Chapter 13:

Rose

We drove a couple of hours before I checked into a hotel. We couldn't let Hans know yet that Sonya had been restored and why, so it meant we had to get the same suite we had gotten on previous occasions. two bedrooms and a living room.

It was quickly decided that Sonya and Mikhail would share one room. They were already willing to give up so much to join us on our mission, that we couldn't really deprive them of their alone time. But that left Dimitri, Mia and me.

"I'll take the couch." Dimitri announced. There was a pull out couch in the small living room area and although it seemed like it was big enough, it didn't seem very comfortable. But really what was the alternative? Me on the couch and Mia and Dimitri sharing a bed - which was just too weird- or me and Dimitri sharing a bed and Mia on the couch. Which was weird for a whole other reason.

"We can take turns." I offered, not really knowing if we could, but wanting to offer anyway.

He nodded, but he seemed to have realized the same as me. Unless we could do an all girls room and all boys room, he had to stay seperate.

We got settled in and I took the time to text Sydney. I had gotten the autopsy photo from Guardian Croft and was texting it to Sydney to see if she could find a match. I knew the Alchemists had extensive records and probably knew more about us than we did. I accompanied the text with a few smiley faces and a couple of 'please's and hoped she could help.

A moment later I heard the ping from my phone indicating a new text.

Always fun to hear from you Rose. And now you are sending me pictures of corpses.

I chuckled. Sorry. but I wouldn't send you pictures of dead people if it wasn't important. My friend was attacked by this man.

It took her a few moments to respond. We got the request via Guardian headquarters too. We are gathering information now. I will send it to you as well if we have something.

Of course, I wasn't the only one who had Alchemist contacts, the people who were supposed to have Alchemist contacts actually had Alchemist contacts.

Thanks. I owe you one.

You owe me a few actually, but don't worry, I will collect some day. She actually finished with a smiley face and I smiled. We had a weird friendship, but a friendship nonetheless.

Being satisfied with everything that I could do on that front, I went back to the living room and got all my stuff out. I wrote up the daily report, saying we were following a trail north. It wasn't exactly a lie, but I wondered how much trouble I would be in once Hans knew of my side mission. Although I had Tatiana's note, stating she was giving me this mission. So maybe that would keep me out of trouble.

I snorted. That Tatiana would be the one to keep me out of trouble was ironic and hilarious at the same time. Yet, I owed her and that idiot Council a lot. If they hadn't given me this Strigoi hunting mission, I would have had no alibi for Tatiana's murder. I would have been in jail. I can't believe I owed my freedom to the short-mindedness and bigotry of the Council.

I picked up the now so familiar and well used map and placed it on the small table. It almost functioned as a tablecloth, so big was the map- or so small was the table. The map was running off on all sides, but luckily the piece I was supposed to focus on was flat on the table.

It was three o'clock in the afternoon. We still had a few hours until it was dark. And I wanted to hit the Strigoi hide-out just after sun-rise. But we could use the night to investigate and track how many Strigoi we were dealing with.

Also I was conscious we had two Moroi with us now. Mia and Mikhail had been working well together, but I had no idea how to integrate Sonya. She was surely powerful and having someone that could heal on our team wasn't bad either, but she had no experience with fighting, or guardian protocols. Mia had learned a lot in the time she spent at Court. Sonya was going in blind.

Not to mention, they would need to feed again soon. It had been two days since they last fed at Sonya's house. They could go another day or so, but I didn't want them weak. Besides we were in a major city right now and I had checked my laptop and there was a feeder station nearby.

"So I thought we would use the afternoon to get Mia and Sonya to the feeders and then once it is dark we stake out the place and rest, then just after dawn, we strike."

"What about me?" Sonya asked.

I really didn't know what to do with Sonya. The hotel wasn't warded, so leaving her alone in the hotelroom didn't seem like a good option. but keeping her with Mia and Mikhail could also be dangerous. I knew both could handle a stray Strigoi. I had no idea how Sonya would react, besides if she had any residual trauma like Dimitri had, her reaction to a Strigoi could be very unpredictable.

"I want you to stay in the car and be in contact with Mikhail. The doors are locked at all times and you are behind the wheel ready to get us out of there or get away at a moment's notice."

