No. This was exactly what I was afraid would happen. She left. She left! SHE FUCKING LEFT! She walked out on me. She's gone. Scully is gone. She left me. I can't stop thinking about it because it doesn't seem real. It was never a possibility in my mind. How could she do this to me?
How could I do this to her?
I had basically told her my work was more important than she was. Being a psychologist, why didn't I realize that would hurt her? Here she was, the woman I promised to love, who I *did* and *do* love, but I won't let her seek her own truths. I won't let her follow the path she NEEDS to follow for my own selfish reasons.
Why didn't I relate to this? I've had the need that she has. It was answered when I found out the truth about Samantha, but hers has yet to be resolved. She still doesn't know who took her, or why, or exactly what they did. She doesn't know if there are any ova of hers somewhere (besides the vial I've kept away from her...) or if there's another child that belongs to her... She just wanted the answers that life has owed her.
I screwed up on a new level this time. Not only did I tell her she couldn't accompany me (anyone who knows Scully knows she doesn't like to be to told what do to), but I said that the reason for that was she'd ruin the most important thing to me--my work. I couldn't have been more wrong. A long time ago, that may have been true, but not anymore. SHE was the most important thing now.
I picked up my phone and dialed her number. It rang, but she didn't pick up.
"You've reached Dana Scully, leave your name and number and I'll return your call," her calm, assured voice told me.
"Scully, pick up if you're home, please, pick up," I said. My request went unanswered. "I'm sorry. I… I love you." With that, I hung up.
I called her cell phone, but got that annoying voice saying, "The cellular customer you are trying to reach..."
I paced back and forth, not knowing what to do with myself. I called her house again.
"Look, Scully, I'm pretty sure you're home, and, um, I just want you to know that I didn't mean what I said before, and I'm sorry, and that I love you. Please call me, Dana," I finished, her first name slipping out.
I would have gone to talk to her, but it would have upset her more. I just sat, alone, hating myself, wondering how I could have done this to her. I didn't *want* to see her--I knew what to expect. She wouldn't let me in. She'd just tell me to leave, that she had nothing to say and it'd all be too final... I can't let this happen.
I CAN'T lose her.
* * * * * * *
I lay in bed later that night thinking silently. I hadn't answered any of his calls, and the machine had recorded about five messages. He finally quit calling around ten, with a final note of, "Don't do this to me, Dana. Don't leave me. I love you... I, I need you."
*Now* he needed me. The X-Files weren't there to cook him dinner. The X-Files weren't there to hold him. The X-Files weren't there to talk with, or to listen to his problems, or to make him laugh, or to laugh at him... The X-Files weren't there to make love to him or to wake up next to him in the morning, wrapped in his arms. The X-Files couldn't love and need him back the way I did. The way I could still.
I would have gone to Pennsylvania, not for him, for myself...but I didn't know where he was going. I wanted these answers, and I had no access to them. It wasn't fair that he wouldn't let me go. Let me? He doesn't tell me what I can and cannot do…
He'd be off to Pennsylvania with Becky Vass in the morning. Why didn't he see how quickly she'd betray him? He'd rather go off with the Smoking Man's spy than with me? Either way he's running the risk of fucking up and losing his precious X-Files. Would he approach her romantically, since he didn't have me now? Would he go to her for a one night stand to relieve the tension he would build up without me? Was I just there to relieve the tension of his work?
Now that he didn't have me to curl up next to at night, would he think she was prettier than I am? Would he admire her bigger chest, curvier hips, long brunette hair, tall frame and long, slim legs? Would he want her? Was the modest, short redhead now a thing of the past for him? Was she *always* just in the shadow of the X-Files in his heart? The convenient lover who would chase shadows with him, who he presumed would never demand more than being second to his work?
And, when she demanded more, would he eventually push her out of his heart? So that she was no longer even in the shadow of his work but gone all together?
I sighed out loud. I was being irrational, not to mention melodramatic. Part of me said Mulder found Vass repulsive. She was a spy, and he knew it. I tried to tell myself that maybe he'd change. Maybe he'd realize that he had to give me the respect and love I deserved in order to receive it from me. He couldn't take everything I gave him, and then give nothing in return. It didn't work like that. It couldn't anymore. It wasn't fair to me, and I couldn't stay with him if that was the case. I was strong enough to walk away from him.
"The X-Files are my life," his words echoed in my ears. I couldn't accompany him because it'd make him lose the X-Files. His life. More important than my feelings or my truths or my love... No, his life was the X-Files.
It wasn't so much that he was ignoring my feelings, it was that he was telling me I wasn't allowed to find my own answers. Not only did he imply that my feelings were second to the work, but that my *life*--what was in those files--was second to the work. The things I gave up for him, for HIS work...he wouldn't let me go after them. He wouldn't let me try to find the answers and it wasn't fair. I wouldn't sit idly and let him do this. I wasn't going to let him hurt me.
Still, I fell asleep wishing he'd change his mind about what his life was.
