Open Up

Buffy was sitting up on their bed when Spike returned to their room. She had already gotten changed and was just waiting for him. Sitting there in a little tank top and a pair of tiny cotton shorts that looked a little bit like men's boxers.

Spike dropped his jacket on the back of the chair he usually kept it on and started over to her. Buffy immediately went up onto her knees on the bed and beckoned him forward.

"I thought you'd be asleep."

"Are you alright?"

Spike sat down on the bed next to her, "Sorry about earlier, Love."

"You were really starting to worry me."

"Oh, I had myself a beer in the kitchen. Still a bit of blood on the floor in there… going to have to get something to get the stain out…" he hesitated, "Checked on Red and Ruby. They're both out cold."

Buffy nodded. She was really tired but she had been worried when the sun started to shine through the window and he still wasn't back, "So are you ready to talk to me?" she asked.

"Would be if I wasn't so knackered."

"I kind of feel you on that one… Spike, are we good?"

He looked at her a little surprised, "Course we're good. Why wouldn't we be?"

She rocked back to sit on the bed again but didn't let go, "I don't know. I don't really know why you're keeping me out. I wasn't trying to pry, I was just—."

Spike shook his head and put a tender hand on the side of her neck, "It's nothing to do with us, Love. This is all me. All my baggage. Just seeing Ruby like that tonight— sort of dredged up a bit of that mess for me again. Wasn't exactly a picnic you know? I wasn't expecting her to go off like that."

She nodded her head, "I kind of thought it was something like that. I'm just, I don't know, I guess I got used to feeling you; being connected and being able to just sort of reach out and know what you're feeling and sometimes what you're thinking— and tonight when you blocked me out— that was gone and it kind of freaked me out."

Spike pulled her into him, "Not my intent, Love. I was just— it's really noisy up in here. I just didn't want the extra foot traffic."

"Okay, but seriously that makes it sound like you have like a dozen people living in your head. You know that right?"

Spike chuckled, "Not exactly. It's true I got— well there's me and then there's the demon-me, and then this— other voice— my conscience I guess— my soul— but yeah it's in there too. But it's not— It's like those old cartoons, you know where you got the guy with the demon and the angel; one on each shoulder? It's like that, Pet. It's nothing new. Nothing too absurd and it's certainly nothing to worry about. It's not like the demon part of me is telling me to 'hunt, kill, eat,'— okay, well yeah it does, but I get my dose of violence and it keeps quiet. I'm alright. Really, I am."

"Three is better than a dozen."

He laughed, "It's all just me."

Buffy watched his eyes, "I know, I'm just teasing."

"You look tired, Lamb."

"I am tired, you dolt. I stayed up waiting for you. Are you going to snuggle in with me?"

"Give me a few minutes and I will," he leaned in to kiss her.

Buffy reached a hand to the back of his neck to deepen the kiss. Spike allowed himself to melt into her and felt his mental walls crumbling a little.

Buffy broke the kiss, breathing hard and gave him a hard look, "That's a little better… getting there."

"Oh, trust me, Love, it's probably for the best if I keep things under wraps a bit longer. I'm just trying to protect you."

Buffy shook her head, "Spike, you don't need to protect me, not from you, not like this. We're supposed to take this stuff on together. It's not one sided."

"I hear you say it, Pet, I just… I don't know if you understand what all that means."

She dropped her hand from his neck, down to the bed, "That's all the more reason you need to share this kind of stuff with me. How can I help you if I don't understand? How can I understand if you won't open up?"

"I'm just—"

"Just what?"

"I'm afraid, alright? I'm still terrified I'm going to muck this all up and lose you."

"Babe, it's me. I'm not going anywhere. What are you afraid of?"

"I'm afraid you won't feel the same about me."

"Well, yeah you're probably right. I probably won't but that doesn't mean it's a bad thing. Maybe it would mean that we get even closer."

"And what if it means you want nothing to do with me?"

"Spike, we've sort of talked about this already; I've read your files. You've told me a ton about your past. I pretty much know what you've done over the past 130 years."

