four, he was often looked down upon for being a 'wussy,' and for having to abide by the rules of Saturday Morning Television. Evolution-Wolverine himself was not bothered by his situation, and actually embraced them full-heartedly. Indeed, in interacting with others, he often seemed to have a chip on his shoulder. Evolution-Wolverine wore a Byrne-inspired orange-and-brown 'Hunter' spandex uniform, with a cowl that had been pulled back and was lying like a hood around the base of his neck. His hair was swept back and a hint of stubble grew on his face, yet his features still had a unique crispness to them.
The character smoking the cigar was Movie-Wolverine. Clad the hoodless black latex and rubber suit he had worn for the original movie, Movie-Wolverine had the build and face of Hugh Jackman. Admittedly, a very haggard face of Hugh Jackman. He had mutton chop sideburns, swept back hair, and an extremely unkempt two-week beard.
The third Wolverine present was Ultimate-Wolverine, who hailed from the Ultimate line of comics. The most unhindered and bloodthirsty of the three, he often had problems keeping his temper in check. Ultimate-Wolverine was significantly taller than the others, and wore a dark blue and yellow spandex costume—though not the classic yellow-with-blue-stripes costume—with no hood and an assortment of useless straps and packets. Ultimate-Wolverine actually had bluish hair, which was somewhat cleanly swept back, and had a reverse-triangle goatee on his chin.
Abruptly all three Wolverines sniffed the air.
"About time," Muttered Evolution-Wolverine.
"What a surpri-ise…" Mocked Ultimate Wolverine, in a loud voice meant to be heard outside the meeting room. "Ja—aaames is late."
The door opened, and in walked Comic-Wolverine, star of New X-Men, Uncanny X-Men, the recent Origin mini-series, and his self-titled Wolverine. Comic-Wolverine was clad in one of the 'hip, new' street costumes. The costume consisted of off-the-shelf combat boots, black pants, a black shirt, and a black leather jacket with glaring yellow embroidery. His face was scrunched up, and half-day stubble covered his face.
"Can it, bub," Comic-Wolverine immediately retorted. "I don't wanna hear it."
Evolution-Wolverine smirked and leaned slightly closer to Movie-Wolverine. "Yeah," he whispered. "All he wants to hear is that there's a fresh bottle of Pepto-Bismol in the cupboard." Movie Wolverine snickered in response.
"For the last time," Yelled Comic-Wolverine. "I am not constipated! This is just how I look now."
"Well," Movie-Wolverine mumbled back to Evolution-Wolverine. "It's how he looks three issues out of the year." The two Wolverines again snickered to themselves.
Comic-Wolverine growled and took a seat at the meeting table.
"Hey bub," started Ultimate-Wolverine, nudging Comic-Wolverine. "You got a smoke?"
"No," Comic-Wolverine snorted. "They're still enforcing the ban on me…"
Ultimate-Wolverine's eyes narrowed, and his gaze lingered on Movie-Wolverine. Noticing the look, Movie-Wolverine took a long drag on the cigar.
Sniffing the air again, Evolution-Wolverine sat up in his chair.
"Oh, what a surprise," Ultimate-Wolverine repeated. "Joe Quesanda is la—aaaate…"
The door opened, and Joe Quesanda, Editor In Chief of Marvel Comics, stepped into the room. The EIC was a man about 35 years of age, average height and slightly heavy build, and dressed in casual attire. "Good morning, gentlemen," he cordially began. "I'm glad you could make it. Please, have a seat."
Seated around the meeting table, all four Wolverines glowered at Joe.
Ignoring their looks, Joe took a seat and set his briefcase on the table.
"Okay, bub," started Comic-Wolverine, who saw himself as the natural leader of the group. "Why'd you want to talk to us all this time? You gunna lift the smoking ban, or what?"
Caught off guard for half a second, Joe shook his head dismissively. "Of course not, Logan. Smoking is dangerous and unhealthy, and it's not something we're going to promote in our products."
"I'll show you dangerous…" Grumbled Ultimate-Wolverine under his breath.
Movie-Wolverine looked at his cigar, now just a stub, and took one last drag before dropping it in the ashtray.