* * * * * *
I cannot stand Agent Vass. If she wasn't a female, I'd have hit her in the face by the time we reached Pennsylvania. All she did the entire car ride was complain and nag me about how "stupid" this lead was. "You have no idea who that was on the phone. This could just turn out to be a dead end. If you break one of the rules Skinner laid down, don't think I won't tell him. I'm not here to protect you like Agent Scully was."
"There's something important I need to find there," I said.
"What is it?" she asked.
"Information on Scully's abduction."
"Scully's not supposed to be involved with the X-Files anymore," she said.
"She's not, trust me. I want to know for myself. I need to know. I have to find the truth."
"Why is this so important to you, Agent Mulder? I don't get it. It makes you look nuts, and made you screw up a great career."
"It was for my sister, and now it's for Scully. I *have* to find what I'm looking for."
"Why? You did without it all these years," she said.
"Yeah, but now it's important."
She sighed, bored with the conversation.
We eventually made it to the motel without me strangling her. We were in Allentown, Pennsylvania. As we pulled up, I sang "Well we're living here in Allentown, and they're closing all the factories down..." for which I received a look that said 'Grow up' from Vass. Okay, she's not a Billy Joel fan.
Allentown held a lot of significance for me. We had chased a Japanese diplomat there years ago, which uncovered a large part of the conspiracy to us. Scully found the MUFON group of the women like her, with the chips in their necks. The women who removed those chips, just like she had, and who had all contracted cancer. The women who died for this cause, at the hand of the Syndicate. It made sense to me that something like this, a factory containing the information my informant had claimed, would exist in Allentown.
The day was uneventful for our first on the case. We scoped out the building, and it was obviously more than just a factory. Of course, Vass disagreed with me, but there was nothing we didn't disagree on. We stayed around for a while as I tried to plan how we'd infiltrate the place in the morning.
It was a large building, a warehouse that had employees going in and out. Outside, there was no name or company affiliation. It looked like it could've been an abandoned factory, not uncommon in this part of Pennsylvania; it was hit hard a few years ago and was just now bouncing back. I had asked a man in the gas station nearby what it was, casually, and he responded with a shrug and, "I've heard it's a pharmaceutical plant or somethin' along them lines."
What gave the building away was it's heavy security. There was a gate in front, with several security officials outside. Using a pair of binoculars discreetly from the car, I could see that the guards were armed. Every once in a while, a man on a golf cart would pass around the perimeter of the facility. There were cameras mounted all around the building. Smartly dressed men and women entered and exited in expensive cars, telling me it clearly wasn't a factory or warehouse.
I was worried that I'd been caught on camera already but I dismissed the thought, too caught up in finding the answers. If I could just find what she needed, if I brought it back to her, maybe Scully would forgive me. I would put myself completely on the line--I had absolutely nothing to lose. Nothing at all. I had been careful with my life in the past because something always held me back--Scully, Samantha... Now, I didn't have that anymore. Scully had left me.
The only way I could get her back was to go out and put my life on the line, to do this for her.
Things got worse before they got better. Agent Vass came into my motel room, from hers next door, to help me plan our infiltration. Now, this would've been nice, if she didn't tell me everything I planned to do was going against Skinner's orders.
"We can't trespass on their property, Skinner insisted--"
"Then how else are we getting in, Vass?" I asked, angrily.
"We shouldn't get in at all! You have NO proof! You have NO warrant!"
"I don't work that way! I work on hunches and they're usually right."
"Well I work the *right* way, Agent Mulder. I follow the law," she added.
"I don't, not when it's this important."
"Think of all the things you have to lose, Mulder," she said.
"I don't have anything to lose anymore!" I said, raising my voice to her.
"Your job, Agent Mulder, and I just may see to it that you do. We're not supposed to work like this and I'm not going to protect you like Agent Scully did."
"The woman whose truths I'm searching for won't speak to me! I HAVE to find these truths for her so she'll see why this job was so important to me. They can take the job away, but I won't stop searching until I make things right again. My life? I don't need it anymore. All the joy in it is gone. I have nothing to lose."
"Agent Mulder, I suggest you calm down," she said, appearing slightly frightened by my outburst. "I'm going to leave, but what I said remains true--I won't protect you."
She left and I sighed out loud. I fell back onto the bed, hard and stiff. Nothing like *Scully's* bed. I had told her the work was my life, but why didn't I realize the work was for her? She was my life now, and I was slowly beginning to realize that. I had to find this for her, so I could explain. I wanted to search because I wanted to provide her with the answers. She was the reason the X-Files were my life--it was all for her now. I wouldn't have realized that if this hadn't happened. I glanced at the clock and saw that I ought to get some rest before morning, so I changed and tried to fall asleep.
Tried to dream of a happier world, where we were together.
A/N: I'm sorry it took so long to update, so you get two chapters. Yay! I've had soo much to do lately--3 AP classes, and I'm the head writer for our school's fall production script. So, I finally found a spare moment for you guys! Sorry it took so long! Keep reviewing!