Disclaimer: These are not my characters

NB: SLASH, plus a couple of kisses & some weed. You have been warned.

Months later, when things have finally gotten back to normal, or to normal, because they started out so weird, Seth asks Ryan if he and Marissa want to see a band he and Anna like. Ryan likes Anna for Seth even less than he liked Summer for him (actually, Summer has grown on him a lot) but he likes the casualness and sincerity of the invitation, and the idea of another evening at the movies with Marissa makes him want to bang his head against a wall, so he says yes.

The band is playing at a dive bar in Long Beach. It's a ska band, deafening, frenetic, not Seth's usual style. The place is packed, sweaty, the walls painted black, the floor sticky with beer. No one is wearing very much. Marissa and Anna disappear to the women's room and Ryan leans against the black wall drinking beer out of a bottle. Seth comes and leans beside him. It is too loud to talk, so they just stand, drinking and feeling companionable, as if all that stuff last summer means nothing at all.

During the second set, while Anna and Marissa are at the bar, a woman they have never seen before presses up against Ryan and takes a sip of his beer. He cocks a what-are-you-going-to-do-for-me eyebrow at her and she laughs, tugs a cigarette out of her bra, and hands it to him. After she leaves, he turns to see Seth giving him exasperated saucer eyes and Ryan shrugs, all what?-I-can't-help-it-if-I'm-hot and Seth nods that he knows and Ryan looks at the cigarette and Seth looks at him looking at the cigarette and they realize at the same time that it's a joint.

It is instantly obvious to both of them that they should go outside and smoke it. The bar is a few blocks off the beach and they walk into a half-empty parking lot, stand in the shadow of a vine-covered chain-link fence, and light up. Ryan goes first, inhaling deeply, his eyes half closed. Seth takes it from him, holding it delicately between finger and thumb, and then looks up with an expression of such indignant disgust that Ryan starts laughing and coughs up his whole toke.

"Dude," says Seth, outraged, "you just, like, drooled all over the tip. The paper is, well to quote Summer here, it's… Ewww."

Ryan is now laughing so hard he can't talk.

"Great. And somehow you're already stoned. So you don't even care if this thing is totally unsmokeable for the rest of us."

"Sorry, man. I just---"

"Please. Like it was an accident. I know all about you and your crazy saliva."

Ryan stops laughing. Seth does not look up, just concentrates on drying the end of the joint by holding it to one side of the lighter flame. Ryan thinks Seth may have blushed but it is too dark to tell. After a bit, Seth takes a long hit and then hands it back. Ryan says, "Much dryer." Seth just nods without really looking at him.

When they have smoked it down to the end, Seth drops it on the ground, crushes what's left, and says, "Shall we?" Ryan nods. He can feel himself becoming contemplative. The sky is yellowish gray, overcast, pale with light pollution. The air feels softer than usual. Humid, maybe. He points this out to Seth, who says, "Man, you really are stoned. We have to get back."

The whole bar reeks of beer and sweat, but close up the weed tang is unmistakable. Marissa leans her head into Ryan's neck and asks, "Were you smoking pot?"

"We, uh, yeah."

Anna says, "What about us?"

"It just kind of happened. It wasn't ours."

"Whose was it?"

"Just this girl. She traded it to us for a beer."

Anna and Marissa share the irritable expression of people who are trying not to be poor sports. When the woman wanders by again, Seth rolls his eyes and grins conspiratorially at Ryan, who smiles at him, thinking how much better he likes the music when he's stoned. He kind of zones out to it and, some time later, is disappointed when Anna insists they leave. They came in her car. Seth drove, but now she looks at him and says, "I'm obviously driving."

"Yeah," says Seth, smiling at her. "I think that's definitely for the best." He tries to kiss her on the way to the parking lot but she shakes him off and when they reach the car, Marissa climbs into the front passenger seat. Seth starts to protest but Ryan puts a hand on his shoulder and they both get into the back. Anna stops at Seth and Ryan's first, lets them out, and then backs down the driveway to take Marissa next door.

Seth stands in front of the house watching her leave.

Ryan says, "She's coming back, right?"

"I think actually no. I think she may be pretty pissed."

"This is about the weed?"

"I'm guessing. Or maybe the fraternizing with hot girls."

"Oh, yeah." Ryan thinks about this for a minute. "She was pretty hot."

"Ryan. She was totally hot. She was just wearing, like, a bra."

"And pants."

Seth turns to look at him like he's insane. "Oh, yes. And pants. How ever could I have forgotten? God, you are so messed up right now. You didn't even get a goodnight kiss from the lovely Marissa."

"I think we're fighting."

"About the hot girl?"

"Nah. That was just…that was definitely not the problem."

"Really?" Seth looks skeptical. Then he says, "I thought you guys were doing so well. What with all the inseparability and everything. Some people might say it's been a little extreme. Come to think of it, my mom remarked that it was a little extreme. I think she's worried about you. But hey, far be it from me to knock co-dependency---"

"There was so much build up. It'll be this big defeat for her if it doesn't work out. She doesn't like to fail at things. Grades, clothes, boyfriends. She needs me to turn out well."

"Ryan. I forgot you were so insightful."

"Yeah, well. We haven't been talking a whole lot."

