I'm Sorry
Mady Bay - mbay@binghamton.edu
October 7, 2003
I'm sorry. I said I'm sorry. Hell, I must have said it at least a dozen times already. I'll say it a thousand times more, too. Those two words don't say enough, though. They can't. Not now. Like the boy that cried wolf too many times and no one listened anymore, I've said I'm sorry too many times. Not that anyone ever listened to begin with. But this time I mean it. This time I really fucked up. And… and… And Faith is more than paying the price.
I could always live with people not liking me. I never cared what anyone thought about me. Until Faith, anyway. But I'd gotten so used to her being by my side. Even when she was mad at me. Even when I'd screwed up and she'd covered for me. Even through all that's been thrown at us these past few years, I always thought I'd have her forgiveness. I don't know why. I never deserved it. Face it, I'm an asshole of my own design. Cruz was wrong when she said I didn't know when to keep my mouth shut. I knew, I'd just chosen not to. I've taken Faith for granted. I'd forgotten how much I could hurt her.
I'm sorry I put my own stupid ambition ahead of Faith. I'm sorry I bought into Cruz's lies and deceptions. I'm sorry I covered for her. I'm sorry I didn't listen to Faith's warnings. Hell, I'm even sorry I slept with her, too. Never thought I'd say that about any woman. I'm sorry that I couldn't accept the consequences for my own mistakes, then. That I had to drag Faith into it. That she had to be there. That she had to be shot because of the huge mistake I'd made.
Faith. Why the hell did she have to have so much in me? I should have had a partner named Suzy or Bonnie or Jack or Dick. Nope, I got Faith. And now I lost her, too.
I am so sorry, Faith. I'm willing to quit the force. Hell, I'm willing to go to prison for her. I'd die for Faith. But none of those choices had scared me as much as when she told me to go away. Nothing could hurt more than that.
But she's right. I don't deserve to be around her anymore. I was always worrying about me. Bosco, Bosco, Bosco. I'm a selfish bastard. Not that it was any news to Faith. Gee, two weeks ago I would have blamed her for all this - if she hadn't had such Faith in me, I wouldn't have done any of this, right? Yeah, right. It's me, me, me, though. The blame is on me and I know it. And finally, when I'm willing to take the consequences, it's too late. They won't let me. The one time I'm well and truly sorry and willing to take the heat and they won't let me. They want to blame Faith.
So what am I gonna do with this gun in my hand? Part of me says, what about Faith? Who would be there to protect her? Not that I've been doing so great a job. Who's gonna keep Cruz away from her? Who's gonna take care of her? Now that she won't have a job. Now that she won't have medical coverage because she shouldn't have been there. Because I crippled her. In more ways than just the physical. But the other part of me says I should just pull the damn trigger. Put everyone I've ever hurt out of their misery. Especially Faith. I'd have more guts than Glenn; he had to have someone else to the deed!
I'm sorry. I'm so goddamned sorry.