Ok, Ok....I know I have depressed you guys to no end. Just bear with me, ok?
Chapter Eight:
Can I?
The rain seemed to penetrate Kaoru's skin through the night shirt she managed to slip on before she darted out the cave. It was a hard, driving rain that stung as it fell onto her flesh not covered by Kenshin's small frame. She dug her nails into him and pulled him closer as she looked off blankly into the distance. Was this what she wanted? What she needed? She closed her eyes and took in his scent. He always smelled so pleasant, like fresh dew in the morning. Kaoru remembered how she loved to see in him the morning, working on breakfast. She would walk up to him and smell his fresh scent. It took her right back to the dojo, to those years.
"How did you find me," she whispered in his ear, not daring to let him go.
Kenshin nuzzled his head against her and let his warm breath fall against her cheek, creating a mist in the rain.
"I was looking for you and grew tired. I decided to rest against a try and I had a dream...about Kenji. When I awoke, I raced to find you," he said, trying to explain.
Kaoru backed away the moment she uttered Kenji's name. She looked at him, nothing but gray around him, the water dipping from every inch of his body.
"Kenji...what about Kenji," she managed to ask through her shock. Kenshin shook his head and brought his hand to the nape of his neck.
"I dreamed that he died..." he said, not telling the full of what he saw in his dream. The thought of his Kaoru-dono sleeping with Sanosuke almost made him blush. Kaoru saw his expression change and she became furious.
"BAKA, that's not all you saw, huh! What where you doing watching my dreams," she yelled, popping him upside the head. He fell over and his eyes began to swirl.
"Oro," he said while on the muddy ground. He sat up and then looked her in the eye, realizing their exchange. It was...just like old times. Kenshin rubbed the lump on his head, but not to make it go away. He missed having a lump on his head every day. Kaoru was not taking it as well though. She was confused and frightened. How was he doing this to her? The more she was around him, the more she found herself falling back in time. It scared her. She was not ready to go back there, she didn't want to. But it seemed the more she resisted, the deeper she fell in. Perhaps, just maybe...she should stop pushing away. She cut her eyes to the cave, then to Kenshin... and hoped she wouldn't regret her next move.
"Kenshin, you will catch your death out here. Come inside," she said as she walked into the entrance of the cave. Kenshin was surprised by her offer, but gladly accepted it without question. Not much was said during the walk to her lair. He just looked about at the rock formations. The smell of the cave was odd. It was damp and smelled of the limestone, but it wasn't unpleasant.
"Why would you want to live here," he asked, looking at her humble, yet complete holding. Kaoru turned around a look at him with a big of shock.
"Hey, YOU used to be a rurouni, too, yanno. I guess being an innkeeper had gone to your head already. Now just shut up before I change my mind," growled Kaoru as she went in a chest and grabbed some dry clothes. She slipped them over her body and then walked over to Kenshin, handing him a clean pair of trousers. He bowed as he accepted them and began to peel out of his rain-soaked clothes. He kept his eyes on Kaoru the whole time. She had lit a fire and placed a Chinese Wok over it. Then she added a bit of oil and rice and began to fry them. Kenshin smiled a bit...to see Kaoru cooking...like she was actually GOOD at it. Kaoru, feeling eyes on her, looked up at Kenshin. He was annoying her already, but she did invite him in. After the rice was cooked, she placed it in a bowl and handed it to Kenshin. He bowed and took it. The rice smelled wonderful.
"You have really improved," he said as he put the rice into his mouth. He chewed for a moment, then his jaws stopped. Yes, this was his Kaoru. Only she could foul up fried rice. Seeing how critically she as looking, he continued to chew and swallowed it down painfully. She frowned and took the bowl from him.
"You don't have to pretend, Kenshin," she said calmly. Right as she put the bowl down, she seemed to grow a hundred feet and fangs.
"YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT," she yelled, nearly blowing Kenshin away. He was beginning to wonder if the Hikotori Kaoru was actually safer to be around.
"Gomen nasi," he repeated, trying to calm the beast that roared within her. After a few moments, she calmed down and plopped down by the fire, warming herself up. Kenshin decided to stay right where he was and not to say a word, less he wanted to be chewed out again.
"Now, tell me what you saw in the dream," she demanded, not looking at Kenshin. He gulped, then searched his mind. He remembered seeing Kaoru and Kenji in the dojo. He had never seen his son, except for in that dream. He felt his heart ache a bit for him, for the lost memories never experienced, emotions never felt.
"Kenji was running a fever, sick with influenza. Sanosuke brought some water and towels to cool him off. After he fell asleep, you two," he paused for a moment, not being able to say what they did, "You two...when you woke, Kenji had already passed."
Kaoru's eyes stayed focused on the fire. She remembered holding his limp body in her arms, his perfect little face so calm. Her breathing became harsh as she fought tears.