I expected resistance either from Sonya or Mikhail, but both nodded. It really was the safest place for her.

There was a silent conversation going on with Mikhail and Sonya no one was privy to. "I'll take Sonya and Mia to the feeders, we should be back before dark."

"Dimitri and I will get some supplies and prepare dinner."

With a plan set we all went to do our respective tasks. Which I realized a little too late left me and Dimitri alone in the room.

"Soooooo." I started. "Can you cook?"

He chuckled and went to look at the supplies we brought from Sonya's house. It was mostly snacks and breakfast stuff, not much to make dinner with.

"I saw a grocery store a block over, I will get some stuff for dinner. Why don't you relax a bit. It has been a challenging couple of days for our fearless leader."

I smiled. It was good to see Dimitri joking again. He seemed lighter these last few days. Ever since Sonya was restored he seemed to come to terms with his own restoration. Maybe helping guide her made him realize how far he had already come. It was almost surreal if I thought back to the shaking Dimitri turned away from me in a cell a couple of weeks ago. He and this man were not the same man. He was looking and acting more and more like the old Dimitri. Well, maybe not really the old Dimitri, but finding a new equilibrium.

"I won't say no to that." Also it gave me and Dimitri some time apart. And right now, the more time apart the better. I had no idea how to react to him since the almost-kiss. Did he still want me? Did I still want him? What did it mean? I was driving myself nuts just thinking about it and being around Dimitri wasn't helping. Certainly not since he was getting better. Seeing him broken was easier in a way. I knew there was no future with that Dimitri, I had only needed closure from that Dimitri, but this Dimitri? This one was confusing me and playing with my head.

I heard the door to the suite close and I got undressed. This bathroom had a tub and it has been so long since I had a bath. They even had some bubble bath soap I could pour into it. I knew I didn't have that long, but a nice hot bath was really what I needed right now.

The bubble bath smelled amazing and I lowered my naked body down into the bathtub. The hot water nearly burned me, but I liked it that way. It warmed me all the way to my bones and loosened my muscles. I groaned as I slipped myself completely under water.

I took the time in the bath to groom a few rather sasquatchy legs and pits and then put a hair mask in my hair. It needed to sit for a few minutes so usually I didn't bother. But as I rinsed my hair out a few minutes later and it felt silky soft I was glad I did. Just a few self-care actions and I felt a million times better.

I wasn't a self-conscious girl. But I had noticed that the mission was starting to make me a little run down. As a Guardian I rarely had time for girly stuff. So I took the opportunity when it presented itself. After all, one didn't need to look good hunting Strigoi. But feeling good, now that was practically mandatory.

After the bath got too cold for my liking - which was probably still hot enough for other people- I got out of the bathtub and dried myself off. I put on some tight leggings and a loose shirt. I was brushing my hair when Dimitri came in.

"Rose, I-" He stopped talking. He looked like he didn't actually know what he wanted to say. He swallowed a few times. I turned around from the mirror so he had my undivided attention.

"Rose. There is something I want to tell you. Now, I know I have no right, after what I did to you, but I want you to know that…"

A pause. Oh God, that pause.

"Yes?"

"That…" We moved closer again. I told myself that it was because I wanted him to be more comfortable and make it easier to share what he wanted to share. But I knew it was a lie. I just wanted to be close to him. Something that filled me with as much dread as it did joy.

We were now inches apart as we had been the other day. He put a wet strand of hair behind my ear and I shivered at the contact. He smiled, no doubt appreciating that hair mask now. My hair feels really nice right now.

"I wanted to tell you… that I am glad we are here together on this mission. I know I handled things badly when I was restored. And I don't expect you to forgive me for any of it. But just know…"

know what? Damn those pauses, just spit it out Dimitri.

"That I never stopped loving you." Oh God. My world shattered. He bent down and I could feel his lips touch mine. My heart was ready to explode in my chest. I had wanted to hear him say those words for so long. At the Academy, after he was restored. and I wanted him so much.

So it was a surprise to both of us when I pushed him away. It hurt so much to do it, but that was exactly why I had too.

He looked absolutely devastated. Part of me felt a bit of satisfaction from that, it is exactly what he did to me. But most of me needed him to know what I felt.

