Episode #12:
"A Feline Frenzy! Ranma's Cat Scratch Fever"
Featuring the voices of:
Sarah Strange as Ranma Saotome/Venus Terzo as Ranko Saotome
Mike Dobson as Kenma Saotome
Kelly Sheridan as Ukyo Kuonji
Terry MacGovern as Djinn/D. Jinn
Frank Welker as Tomo
Cathy Weseluck as Shampoo
David Kaye as Soun Tendo
Garry Chalk as Genma Saotome
Angela Costain as Nabiki Tendo
Willow Johnson as Kasumi Tendo
Myriam Sirois as Akane Tendo
Don Brown as Sasuke Sarugakure
Ted Cole as Tatewaki Kuno
Terry Klassen as Akihito Masuda
Will Ryan as Junichi Masuda
and Ted Lewis
REVIEW RESPONSES:
Guest: Wasn't expecting this so soon, but I'm glad to see it. Do you plan to cover any of the movies?
RESPONSE: Yeah, we do! Big Trouble in Nekonron, China will be our mid-season special, and we'll probably take care of Nihao, My Concubine later too. Either as a season finale or the Season 3 premiere. Also some of the later arcs will be adapted as movies, since the so-called 3rd "movie", Team Ranma vs the Legendary Phoenix was basically just a slightly longer episode. No wonder Viz Media originally released it as one of the OVAs!
djinn: great new chapter, look forward to future updates.
Pokemon Suggestions
Kenma: Smeargle a fellow artist, Decidueye supporter from a distance, Eevee potential for evolutions, Primape a fellow ape with a dangerous rage, Chatot, and Clefairy for comedic effect of metronome
Ranma: tyrogue a fellow matial artist potentail evolution up to you, Linoone a fellow speed demon, Kanto version Rapidash for Ranma is a fellow wild horse, Eevee potential evolution Fearow a fearce flying fighter, Dragonite a powerhouse.
RESPONSE: Love those suggestions, muchacho! And you can expect them to drop into the story a few chapters down the road!
Things in Nerima were definitely changing something fierce. The Saotome boys had grown stronger, not to mention made some new friends before coming home again.
And yet, Genma Saotome, stubborn as a thousand mules, was still eager to bring his boys back under his heel. How did he intend to do this?
By enlisting Ranma and Kenma in a bogus training exercise...which involved putting ball-and-chain ankle bracelets on their ankles!
"Remind me..." Kenma grunted as he pulled his ankle bracelet along. "...to MURDALIZE the ol' panda...when this is over...okay?"
"It's on...the list..." Ranma responded as he also pulled his ankle weight behind him.
As the boys made it back to the dojo, they noticed a truck driving away, labeled Maeda Movers.
"A moving van?" wondered Kenma as he broke off his ankle chain and went over to take a look. Ranma broke off his chain and followed him. Taking a look around, they saw a heavyset man in his late-40s, wearing an alphabet-print shirt and some slacks, standing with a young boy around their age; the boy wore thick glasses, a blue shirt, and jeans.
"But dad, I don't know anyone here," the boy protested. "How am I supposed to make any friends?"
"Nonsense, Junichi-m'boy!" his father responded in a jolly tone. "All ya gotta do is go up t' somebody an' make that effort to try and spark the flames of friendship!" he glanced over and saw Ranma & Kenma. "Speakin' of which...hi-dee-ho there, neighboroni! Name's Akihito Masuda, and this 'ere's my boy, Junichi!"
Junichi waved, albeit halfheartedly.
"Well...hi there," responded Ranma. "Name's Ranma Saotome, and this schlemiel next to me is my brother Kenma."
"How's it hangin'?" added Kenma.
"Do ya live nearby?" asked Akihito.
"Sure, right next door," responded Kenma. "If you come over, ask for Soun Tendo. He's the big cheese over at the homestead."
"Will-do!" replied Akihito. "Also, the missus and I are holding a barbecue on Saturday, so wouldja like to come over?"
"We'll be glad to let them know," stated Ranma. But we probably shouldn't tell the old man, right?
Of course not, Kenma thought back. He'd probably help himself to everything on the grill and at the snack table. Not to mention, he probably wouldn't stop mooching off them. Probably saying something like "A martial artist's duties can't be fortified without the kindness of their neighbors!" Whatever excuse works to justify his shitty behavior...
"Also, couldja take Junichi with ya to school today?" asked Ahikito. "As a favor between neighbors? Pleeeease?"
"...well, okay," relented Ranma, right before he was wrapped in a massive bear-hug.
"Thanks, li'l buddy!" Akihito beamed as he patted Ranma on the back. "I really appreciate this! I sure do owe ya one!"
"Glad to hear it," Ranma grunted as he pried himself out of the massive hug. "C'mon...Junichi, right? Might as well get'cher things and stop at the house for breakfast."
"Sure thing," Junichi said as he went inside and got a backpack, before following the brothers back to the house.
"Little advice?" suggested Kenma as they came inside. "Keep your head low, and wear a helmet. Also, don't eat anything Akane cooked. It will tear your insides up."
"Which one is Akane?" asked Junichi, looking at the three Tendo daughters.
"The one with the short blue hair," explained Kenma, pointing at Akane, who was spoonfeeding Wilbur. "She acts nice, but she goes berserko if you don't basically kow-tow and kiss her butt about everything she does."
