Meanwhile, the Joker was trying to figure out a way to discreetly break into the chocolate factory. He had followed Harley there from Pauli's Deli, and unusually for the Joker, was attempting subtlety over his natural instinct for mayhem – he had reasoned the punchline to murder would be funnier if the victim didn't see it coming. Besides, he didn't want Harley to get wind of the plan and try to stop him before he could kill Crane – it was the only way he could think of to show her he truly cared.
He had managed to jimmy open one of the windows and slid into the factory. "I bet Johnny isn't fun enough to have even gotten Oompa Loompas for this place," he muttered to himself, looking around at the dark, barren factory interior. "It takes a real genius to wholly commit to a theme like that."
Joker walked past the giant skeleton hanging over the chocolate vat and whistled. "Boy, that takes me back," he commented. "Of course I was never twelve-feet tall when I fell in. Or a skeleton. But give the comic book industry time to redo my origin for the zillionth time!" he chuckled.
He climbed up on the catwalk, creeping over the factory floor to see Scarecrow's henchmen hard at work filling boxes of contaminated chocolate. "Really? Poisoned chocolate? That's your genius Halloween scheme, Johnny?" he sighed. "I should have known it would be lame and pathetic, just like him. I'm doing the world a favor by killing him – he gives geniuses a bad name. I guess I'll still distribute the candy after he's dead – shame to waste all this effort, and the hard part's already been done. All I have to do is sit back and laugh at the mass poisoning, and then wait around here for Batsy to track down the culprit, and then hand him Johnny's head. He'll love that!" he chuckled. "Honestly, I don't know why people are always talking about how hard it is acquiring businesses – I'm getting this chocolate factory and Pauli's Deli, and I just had to do a little killing for 'em! Couldn't be simpler! I might look into becoming a business mogul – I could be the next Donald Trump, or Elon Musk! Actually, on second thought, I think they've both kinda got that troll king business mogul angle cornered. Keep up the good work, boys!" he chuckled, as he reached the manager's office.
He was about to kick open the door and go in with guns blazing, when he remembered his resolve to keep it stealthy, and looked up to see a skylight on the office roof. "Dropping in unexpectedly through the skylight is exactly what Batsy would do!" he exclaimed, climbing onto the railing of the catwalk to reach the roof. "I've always wanted to know why he seemingly can't get enough of that glass in his shorts feeling, and here's my chance to discover it for myself!" he said, as he headed over to the skylight and peeked inside to see Crane in conversation with a woman.
Although, if he had been in the room, the more accurate description wasn't so much a conversation as a hostage situation. Crane had been alone in the room a few moments before, calculating how many shipments of contaminated chocolate they had sent out, and exponentiating out the amount of terror which could conceivably be caused by them, when there was a knock on the door to his office.
"Come in!" he called, expecting Harley, and turning to smile at the door.
His smile fell when Lindsay entered the room, dressed in her Halloween costume, which was a female Scarecrow costume to match his, and like so many female Halloween costumes, was unnecessarily skimpy. "Oh…hello, Lindsay," he said. "Did you need something?"
"Yes," she replied. "I need you, Dr. Crane."
"Now Lindsay, we've already talked about this," said Crane, sternly. "I'm not interested in forming a romantic relationship with you…"
"Because you already have a romantic relationship with the clown girl," finished Lindsay, nodding.
"…yes. That's right, yes," agreed Crane, thinking this would be the easiest way to reject her advances. "My affections are engaged elsewhere, as you have rightly concluded, and I wouldn't betray Harley like that…"
"You don't need to," she interrupted. "Harley is gone."
"Gone?" he repeated. "What do you mean gone?"
"I mean she's gone, and she won't be coming back," said Lindsay.
"What have you done to her?" demanded Crane.
"You don't need to worry about that," she replied. "You just need to know that she's gone, and you're free. Now that the pretty blonde girl's spell over you is broken, we can be together forever."
"Lindsay, where is Harley?!" shouted Crane, seizing her shoulders. "If you've hurt her, I swear to God I'll murder you slowly and painfully!"
"Mmm, much as I love your cold, dispassionate intellect, your passionate fury is very attractive too," murmured Lindsay, smiling at him. "I can't wait for you to threaten me some more, and explain in detail all the ways that you'll hurt me – that's such an attractive proposition, coming from you. But since your rage is motivated by concern for Harley, I guess you're not free of her spell yet. That's because she's not dead yet, but she will be soon, and then you'll understand. Your anger and fear for her will go away, and you'll see me as the one you were always meant to be with, just like the boy I liked did after Heather's spell over him was broken. I didn't want him after that, of course, but you're different, Dr. Crane. You're not like he was, joining in her evil plans because you were blinded by love for her – you're an innocent victim of a heartless, calculating woman. And now that she's removed from your presence, you'll realize that. I did it for you, to save you from wasting yourself on that unworthy, pathetic little whore of the Joker's. A man like you could never love someone like her – a man like you deserves so much better than someone like her. And now you can have me," she said, embracing him.
"Lindsay, you have to tell me where Harley is!" he exclaimed, shoving her away.
"And what will you give me if I do?" asked Lindsay, smiling at him.
Crane's fury at her was only equal to his repulsion toward her, but he wasan intelligent man, and he reasoned that if she was so far gone that threats wouldn't work against her, he had to use another route. And charm wasn't his usual route, but he supposed there was a first time for everything.