"No, we really haven't." Seth looks around. "And even back when we were talking, it was never in the driveway."

"She's not coming back."

"Yeah, Ryan. I'm feeling that."

"Here, come on," and Ryan leads the way around to the pool. They sit and dangle their feet in the water. Ryan pulls another joint out of his shirt pocket and holds it up.

"Dude. Score. Same girl?"

Ryan nods.

"What did you have to do for this one?"

"I just ran into her by the bathroom and she gave it to me."

"Don't lie to me. You big ho." Seth takes it from him and lights it.

A sense of peace descends over them. Seth can feel the surface of the water where it rings his ankle like someone's finger and thumb. The hum of the pool filter is regular, soothing, maybe beautiful. He drops his head onto Ryan's shoulder. Ryan's body tenses and then relaxes and Ryan very slowly leans his head against Seth's. He feels their hair touch and then the warm convexity of Seth's skull presses against his ear. Seth is still holding the roach, which has gone out. He rubs it against the pool edge anyway and Ryan reaches over, his left hand stopping Seth's, his right gently extricating the stub from his fingers, putting it in his pocket, splashing water over the ash mark.

Their hands are still touching. Seth looks down at them, recognizes the shape of Ryan's fingers, the raised curve of muscle between index finger and thumb. He lifts his head to find Ryan already watching him. Seth's mouth is dry. He says, "What are we, uh, doing?"

Ryan does not answer.

"I mean, all that stuff last summer. I thought we decided, well, okay, you decided, but I guess I ended up agreeing… I mean, as it turns out, I actually do find women hot. Not just like, from afar, but literally naked in bed with you with all their---"

"I'm not sure I do. Anymore."

"What? What the hell are you talking about?"

Ryan lifts his fingers to Seth's mouth but Seth yanks his head back.

"Ryan. Seriously, man. I do not have the strength to get into this with you again." Seth sounds a little desperate. Ryan has maneuvered them so they are facing each other, their foreheads almost touching, their lips very close. When Ryan kisses him, Seth feels big black bubbles drift up through his brain and explode. There's a silvery corona around his vision and the edge of the pool feels like the edge of a cliff. He imagines himself hurtling over it, his body spinning in freefall. "Ryan. Stop it---" He wrenches himself away and stands up, dizzy, backs into a lawn chair, sits down.

"God. I'm sorry."

"No, man, it's okay. It's just… I think I'm kind of stoned."

Seth lies back on the lawn chair and waits to feel normal. Time slows down and speeds up and stops again. At some point, he notices Ryan stretched out on the grass next to him and rolls onto his side to look down at him. He reaches out and touches his arm.

Ryan's eyes are closed. He says, "What?"

"Do you want to go lie down?"

"We are lying down."

"Inside. Do you want to go lie down inside."

"I don't know. Maybe. Do you?"

"Maybe. I think I'm cold."

When they finally get up, Seth is shivering. Ryan wraps his arm around him and they walk into the pool house. Seth turns on a light and immediately feels less stoned. Ryan sits down on the bed and looks at him.

"So. Ryan. What was that out there? I mean, you're the one---"

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Sorry like you wish you hadn't done it?"

"Yeah. No. Just sorry." He looks down at his hands. "I'm not exactly over it." He pauses, softly clears his throat, says, "You."

Seth feels his stomach flip over. "What? Dude. You're totally losing me here. I thought---"

Ryan lies down and crosses his arms under his head. "I don't want to talk about it." Seth lies down next to him, carefully not touching him. Then Ryan says, "Look," and Seth says, "Ryan," and this time Seth starts the kiss and Ryan feels his last threads of resistance snapping. He leans his whole body into the solid contact of their chests, the electric danger of their hips meeting, Seth's thigh pressing hard between his legs. Seth pushes Ryan onto his back, climbs on top of him, and then stops moving. Ryan moans in protest and reluctantly opens his eyes. "What?"

"So. What about all that stuff you said last fall? About this being such a bad idea? About pissing off my mom? About not being gay?"

"I don't care anymore. God, I don't care." Ryan closes his eyes again and Seth starts to kiss him, slowly and methodically, recollecting all the things Ryan likes that he stopped doing because Summer or Lara or Anna did not. By the time Seth pulls his shirt off, Ryan is incapable of stringing two words together, but Seth is still sadistically chatty, periodically swinging back out of the moment to talk. It occurs to Ryan that Seth has had a lot more sex in the past few months than he has.

"So, Ryan. What I'm deducing here is that months of proximity to my scorching hotness have finally worn you down. And, just to be on the safe side, since I'm now hip to the gut-wrenching dangers of optimism, I'll assume you're figuring…" and here he leans in to kiss him, "that this is just a one-time thing…" runs his tongue under his chin, along his neck, in a straight, slow line to his navel, "a brief, regrettable ganja lapse. And that when it's over we'll just keep on…" he settles his weight a little farther back, yanks Ryan's belt open, smiles when he groans, "dating these women---"

"Seth. Please. God. I will do whatever you want."

Ryan's voice is low and raw and Seth suddenly understands how serious he is, how he is putting his whole fragile self in Seth's hands. He takes a breath and says, "Yeah. I'm, uh, starting to get that." Then he says, gently, "I think for now all I want is pretty much this."