"That's all well and good. Knowing what I did and feeling what I did— how it felt when I did them and how I feel about it now—- those are very different things and it's messy. I just don't want to put all that on you. You carry enough of your own baggage, you don't need mine too."

"Whether you share it or not, I'm still carrying it, you know that right? We're in this together. It's you and me. It's us. Got it? And yeah maybe… maybe all of it— all at once would be a way big-bad-idea, but that's no reason to completely block me out. Maybe just give me little bits here and there, let me help you through whatever is bothering you in the moment and we'll get through it together. How's that sound?"

He nodded, "I don't deserve you."

"This better not be the part where you tell me I deserve better and you break-up with me."

"Are you daft? I don't deserve you but it certainly doesn't mean I'm stupid enough to throw away the best thing in my unlife. You want to get rid of me, you'll likely have to stake me first, Slayer. I'm yours, you're stuck with me now."

She gave a tired laugh, "Okay, but no more solid wall blocking. If you feel like you have to put up a wall, just make sure it has a door or a window or something for me, okay?"

"Sure, Pet, I'll work on that; one Buffy door coming up."

She laid down, snuggling under the covers yawning, "Okay, good. As long as we're good."

The corner of Spike's mouth curved into a slight smile, "Course we are."

Willow awoke with a start to find Ruby standing over her. She had one of the blankets wrapped tightly around her giving her the look of a small child looking for reassurance after a bad dream. Her eyes were red rimmed and she looked exceptionally pale. She shuffled her feet timidly, reinforcing the childlike appearance.

"Ruby?" Willow asked groggily as she sat up a little straighter and adjusted her tank top for modesty sake, "Are you alright?"

Ruby stared at her blankly, but nodded, "I humm, I think so…" her voice was so quiet, Willow could barely make it out. "You're not Lauren—"

"No I'm not. Do you remember me?"

She nodded, "The witch. Humm… Willow right?"

Willow gave her a small smile, "Good because introductions would have been super awkward."

Ruby blinked as the attempted joke rolled off of her like water on a duck's back.

Willow shifted, "Ruby? Did you need something?"

Ruby collapsed into one of the barrel chairs glumly. She looked as though all the energy had been drained from her. She shook her head a little and looked back up at Willow, "I was trying to make sense of everything… I feel like I've been sleeping for a week."

Willow looked at her watch, "Hate to break it to you but it's only been about four hours."

"Really?"

"Yeah… how are you doing? I wasn't really expecting you to be up and around so soon."

"I don't think I'd say I'm up and about… I'm pretty fuzzy— I'm not really sure what's going on… but at the same time, I— I think—-" She hesitated, "I think— I did some pretty horrible things," her voice was quiet. Ruby tapped the side of her head, "The things in here— hurting Sheena, killing that girl…" she hesitated again and let out a sob, "Lauren," she choked on the name.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Ruby shook her head and let a few more tears fall. She was quiet and distant, very different from the Ruby they had seen so far.

"Can I get you anything? A cup of tea? Do you need blood? Do you need—"

Ruby's eyes shot up to Willow at the mention of blood and she looked like she might be sick. Willow made a small move as though she wanted to go to Ruby but she thought better of it, "I don't mean— I meant pigs blood out of the refrigerator— You'll need it for strength. Would you like me to get you some?"

Ruby shook her head, "No. I don't think I could eat. Maybe some tea," she said quietly.

"I'll just make a full pot. Remote is there if you want to watch some TV. I'll just be a few minutes, alright? Don't wander off, I'll be right back. We can have a little tea party and chat… if you want."

Ruby nodded, "Ta," and pulled the blanket tighter around herself.

Willow shot her what she hoped was a reassuring smile, "I promise I won't be long."

Willow was just pouring the water into the tea pot when Ruby wandered in, still wrapped in the blanket.

Willow turned around sternly with the pot of tea in her hands, "I told you to wait in the living room."

Ruby's gray eyes widened as they landed on the corner she had deposited Sheena and Deloris in after their fight. "Fight", wasn't really the right word. She had manipulated her baby sister into letting her into the castle and threw her across the room once she had crossed the threshold. Then she had taken Deloris by surprise when she had turned to check on her friend instinctively. It was a cheap shot and Ruby had gone in for the kill without even thinking about it. Having Deloris there and taking her blood; feasting on her. The scream Deloris made. The taste of her warm slayer blood filling her mouth like ambrosia.