"That is what happened. For a long time, I blamed myself. I felt if I had not been fooling around with Sano, I would have been alert when he turned for the worst. I talked to a doctor about a year later, but when I listed the symptoms Kenji had, he said he was as good as dead days before he died. My dear Kenji," she explained in a quiet tone, her voice growing fainter. She could almost see him again, she her pride and joy.
"Kaoru-dono, what happened in Tokyo?"
The question hit Kaoru like a ton of bricks. Her eyes narrowed dangerously at him, as if he had no right or reason to ask such a question. In a way, he didn't. He was no fool, he knew full well what happened in Tokyo. Raijuuta's plans succeeded. Even after his battle with Kenshin, he continued his quest to overthrow the government. He had regrouped and unleashed an attack on Tokyo. They felt the best way to start was from the ground up, and Tokyo was burnt down. Many people lost their lives, guilty only of trying to save their families, their possessions, their land. Merciless wolves, they took over the city in a year. It again was an era of wearing katana's on your hip and killing or being killed.
"That is a stupid question, Himura-san," Kaoru spat, rising from her sitting position, pacing back and forth. Kenshin lowered his head, trying to figure out how to clean his words up.
"When I meant was, what happened that turned you into a mercenary, a killer," he said. Kaoru rolled her eyes and turned her back to him. She should have figured he would continue to ask questions. She slowly turned back around, her attitude still evident.
"After Sanosuke died, I was on my own, completely. There weren't a lot of good-paying jobs available to women at the time. I could be either a prostitute or an opium-pusher. Neither were choices for me. I took what money I had left, my bokken and set off. I had no plan, really, just to get out of there. I was up in the mountains when I was attacked by a band of thieves. I was able to fight all but one off. He had a katana, me, just my bokken. He and slashed it in half and was about to kill me when I just hurled the useless piece of wood at him. It struck him in the neck and crushed his windpipe. I had killed him," Kaoru explained, her head lower as she relived the events. She took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly, as if trying to remember the rest.
"I had never killed before. I was scared and ashamed. I buried his body and took his katana. Why I kept it, I know, but I did. As days passed, I came to grips with what I did. It was self-defense. I realized that my ideals, as you said when you first met me, were childish. I knew I wasn't a child anymore, so I threw those ideals away. I practiced with his katana. I took my training and what I had seen of your swordsmanship and learned to kill with it. I killed often, for men were either trying to rape or rob me. Word got around about me and it wasn't long before someone offered me to kill for money. I needed it. I accepted the offer. I have been doing it ever since."
Kenshin sat in his place, taking in her words. He was shocked, yet he was not. He knew how ti was to be a victim of circumstance. He knew what it was like to be a prisoner to the smell of blood, the exhilaration of the kill, the cold feeling each death left you with. It turned your heart to ice. You became numb, mechanical. The only emotion you showed was in battle, when you smirked to see another fallen opponent.
"In Kyoto, death was expected. You did not cross my sword and live, that was the point...the very reason I was there. I was but a child, though. I was 15 when I married. It took losing my family to turn me cold. It took losing my wife to see the light," he said as the words came to him. He looked up at Kaoru, her eyes still on the ground. He hadn't talked much about his wife...not even in the somewhat peaceful days in Tokyo. His past was a mystery to her, but he was opening up.
Finally.
"You once told me your wife changed you. How had she impacted you," Kaoru asked.
Kenshin did not hesitate to explain the sorted details. Kaoru hung onto his every word and he mentioned Tomoe and how he had killed her fiancee and how the who affair ended with his sword penetrating her body. Finally, the origin of his scar was revealed, and the real reason he swore never to kill again. Kaoru dropped her eyes, her eyes looking at the now dying fire in front of her. She had realized he had taken at least two hours explaining everything to her. She felt sheepish. She knew his past was sorted, but she never could have imagined that. They had more in common than she ever imagined...than she would have ever liked to have in common with him.
"Kaoru-dono," he said, trying to get through her silence. Her head rose and she looked him in the eye. "Kaoru, because of what Tomoe did for me...I know I can love you. That is the gift she left me, I know it. I love you more than my next breath Kaoru. I left because I thought you would be better off without me. Instead, you turned into the creature I was once. Even still, I love you. I will always love you. Though, I will always miss my sweet Kaoru from Tokyo, I will always love the woman she has grown to be."
Kaoru's eyes began to well with tears. She didn't know what to say. What could she say? Her own hate for him seemed so petty now. Suddenly, it seemed not to matter. His pain matched hers. This wasn't fair! She still wanted to hate him. She had to hate him. That hate his driven her all these years! What would be her fire now? Her reason for living?
Before she could think another thought, she felt arms around her and Kenshin's head resting on her shoulder. And for once, she didn't think. She didn't hate. She didn't mourn.
She took him into her arms, and kissed him.
Awwww, ain't that so sweet? And it's not over yet, nope! This is a bridging chapter to the next part of the fic. What lies ahead for the pair. Has she really forgiven him? Can he really love her as he says he can? There's only one way to find out!