I own nothing but my own words.
Chapter: Trauma
"I quit."
"Like hell!"
Ryan pushed the binders across the desk firmly. "Much as it pains me," he said without an ounce of regret in his voice because he never wanted to work as a substitute at the school in the first place, "I can't work for you anymore."
Alaric glared at him, "Are you leaving?"
"Not yet."
Alaric stood and pushed the binders back, "Then keep them. You made a deal, you—"
"I kissed Hope." The words felt awkward coming from his mouth. He still couldn't quite believe he did it, or that it was real. But he had and it was.
Knowing Alaric saw Hope as a quasi-daughter, Ryan braced himself for the anger he saw flaring across the man's face.
"Aw, Christ, I knew it!" Alaric pushed back from his desk, standing as fast as a rocket, preparing to launch himself across the wood and grab the former mudman. Since Hope first insisted Ryan stay at the school, he knew something was up. He really wished he hadn't been right.
Ryan didn't back up. As a mudman, this particular human never intimidated him. He didn't intimidate him much as a human either. Ryan wasn't egging him on until he punched him this time. He was just admitting the truth and quitting a job.
It took all of Alaric's self control to not go after Ryan. He's a human now, he reminded himself. He also needed to stay away from Hope, but no amount of arguing on Ric's part was going to change anything. After years of taking care of teenage girls, he knew his words would fall on deaf ears.
Clearing his throat, he forced himself to ask, "Is that a… one time thing?"
"Does it matter?" Ryan was fairly certain it would be a one time thing, not that he would mind if it wasn't.
Yes, it fucking mattered. Ric didn't want Hope involved with him. Also, if he could convince him to take his mind off Hope and put it on substituting instead, that wouldn't be as bad.
As if it would ever be that easy.
"Well—" given how much Alaric needed a substitute, and how much he wanted it to be a one time thing…
"I kissed a student," Ryan spelled it out plainly. It didn't matter if it was a one time thing or not. No teacher or authority figure at the school should be involved with a student in any inappropriate manner even if he didn't teach that particular student, and Alaric knew it.
Being a human meant he had to live his life as a human. Human rules applied to him now, and since he wanted to live a normal human life, he knew this needed to be done. He wanted to be a good human, not fail at it within the first two weeks.
Alaric slowly nodded, knowing he spoke the truth, knowing he wouldn't win this particular battle at the moment. He grudgingly pulled the binders back toward him across the desk.
"But you say you're not leaving." Alaric settled into his chair again, bristling at the idea of letting Clarke stay especially in light of this new information.
"She asked for my help with Malivore," Ryan reminded him. "That's the only deal I ever made."
"And once Malivore is gone?"
"Then so am I." Ryan had made a promise to himself. He became human to leave the supernatural world behind for good.
"You sure about that?"
Ryan nodded. It's the one dream he had his entire life.
"She's been through a lot." Alaric couldn't help but issue some kind of warning. It was her life to live as she saw fit, but if there was one ounce of humanity in the new—and supposedly improved—Clarke, then he hoped he understood. "If you hurt her…"
The threat came out heavy and left no doubt the ramifications Ryan would face in that circumstance.
Ryan knew it was more likely that she would hurt him by the end of all of this, but he nodded again anyway to appease the headmaster.
"Then with all this free time you now have, do us all a favor and hurry up and figure out how to save my kids and get rid of Malivore." Alaric flipped the binders around and opened the top one. It looked like he would be teaching a couple more classes tomorrow until he found someone else to do it.
Ryan refrained from mentioning that if he knew how to get rid of his father, he would have done so by now.
Alaric already knew that.
Knock, knock.
He was expecting it, just wasn't sure when it would come. He knew it was the only person at the school who ever sought him out. The only person who cared about him, even if she did have trouble admitting it.
Ryan hoped he hadn't made a mess with that kiss. She kissed him back, but now that she had time to think about it maybe she was upset.
Maybe she was going to tell him to leave.
Only one way to find out.
"Come in."
Sitting propped against his headboard, where he stared at the wall across from him blankly, he didn't bother moving as Hope opened the door.
She didn't seem upset.
She closed the door and fixed her gaze on him.
"Not lesson planning for once?" she nodded toward the desk.
"For that," he decided to confront the elephant in the room head-on, "I'd have to still be subbing."
"You're not?"
"I kissed a student," he reminded her.
"Oh," understanding flashed across her face and she walked further into the room, "but it wasn't… I mean, it was just to help you."
"Doesn't matter," he shrugged. "Besides, if I'm not teaching it's easier to focus on Malivore. That's the point, right?" His mouth tilted in a half smile.
She perched on the bottom edge of the bed.