Her mouth watered on instinct and yet her newly restored soul recoiled violently against the memory. Ruby turned, running back out into the entryway and threw up a puddle of blood and bile on the stone floor. She collapsed in a heap next to the vomit and started convulsing with sobs. She was wailing so hard Willow was afraid she would wake everyone in the castle.

Willow came running out behind her rubbing her back through the blanket. She tried pulling her up but Ruby wasn't being cooperative. Willow tried wrapping her arms around Ruby, almost like she was trying to give her a hug and pulled her up into a standing position. Ruby's legs shook as she stood.

Willow readjusted her as best she could with her arm around her waist. Ruby slipped into her arms easily despite still rambling off lamentations between sobs. It suddenly hit Willow that she was built a lot like Tara. Her soft form pressed into her felt like the missing piece of a puzzle. A sobbing nearly insane puzzle.

What the hell is wrong with me!? Willow thought. She cleared her throat "Come on, let's get you comfy cozy. I'll clean up the yuck."

"I think I just—"

"Why don't we get you back down in the utility room? You can have some quiet in there, maybe even sleep."

"Shee-shee— oh God I hurt Shee-shee—" Ruby cried. Willow helped her back onto the sleeping bag and watched as she huddled into a ball of blankets rocking back-and-forth, her instincts told her she should go to her. Wrap her in her arms and let her cry it out. But that thought was ridiculous. She definitely should not be having thoughts like this about the broken vampire in front of her. The vampire she had broken. Willow was fighting back tears of her own now. Ruby pulled her out of her thoughts when she realized she was talking again.

"That— that girl— that Slayer— she was her friend. Oh God, Shee-shee— I'm so sorry—" Ruby slumped down onto her side still muttering but she no longer seemed to realize Willow was there with her.

Unsure of what to do, Willow left her alone. Ruby didn't give any indication she noticed her go. Willow made her way back out to the entryway to clean up the mess Ruby had left behind and then went back into the kitchen to pour herself a cup of tea. Even though she didn't really know her, seeing Ruby like that was hard. It was hard to watch anyone so miserable. But then to have those inappropriate thoughts invading her mind like that. Her soft yet firm body pressed into her. Her beautiful pale skin and light gray eyes in direct contrast to her dark, nearly black hair.

She shook her head and sighed as she finished a second cup of tea. She was sure the other occupants of the castle would start stirring soon. Maybe she could still squeeze in a little more sleep; or at least stand guard over Ruby. With that in mind, Willow made her way back to the living room couch, unsure if sleep would come before the girls woke her up.

It was well into the afternoon by the time Buffy gathered the girls in the training room on the second floor. She thought it would be best for the girls to hear about Ruby's ensoulment from her. There was a general wash of confusion among the girls. Buffy didn't miss the anger and disappointment that passed over Zari's face. It was natural to want revenge on the creature that had killed Deloris but at the same time she was still Sheena's sister and if there was any hope for her at all, this was it. Buffy just hoped Sheena would regain consciousness.

"As you all know, the Level 4's are going to be leaving in a few days. I don't know if any of you are up to it or maybe just need to get out of the castle but Willow, and I are planning on heading into town for a little retail therapy. The van will be leaving in about an hour if you want to go."

"What about the vampire?" Zari asked.

"I'm assuming you mean Ruby. She's Sheena's sister and she's being handled. Faith is back and she'll be sticking around with Spike while Callum and Xander take care of a few things. I don't want any of you near her right now, we have this handled."

"She killed one of our own and Sheena is in the hospital and you go and reward her with a soul?"

"Trust me, this is no reward. It's a curse and it's far from happy. It's more like mental torture. She's in a lot of pain right now, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Even knowing that she still chose to go through with it and work with us so cut her some slack. She's going to be hanging around for a while and eventually training with us too."

The girls were silent, Buffy knew they still weren't happy about it but at least they were starting to come around a little.

An hour and a half later Buffy found herself walking along the streets of town with Willow. She was surprised by the number of girls that had ultimately decided to go.