"I love you too. I always have and always will. but right now-" I took a moment to organize my thoughts. I didn't want to hurt him, but I needed to be clear and I needed to think of myself right now.

"Everytime you leave me I break. And I can't break right now. There are too many things going on. Too many lives that depend on me."

"Roza, I am not-" I put up my hand to silence him and took a step back, because if I smelled his aftershave again then I would give in and we would be on the bed and half-way to happy town in seconds.

"I know you don't mean too. And it isn't your fault. not really. Not after Viktor, not after you were turned and not when you were restored. But I still love you and I still break everytime. It is because I love you that I break. And the universe seems hellbend on keeping us apart. So at least for now, I can't."

I couldn't help control the tears running down my face. I moved past him and ran out of my room and closed the door. I sat against the wall just crying silently. I knew I made the right decision. I almost laughed, knowing our roles truly were reversed now. He had always pushed me away at the Academy because we couldn't be together.

Maybe after we survive this mission, but right now I need to focus and I couldn't do that if I was wondering when Dimitri and I would be pulled apart again.

Dimitri

I was left standing in her bedroom for God knows how long. I couldn't move. She loved me, but she didn't want to be with me, couldn't be with me. She had given up on us.

I could appreciate the irony. She hadn't said those same words I had used, but it was clear that despite her obvious love for me, she wouldn't allow herself to act on them. I understood it in our current situation. She had responsibilities to keep everyone safe. She was doing an amazing job, but it was a lot for her. She was running three missions now, finding Lissa's sibling, hunting Strigoi and finding out whoever attacked Lissa, oh and who had framed her for murder.

But I wasn't going to give up on us. I finally felt like myself again and I had Rose to thank for that. If she couldn't believe in us, I would. I was going to respect her wish, but I wasn't going to give up. I didn't know how, but I wouldn't stop until I had Rose begging me to kiss her.

Rose

Sonya seemed to be doing fine on the magic front. I had a broken nose in the last fight and was glad that we had a spirit user here to heal it. Broken noses took a long time to heal. I didn't see any of the crazy spirit induced behavior I had witnessed back at the Academy. Being restored seemed to have restored most of her sanity as well. She was handling darkness just fine.

Which reminded me to check in with Lissa. She had her first Monarch trial and passed it yesterday. She had been nervous but she did great. Today she was stressing out about what that meant for her. I probed through the bond and saw some darkness. I concentrated and took some of it into myself.

"What did you just do?" Sonya asked.

It took me a moment to realize she meant taking the darkness from Lissa. "I sometimes take a bit of darkness from Lissa. It keeps her more balanced and she is under a lot of pressure right now. She doesn't need spirit darkness to interfere with that."

I didn't really like the look in Sonya's eyes. It looked like a scolding mother- a look I was painfully familiar with, despite my mother's huge absence in my childhood.

"What about you, Rose? You can't deal with the darkness now either."

I waved her off. "I am fine. I only take a little at a time."

"Repeatedly taking a little, still adds to a lot, Rose. You have to be careful. Your aura is getting darker. One of these days the darkness is going to come out."

I felt fine. I know Sonya must be worried about me and Lissa. She went so crazy with spirit darkness that she turned Strigoi to get away from it. But Lissa and I were fine. I hadn't had any major outbursts since Jesse. But I knew she won't stop worrying unless I tell her I will be careful.

"I won't take more, I promise."

She snorted. "You do know I can tell from your aura when you are lying or not, right?"

I pouted. There are certainly parts about spirit users I am starting to dislike.

She then looked around the room, when she noticed we were the only ones here right now in the main living area she leaned in closer, as if she was going to tell me a big secret.

"Speaking of aura's, what is going on between you and Dimitri?"

I groaned as I let myself fall back on Dimitri's pull-out couch, which was drenched in his scent- that was soooo not helping.

"He told me he still loved me."

Sonya laughed. "Ah, yes, I can understand how that would be upsetting to you."

I really didn't appreciate the sarcasm.

"I love him too, I do. But every time we get close, something pulls us apart. I have been broken so many times, if I lose him now, I don't know if I will survive." The last part wasn't very clear as I was also trying to sniff away some tears.

Sonya laid down next to me and together we stared at the ceiling for a moment.

"But will you survive a lifetime without him? However long that will be?"

That was a very good question.