He took a deep breath, and then embraced her slowly, leaning forward to kiss her…
And that was when the Joker suddenly crashed through the skylight. "How's this for a trick or treat?" he began, beaming, and then he noticed the situation in the room, and his face fell. "Oh…yeah, this is…something I…never wanted to see, and I instantly regret my actions," he said. "This kinda thing must happen to Batsy all the time, crashing in on people's private moments - it's definitely happened a couple times with me and Harley, enough to traumatize him anyway, but it's actually not funny when you're the one doing the dropping in, plus the glass in your shorts is really very painful, which only confirms my theory that Bats is a masochist at heart. I'm gonna go remove that, and then go bleach my eyes…"
"No, no, no, Joker, stay!" exclaimed Crane, who had never been so happy to see him in his life. "You have to make her tell us where Harley is!"
"How could you have lost Harley?" asked Joker, puzzled. "She's very loud and clingy."
"I didn't lose her – Lindsay has kidnapped her and hidden her somewhere!" snapped Crane, gesturing at Lindsay. "She's jealous because she thinks Harley and I are romantically involved!"
"And why would she think that?" asked Joker, casually.
"Because I let everyone believe that, all right?" snapped Crane. "Because I wanted it to be true, so I let everyone think it was!"
"Yes, and liars never prosper," said Joker, shaking his head. "I hope you've learned your lesson, Johnny. If Harley had to be kidnapped in order for that to happen, then it's well worth it. I came here to kill you for spreading those rumors, but I can't kill you now if Harley's not here to see it. Trust me, there's nothing that sets the mood for romance faster than a little murder."
"I agree," said Lindsay, nodding. "I think killing someone for love is the most romantic thing you can do for a person. And it's what I'm doing for Dr. Crane, to prove my love for him."
"O…K," said Joker, slowly. "I guess that's…theoretically possible, in a reality with infinite multiverses, that someone, somewhere would love the Fear Freak. I mean, I don't know you at all, but I'm pretty sure you can do better."
"There is no man better than Dr. Crane," murmured Lindsay. "He's my soulmate, the most intelligent and unique man who ever lived. And he deserves an intelligent and unique woman like me. We are perfectly matched, made for each other. I can't expect you to understand such things, Joker, since the woman you chose to be your soulmate was some bubble-headed blonde bimbo who left you for another man."
"First of all, she's not even a real blonde," retorted Joker. "And second of all, she didn't leave me for another man. She just took a temp job over Halloween - you've heard straight from the horse's mouth that she didn't have anything romantically to do with Craney."
"He's lying to save himself from your wrath, obviously," retorted Lindsay. "He knows you won't tolerate any romantic competition."
"That's right – I won't," agreed Joker. "And if you're going to insult Harley by implying that she would involve herself with a loser like this, I'm gonna have to melt your face off too, whether she's here to watch it or not."
"Joker, wait!" exclaimed Crane, seizing his hand as he reached for his flower. "If you kill her, we'll never find Harley in time!"
"I can make her talk too," said Joker, shrugging, as he aimed the flower away from her face to somewhere less lethal. "You melt a few body parts off with acid and people tend to spill their guts, sometimes literally…"
"That won't work!" exclaimed Crane. "It will take too long, and she's not the kind of person that torture will work on!"
"What are you talking about?" demanded Joker. "Torture works on everyone!"
"No, not on her," said Crane, slowly, as a desperate idea struck him. Lindsay seemed so proud of her intellect, and believed herself to be his intellectual equal. So he had to deal with her on those terms, by engaging with her intellect. And he had to outsmart her, for Harley's sake.
"She's too strong for that," he murmured, staring at Lindsay. "And she's…right, the more I think about it. It makes sense intellectually, as she says, that a man like me deserves better than someone like Harley. Someone who abandoned her career as a psychologist for a completely unworthy man, someone who returns to him again and again no matter how badly he treats her…she's a completely irrational woman. Like Heather was, isn't that right, Lindsay?"
"That's right," murmured Lindsay, her eyes shining. "And an irrational woman is a completely inappropriate match for a rational man like you. You see it now, don't you, Dr. Crane?"
"Almost," he agreed. "The night of the slumber party, when I accompanied you, I fear gassed everyone who was there. And that was why your young man was no longer attracted to Heather after that – fear strips away everything, and reveals what we all truly are. We hide behind masks of sanity and respectability, but fear reveals the truth, how people are all pathetic, cowering creatures, each shackled to the chains of their own phobias. My fear toxin revealed that about Heather, and your young man was repulsed by her after that – he wanted you, who seemed so strong and fearless in comparison. And the strongest fear of all is the fear of death – it is when death is upon us that we are revealed for the powerless weaklings we are. If you want my affection for Harley to die, it will die watching her die. Watching her become a gibbering, frightened coward as she nears her end, watching her give in to the fear and succumb, as she will ultimately succumb to death, will kill my feelings for her. But I have to be able to see it, Lindsay. You have to give me that experience, if you want us to be together. I have to see her for the wretched creature she truly is at the point of her death, and to see you as the only woman worthy of me in the face of true fear."
Lindsay studied him, nodding slowly at last. "Very well," she said. "But we have to hurry – she'll be dead in a matter of minutes," she added, glancing at the clock. "That's when the next batch of chocolate is due to be cooked."
Crane raced out of the room with Lindsay following him. Joker stood there for a moment, considering. "The only joke I can come up with for a clown girl being baked into chocolate is to say the chocolate tastes funny," he said. "Which is a terrible joke. So yeah, we gotta go save her," he added, running after Crane and Lindsay.