June 27, 2003
Note: I made a challenge for myself to write something in thirty minutes listening only to one song. Well, here it is, some angsty Malon written accompanied by Evanescence's Bring me to life. If you listen to the song while reading it will set the mood perfectly. It's fairly short and I'm not that content with it but it was a challenge and I don't want to go and re-read it too much or I will end up changing everything and will negate the whole idea of the challenge. This is not very much edited so all errors are, of course, mine. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Do not sue.
Save Me from the Dark
They think they know me.
They look at me and create their pathetic little tale to tell the story of poor Malon from Lon Lon Ranch. They invent reasons for the simplest things that are none of their concern and try to explain everything that I do.
I don't need that.
They don't know anything. They make me seem like a small little girl whose life has been so poorly handled and is forced to live in a ranch and tend to cows and chickens and her lazy bum father. It makes me sick.
I don't assume I know the story of the man in the Archery Shop, and I most certainly don't know the tale behind the girl with the cuckoos. And I don't waste my time thinking up tales for them, I don't spend my time telling rumors about them.
I just want them to leave me alone.
Is that too much to ask?
I shift the weight of the bottles from my left hand to my right hand and continue walking. I'll be arriving Kakariko in a few minutes and I sigh. There was a time I didn't bother with such thoughts. I was carefree. I was innocent. I was a child. What I wouldn't give to be that carefree again. You spend your childhood dreaming you're a grown person, thinking up ways to be more mature, and when you finally reach that time, you yearn for nothing more than to spend some time without any of the worries that being an adult concerns. Not that I consider myself an adult, I'm only sixteen, but it takes incredible effort to remain a child in these circumstances. I look at the guard in the entrance and half-smile; I have to keep my mask on.
The buzz of activity inside makes it much easier to slip my mask on. Everyone seems so cheerful. I wonder how many are like me. I walk steadily towards the shop while smiling at the people who smile first. This is an unusual delivery, but the other bottles of milk broke when someone let them fall. The bottles rattle besides me and I go on. This is, after all, my life. And I'm used to it, I guess.
After the milk delivery, which took the same amount of time as usual, I walk outside. I have no tasks to do for the day but I don't want to spend my time in this place. I walk out and head towards the tree on this side of the small river. It's an open spot but I don't like it because of it, I like it because I can see the people coming out of Kakariko and have a view of the things going on in the castle. These are dark times to be living in, now that the castle has been taken over by Ganondorf, and people don't trust as much. Those in Kakariko smile and go on as if nothing's happened; the growing threat of the castle taking them unawares. I hope they realize this is serious. I hope they realize they can die. That staying in their little town won't save them from anything; it will only delay the inevitable.
I sit under the tree and look around. I can just feel today is going to be one of those days.
I can tell by the time I wake up that's it's about to turn dark and that I should be heading home soon. I didn't count on falling asleep, but I should've seen it coming. It's been a few days since I slept peacefully. Things are just not as easy. When I reach my room, tired and exhausted again, I fall on my bed and stare at the pale yellow walls. It's happening again and I don't think I can stop it.
A few years back I was hit with a small depression. Everything was just too overwhelming, and with the absence of my father, the comic relief of my life, I didn't handle it too well. I was being overworked, and though Uncle Ingo tried his best not to do it, I guess it was not in his nature to be that considerate. I started losing weight and couldn't sleep at night. There were bags under my eyes and I was almost always dizzy. My appetite decreased, I couldn't focus on anything and the nightmares were a nightly ritual. I cried for the littlest things and life was too much of a bother to be worth living. It was around the time I noticed the rumors concerning myself and the ranch, and only the thought of tending my precious horses kept me sane. I dedicated all my time to them and focused on them so hard I overcame that. But now I didn't even have the energy to care about them...
I don't think most horses are that perceptive, but Epona, my favourite, had been more serene lately. It was as if she was trying not to be a bother to me. I hugged my legs close to me and closed my eyes. I couldn't be depressed now; my birthday will be coming up. But somehow not even that was enough to cheer me up.
The next day I'm sitting in the same place under the tree, this time with an old diary in my hands. It was my mother's and she wrote in it when things where at their polars. Either when she was happy enough to write or sad enough to try to. She wrote that it was going to be a therapy of sorts, so that when she was older she could see how balanced her life was. I think it was because she didn't want to write much when she was sad, but most of the entries consist of happy moments. There's her first kiss, her first date, her marriage to daddy, my birth, so many happy moments for her. A stray recipe. And then there are the sad moments, the death of someone, fights, and illness.
It's horrible how life plays those ironic tricks on people. If you don't want to live you become the healthiest person, but when you've so much to life, so much to give, when you're literally a walking happy bubble life gives you this horrible deal. It's like they only want the good people to live for a short amount of time. They make the good people suffer so much, and still they appreciate life, they want to keep living. Some people are just that good that they would save the world without a second thought. I don't think I could do that. I don't think I'm a very good person. Not that I don't appreciate myself, but if I had to do something noble I don't think I would be very willing. I can dream up all I want, but I just don't think I could do it.
I hold the diary close to my chest and breathe in. I'll be crying any second now. It makes me sound like a wimp and a crybaby, but it's just too much. People my age shouldn't be living through this hell. In fact, no. No one should be living through this hell. Fearing the darkness, afraid for their lives. Trying to remember when the last time you were happy was only to realize you can't remember. Because it was so long ago. And if you do the memory is not enough. Afraid to be yourself. And not only afraid, but pretending it's all right. No wonder those people in Kakariko pretend. They have nothing else.
Why does life have to be so unfair?
Why can't things go back to normal?
Why does this have to happen right now?
I look around the darkening sky and see a horse on the horizon. There's a man on top and he looks around.
Go away, I think. You don't want to be here.
As he rides towards Castle Town I see that it's Epona he's riding. But I don't have the energy to stand up. She wouldn't go with a complete stranger but no one I know would go in there. He dismounts and walks inside, and I recognize the green tunic. Oh, Goddesses. It's that... Fairy boy. I close my eyes and lean back. I try to care that he's going inside and probably never coming back, but it's too much. I try to stand up and yell at him before he goes in; that only trouble brews there. I try to say something. But I can't. It's too late and he's gone. I can't help anyone now.
I can't help anyone if I can't even help myself.
I can't help anyone if I don't care enough about it to make the effort.
And what scares me the most is...
...I don't think I have it in me to ever care.