"...okay," gulped Junichi, looking terrified.
"So, back from your morning constitutional, lads?" asked Soun. "I see you've brought a friend."
"This is Junichi, his family just moved in next door," explained Ranma. "Also, his dad is having a barbecue this weekend, and wanted to see if you'd like to come over."
"Well, I wouldn't want to be rude..." started Soun.
"Aw, don't be such a fuddy-duddy, Tendo!" Genma retorted with a laugh. "It wouldn't hurt to check this barbecue out. After all, there's plenty of great food at those!" his stomach gurgled as he began to salivate in joy at the thought of scarfing down barbecue food.
Ranma and Kenma each shot a knowing look at each other. Called it, they both thought.
Soon both boys were finished, and they got ready to head to school. "OK, Junichi, we're almost ready to go," said Kenma. "And we gotta get there before 8, alright?"
"Alright," nodded Junichi as he got his backpack and shoes.
So Nabiki was first out the door, then Ukyo, then Akane, Ranma, Kenma and Junichi.
"OK, when we get to school, there's this sword-swinging goofus who calls himself 'the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High'," explained Kenma on the way. "He wants to be called 'Upperclassman Kuno', but I just call him 'Jackass-Man Kuno'."
"I just call 'im the Blue Blunder," added Ranma. Junichi chuckled a little at this.
"So why is Akane's cooking so bad?" he asked.
"Maybe it's because she never looks at what she's throwing in," shrugged Kenma. "Or maybe it's because she tries to "spice up" the recipe with her own ill-advised ingredients. One time, she put...*winces* vinegar in cookies."
Junichi's face turned a bit green. "Has she ever tried to make mac and cheese?" he asked.
"Sure, last night," replied Ranma. "The cheese sauce got stuck to the pot's surface, and the macaroni was soggy & tasteless."
"Luckily, Shampoo and Ukyo were there," Kenma added. "We had okonomiyaki AND ramen instead!"
"Wow...now that sounds good," commented Junichi as they entered the school gates. Suddenly, they heard approaching footsteps. Fast-approaching ones, too.
"SAOTOME BROTHERS, PREPARE THYSELVES!" shouted a familiar voice.
Kenma glanced at his watch. "Six seconds early...someone's getting pre-emptive," he remarked.
"Speakin' of which...there's the clown himself," Ranma commented, pointing to Upperclassman Kuno. The would-be swordsman swung his bokken, but got beaned in the head by a rock.
The thrower of said rock was one Ryunosuke Fujinami, a.k.a. Ryno, a.k.a. Reyna. "Never did like his attitude," she commented. "Hey, guys. Who's the new kid?"
"Junichi Masuda," introduced Ranma, with a flourish.
"And that would be Ryunosuke," said Kenma, as he pushed his bespectacled friend forward.
"Well! Nice t'meetcha, Junichi," said Ryno as she shook hands with the boy.
"Likewise," commented Junichi. "...you've got quite the handshake for a girl."
Ryno coughed in surprise, as her face was flushed. This was the second person to realize she was a girl! Before she could speak up, another pain in the butt made itself known.
"Don't be daft, lad!" shouted Mr. Fujinami as he ran over. "Ryunosuke's a BOY, obviously! And those lumps on his chest are just too many bug bites!"
He was immediately greeted with a frying pan to the skull and a fist in the mouth, both courtesy of Ryunosuke.
"How's that for a bug bite, ya old moron?" she hissed, pulling her fist loose-along with a few of her father's teeth.
"We'd better get you inside: don't want you being late on Day 1," advised Kenma as he pulled Junichi by the hand.
"Alright...it was nice meeting you, Ryunosuke," said Junichi as he was pulled offscreen.
"Y-yeah..." blushed Ryunosuke. "...you too..."
LATER THAT DAY...
Ranma was on his way out of the school as he dodged yet another sword attack from Mister Blue Blunder, who threw him an envelope, which he caught. It was labelled "challenge".
"Consider this a formal challenge," grunted Kuno. "This time, I shall defeat you in one-on-one combat."
"If you say so," Ranma shrugged as he went home. Of course, once Ranma left, Kuno pulled out a cellphone and began dialing.
"Pick up already, Sasuke. It's not like you have any other contacts besides my twisted sister and I..." he muttered.
After a few minutes, the other line picked up. "You called, Master Kuno?" asked a meager-sounding voice on the other end.
"Your timing is impeccable, Sasuke," responded Kuno. "I have a request to ask of you."
"You have but to name it, milord, and I shall carry it out," Sasuke vociferated.
"I need you to spy on Ranma Saotome and learn of his weakness," instructed Kuno. "Can you do that?"
"But of course! I am your most loyal, humble servant!" exclaimed Sasuke. "He shall not even see me!"
"See that he doesn't," Kuno added before hanging up and pocketing his phone.
As Ranma, Kenma and Junichi made their way home, with Akane and Nabiki accompanying them, they didn't exactly spot a blur jumping through the treetops and over rooftops...of course, they didn't see that same blur stubbing his toes every five minutes and falling on his face.
While Akane, Junichi, and Nabiki went around the front entrance, Ranma and Kenma hopped the fence and landed in the Tendo backyard. As Ranma headed towards the back door, he saw something rustling in the bushes.