"So what do you want to talk to us about?" Prompted Evolution-Wolverine, who was still chewing on his toothpick.
"Well, I guess I should just cut to the thick of it." Joe opened his briefcase, and pulled out four clipped stacks of paper. He handed the four packs to Comic-Wolverine, and nodded slightly to indicate that he should pass them on. Comic-Wolverine tossed three of the stacks to Ultimate-Wolverine, and began flipping through his own stack. Seeing nothing but flow-charts and numbers, he closed the packed disgustedly. After seeing his reaction, the other Wolverines ignored their own stacks.
"I've been talking to the boys in marketing," continued Joe, oblivious to their reactions. "As I'm sure you all know, you are one of our most popular and well-known characters here at Marvel."
"One of?" Balked Comic-Wolverine.
"You are also one of our most recognizable characters," continued Joe, oblivious. "In addition to representing the X-Men-(tm) on both page and screen, we've been using your likeness on a number of other venues. Action figures, T-shirts, lunchboxes, collectable cards, and the like. The thing is…" Joe help up his hands in a Yuppie-like gesture for emphasis. "The boys in marketing are worried that we're diluting your image."
Evolution-Wolverine leaned forward on the table. "How so?"
"Well," continued Joe, holding up his hands again. "Think of it like this; an eight year old kid goes to a toy store, and picks up a shiny new Wolverine-(tm) action figure. Of course, he's going to love it. And of course, he's going to start looking for Wolverine-(tm) products in other venues. But…" Again, Joe paused for emphasis. "What if the Wolverine-(tm) used in that other venue isn't the same Wolverine-(tm) that was used for the figure? He's going to get confused, isn't he?"
Joe glanced around the table, and saw a sea of dumbfounded faces. "Back up, there," prompted Movie-Wolverine.
Joe laid his hands on the table. "The point is this, gentlemen. The boys in marketing think that having multiple incarnations of our Wolverine-(tm) product is counterproductive. In order to maximize cross-venue consumption, it is in our best interests to use the same Wolverine-(tm) image on all venues."
"You're saying you're going to ditch us?!" Angrily demanded Ultimate-Wolverine.
"No, no, of course not," soothed Joe. "We here at Marvel Enterprises fully intend to keep all of you around as long as you are financially viable. We just think that we should have more… Conformity… Among our Wolverine-(tm) products. So that people can more easily recognize Wolverine-(tm) in any venue, and to follow that product into other venues!" Clearly proud of his reasoning, Joe smiled across the table.
"…Let me get this straight…" Growled Evolution-Wolverine. "You want to change my image—all of our images—just so people don't confuse me…" Evolution-Wolverine trailed off, then jerked his thumb towards Ultimate-Wolverine. "…With him?"
"Exactly," confirmed Joe. "If a young kid falls in love with the X-Men-(tm) because of your show, and then wants to read the comics as well, we wouldn't want them to be scared off by the fact that the core characters all look different."
Evolution-Wolverine stared at Joe, with one eye twitching nervously. "Then why'd you cancel my comic?" He asked weakly.
Movie-Wolverine cocked his head to the side. "I thought you said 8 year old comics readers were a myth. So how come you're pandering to 'em now?"
"Logan," Joe again soothed. "We're not 'pandering' to anyone. We're simply tweaking everyone's image so that you all look more alike. You everyone can identify you all as the same Wolverine-(tm)."
"What, the claws don't give it away?" Balked Movie-Wolverine.
"But we're not the same!" Standing up, Evolution-Wolverine angrily slammed his hand down on the table. "We're different because we're targeted to a different audiences! The comics are targeting to aging fan-boys. The movie to people in general. I am targeted specifically for the teen-and-under crowd! I don't want any of my fans mistaking me for that fowl-mouthed, slime-ball, murdering, pedophile!" Evolution-Wolverine thrust his hand towards Ultimate-Wolverine to emphasize his remark.
"Hey!" Ultimate-Wolverine jumped up, sending his chair tumbling backwards.
"He's got a point," interjected Movie-Wolverine, angrily, but still calmly, "That was pretty sick."
