Chapter Six:
And It's Breaking Her Heart

Kenshin had refrained from asking Kaoru any more questions about her past. She was quite upset for the first few days of her stay, but had mellowed a bit as time passed. She did not say much to him besides normal courtesies, and he did nothing but ask if she was hungry and told her that her bandages needed changing. She was still very stubborn. She tried to get up almost every day, but the pain was enough to keep her down for the most part. Still, she tried and tried until but the end of the week, she could pick up small objects. She still had that same spirit about her. She would not be denied.

Morning had come and Kenshin fixed a big breakfast for Kaoru. His other guests would be pleased by the special and he knew she would be too. He opened the door to the room to find her standing by the window. The morning light was pouring inside the room, covering her body with a soft yellow light that illuminated her creamy skin. Her tan had faded since she had been in the house and she was now her original color. Her nightshirt was thin and hugged her curves beautifully. Her raven hair fell down her back. She seemed to be moving in slow motion when she turned to Kenshin, her glorious blue eyes staring back at him, melting his heart. She was stunning, he thought to himself. That was not the reason he fell in love with her, but one could not get around it. For a minute, he felt like they were back at the dojo, and she was about to give him orders for the day, his sweet, Kaoru-dono. She looked down at the tray and a little smile came over her face. Was he dreaming?

"That actually looks good, but I am not hungry," she said, her tone a bit heavy. Something was bothering her. Kenshin walked into her room and placed the tray by her night stand. She watched his every movement. He turned to her, meeting her stare. She coughed nervously, then finally spoke.

"I know you don't want me querying about you, but you seem rather…detached today," Kenshin said, moving closer to her. "I am wondering if you wouldn't mind sharing with me?"

Kaoru's eyes narrowed as they normally did when Kenshin was around. It was always "Twenty Questions" with him. But, as the days passed, she understood his position more. MAYBE, he did think he was doing the right thing. Going of that assumption, of course he would be curious as to how her life turned out as it did. But, he still had not right, no right at all. Besides, she didn't want to relive the past…even though she had every night in her dreams.

"No, Kenshin…no," she said, shaking her head. "You may not know what is bothering me."

Kenshin sighed and nodded. He would respect her wishes. That was the only way he could get through to her, perhaps. He had to be patient, he had already lost so much from not thinking clearly and taking all things into account.

"I will not intrude anymore, Kaoru-dono. This lowly one is not worthy of knowing, no, I am not," he said, as if he were the Rurouni again. She lowered her eyes as he shut the door behind him. She felt bad for him, for the first time in six years. She looked out the window, and sighed.

Kenji would be five today.

"Today's your son's birthday," she shouted, putting her head down. Kenshin stopped his stride down the hall and froze. Did she just…did he hear right? He ran back to the room to see her crying, her hand to her face, wiping the tears away. Kenshin's expression cracked. He opened his mouth to move, but nothing came out. His lungs moved but no air went into them. He moved closer to her, she did not back away, did not tell at him. He took her into his arms finally and embraced her like he had been longing to since the moment he saw her in the woods.

"Kaoru-dono," he cried, holding her tight, hoping she would respond in like. Kaoru was in a state of shock over her own actions. Why did she call out, tell him that? He doesn't deserve to know this. No, why? There has to be a reason, she thought as she slowly began to trace her hands across his body and take him in. The warmth of his body, the feeling of it next to hers. She had gone so long without it. It felt…good. She didn't feel empty, for a change. She didn't feel cold…she needed this. Why?

"I don't know why I am doing this," she whispered, tasting her salty tears. Kenshin shook his head and rubbed her hair gently, stroking it softly, seeing if it felt the same after all these years. It did. It was thicker, but it was still a cascade of silken strands. He then moved his hands down to her back, trying to feel her warmth through the thin fabric. She shuddered at the sensation of someone touching her. Was she rarely touched? Did she share contact with anyone?

"What do you want me to do, Kaoru-dono," he asked her.

"Make me forget. I don't want to feel pain…no pain," she cried, throwing her head back. Kenshin nuzzled his face into her neck and kissed her flesh ever so gently. Is this what she wanted, truly? Would she hate him even more? Did he care right now since he had her in his arms? Yes! He cared! He wanted her in his arms forever, not just for the moment. He would not just throw her away again. NEVER again. Kenshin moved his lips to her and grazed them. The touch sent heat flowing through both bodies, the contact hotter than lightning.