"Wonder what that is..." he muttered. "Hey, P-Chan, c'mon out. If ya do, I swear I'll only knock you around a little bit!"
But what came out of the bushes was not a pig. In fact, it was that strange little cat creature Kenma had found in China.
For about five seconds, neither boy or cat moved.
...and then, an ear-splitting scream pierced the skies of Nerima.
"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Within seconds, Soun, Nabiki, Kasumi, Jinn, Akane, Shampoo, and Junichi raced into the backyard. When they arrived, they found Ranma, lying in a heap, paralyzed, as Tomo, the Meowth, sat on his stomach, licking one of its paws.
Genma filled up a bucket of water, and splashed it over Ranma's head. The sudden jolt brought him back to consciousness...although by then, he had turned into Ranko again.
"Coward!" Genma mocked. "And you call yourself a man?"
"SHUT UP!" Ranko hissed, getting to her feet. "This is all YOUR fault!"
"And what are YOU gonna do about it?" asked Genma, holding the Meowth up. Immediately, Ranko leapt onto Kenma, screaming and blubbering in terror.
"I've seen my fair share of lousy fathers," commented Jinn as he shook his head. "But this Genma Saotome really takes the cake...and eats it all by himself."
SHORTLY, INDOORS...
"So what's ailurophobia?" asked Akane.
"In other words: the fear of cats," responded Junichi.
"It's so pathetic...that a son of mine could be so gutless!" Genma sobbed into his arm, while Ranma was practically covered in goosebumps while keeping both eyes on Tomo, who was sunning himself.
"Gee, and I wonder whose fault that could be?" asked Ukyo, raising an eyebrow while she was sharpening some knives.
"It's surprising to think that Ranma does have a weak spot after all," commented Shampoo.
"Yes...and the trouble began with the dreaded Cat-Fu training," said Genma, his fingers wriggling.
Kenma gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. It was clear that this was a very sore spot for him.
"What's 'Cat-Fu'?" asked Shampoo.
"Freestyle Cat-Fist Fighting, or Cat-Fu for short," Genma explained. "The training is deceptively easy. First, wrap the trainee's body in fish sausages. Then, throw 'em into a pit of the hungry little critters!"
Kenma's eyes widened as he remembered that dreadful day, as clear as a bell.
Flashback?
You bet your ass we're doin' one.
10 YEARS AGO...
"Ranma?" asked Genma. "Today I'm going to train you in a new technique: it's called the Cat-Fist method."
"Cat Fist?" responded Ranma. "Uh...okay."
"Sounds kinda funny to me," Kenma remarked.
"Well, you're going to watch before you get to learn it, Kenma," replied Genma as he pulled out a string of fish sausages and wrapped them around Ranma's body like tinsel streamers on a Christmas tree.
"What's up with these?" asked Ranma.
"Why, that's just part one of the training," Genma replied as he picked Ranma up and brought him to a trapdoor, which he opened. From deep inside came the hungry meows of dozens of cats.
"...sure are a lotta kitties in there..." said Ranma, peering in.
"And now, Part 2!" Genma declared, as he shoved Ranma into the pit.
"NO!" Kenma shrieked, mortified.
Ranma tumbled end over end as he plummeted into the room full of starving cats. All that could be heard were his screams of terror, mixed with the meowing of all those cats.
Kenma stared down, his hands trembling in terror as his heart beat like a drum.
This was his father's idea of training? Throwing his brother to what would most likely spell certain death? And for what, a technique that might not even work? Fathers weren't supposed to do this...ESPECIALLY not to their children!
Legends say that it was on that day Kenma Saotome experienced the emotion of hatred for the first time in his life.
Flashback, End.
"And it is from this manual I learned the technique," Genma said as he passed over a green book to Soun. Upon looking at it, the mustached man's eyes grew wide with surprise.
"Unbelievable!" Soun blurted. "This lost tome was written several hundred years ago!"
He opened it up and looked through the pages. "Methods of cat-fu training...'wrap trainee in fish sausage'...'throw into pit of hungry cats'..." he read.
"However, there is a frighteningly devious trap within the training," said Genma, his eyeglasses shining. "Turn the page, Tendo, and see for yourself."
Soun accepted and turned to the next page. The text there read:
Warning: this training method is too stupid to be used in real life. In fact, anyone who would actually be idiotic enough to teach this should have their head examined. It has been banned for causing severe psychological distress.
"Too bad I never read the next page until afterwards," Genma replied. "It sure fooled me!"
And he laughed a belly laugh, while Kenma's left eye twitched.
A split second later...
"RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGH!" roared Kenma as he lunged through the screen door, gripping Genma by his neck, using both hands. The bespectacled man's face was quickly turning red. "I! WILL! KILL YOU!"
"C-calm down, boy! The past is in the past!" Genma stammered. "It was so long ago...can't we just laugh and move on?"
"I'll laugh when I've beaten you to a bloody smear," Kenma snarled. "I'll laugh when I've broken every bone in your body...AND I'LL LAUGH WHEN THE VULTURES COME TO FEAST ON YOUR CARCASS!"
"I did this to make you boys stronger!" Genma insisted. "You must understand!"
