A/N: Thank you all for sticking with me and for the wonderful reviews!
All of this conversation about clocks reminds me that we have numerous clocks that are ticking ourselves. Eventually we have to tell the kids, we should probably do that sooner rather than later, but I don't think we're ready for that.
With Ali and Jason I felt like I could shout it from the rooftops… this pregnancy, this baby, is different. It's not that I'm not excited, I am over the moon, but there's something beautiful about keeping it in. I knew this was a feeling I liked before I told Henry, but I like having him on my little secret even more.
I'm almost 11 weeks pregnant which means there's only one week before I can stop holding my breath. I know my doctor said everything was going great, but it doesn't ease every ounce of my anxiety. I've had this anxiety bottled up for a while and it's exploding in very odd ways.
It's almost like the washer is a distraction for every negative thought in my mind and poor Henry is getting the worst of it. Yes, the washer needs to be fixed, but it's probably not as bad as I made it out to be.
I can't keep it in anymore… I think telling Henry about my fears will help me sleep. Though, I don't really have a problem with sleeping right now. I actually have more of a problem balancing my cravings, my sex drive, and all the hours that I want to sleep.
Ali made a comment about all the lemons we had in the house. I told her we got the wrong grocery order. Stevie asked about all the limes, I jokingly told her I really like to take tequila shots. Jason continued to be unphased and unbothered.
My cravings have shifted slightly and I find myself dreaming about chicken piccata and grapefruit juice. My poor enamel. Joking about it is the only thing that gets me through the heartburn it all has started to give me. I didn't think I would be needing Tums yet.
It's surprising that more people haven't noticed my inability to resist anything slightly acidic. I didn't eat a ton of fruit before, maybe they're just rationalizing my behavior and saying I'm trying to take better care of myself. Eventually, someone will notice and say something… my money is on Daisy.
Today was exhausting and it felt like it never ended… but I was so happy to be able to wash it away in the shower with Henry. I could have fallen asleep standing up but I was still determined to talk through some of the things I have been feeling.
I curled up next to him in bed and instantly felt better. Feeling better for a few minutes wouldn't make me feel better tomorrow though.
"Babe, do you ever worry, like about the baby?" I think a part of me would feel better if I knew he felt the same way.
"What do you mean?" Yea… that wasn't the best way for me to word that question.
"Like, worry if something is wrong and we don't know or worry that something could go wrong." It's not just one singular fear I have… it's a lot.
"Yea, sometimes." It's not just me, I'm not crazy. "I know we're not totally out of the woods yet and anything could happen. I try not to think about that though."
If only it was that easy for me… for me to just try not to think about it. "This was and is so scary… but I don't want to lose this baby."
He pulled me closer, like he knew I was on the verge of tears just thinking about it. The kiss he placed on my forehead was like a transfer of tension. "You won't."
I don't know how he could be so sure, but I'm thankful he is.
"We're gonna have a beautiful, healthy baby in about six months. It's going to love being swaddled in that lemon blanket…" That part got a little laugh out of me. "And you're gonna look so hot in those mesh undies."
"Oh god don't remind me." I covered my face with the blanket in an attempt to escape into a world where the baby won't be the only one coming home in diapers.
He pulled me closer at just the right time. "It's ok to be worried babe… but everything is going to be ok."
I know he's probably right but even though everything was fine… my doctor didn't exactly make me feel like it would always be. This pregnancy is high risk because of my age and that alone complicates things even more than I thought was ever possible.
"Besides, if we can survive eventually telling the kids, it'll be smooth sailing for the next six months!" He was only partially joking.
"Do you think we could hide it from them for nine months?" I was being serious.
"What will we tell them when one day we bring a baby home?" He was pulling me off the ledge, I needed this.
"That the stork left it under a leaf, in a cabbage patch, and we found it."
His laugh is like music to my ears. "I think they'll totally buy that."
As much as I needed to get that off my chest and joke about my fears, I needed the slumber I so quickly slipped into even more.