* * * * *

He had been acting strangely all week. He spoke little about work and conducted conversation in an unusually furtive manner. I was paranoid, feeling like I was playing his role for the first time in a while. I was losing control of life and now he was hiding things from me? No. No, I would *not* let him do that. I had no proof that my suspicions were correct, but sometimes you can just feel things like that and know it.

"I'm going out to Pennsylvania with Agent Vass on a case," he said plainly.

"What type of case?" I had asked. We were lounging on the couch together at the time.

"It's nothing, really," he replied.

"Since when is any X-File nothing?" I asked him.

"We're not supposed to talk about this, Scully. The apartment could be bugged."

"You very well know that it isn't. The Gunmen have checked four or five times in the past few months, and rather recently. Why don't you want to tell me what's going on?"

"I can't lose the X-Files," he said simply.

"So what makes this case so different than the last few? Why can't you tell me about it?"

"I just can't," he offered.

"You've been secretive all week, Mulder, and I want to know why. I thought you and I could trust one another with everything! What are you holding back from me?"

"Don't make this about trust, Scully," he said, his tone having a warning way about it.

"It *is* about trust, Mulder. You trust your new partner enough to tell her what's going on, but I'm left out of the loop?"

"If you know what's going on, it will risk everything!"

"Why? It didn't risk anything before!" I said, hearing my voice raise.

"This time you'll want to be there, Scully, and you can't be!" he stopped suddenly, realizing he had blurted out to much.

I would want to be there? Did this have to do with me?

"Tell me what's going on. Now."

"Nothing--"

"We both know you've said too much, Mulder, and now you've got to say it all. Don't lie to me, I just want the truth. Tell me where you're going. Tell me what you're looking for."

"The remaining projects of the Syndicate. Several members survived...and they seem to be operating several projects..."

"What kind of projects?"

"I'm not entirely sure, but there are things like genetic engineering and use of the ova of women who were--"

"Mulder, you were going to keep this from me? There's data on my abduction, isn't there? They could have my eggs...they could have created a child...it could be Emily all over again. You were going to hide this from me?" I demanded, furious. Thoughts ran rampant through my mind; cancer, infertility, Emily, ova, Mulder, trust, betrayal, pain, love, hate, answers, questions, truths, lies...

"I can't get caught with you on a case, Scully, they'll take the X-files away from me. Kersh doesn't want me on this case as it is, which is making Skinner suggest I don't go...they're already going to be watching me closely."

"And what about Agent Vass? You mess up once, in the slightest way, and she'll rat you out first chance she gets."

"She says she won't, Scully, not if I do as Skinner asked."

"And you trust her?" I asked, feeling tears prick my eyes. No, damnit, I would not cry.

"I've got a better shot at keeping the files going with her than with you."

"And that's more important than me knowing the answers to these questions? Mulder, I've sacrificed a lot for the X-Files, and it was for a reason. To find the truth. Now, I have a chance to do that, and to possibly get back some of the things I lost. How can you deny me the right to find out what happened to me?" I asked.

"Scully, look, I'll be back to tell you--"

"And what if you get there and find out she's already ratted you out to Kersh?"

"And what if I bring you and she rats me out for that?" he countered quickly.

"Mulder--I HAVE to find out. I HAVE to know--God, it could be Emily all over again," I repeated.

"I CAN'T lose the X-files, Scully. I can't."

"Mulder, you have to understand. I NEED to go." I said, my voice firm.

"You CAN'T."

Did he just tell me I couldn't do something?

"I CAN'T? Why is that your choice to make? Mulder, I never thought I'd ask you to compromise the safety of the X-files for my own personal reasons but--"

"I can't. I can't do that for you, Scully, I'm sorry."

"So the X-files are more important to you than I am? You'd rather go without me and hurt me the way you're doing now? Then make me lose my chance to know my truths?"

"I can't lose the X-files. They're my life."

"Well then, I guess there's no more room for me," I said, the words coming out of my mouth quickly. Even as I realized I had said them, I would never take them back. I meant it. Who did he think he was? He couldn't do this to me, I wouldn't let him. The tears pooled in my eyes but I steeled myself, not letting them dare to fall.

"Scully, I--"

"Goodbye, Mulder."

"Scully, please, I,"
It was too late, I was already heading out the door.

I managed to drive home without dissolving into sobs. Once I reached the privacy of my apartment, however, I did just that. I loved this man, in a way I'd never loved anyone else, and he did this to me. How could he? How could he think that he could keep me from finding out my own past, the things they had taken away from me? What right did he have to keep me from the possibility of finding records of what they had done to me, my ova, even a child that could be mine...

The X-Files were his life, so what did that say about me? I was the woman he promised to love, I was good enough to be there for him, to take away all of his damn self-deprecating pain, but I wasn't enough to him? He could sleep with me just about every night, but I wasn't important enough to risk the X-Files for. Not to him. A long time ago I would have accepted that, but not anymore. Not when I need the answers that lie wherever the hell in Pennsylvania he was going. Not when he was my lover and he promised me that what was REALLY important was us being together...that *I* was important...but now, now when faced with a choice: The X-Files, or me, he chose the X-Files.

I am not a consolation prize, I am nobody's second choice. Not even Mulder's. After everything we've been through, I would have thought that I was a little more important than the way I had been treated. How could he honestly say that he'd rather hurt me than risk the X-Files? It's not like he was still looking for Samantha--he found his answers. The only truths left to find were the ones concerning what they did to ME. ME! How could *I* be left out of that?

Not only was I hurt concerning his choice, but I was hurt because I had walked out. Could things between us be over? Would I never wake up in his arms again? That was what struck me when I reached my empty apartment. How could I survive without feeling his lips against my own?

How could I feel his lips against my own when I was only his second choice?

It was an obvious situation. I couldn't live with him knowing that he would keep me out of a project that was essentially about me--out of some fear of losing his job, something more important to him than I was. We shared something special, something I'd never even dreamed of, and that should have taken priority over this. It wasn't like I asked him to stay behind; I asked him to give me the answers to what happened to ME. That was only fair and he had decided not to allow it.

No matter how much rationalizing I did, it wouldn't take away the pain. I was his second best, behind his work. How could I have thought otherwise? Those damn files always were his life. I had thought that his closure concerning his sister would have changed things. The only face he could attach to his quest was mine now, but the quest was more important to him than the person whose name it was in. How could I have been so foolish to believe he could actually love me enough to put me before "his work?" His work. It wasn't mine anymore.

He wasn't mine anymore.

Authors Notes: I honestly didn't mean to end every chapter with an enigmatic one-liner. I didn't even write this in chapters! It just happened! Odd, huh?

To address a review Teresa left a while ago, Vass is pronounced like pass with a V. It's actually my mothers maiden name, which she insists was shortened from Vasquez, since she's about 20% Cuban on her dad's side. You never know with my mom, though, she's nuts. Sorry for the delay in this chapter, but going back to school is a bitch lol…