"Wow, and you never once considered they might use it against you?" asked Ukyo dryly. "Not very smart...but that's to be expected with you."
Before Genma could utter another word, he was bodyslammed into the floor, and Kenma began whaling on him with a flurry of furious punches. Each of them felt like a cinderblock to the crotch.
"Ranma, you must do something!" exclaimed Soun. "He might just kill Genma if he keeps up!"
"...maybe I should think about it," Ranko said, glancing off to the side.
"So you've got a little weak spot, big deal," Akane shrugged.
"Yes, it is a big deal," said Ukyo. "Besides, what if one of Ranma-honey's enemies was to learn the truth? They wouldn't hesitate to use it against him!"
"It's pretty crazy to think about," commented Nabiki. "The great Ranma, afraid of some kitties."
"Well, he was traumatized," Kenma stated rather pointedly.
"Maybe if we get him used to the cats, he won't be afraid anymore," suggested Kasumi.
"I don't think that's such a good idea..." Jinn started, but Kasumi had already opened the door, letting in several more cats.
"Kasumi...what are you doing?" asked Ranma. "NO! NO! KEEP THEM AWAY! KEEP THEM AWAY! NO! NONONONONONONO!"
"Stop it!" Kenma vociferated. "You're basically trying to put out a fire with gasoline!"
Within seconds, Ranma was completely paralyzed. Nabiki and Soun each took turns stacking cats on him like he was a coat rack. But amidst all the chaos, nobody noticed Sasuke climbing out from underneath the house and tiptoeing away. He'd gotten what he came for.
Kuno was doing some calligraphy when he overheard Sasuke's secret knock. "Is that you then, Sasuke?" he asked.
"Yes, Master Kuno," replied the ninja lackey. "I've retrieved the information you were in search of."
"Then enter," responded Kuno. Seconds later, Sasuke popped up through the floor like a gopher.
"AAAAH! I MEANT DO IT THROUGH THE DOOR, YOU DITHERING DIMWIT!" screamed Kuno.
"A thousand pardons, milord," Sasuke bowed as Kuno regained his composure.
"Well? Let's hear that news," the samurai wannabe responded as Sasuke stood up.
"I, Sasuke, have found Ranma Saotome's greatest weakness!" he exclaimed. "Attack at this front, and your victory is assured! And so, that secret is..."
But he was immediately cut off with a bowl of calligraphy ink being thrown right in his face.
"Indolent imbecile!" Kuno bellowed. "Tatewaki Kuno could never strike secretly at an opponent's weakness!"
Sasuke began to scramble away, but Kuno caught him by his shirt.
"...and?" Kuno inquired.
"What?"
"What's his weak spot?"
"But sir, what about all that stuff you just told me?"
"If I attack his weakness fairly, there is no dishonor!" Kuno clarified. "WELL, OUT WITH IT, MAN! TELL ME! TELL ME, YOU IDIOT!"
So Sasuke whispered into his master's ear, and as he talked, a crazed smile spread across Kuno's face. This was soon followed by a deranged cackle of warped glee.
"SAOTOME, YOU ARROGANT TOAD!" he bellowed. "THOUGHT YOURSELF MIGHTY, DID YOU NOT?! WELL, BY TOMORROW I SHALL HAVE YOU GROVELING AT MY FEET, ACKNOWLEDGING MY SUPERIOR SKILL! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
The very next day...
After P.E., Ranma went to retrieve his shoes from his cubby. When he did, he found a note inside one of said shoes, and pulled it out before unfolding it.
Ranma, help me! I've been taken captive in the auditorium by terrible villains; please come and save me!
Sincerely, Akane
"...man, whoever wrote this didn't exactly plan this out too well, did they?" asked Kenma, reading over his brother's shoulder.
Ranma glanced to the left; Akane was retrieving her things from her cubby.
"Hey. You're Akane, right?" he asked the short-haired girl.
"Last I checked, yes," Akane responded.
A few minutes later, the three of them were inside the empty auditorium.
"It's just a practical joke, Ranma; ignore it," advised Akane.
"Well, now hang on," said Kenma. "We'd like to see what's so funny."
"Whoever wrote this letter forgot one crucial fact," added Ranma. "How would Akane have written this if she was ALREADY kidnapped? Shouldn't a letter like this have been written from the kidnapper's POV?"
"You're learning, good," Kenma commented with a smirk.
"Here I am!" cried out a high-pitched voice from the stage. As the trio glanced forward, they saw Sasuke, sitting on the stage, tied up...while dressed in a female Furinkan High uniform and a blonde wig. "Oh, thank goodness you came to save me, Ranma! The bad guys will return any second!" he squeaked.
Akane looked like she'd been served a cup full of urine and told it was lemonade. "And who the hell is that?" she asked, disgusted.
"Well, I reckon that's our practical joker," Kenma commented as Akane stormed the stage and grabbed Sasuke by the scruff of his neck.
"What the hell is THIS all about?!" she demanded.
"OH, HELP ME, RANMA!" Sasuke squeaked louder. "I, AKANE, AM GOING TO DIE! HELP ME, PLEASE! I'M GONNA DIE!"
Akane smacked the ninja upside the head. "...so die already," she spat.
Ranma and Kenma hopped up onto the stage. "Who the heck're you?" asked Ranma.