"Bullshit." Swore Ultimate-Wolverine. "She was seventeen!"
"I think that's kinda the point," injected Comic-Wolverine. "His Jean is seventeen as well."
"Like you two have any room to talk." Ultimate-Wolverine snarled. "He's just jealous that he doesn't have the balls to go after her."
Snikt!
"All, right, bub…" With his claws popped, Evolution-Wolverine lowered his stance.
Snikt!
Ultimate-Wolverine lunged forward, only to be hastily restrained by Comic-Wolverine. Evolution-Wolverine snarled, while Movie-Wolverine put his arm in front of the man to try to calm him down.
"Logan, Logan, Logan!" Soothed Joe in a rather loud voice. "Logan…" He finished after a slight pause. "Settle down. Remember, we're all on the same team here. We're all part of that great Wolverine-(tm) franchise."
With one last grunt, Evolution-Wolverine retracted his claws. "What's this 'we' garbage?" He muttered under his breath. With the immediate crisis over, Movie-Wolverine sat back down. After another moment of grumbling, so did Comic-Wolverine and Ultimate-Wolverine.
"So!" Continued Joe, oblivious to any remaining tensions. "With that out of your systems, why don't I take you down to the costume division, and I'll show you all your new looks?" Standing up, Joe flashed a business-like smile at the quartet.
Ultimate-Wolverine crossed his arms and sulked.
Comic-Wolverine sneered.
Movie-Wolverine skeptically raised an eyebrow.
Evolution Wolverine pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed.
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The Marvel Enterprises costume division…
With an impassive expression, Ultimate-Wolverine stepped out of a dressing room with essentially the same costume as he wore before. He grunted at Joe Quesanda, who was standing by the doorway looking proud of himself, then leaned against the far wall.
Movie-Wolverine was the next to step out of a dressing room. Movie-Wolverine still had the same build and face of a scruffy Hugh Jackman, but was wearing the black latex costume designed for the sequel.
Out of the far dressing room came Comic-Wolverine, whose hair was neatly greased back, and whose beard had been cleaned into a small goatee closely resembling that worn by Ultimate-Wolverine. Comic Wolverine tugged self-consciously at his ill-fitting black and yellow jacket, and glanced around the room.
The last door creaked open, and Evolution-Wolverine reluctantly stepped out. Gone were any remnants of his hunter costume. Instead, he wore a plain deep-navy sleeveless bodysuit with two golden stripes on each shoulder and a circular x-emblem on the upper left torso. The look was complimented by black combat boots, a utility belt, short cuffed gloves, and some random black straps around his forearms. Evolution-Wolverine took one look around and shook his head dejectedly.
"So!" Beamed Joe, oblivious to the mood of the room. "What do you think."
"None of us are wearing cowls," muttered Evolution-Wolverine as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. "We're not Wolverine unless we have a costume with a cowl!"
"Nonsense," refuted Joe. "You've still got you're claws! Besides, masks and cowls are for silly superheroes."
"Like Batman," muttered Movie-Wolverine as he wearily leaned against a wall.
Joe laughed far too loudly. "Yes, like that tired, old, irrelevant character from the Distinguished Competition. I mean, look at him!" Joe threw up his hands in another yuppie gesture. "He's still dressed like he was half a century ago. But we'll show him…" Turning to leave, Joe absently waved his hand at the newly redesigned Wolverines. "So go show 'em, boys!"
With his eyes closer to watering than they've ever been before or since, Evolution-Wolverine looked down at his black suit and utility belt. "I'm dressed like he was fifty years ago…" He weakly muttered.
Catching Joe's enthusiasm, and with his ego boosted by his unchanged appearance, Ultimate-Wolverine balled his fist in a triumphant gesture. "Yeah!" He yelled. "We'll show 'em who's tops! X-Men Forever!"
"Or at least until Jim Lee starts his run on Batman…" Muttered Movie-Wolverine, still leaning against the wall.
Ultimate-Wolverine spat in disgust. "Bullshit. You really think that has-been hack can do twelve issues in a row? Do think anyone is still gunna care?" Ultimate-Wolverine laughed derisively.
