The Adelayda Series

Author: Amre

Rating: PG-13, just to be safe

Pairings: Ryan/Seth, Ryan/Marissa

Archive: Sure, just let me know where.

Summary: Ryan's with Marissa, but is that what he wants?

Disclaimer: They belong to Fox, etc. not me. I'm just having a little fun with them ;)

Inspiration: Based more or less on 4 songs from the band Adelayda (hence the title), not really a song fic.

***Warnings: SLASH!!! Please don't read and then flame.***

A/N: My first attempt at OC slash. Big thanks to Leann for the beta. :)

Dawn

(Seth POV)

"I've come down today to face my pain

It's all locked up in you

I'm tattered, torn, and I'm blue"

He's with Marissa. I know that shouldn't bother me, and I'm trying really hard not to let it. I should be happy for him, and, on the surface at least, I am. The reality of it, though, is that every time I see them together, I get this pang in the pit of my stomach and my heart skips a beat. My mouth suddenly goes dry, making it impossible to swallow the lump in my throat. It hurts to look at them.

I guess I have Summer, sort of, and I really shouldn't care that he has Marissa. Except that I do. A lot. It's not that I just miss our hanging out time like I'd originally thought. I've finally admitted, at least to myself, that I miss Ryan. Which is absurd because he's still living in the pool house, and I see him all the time. We still do things together. He makes a point of that. But he's not there like he was before.

Maybe I'm the one who's changed. Okay, back up, I've definitely changed because I haven't always thought of Ryan like that. Or maybe I have and it's just taken this long for me to realize it. All I know is that when he casually mentions Marissa and a slow smile creeps across his face, I feel like I've been stabbed. Not that I would actually know what being stabbed feels like, but I imagine it must be pretty close to this.

Then there are times when I catch him watching me, and I think, just for a second, that he knows. Those are the moments I live for. I've stopped counting how many words Summer has spoken to me. I now count "Ryan Moments" instead. Pathetic, yes, but it's all I have.

From my bedroom window I see him as he makes his way to the pool house. He pauses at the door, turns and looks up. Realistically, I know that he's probably looking at the stars or the moon or something, but his gaze seems to linger on my darkened window. I have to look away. When I turn back, the door's just sliding shut, and he's already inside.

Separate Lives

(Ryan POV)

"Live a life without you

I'm not that strong"

I'm slightly disappointed that Seth's light is off, but I tell myself I'm being ridiculous. He can go to bed whenever he likes. I'd just hoped he'd still be awake by the time I got back. I feel like I've been neglecting him, although he hasn't said anything. Not that he would. We still hang out, but something just feels...wrong. I try to convince myself it doesn't have anything to do with the less than brotherly feelings I've been having towards him lately.

I glance at my watch. It's really not that late. Seth might still be up. Only one way to find out. Before I can change my mind, I'm out of the pool house and up the stairs, knocking on Seth's door.

"Come in," he calls, not sounding the least bit sleepy.

I crack the door a little and peek inside. He's sitting at his desk, and doesn't even bother turning around.

"Hey." I hate how uncertain I sound. I mean, it's Seth.

"Hey, Ryan. Turn on the light, would you?" he asks finally glancing over his shoulder.

I flip on the switch as he turns off the computer monitor and flops across the bed, grinning up at me.

"What's up?"

"Nothing. I just thought you might still be awake," I answer moving fully into the room and shutting the door.

"Well, you thought right."

I should just tell him goodnight and get the hell out of here, but instead I find myself sitting on the edge of his bed, with my back to him. My thoughts are whirling out of control, reminding me of Seth when he starts rambling.

"Ryan?" he asks hesitantly when I don't say anything.

I tense when he puts a hand on my shoulder. I expect him to pull away, but not Seth. Instead, he grasps my arm with his other hand and leans around to look at me.

"Are you okay?"

I want to nod, but I'm finding it really hard to move right now. Our faces are inches apart, and he's eyeing me with concern. I'm still caught by surprise when I see that even though I should be use to it by now. I've seen it on Sandy and Kirsten's faces enough. And Seth's. A second later all thoughts are driven from my mind except one. Seth's still looking at me, only now his bottom lip is caught firmly between his teeth, and, oh, God, I want to kiss him.

Nervously, I lick my parched lips, acutely aware that I still haven't said anything. Seth takes it all in, his eyes dropping to my mouth before flickering back up to meet my gaze.

Then suddenly, he's leaning in, and it's tentative and awkward, not really a kiss at all, just a brushing of lips. It's over almost before it begins.

He pulls back an inch, but he's still close enough that I can feel his breath on my face.

"Ryan?"

I just shake my head slightly, and close the distance between us, letting my lips find his this time.

Crowded Room

(Seth POV)

"God knows I want to hold you

Until night turns into day

And I can lean over and touch you

But you're so far away"

We've been lying on my bed for awhile now. I'm not sure exactly how long because I'm afraid if I move to check the clock, Ryan will bolt.