Sasuke cackled wickedly as he discarded his completely unfitting wig. "A 15th-generation guardian of the great House of Kuno!" he declared. "I am called Sasuke Sarugakure, but you shall know me as he who brought about your doom!"
"Now listen, you..." began Ranma.
"It's too late to beg for mercy!" Sasuke declared, as he jumped up and yanked a nearby lever. But instead of opening underneath Ranma, a trapdoor opened underneath Kenma. The redheaded boy felt around with his feet, before glancing down and noticing the floor had given way.
In the split second before he fell, he pulled out a signpost that read: Well...THIS bites.
And then he fell beneath the stage. Ranma peered in. "Yo, Ken, you okay?" he called.
"A little dizzy, but otherwise right as rain!" Kenma responded. "You probably don't wanna come down here though!"
"I'm sorry, but who exactly was that for?" asked Ranma as he glowered at Sasuke.
"...eh...no one," the ninja nitwit chuckled sheepishly as he leapt up & pulled a rope this time. Suddenly, a massive tanuki statue fell down and smashed into him, knocking him down into the cellar.
Ranma slid down the chain and leapt off, glowering at Sasuke. "OK, explanation time, ninja boy. What are you tryin' to do?" he asked.
"I just wanted..." Sasuke coughed, reaching into his clothes and pulling something out. "...t-to give you...this."
He placed something into Ranma's open hand. It was a chain of...fish sausages.
Ranma looked down in shock. "...oh, no." he gulped.
Kenma noticed the fish sausages and his eyes went wide with shock. "You idiot..." he glowered at Sasuke. "What did you do?"
"This is my special technique: the Sarugakure Feline Hell Torture!" the ninja declared.
Ranma gave him a confused look before a sound rang out. "Mrrrrroooooooowwwww..."
Glancing around, it became clear that the three individuals weren't the only ones in there. in fact, there were hundreds of hungry felines, each of them eyeing the fish sausages.
"Well, weeeell, well! Are you scaaaared, Ranma?" mocked Sasuke as he skipped over. "Are you gonna cwyyyy~? Not so tough now, are you? Maybe if you surrender and admit the superiority of Master Kuno, then perhaps I'll let you go!" he pulled out a microphone and tape recorder. "Perhaps I could get it recorded, too?"
But Ranma didn't scream. He didn't cry. And he didn't beg. What he did do, however, was laugh.
"Heh...hehheheh...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Ranma bellowed. "Didja REALLY think you could spook me with some crummy cats?! Nyobody gets the best of Nyanma Saotome, nya!"
Kenma blinked as Ranma plucked him from the floor. "...you alright, dude?" he asked.
"Of course, nya!" Ranma scoffed as he went towards the nearest door.
"Wait, don't open that door!" exclaimed Sasuke.
"And why nyot?" asked Ranma, pulling the door open...and running smack into a tremendous tiger.
BACK AT THE TENDO HOUSE...
"So...Ranma's ailurophobia..." Kasumi said, while she and Jinn were playing with Tomo. "...is there any way it could be cured, Mr. Saotome?"
"I've done all that I could, Kasumi," sighed Genma as he sat on the patio, swirling his teacup. "Once I tied packets of dried sardines to him and threw him in...but it didn't work. Then I tried strapping him with smelt, but that didn't work, either! Next I tried salted sardines, but it didn't help! In desperation, I tried covering him with kamaboko fish cakes...but it did no good."
Jinn blinked, looking mortified. "...so you thought reinforcing his fears would cure him of them?" he blurted, shocked.
Genma ignored this, looking on with eyes full of crocodile tears. "Ah, the lengths a man will go to save his son!" he exclaimed. "Each new failure tore me apart!"
"Not to mention your son..." Kasumi said. "Would you like some more sweet bean jelly?"
"Kasumi, don't trouble yourself," Jinn advised as he got up. "I'll get it!"
"Oh, thank you, Jinn!" smiled Kasumi, making the genie blush as he went around the corner. Of course, once he was in the kitchen, it gave way to a wicked smile.
"'Ah, the lengths a man will go to save his son'," Jinn mocked as he prepared a plate of sweet bean jelly. "Oh, gimme a break. I wonder if he actually believes half the shit that spews from his mouth...well, I'll fix his wagon!"
With a sneaky cackle, he immediately started filling the bean jelly with a gallon of tabasco sauce. Then, liquefied ghost peppers and california reaper peppers!
"Now THESE are some mean beans!" Jinn smirked devilishly as he kept on listening.
"And to think, that training resulted in yet another tragedy!" Genma exclaimed.
"You mean there's MORE?" asked Kasumi.
BACK AT THE AUDITORIUM...
"How stupid are you?" asked Kenma. "Seriously, were you born a bonehead, or didja have to practice? WHAT THE HELL MADE YOU THINK IT WAS SMART TO GET A TIGER?!"
"I thought it would scare Ranma..." stated Sasuke.
"IT'S A TIGER, YOU IDIOT! WHO WOULDN'T IT SCARE?!" Kenma shouted.
"When Ranma's fear of felines reaches its peak..." said Genma as he reached for the plate of sweet bean jelly. "...he yowls."
"Yowls?" asked Kasumi, surprised.