They had just got themselves some coffee. Despite the lack of sleep the night before they were enjoying the time together to just catch up. A pang of guilt hit Buffy as she realized that they really hadn't done anything like this in months and even then their interactions had been strained. Buffy hadn't really thought about it but Spike's death had really affected every aspect of her life, including her friendships.

Willow shot Buffy a look. "What?" Buffy asked.

"This trip with Spike has been really good for you. I don't remember the last time I saw you like this… maybe in the beginning with Riley but then there was the whole keeping secrets thing and that was just all stress-y."

"Yeah. I mean this trip hasn't exactly gone according to plan, but seriously I'm happier than I've ever been. It's so weird."

"Nah, you love someone who loves you back, heart and soul. That's… goddess Buffy, that's what I lost, that's what I'm looking for again."

"Wills, I know you'll find it. Ruby seems to like you," Buffy joked.

Willow had been trying very hard to put her inappropriate thoughts about Ruby to the back of her mind. "Yeah, that's a big world of 'NO'. I'm definitely not ready for anything, like at all. And she's in an obviously really bad place right now anyway Buffy, you saw her last night but you didn't see her this morning…"

"No but I've seen what it did to Spike… it was horrible…"

Willow scrunched her face a little, "I saw him at the school and that night you brought him back to your house— after seeing Ruby last night and this morning. I actually thought she was doing better and then wham! She's a ball of soggy blankets and I'm cleaning up bloody-vomit. Goddess Buffy… I never really saw what it did to Angel. You did a little but—"

"No not really— Angel definitely wasn't like that when I saw him… by all accounts he was definitely worse the first time. The worst I saw him was when he came back from hell, but that was different. I saw way more of what Spike went through than Angel. Even at that I don't really know what it was like for him in the very beginning. Spike has talked about it a little but not much. I know he still gets nightmares from it. He talks in his sleep sometimes."

"Not surprising. You saw how hard it hit Ruby and she was only out on the evil for a few days then chained up the rest of the time. Suddenly the crazy guy in the school basement makes a whole lot more sense."

"Did it ever not make sense?"

"I just mean that it's the kind of thing you have to really see to understand and I think I'm starting to understand him, and you, a little more."

"Maybe this will help then. When I first found Spike in the basement, while you were still in England… I followed him into a church, Will—" she hadn't told her friend about this. Until now this detail had been kept private, "That's when he told me or well I figured out— that he got his soul back… he- he was a mess. It was like every part of him was at war with another and he didn't know what he was doing or saying. He was—" she choked on her words and took a sip of coffee, "At one point he was laying across a cross pleading with me… he was asking if we could rest… just rest… it was the most awful thing I've ever seen… he was sizzling like bacon and he didn't even notice… he was really out of it, I don't even know if he remembers that part of it really… I had to get him out of there."

Willow was stunned, "Buffy—"

"I know— but at the time it just— it seemed like a private thing between us. I really think maybe that's when I started to let myself fall for him… a little anyway… it was kind of confusing but it opened the door to being able to love him."

"Humm yeah I can totally see that… Goddess Buffy that's…"

"Yup."

"Wow…"

"Yup."

"Ruby is an emotional mess and a big blankety-ball of guilt, but I don't think she's ready to fry herself on a cross."

"He's got a little more carnage under his belt plus The First was also messing with his head in a big way. It was pretty brutal. But who knows, give her time. Once she has time to sift through the rubble of her brain she too might think frying on a cross is the deal of the century."

"I'm definitely not suggesting it."

"Yeah, no… but I am worried about what she'll do if Sheena doesn't pull through. She might just run outside on a sunny day."

Willow grimaced, "Let's hope not. It would make this a totally wasted trip," she attempted at a joke but her heart wasn't in it and it fell flat, "I'll have to think about that one."

"You said something about reinforcing the castle's defences."

"Oh yeah. That's going to have to take another day or so depending on how fast I can get things set up. It should put a pretty impenetrable shield around the whole property that will keep out any of the real nasty ones planning to do any kind of harm to the castle or anyone inside of it or on the property at all, won't be able to get over the barrier when I'm done."

