Cipher's Elegy
By Cypher
Epilogue
It's still hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that Douglas is dead. Every day I come home and teleport to our--to my room, and expect to see him sitting on his bed, reading. He'd smile at me, ask how my day was, then get engrossed in his tome all over again. That's not how it is. It's been well over a week and I'm still imagining this. And I was just his roommate. I can't even begin to understand what Kitty is going through. There's been a couple nights that Rouge just showed up at my door with a blanket and a pillow because of Kitty's crying or nightmares or something along those lines.
Of course, I just heard all of that from Rouge. Kitty hasn't even looked at me until just a few days ago. She's still angry at me, still blames me for his death. I sometimes wonder if she wishes I had died instead of him. Scott and Jean assure me she doesn't, but her looks, full of hate and pain, make me seriously doubt their words. Until she started looking at me again I started to worry that I wouldn't be able to keep my promise to Douglas: to take care of Kitty. His tone, when he told me, was very odd, but now I understand. He wanted Kitty to be watched, to be cared for, if he didn't make it. I wonder if he knew he would die. I guess it's just another mystery whose answer lies solely in Douglas' head.
Bobby's suffering as well, along with Kitty and myself, though I'm not sure why. Scott says Bobby is blaming himself for being unconscious, that he feels if he had been awake that he could've somehow saved Douglas. He doesn't understand that there was nothing any of us could've done. The temple was falling around us, and if Logan hadn't forced us out when he did, more people would've died. I've told Bobby as much, but it hasn't helped. He didn't even cheer up when the Professor announced Bobby would begin training to be a true X-Men, and that for now he would remain the leader of the New Mutants. Maybe he should see a therapist. He certainly wouldn't be the only one around here who needs to. Everyone is upset. Douglas' death hit a nerve we haven't really exposed before.
While we may be mutants, we're still only mortal. The X-Men have faced the possibility of death, but have never actually had to deal with it. The New Mutants have barely done anything dangerous, and they haven't really faced death before. Now one of our own is gone, killed by a mutant or collapsing stones, and we have to face our own mortality. Jamie's already asked to go home for a week, to spend time with his family, to get over losing an adopted older brother. I've made a promise to take over whatever Douglas was teaching him to help lesson the blow. Scott and Logan, rather than returning home, have taken to spending hours at a time in the Danger Room, training well beyond the Professor's recommendations, and leaving only when they were about to collapse. I think they've taken to that because of the faces of the people at the funeral. It made them feel guilty about failing to protect him.
My Gott, the funeral. That was a small, painful affair. A handful of us mutants, his family, and a few members of the UN were all that showed up. The official story was that Douglas had died saving us from a cave in, sacrificing his safety for the safety of his friends. They were all so proud of him, remarking how kind, generous, and brave he was, even to the end. But I know the truth, and hearing those lies tore me up inside. I so desperately wanted to believe them, but I know I never could. He didn't die a swift death by falling rocks. I've had time to think it over, and I'm fairly certain he died at Exodus' hand. How else could we have managed to escape from the cell and the temple without the demigod trying to stop us? Douglas distracted him, most probably with his complex mind. I haven't told anyone yet, but as I was running through the building, I thought I heard a scream over the explosions. I didn't think of it at the time, but when I got outside and realized Douglas wasn't there, I knew that sound was from him, and it took a lot of willpower not to throw up my lunch.
After the funeral, I slipped away. I didn't feel like celebrating, even if it was celebrating his life. Instead, I hung back in the church and prayed silently that Douglas' soul was happy in heaven, that he would be rewarded for his sacrifice. It took me by surprise when I found myself crying as I prayed. I had a lot to ask of the Father, though, especially for forgiving me for treating Douglas as I had. I don't know how long I just sat there praying, but eventually I made my way out to the cemetery to say one last good-bye. There wasn't a body there, of course. We couldn't search through the rubble without disrupting the radiation field entrapping Exodus. There was, however, a headstone that Logan had purchased and engraved himself. When I got there, I found I wasn't the only one who wanted to say good-bye in private.
Kitty was already there, staring at the granite block marking Douglas' grave. She was clutching one of Douglas' journals against her chest, an object she had asked to keep and his parents had consented. Since she hadn't noticed my approach, I stayed out of her line of site and gave her some privacy. There would be time for me to say good-bye when she was finished. I did notice there was another person near the grave as well, a man with white hair and fair skin. His head was bowed at the gravestone as well, and I wondered who he was, since I hadn't seen him at the eulogy. Then he raised his head and stared at me with crimson eyes that I recognized from a photograph Douglas kept on his dresser. This man was Jonah, the man Douglas had revered so highly, had talked about as the first person to explain his mutation. I tired to speak to him, to ask him about Douglas' past, but he simply turned and walked off, literally vanishing before my eyes. Yet another person suffering because of Douglas' death.
It's been nearly two weeks since his death, and tomorrow Douglas' parents are sending some people to get his stuff. All of us at the Institute, even Kitty, have gone through his part of the room and packed everything into boxes. There are a few items we're going to ask to keep. Bobby found a book that Douglas had used to explain his own personal computer code. Kitty discovered a picture that had been taken on one of their dates, a frame and everything; an anniversary gift. I remember Douglas showing it to me. And what am I going to ask for? His Bible. It's not like the Bible everyone knows, it's literally his Bible. His beliefs, his explanations, his theories, his reasons, his theology. I never asked him about it, and I feel like I owe him that at least. It's one way to get to know him even though he's gone. There was also a 'How To' book explaining certain games, and I'm going to ask for that as well. Jamie's not here to claim it, so I'm going to do it for him because I know the two of them enjoyed looking through it from time to time. Even though Douglas is gone, he'll live in these little mementos.
After his stuff is picked up, Logan and Roberto are going to move out his furniture, making this my room once more. It's funny, I didn't want his stuff, I didn't want him, in my room for so long, and now that I'm finally getting rid of it all, I'm regretting that it has to go. I asked Scott if I could keep the furniture, or at least the bed, but he said the Professor would say no, so I gave up the battle. But it is awkward, a part of my life that I didn't want is leaving and I'm missing it before it's even out the door.
Or maybe I'm missing him. Wait, what maybe? I am missing him. I only hope that one day things will return to normal. That I can wake up without feeling guilty for everything I did to him. That Kitty will make it through a day without crying because something reminds her of her late boyfriend. That we can go back to being X-Men without the realization that this battle could be our last haunting us. That we can eventually come to terms with losing our friend and colleague, and not look upon it with just sorrow, but remember the good times as well. And I hope to all that is holy that this nightmare, the evil and sacrifice that we've suffered, will never, ever happen again.
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Author's Prattle: Amen, Kurt, amen. That's it! Yep, I mean it. Cipher's Elegy is over and done with! No more chapters! No more updates! We are done and done! And I mean done. Okay, enough bad puns. I hope you enjoyed this final chapter. It took me a while to work it out (and two drafts, a rarity) before I got the tone juuuuuust right. And I did! My beta loved it! I hope you did too! And if any of you are feeling ominous by Kurt's last paragraph...you should. For I have plans, great, horrible, evil plans that many people dread and anticipate greatly. What does this mean? Well...if you read the ominous feeling correctly, you know. For those of you who didn't? I'll give you a clue: is death REALLY the end?
Disclaimer. I dont own X-Men Evolution, Exodus, or Cipher. They all belong to Marvel. I'm just using the characters in an exercise of creativity. Don't sue, as I just wiped my bank account with this semester's tuition.
Until my next fic! It will be out soon...and shouldn't be as long as this one. Reviews are welcome, and thanks for reading!