Immediately, Ranma's irises became slits, and he arched his back as he raised a paw. "RRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWW...!" he yowled.
"Oh, God no..." Kenma muttered. "...it's begun."
"What's begun?" asked Akane.
"This is the dark secret of Cat-Fu," Kenma replied. "Sure, it makes you stronger...but it leaves you with a fear of cats, and if pushed to the limit, you snap and enter a feral state that I call 'total catitude', or 'cat scratch fever'."
"How come YOU'RE not going crazy with fear around cats?" asked Akane.
"The old man never got to teach ME the technique," Kenma explained. "He probably realized I'd be more likely to kill him with it."
"...well, would you?" asked Akane as Nyanma leapt at the tiger.
"The thought has crossed my mind five or six times...hourly," Kenma smirked.
Kuno smirked with wicked glee as he watched the auditorium's stage. "Sasuke's plan is brilliant in its cunning...when Saotome is blubbering like a baby, I shall defeat him and claim Akane and the redheaded Ranko for myself! Then we shall have the ULTIMATE DOUBLE DATE! HA-HA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
His laughter was interrupted when the stage burst open, expunging a geyser of cats...and at the top was Nyanma, with Kenma clinging to his back.
"What in the name of...?!" Kuno asked as Kenma leapt off, and landed behind Nyanma.
"So this was your dopey plan, huh?" Kenma scoffed. "I should've guessed. Well, it didn't work!"
Nyanma put up his right hand in a paw shape and hissed, before glancing back at Kenma, as if he were asking permission.
"Yeah...claw 'im to ribbons," Kenma nodded firmly. "Teach him a lesson."
Nyanma nodded, before getting into a crouch and lunging at Kuno, claws bared. But before he got a chance to land, a fish sausage was thrown, and Nyanma swam through the air and caught it in his mouth.
By this time, Ukyo had seen what was going on as she came into the auditorium. "What the hell?" she asked, as Nyanma sprinted past her and darted out the door.
The sausage had been thrown by Sasuke. "He fell for it, the gluttonous buffoon," he smirked.
"Akane, Kenma, explanations, NOW!" Ukyo exclaimed.
"To put it simply, Ranma has got a serious case of cat scratch fever, and he thinks he really IS one!" Kenma blurted. "My advice? Blame Genma, BECAUSE THIS, LIKE SO MANY DISASTERS IN OUR LIVES, IS HIS FAULT!"
Ukyo nodded. "Right, right...so the protocol is that next time we see him, we beat him bloody, yeah?"
A wicked smile crossed Kenma's face. "I've got something prepared for that if he shows up here," he grinned, chuckling evilly.
Within minutes, news of Ranma's feline frenzy had spread across campus, and by the time the rest of Team Ranma had gathered, Nyanma was up a tree, gleefully licking his paws as he perched on a branch.
"So...how is Ranma, exactly?" asked Ryunosuke.
"Well, he hasn't attempted to bring me any dead birds or mice yet, so I think we're fine," Ukyo commented. "Right now he's just licking himself. It's...kinda cute, actually?"
"Ranma!" called Akane. "What's going on? Why won't you talk to me?"
"Gee, I wonder!" Kenma replied, his tone oozing with sarcasm. "Could it be, perhaps...because he's FUCKING FERAL?!"
"Kenma is right," said a familiar voice, prompting Ukyo, Akane and Kenma to turn around. Standing behind them were Genma and Soun. "Words won't reach Ranma now...not in this state."
"But what is going on?" asked Akane.
"When Ranma's fear of cats reaches its highest limit, the only way for him to escape is to become that which he fears most," Genma explained.
"Don't gotta remind me," Kenma retorted. "I know what happened the last time..."
Mmm...flashback!
10 years ago
To say that Genma was impressed by his son's newfound burst of power would be an understatement. It was spectacular! The way he'd shot out of that pit like a bullet was amazing!
"Well done, boy!" he beamed as he made his way over. "It looks like Cat-Fu wasn't a waste of training after all! You could do a bit better in some spots, but otherwise that was incredible!"
But before he got a chance, Ranma jumped up and swiped at his chest, mewing fiercely. Genma was confused by this...until he saw straps of his gi falling off his chest like paper through a shredder.
It became clear that whatever this was, it wasn't Ranma-at least, not mentally. Genma quickly made a break for it, as he saw Ranma snarling and getting ready to attack.
Frantically, his eyes darted about the area, hoping for something, anything to distract him.
...and then his eyes landed on Kenma.
Maybe he didn't need a something, but a someONE to distract the boy in this state.
"Dad, what are we gonna do?" asked Kenma as Genma approached.
"Simple...YOU are going to fight him," Genma replied as he threw Kenma into Ranma's path. "And I...am going to use that time to escape!"
"WHAT?!" Kenma exclaimed. "BUT HE'LL KILL ME!"
"Stop your whining, boy! Prove that you're a man among men!" retorted Genma as he took off.
Kenma turned back from his coward of a father, before he whirled back around to see Ranma approaching him.
"Somebody...anybody...HELP ME!" Kenma bawled, his eyes wet with tears. "I DON'T WANNA GET CLAWED TO BITS! HEEEEEEEEEELP!"