"Seriously?"

"It's not really the kind of spell that you can do just anywhere but because of the castles location and its age and the existing stonewall fencing around the property I can sort of draw on the energy of those stones themselves to create that barrier it's really super technical stuff and I have to get a bunch of stones and carve runs into them and place them strategically along the entire property and then I'm going to have to connect them all with the spell it's kind of a much more subtle magic it won't be flashy but it will be very powerful and it should hold for- well as long as the stone fencing holds and that's been up for a couple of hundred years now already so I imagine it's gonna be pretty permanent."

"Wow. I didn't think something like that was possible."

"Oh it's possible. Just not on like every property— kind of a unique situation really."

They both took sips of their coffee and were quiet for a few minutes as they walked along they hadn't really been going into a whole lot of the shops but they've been into a few Buffy was more or less humoring Willow her heart really wasn't into shopping but figured since Willow was there it was a good idea to put in the effort for her friend.

"How's he doing since last night?" Willow asked suddenly. Buffy didn't need to ask who she was talking about. She had obviously been worried about Spike the night before when she had gone upstairs to go to bed, and Willow knew it.

"Better. Kinda wish I was still curled up with him. He's surprisingly cozy."

"He's all wire and cable."

"Yeah he is," Buffy grinned. Physically speaking, that had been the main difference between Spike and any of her other lovers in the past. It also meant that they somehow fit perfectly together, almost like they were molded for each other. That alone was incredibly sexy. Just snuggling with him alissited a deep visceral connection between the two of them that she would never be willing to live without.

""Yeah… I heard all about it when I was trying to clear that stuff out of the Buffy-bot. She/it, was a really big fan. Even I can admit he's pretty hot; and you know, totally gay here!"

Buffy laughed and then looked at her friend, "I've noticed you've been talking about Oz lately. You're not, I dunno, thinking about looking him up are you? How's that work with the gay woman thing?"

"No, not really. I'm just— I really had something good with Oz—- I don't really know to be honest. I think I'm just using him as a comparison to what I have with Kennedy now—- which doesn't come close. I still love him in a way, but I think we're just going in different directions. I'm definitely more into women now. I think Tara kinda ruined me for men in general. Although, I don't know. If Oz or maybe not Oz— someone Oz-like, came around— I don't know how I'd react honestly. I might be tempted; maybe. Maybe I'm really Bi, but I'm definitely not ready to commit to that. I'm pretty into boobs," she laughed but she was suddenly thinking about a pair of very off-limits breasts she definitely shouldn't be thinking about.

"Well whatever you're into you know I just want you to be happy right?"

"I know Buff. Thanks."

"So about Kennedy— are you seriously using this trip as a low key breakup?"

Willow sighed, "Pretty pathetic right?"

Buffy shrugged and smoothed a hand over her long skirt, "It's not really my style— might open things up for Ruby though," She teased again.

Willow's cheerful smile slid off her face; crashing into the cobblestones under their feet, "I really don't even want to joke about that right now. She's in really rough shape."

"Yeah, Spike told me you had some trouble with her this morning."

"How did he know?"

"Talked to Ruby. She feels really bad about it. I told you not to let her into the kitchen."

"It's not like I dragged her in with me. Have you heard anything about her sister?"

Buffy shook her head and took a long drink of her ridiculously sweet coffee, "Nothing yet. I'm probably going to go in to check on her soon. Or maybe visit her parents. I was sort of holding off on that. I kinda want to see if she starts to bounce back."

"I don't know about that. A hug from her mom might help."

"It might also break them both. Spike's adamant about letting her come to terms with it on her own. Says it's 'part of the process'."

"Well yeah I guess… but it might help her to talk to someone."

"Well duh, that's why Spike and Faith are sticking around. Ok that's why Spike is sticking around. Faith is basically just babysitting and making sure Giles doesn't fall down the stairs on his crutches. Besides that, I kinda think the Anderson's have been through enough lately. I don't even know how to tell them about Ruby— the soul thing, I mean— they don't even know about Spike. He got an invite as one of Sheena's teachers, they have no idea he's a vamp," Buffy looked up realizing where they were, "Oh hey, I want to take you in here but we need a serious subject change. This is Callum's mom's shop and the woman hears EVERYTHING."