Stupefied, Comic-Wolverine's mouth began moving, but no sound came out.
Movie-Wolverine crossed his arms skeptically.
Evolution-Wolverine heaved a sigh and looked forlornly over his shoulder.
With his hand trembling with barely controlled rage, Comic-Wolverine jabbed his finger against Ultimate-Wolverine's chest. "Do not…" He stuttered. "Do not! Insult. Lee!"
Not taking the hint, Ultimate Wolverine mockingly leaned forward. "Oh? Why not? You got something for him?"
Snikt!
Taking a measured step back, Comic-Wolverine lowered himself into a combat stance. "Jim Lee is the greatest penciler to ever draw an X-Man. He made us who we are today. He's the reason we ruled the 90's. And you…" Comic-Wolverine's head tilted intently to the side. "You half-assed excuse for a rip off… Are not even fit to lick his boots."
Ultimate-Wolverine looked on in astonished silence for one second. "You gawdamn sonovabit—"
Comic-Wolverine leapt forward in classic fashion, with his chest puffed out, legs tucked behind him, arms pulled back, and claws splayed out to the side.
Snikt!
Movie-Wolverine grunted as the brawl began beside him.
Thoroughly dejected and not even acknowledging the others, Evolution-Wolverine left the room.
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Marvel Enterprises main office…
Evolution-Wolverine stepped into the reception area, and half-heartedly sniffed the air. Glancing to the side, he saw three figures talking next to the water cooler. Leaning against the wall was Fox-Animated-Series-Wolverine, a short and overly muscled hairy character who wore the classic blue-and-yellow stripes Wolverine costume. Standing next to him, with his arms crossed, was Pryde-of-the-X-Men-Wolverine, who was clad in the authentic brown-and-orange 'Hunter' outfit. Evolution-Cyclops, in his black and gold jumpsuit, had his arm propped against the water cooler and was talking with the two Wolverines.
Heaving a sigh, Evolution-Wolverine walked up and put his hand on Evolution-Cyclops' shoulder. "Okay kid," he muttered, "meeting's over. Time to go back to the studio."
With their conversation interrupted, Fox-Animated-Series-Wolverine and Pryde-of-the-X-Men-Wolverine looked up at Evolution-Wolverine. After taking a moment to notice his new un-Wolverinish costume, they both quietly shook their heads. Evolution-Wolverine scowled, but remained silent as he began walking away.
"All right, then," responded Evolution-Cyclops. He waved a loose salute to the other Wolverines and then confidently strode after Evolution-Wolverine. "So that's the new costume, huh? Not too shabby looking…"
Evolution-Wolverine suppressed a growl.
Evolution-Cyclops briefly glanced down at his own costume, then back over to Evolution-Wolverine's new costume. "Say, you know, with your new look, we're both dressed in just black and gold." As he continued walking, Evolution-Cyclops smirked and wagged his head slightly. "The heart and soul of the X-Men, wearing the team colors, once again! The leader and the rebel… The brains and the brawns… The two icons of the X-Men line-up…"
Evolution-Wolverine cocked his head to the side in annoyance.
"Hey," considered Evolution-Cyclops. "Maybe they'll give us a team-up episode this season. Like what they had us do in Mindbender. Just the two of us against a band of the MLF. Or against Random. Or Omega Red…"
"Kid…"
"Well why shouldn't they?" Responded Evolution-Cyclops in the same happy tone. "I mean, we are a pretty natural team-up. We're both driven… Borderline obsessive… They've let us both show some violent tendencies." Evolution-Cyclops smirked. "Face it, we were meant to work together. We're the closest Marvel has to the World's Finest. And now we're finally dressed to match."
Evolution-Wolverine let out a hiss, but continued walking normally. Still smiling, Evolution-Cyclops continued walking behind him. As they reached the elevator, Evolution-Wolverine hit the down button, and crossed his arms impatiently. The doors opened a moment later, and both men stepped in.
"Heck," Evolution-Cyclops began as the doors started closing. "In that new Manga-verse thing they're trying to start up, they're actually making us brothers."
Snikt!
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