As he squeezed his eyes shut, bracing for what would most likely be a gruesome end...there was silence, save for a quiet purring sound. Opening his eyes, Kenma noticed that Ranma was rubbing up against him like any other cat would.
"You...you aren't hurting me?" he asked, surprised.
Ranma glanced up at him and tilted his head in confusion. "Nya?" he mewed.
All at once, Kenma felt dizzy and excited. Whatever that crazy technique had done to Ranma...it hadn't broken their brotherly bond. Even if he thought he was a cat, Ranma STILL recognized Kenma as a trusted friend.
"Y'know...when you're not ripping and shredding right through things, you're actually kind of adorable like this," Kenma managed to say as he lightly tapped Ranma on the nose.
The most reaction Ranma had to that was lightly scrunching up his nose in response, but otherwise he didn't really mind it too much.
For the first time in a long while, Kenma experienced the sensation of "play"...and it was most pleasant, indeed.
From behind a nearby tree, Genma watched in bewilderment. Somehow, from what he could tell, Kenma was alive, safe, and without even a claw mark on his skin or clothes, to boot!
Looks like he'd have two sons to bring back to Japan after all. So he decided to go and congratulate him.
"Kenma, m'boy! That was magnificent!" Genma exclaimed, putting on that faker-than-fake 'proud papa' tone of voice, hoping that his act of utter cowardice could be forgotten. "You managed to tame the beast and survive to tell about it!"
Kenma scoffed. "Yeah, no thanks to you, old man," he retorted.
"I knew you would succeed, of course," Genma continued. "I had nothing but faith in you the whole time!"
"Was that before, or after you threw me to what would've most likely been my gruesome, untimely death?" Kenma grilled his old man.
And like meat on the grill, Genma was getting red-hot. "How DARE you talk to your father like that!" he fumed. "All this training, all the work and traveling...I did it for the sake of both my sons!" he sobbed into his elbow, wiping away some more crocodile tears.
"Yer breakin' my heart, boo-hoo-hoo," Kenma rolled his eyes. Any lingering faith he might've had in his father had been squashed out of existence the second Genma had shown his true colors.
Apparently, Ranma seemed to agree, because he bared his teeth and hissed at Genma.
Glancing between the two of them, Kenma quickly formed an idea. "Hey, Ranma! See that guy?" he asked his feline brother.
Ranma nodded, his body going into a crouching position.
"Well, he's BAD. He hurt you. He hurt you a lot, and he tried to hurt me!" explained Kenma, much to Genma's shock. Somehow, the idea that either of his sons might seek retribution for being injured as a result of his actions had NEVER occurred to him until this very moment.
"N-now, Kenma...let's not be hasty..." Genma insisted, putting his hands up in defense. "We don't need to do something we might regret!"
"My only regret is I didn't get to do this sooner," Kenma retorted, before turning to face Ranma. Only 2 words escaped his lips after that.
"...hurt him."
In the minutes that followed, Genma barely had time to start running; because the second he got ready to run, Ranma had leapt from his crouching position and was attacking him with a flurry of claw strikes and scratches. Nobody would be getting disemboweled, but a certain fat man would be nursing plenty of wounds later that day.
Once it was finished, Ranma leapt off of Genma's claw-streaked body, and sat in Kenma's lap, purring quietly.
End of Flashback.
[Author's note: this was one of my favorite scenes to write. Perhaps you readers can guess why?]
Kenma sat with a far-off, daydreamy sort of expression on his face, as though he were remembering one of the best moments in his life. "Ah, out of all the bad stuff that happened in that time, that was one particularly satisfying moment..." he vociferated.
"Isn't there any way to bring him out of this?" asked Akane, while Ranma was currently using the tree as his own personal scratching post.
"Only one person other than Kenma could calm Ranma down in this state," replied Genma. "An old neighbor lady who lived nearby."
"Then call her or something!" Akane blurted.
"Unfortunately, she's dead." Genma responded bluntly.
"So then whaddo we do?" asked Akane, turning around...to see that Genma was now dressed as an old lady: muumuu, wig, and all.
"There are times in a father's life where he must make great sacrifices for his son's sake," the rotund man declared, before he leapt into the tree.
When Ranma saw his old man in disguise, he arched his back and hissed.
Genma took out a cattail whisp and waggled it around. "Heeere, kitty kitty!" he called in his best old lady voice. "C'mon, come and get it, nice kitty!"
Nyanma's eyes turned blank and glowed red before he leapt at Genma, engulfing him in a whirling, spinning dirt cloud [think Taz from Looney Tunes]. Seconds later, Genma fell out of the tree, face-first; his glasses were broken, and his face was covered in claw marks.
Kenma snorted. "By the way, Genma? Part 1 of my revenge is complete," he informed the fat man.
Ukyo rifled around in the bag on Genma's back. "What's even in this thing?" she asked, before it unfurled, revealing a big mound of catnip.
Once the catnip was exposed to the air, a heady aroma wafted out and caught Nyanma's nose. Taking a few whiffs, Nyanma turned and walked towards Ukyo, who stood her ground despite everyone else backing off.
"Ukyo, what are you doing?" asked Akane. "Run!"
"No way, Akane," retorted Ukyo. "I know my Ranma-honey would never hurt me."