"Oh speaking of Callum, he and Xander should have everything set up at the house by tomorrow I think. We can get Ruby moved then."

"Oh thank goodness," Buffy sighed in relief as she pushed open the door.

"Afternoon ladies!"

"Hey Mrs Ross!" Buffy greeted her. She wasn't about to pretend she didn't know she was Callum's mom but the greeting did seem to throw the older woman off a little. "I'm Buffy Summers, I know your son, Callum. I was in here a few weeks ago with his new girlfriend."

"Oh— oh of course! Not that he's brought her 'round mind."

"Yeah— Faith has been pretty busy at the school and—"

"You don't need to make excuses for the girl. That used to be my job when it was my sister in her place. She's your cousin right?"

Buffy knew that Callum hadn't filled his mother in on everything but it was still a little weird. It was like having the same conversation she'd had a hundred times but from the wrong end— or maybe it was the side. Whatever it was, it was throwing Buffy off a bit and she hesitated before answering, "That's actually sort of her job," Buffy said pointing to Willow, "For both me and Faith."

"Both?"

"Let's just say that the Slayer-call-line doesn't know anything about reviving someone with CPR."

"I— oh—"

"So umm yeah, cousins. Sure, right!"

"Hi I'm Willow, I'm just visiting. I did get to meet Callum though, he seems really nice," Willow said quickly.

Mrs Ross gave them both a skeptical look but didn't push. Then grinning a little, "Do I take it that you are part of the 'we' that is good at your job of protecting people? That bit threw me off when you were here last but I think I'm beginning to understand. Things really have changed since my sister was called."

"Hum, yeah. We sort of work as a group."

"But you're not a Slayer of course, right?" She asked Willow.

"No, I'm just d—"

"Will is sort of magical tech-support."

"Oh, I see. Well I'm sure that comes in handy. I carry plenty of supplies. That part of the shop was sort of a homage to my sister. She had this friend, an older gent that taught her quite a lot. He ran this shop originally and I worked here when I was young. After she passed he tried to teach me a little. Just enough to stay safe but mostly about the business. That's how I came to own this place. I've changed quite a bit of course but I always kept the more commonly used arcane things in stock."

"This is really amazing Mrs Ross."

"Thank you. So what brings you ladies in today? Not trouble I hope? Callum mentioned he was staying with Faith because of a fire you had over there. You have a student in the hospital, a local girl I understand."

"Oh ah yeah, the fire was in the orchard actually. Just a dumb accident, we're hoping she'll pull through. He's just helping with the cleanup."

"Oh I see. Well I do hope everything is alright with the girl. I thought maybe you were planning on some sort of a spell or something."

Buffy really didn't want to get into details with her, "No, nothing like that. Maybe we'll restock a little. Hum, the last time I was here, I saw a mens necklace I thought my boyfriend would like, and I wondered if you still had it."

"Do you remember what it looked like? You're welcome to look," She said gesturing towards the jewelry display.

"It was a short silver roundish chain with a bezel set black stone on it."

"Oh I think I know the one," she said, going over to a spinning rack on the counter, the type with locks on each side. She spun it around once and unlocked the case pulling the necklace in its box off the little shelf. "Is this it?"

"That's it! What do you think, Will? Do you think he will like it?"

"The stone looks like a tourmaline, it's a good protection stone. I think it's perfect coming from you, and it suits him."

"You know your stones."

"I sure do."

Mrs. Ross gave a little nod, "All right. Will this do it for you then?"

"I definitely want to get that but I think we're going to look around. I've been telling her all about your shop and she's only going to be here for a few more days. I love all the stuff I got here last time."

"Well by all means! I'll just keep this behind the counter for you while you look around. Let me know if you need anything."

"Thanks!"

Some time later after visiting many more shops, including the bookstore Faith had avoided on their last trip, the two friends were on their way back to the castle with the girls piled back into the van. Buffy kept running the conversation with Mrs Ross over in her head, wondering if she should have told her. She just didn't see any reason not to at the time but now she could think of a dozen.