"I can't make you forget, but I want you to heal. This won't make you heal," he whispered, kissing her between words. Kaoru screwed her face, her eyes burning from the tears, ears ringing from his words. Was he…rejecting her? She softly pushed him away to look him in the eye. She wanted to make sure she wasn't confusing the situation.

"I cannot give you all of me, Himura. I may never be able to. I hate you, but I…I…" she couldn't finish her sentence. Could six years of hatred be melting off of her heart? Was she really ready to say what she was thinking, what she was feeling? YES…no…maybe? She didn't know. She was confused. She hated him, right? But, she loved him before he left? No…he left her pregnant and alone…no, she hated him. Yes…no…maybe?

"Oh…just get out," she yelled, pushing him away, walking over to her bed. She sat down and plopped her head on the pillow and immediately started crying. Was she to go mad over this? No, she couldn't allow that to happen. THAT she was sure of. To rectify the problem, she'd just have to remove Himura out of the equation, then everything would be simpler. Kenshin lowered his head and walked out her room without saying anything to her. How much more could his heart take? Wait, how dare he even think that? How much has Kaoru been though? As much as he has. He never had to carry a child just to lose him. No, he had left…left her to deal with that on her own. He could not be selfish. He had to be patient.

But if he left her alone, she would leave. Just like he did.

"Kaoru-dono," he whispered ever so softly to himself. What was he to do?

"Kenshin..." he heard come from behind him. Kaoru was standing there, biting her finger. She looked so innocent, so much like the Kaoru he had known. Her eyes were wide and unknowing. She looked…scared. She looked alone.

"I…I don't know how to make this right," he admitted, cupping her cheek into his palm. She leaned her face into his touch and sighed.

"I don't know how to make it right, either. Fact is…I don't know myself anymore," she confessed, "I don't know my own heart."

Kenshin looked at her form somberly. She was in mental anguish, emotional turmoil. Her heart had been taken through the ringer and back again. The only way she survived is becoming the toughest of the tough. She never had to test the barrier she erected, not until she saw Kenshin again. And that barrier came crashing down. Kenshin took her hand and placed it between her breasts so she could feel her beating heart. It was racing with her lungs to see which could go faster. He then tilted her perfectly formed chin up, so her eyes could meet his.

"I don't know your heart, either, but I know underneath it all…you are still Kamiya Kaoru, assistant master of the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu. The girl who told me that a sword should be used to protect, not hurt. I'll never forget that moment you first told me that, for that is the moment this lowly one knew his heart was yours," Kenshin said, brushing a strand of hair away from her face and behind her ear. Kaoru cut her eyes away from him, but did not push him away.

"That girl does not exist. All that is left of her are memories. Can you find yourself in love with a murderer, Himura-san? An assassin? A mercenary? This is who I am, a persona formed almost directly by your hand. Can you love your creation, a person who is for everything you were once against," her humbled voice questioned. Kaoru then stared at Kenshin's pair of violet eyes, waiting for an answer. He had not considered her thought before. What if she was never to change? Could he love her? Could he do as his past love, Tomoe did? Kenshin nervously smiled and traced her face with his finger. The display of affection made Kaoru step back a bit. She was becoming uncomfortable with his reluctance to answer her questions.

"I don't know, Kaoru. What I do know is that the Kaoru I fell in love with is still there. I can see her when you are angry. I can see her right now, in your eyes. I want her to come back, if not for me…for you. I know from experience, the life of an assassin is a lonely one," he said, now leaning against the wall. Kaoru, twisted her face in a mix of anger and hurt feelings. Hurt feelings? How can she be hurt by a man she hates? Because she still love him, perhaps?
"If you cannot love who I am, you will never know me. You can never love me as before. I like being alone, Himura-san. You can't get hurt by anyone else," were the words she left Kenshin with before retreating back into her room. Once the door was shut, she leaned against it and slid down to the floor. She had never expressed her feeling as she just did. She was feeling a mix of fear, relief and exhilaration, but why? Could Kenshin have been right? Kaoru rubbed the bridge of her nose and stood up. She walked over to her bed and began to pack her sack. She would not stick around to find out. She had allowed him too deep into her mind, into place even she didn't travel anymore. He would mistake that as an invitation to dig deeper, something she was not ready to have happen. In a matter of moments, she had her clothes changed and her bag packed. She pocketed her money, put left a few coins at the night stand. Then, like a skilled thief, she crept out of the window silently and was on her way again, her destination unknown.


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