Just as she'd guessed, Nyanma immediately began rubbing up and down against Ukyo's legs, purring happily. The okonomiyaki chef couldn't help but blush at this, while Nabiki snapped some polaroids.
Akane fumed inwardly. Why the hell was she so pissed off about this? After all, she vocally insisted that she didn't like Ranma. Not one little bit!
So then why the ever-loving blue-eyed hell was she so pissy about Ranma being so affectionate towards Ukyo? Simple. Akane's what you would call "fickle". She'll bitch about how much of a pervert she thinks Ranma is one minute, and how much she hates her...then when he's around another girl, she hauls off and beats the boogers out of him because how fucking dare he be nice to a girl that isn't her.
Well, sooner or later, he was bound to get tired of being Akane's punching bag, and found somebody else. So she has missed the boat on that, and doesn't even realize it.
Now let's finish this chapter up, because I have been nursing a headache for the last three hours while typing this.
Later that day...
Ranma, Kenma, Ukyo, and Junichi were walking home from school with the rest of their friend group.
"So...you were brushing up against me?" asked Ukyo.
"Hey, I'm sorry, alright?" Ranma insisted. "I don't even know what happens to me in that mindstate!"
"Ranma-honey, calm down," conveyed Ukyo. "I'm not Akane, I won't blame you for something that you weren't aware of. Besides...I think it was kinda cute."
Ranma's face glowed bright red. "R-really?" he blurted, his hands becoming slicked with sweat.
"Ooooo~!" Hiroshi and Daisuke hooted.
"Hey Ranma, when's the wedding?" asked Daisuke.
"I call dibs on bein' one of the groomsmen!" vocalized Hiroshi.
"Shaddup, ya mugs," Kenma said, knocking on their heads like he was knocking on some doors.
"Maybe we ought to visit the Tendo residence for our afterschool activities today?" suggested Junichi.
"I can live with that," replied Ryunosuke. "After today, I think we could use some chill time."
Of course, when they came inside, they saw Soun, Jinn, Nabiki, and Kasumi sitting at the table on one end. And on the other end was a gargantuan man with dark green hair, a tiger-striped jumpsuit, and a pair of conical horns on his head.
"Ranma...as you can see, we've got a guest," explained Soun. "And he's here for you."
The large man glanced down at Ranma...and extended a friendly hand. "So! You're that Ranma Saotome fellah, right?" he asked in a Southern accent [think Foghorn Leghorn or King Dedede]. "Name's Alan Invader, but'chu can call me Al, or just Mistah Invadah!"
Ranma, Kenma, Hiroshi, Daisuke, Ryno, Ukyo, and Junichi all glanced at each other. So much for 'chill time'.
And on this unexpected ending, we circle in on all seven of their heads...before we FINALLY IRIS OUT.
IN THE NEXT ADVENTURE...
Jinn: Hi, everybody; it's Jinn, telling about the next episode of The Genie and the Champs. Turns out that mister Invader guy came for a reason. Team Ranma has been selected to participate in a game of tag, and Earth's fate hangs in the balance. Of course, it won't be easy, since their challenger is the invader guy's daughter-the princess of their species!
Next time on Ranma 1/2: The Genie and the Champs...
"A Shock from the Stars! The Notorious L.U.M."
Hang on to your underwear, we'll see you there!
Hold the phone! Keep your eyes peeled for a
SUPER SPECIAL Ranma OVA adaptation!
Odds are it'll probably come out sooner than our next chronological episode.
Fade in on a shot of a street in Nerima; it's raining, and there are at least a few people walking up and down.
Kenma: Hey, everyone. Kenma Saotome here, and comin' atcha from Viz Video is a hard-boiled kinda story from the brainiacs who brought you Ranma ½. It's crammed to the gills with mystery, thrills, spills, danger, romance, and betrayal!
Cut to a shot of Shampoo leaping from her bike and glomping Kenma happily.
Kenma: Normally, Shampoo can't get enough of me. She's totally, utterly, head-over-heels for me...and frankly, I absolutely love it.
The scene slides offscreen to the left, replaced with a new scene where Shampoo smacks Kenma across the face, over and over, left and right.
Kenma: But suddenly, for some strange reason, she's colder than the back end of Antarctica; to put it simply, she hates my guts an' everything else attached to 'em. The real question is, WHY?
Cue music: THEME FROM LUPIN III 2019 ～ Playback '80 ~ Lupin III - The First for the next couple of scenes!
Next, we get a scene of Ranma and Kenma running down an alleyway, avoiding thrown kunai from Mousse, Ryoga's parasol of pain, and Kuno's ever-present wooden bokken.
Kenma: Is what people think true? Has Shampoo's affection just been a cruel joke? Did I do something wrong to make her mad at me? Or is there something bigger going on?
On that last line, we get a shot of the Reversal Jewel, as it gleams in the light.
Ranma: Viz Media presents an all-new mystery thriller, with me, Ranma, my bro Kenma, and the rest of our friends and foes like you've never seen us before...
A picture of the special's logo appears on-screen.
"Ranma 1/2 presents:
Kenma Saotome & the Case of the Contrary Jewel"!
Kenma: Kenma Saotome & the Case of the Contrary Jewel: A Ranma ½ Mystery! Track it down on VHS and DVD at wherever it is they sell anime videos!
Fade to black.