He's gotten steadily quieter since our impromptu make-out session ended. I'm use to Ryan being quiet, but this is not normal, introspective Ryan quietness. This is guilt-ridden what-about-Marissa quietness.

I want to talk to him. I want to know what's he thinking. Or maybe not. I don't know. I just can't take this stifling silence that's descended on us. I've held my tongue up to now, but one of us has to say something sooner or later. Since I think Ryan could pretty much remain silent indefinitely, it falls to me. It's like a dam bursting as I begin to speak.

"Look, Ryan, I know you're worried about Marissa and stuff, and I'm totally not gonna ask you to choose between us. I mean, if tonight was just tonight then that's cool. Well, not cool, but it'll be okay. I'll be okay. I just...I don't want you to think that..."

He silences me by placing a finger across my lips. The look on his face is unreadable.

"I care about Marissa," he says, causing my heart to lurch despite what I had just said. "And I can't do that to her. She doesn't deserve that. Neither do you."

I silently plead with him to continue, but it's useless. Ryan's apparently said all he's going to say. I want to ask him what he means, exactly, but for once I keep my mouth shut.

"I should go," he says suddenly, sitting up.

It takes every ounce of resolve I can muster not to pull him back down on the bed and beg him to stay.

Ryan leans over with some hesitation and kisses me softly before climbing off the bed. It's not much, but it goes a long way in making me feel better. He reaches the door and turns around to look at me.

"I just need some time to think, okay?"

I don't know what to say, so I nod. He gives me a half-smile, and he's gone.

Not Tonight

(Ryan POV)

"I've tried to tell you now

But I can't find those words

I've tried to show you how

But that's pain you don't deserve"

It's been two days since Seth effectively turned my world upside down. Not that I don't share the blame...and not that I really mind a whole hell of a lot. It's just that now I have a lot more problems to deal with than I did, oh, say a week ago.

At the forefront, of course, is Marissa. I was being honest when I told Seth I care about her. I don't want to hurt her, especially after everything she's been through. I don't know who I thought I was fooling, though, denying it as long as I did. I've wanted Seth since the first time he fell asleep on the couch in the pool house. The fact that he wants me, too...I'm still trying to wrap my mind around that. One thing is certain, there's no way I can give Seth up for anyone, even Marissa.

Which leads me to my second, but no less serious problem, Sandy and Kirsten. They might be able to overlook stealing cars or burning down houses, but I don't think they'd be very happy if they knew exactly what had gone on in Seth's room the other night. Seth seems completely unconcerned about them, but then he doesn't have as much to lose as I do.

To top it all off, I haven't even thought about the whole gay/straight/bi implications of all this. I just can't go there yet. Still, it's pretty damn obvious I'm not as straight as I thought I was six months ago.

For his part, Seth has been unusually patient, giving me plenty of space and time to think. I know it's driving him crazy, and that's why I have to put an end to this. Today.

I've been at Marissa's for over an hour pretending to watch a movie, and I'm no closer to telling her that when I got here. I hadn't expected it to be easy, but I didn't think it would be this difficult, either.

"Do you want to go for a walk?" she asks suddenly, clicking off the TV.

"Okay."

I follow her out the door and down to the beach, my mind racing as I try to organize my thoughts.

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" she says quietly after we've been walking for awhile.

She stops moving and turns to look at me, arms crossed and an expectant expression on her face.

"I kissed Seth."

It slips out before I can stop it. This is not at all how I planned to tell her. I can't look at Marissa, so instead I sit down hard on the sand, holding my head in my hands. The silence seems to last an eternity. I expect her to yell or hit me or storm off in tears. I don't expect her to sit down beside me and place a tentative hand on my shoulder.

"And?"

I can tell this is difficult for her, but she's trying. I have to be completely honest with her.

"And I think I love him."

I raise my eyes to see her. She looks away, but not before I note the pain written on her face.

"And Seth?"

He's never said it in so many words, but I know that he feels whatever this is I feel. I just nod. I don't know what else to do. She's taking this better than she should be. Better than I could have hoped. I realize that she doesn't really seem that surprised, and in the back of my mind I think that maybe she already knew.

We sit there for awhile in silence. This is it. There's no turning back now. We both know what we had is gone. A wave of sadness washes over me. I do love Marissa. Maybe not the same way as Seth, but that doesn't make it any less real.

"Marissa, I..." I want to apologize, but I'm not exactly sure for what. For kissing Seth? For hurting her? For not being the person she thought I was?

"Not now, okay?" she sniffles.

After a few more minutes, she stands up awkwardly, and I follow her lead.

"I should go back," she says nodding in the direction of her house.

"Do you want me to..." I start, but she cuts me off, shaking her head.

"No. Go home, Ryan."

I watch as she turns and starts down the beach. I stand there staring after her until she disappears. Slowly, I begin to make my way back to the pool house. To Seth. Home.

The End