Thursday, April 3rd
"Hey Josh," I said softly, laying the dozen roses I had brought down in front of his tombstone. "Happy birthday. I know I haven't been here lately. I took me awhile to be able to do this.
"They got your killer. He was convicted of first-degree murder last month, among other things. It was the same guy who raped me. The district attorney is asking for the death penalty. I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I know you were against the death penalty. We'll see on Monday, I guess.
"I went to regionals after everything. There were these two amazing detectives who were investigating your murder, and one of them, she probably didn't even realise she did, talked me into it. I won. Well, Lauren and I won. We went to states and came in second. We're going to nationals now. Can you believe it? Nationals.
"Your mom came to see me. She gave the ring, and told me what you were going to do. I want you. . . I want you to know, that you didn't have to give me that ring." I knew my voice was cracking. Tears formed in my eyes. "I'm yours forever. I love you Josh. I always will. It's easy as that. You know what the first thing I did when we came in second for states? I called you.
"Andrew ruined my life. He was like a cloud. He just took away all the light in my life. First, he raped me, and took part of me away. But I still had you. And I still had part of myself. But when he took you away. . . he took the rest of me. It was just. . . Boom. You were gone."
"Jamie?" a voice asked from a distance.
"I'll be there in a minute," I called, then turned back to Josh. "I miss you so much. I still can't accept that you're never coming back to me. That I can't call you whenever I need to talk, or just sit on the line, knowing that you're there. I can't figure how I'm supposed to live without you. I know you were a firm believer in things happen for a reason. So I can't be mad at you for dying. I wish I could, but there's no one to blame. It was just. . . it happened. I can't change that." I stood up. Around me, flowers were beginning to peek through the brown clumps of grass. Life was beginning again. So was mine. This time, it was without Josh physically, but he was still here with me. He'd never leave. We'd been one when he was here. Why would it change now?
"Bye," I whispered. "I love you." I took a deep breath, and my first step with my first acceptance of what had happened.
"Ready?" Lauren asked as I approached her.
"Yeah." I wiped my eyes and she gave me a hug.
"You did it," she said softly. "You made it."
I nodded. "I did, didn't I?"
We let go of each other and walked down to the car that was waiting for us.
"You're done?" Mr. Shepard asked. I nodded again. "Are you okay?"
I looked at him for a minute. "You know what? I think I am."
He smiled. "Now, if you two will get in the car, we have nationals to get to." Lauren and I exchanged grins. The three of us piled into the car and it took off. And although he was gone, and although I sounded crazy, I felt Josh closer to me than ever before.
"Hey Josh," I said softly, laying the dozen roses I had brought down in front of his tombstone. "Happy birthday. I know I haven't been here lately. I took me awhile to be able to do this.
"They got your killer. He was convicted of first-degree murder last month, among other things. It was the same guy who raped me. The district attorney is asking for the death penalty. I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I know you were against the death penalty. We'll see on Monday, I guess.
"I went to regionals after everything. There were these two amazing detectives who were investigating your murder, and one of them, she probably didn't even realise she did, talked me into it. I won. Well, Lauren and I won. We went to states and came in second. We're going to nationals now. Can you believe it? Nationals.
"Your mom came to see me. She gave the ring, and told me what you were going to do. I want you. . . I want you to know, that you didn't have to give me that ring." I knew my voice was cracking. Tears formed in my eyes. "I'm yours forever. I love you Josh. I always will. It's easy as that. You know what the first thing I did when we came in second for states? I called you.
"Andrew ruined my life. He was like a cloud. He just took away all the light in my life. First, he raped me, and took part of me away. But I still had you. And I still had part of myself. But when he took you away. . . he took the rest of me. It was just. . . Boom. You were gone."
"Jamie?" a voice asked from a distance.
"I'll be there in a minute," I called, then turned back to Josh. "I miss you so much. I still can't accept that you're never coming back to me. That I can't call you whenever I need to talk, or just sit on the line, knowing that you're there. I can't figure how I'm supposed to live without you. I know you were a firm believer in things happen for a reason. So I can't be mad at you for dying. I wish I could, but there's no one to blame. It was just. . . it happened. I can't change that." I stood up. Around me, flowers were beginning to peek through the brown clumps of grass. Life was beginning again. So was mine. This time, it was without Josh physically, but he was still here with me. He'd never leave. We'd been one when he was here. Why would it change now?
"Bye," I whispered. "I love you." I took a deep breath, and my first step with my first acceptance of what had happened.
"Ready?" Lauren asked as I approached her.
"Yeah." I wiped my eyes and she gave me a hug.
"You did it," she said softly. "You made it."
I nodded. "I did, didn't I?"
We let go of each other and walked down to the car that was waiting for us.
"You're done?" Mr. Shepard asked. I nodded again. "Are you okay?"
I looked at him for a minute. "You know what? I think I am."
He smiled. "Now, if you two will get in the car, we have nationals to get to." Lauren and I exchanged grins. The three of us piled into the car and it took off. And although he was gone, and although I sounded crazy, I felt Josh closer to me than ever before.