"So, you're staying?" She wasn't sure what he would do now. The plan was for him to help her with Malivore, and hehad helped. Was he still willing to stay and help more after the day's mess?
"Now that he knows I'm alive, I don't really have a choice." His hand shook involuntarily so he pressed his fingers down firmly against his thigh. He glared at his hand, willing it to stop, knowing the silent command was pointless.
"You do." She didn't want him to be forced to stay. Though she kind of hoped he would.
"Don't really want to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder." In fact, he couldn't think of a worse way to live out his life. "I want to be done with it all and—"
"I get it." She did. He would never be able to fully move on until Malivore was gone because Malivore knew he was alive and if he ever got free, he could go after Ryan.
Why hadn't she just let him go before it was too late?
"I'm sorry I put you in this position." She hadn't really stopped to think about the consequences. Maybe before she didn't care what the consequences were.
She cared now.
He shook his head, "It was my decision to stay. I knew the risk."
"You can go if you want." She had to try one more time. "I promised I wouldn't let him hurt you. And I will destroy him so you never have to worry about him ever again."
He didn't state the obvious. There was only one way she would be able to keep that promise. Only one way they knew how to destroy Malivore.
She would have to become the tribrid unless they found another way, but he wasn't going to hold his breath on that one.
"I'll stick around for now." He shifted and adjusted his pillows. The soft mounds were placed perfectly but fiddling with them was better than her seeing the tremors in his hand. Better than him seeing the tremors in his hand. Talking about Malivore had that effect on him. "What happened with Kaleb?"
She knew a subject change when she heard one. "We managed to get him to calm down enough to do library research. There probably isn't much, especially since no one has ever written a book about Malivore, but we told him to record and cross reference every mention to losing memory that he could speed read his way through."
"And that'll keep him busy for how long?"
"Hopefully long enough to realize going after Malivore in his locked cage won't do anything but make Malivore laugh when he wakes up since Kaleb will just bounce off the cage when the magic won't allow him close enough."
"You could've just let him do that."
She shook her head. "Kaleb is worried about Cleo. You know how Malivore is."
He did. Once Malivore knew the vampire cared about the witch, he would use his words to get inside Kaleb's head. Torture him with those words. Ryan was intimately aware of that fact.
"Who knows, maybe he'll find something useful," she shrugged. "For the squad meeting that we're having tomorrow morning, by the way."
"Didn't want to meet sooner?" These squad meetings didn't do much for him. He was mostly surrounded by open hostility while Hope defended her decision to have him there.
That part was nice. As if she were standing up for him. He never really had someone on his side before.
"No, he needs to cool off and I need to take care of a friend."
He nodded. "I'll see you at breakfast before the meeting then."
She cocked an eyebrow and shook her head with exasperated fondness.
"You're the friend."
Oh. He smirked, trying to ignore the way his chest contracted at her words. While he knew how he felt about her, he also knew she didn't want him to feel that way about her.
"Didn't you handle that already?" His eyes involuntarily dropped to her lips before looking away quickly and shifting against the pillows again. "You don't have to take care of me."
"Someone has to." She didn't miss when his eyes dropped. She would be lying if she said she hadn't thought about the kiss a few times since it happened, but that wasn't why she was there.
She was there because they really had become friends, because she really did care about him, and because today was the first time she realized how much he needed her to be a true friend.
She was wary of caring about him, knowing well what happened to the people she cared about, but she couldn't stay away once she learned more about his latest experience in the pit. Everything he went through, she only knew a few highlights, but…
"How are you okay?" she asked softly.
He scoffed and held himself stiffly.
\"What you went through in the pit this time…"
"This is okay?" he bit out. "I don't even know what's real."
"Whenever you're not sure, tell me and I'll prove it to you."
He looked at her sharply. What did she mean by that?
"When you first got out, you brushed over the whole 'existential agony' thing." She remembered his words at the cabin. "I know what the darkness is like. But it wasn't like that this time, was it?"
Pressing his lips together firmly against the memories, he shook his head.
"What happened?" She needed to know so she could help him. Malivore got into his head so easily in the gym. Whatever Ryan went through, he might never get past and live the normal life he wanted. Maybe asking him how he was 'okay' was a bit premature. He wasn't curled in a ball and hiding from the world. He was functioning. But whatever was going on in his mind had him trembling earlier. Even now, every mention of Malivore made his hand shake. He could try to cover it up, but she saw it all.
Thoughts raced in Ryan's mind. At first he wondered if she meant she would kiss him every time he wasn't sure what was real, and then he hesitated at her question, trying to decide if he should or could say anything about the pit.
Did he really want to tell her what happened?
Hundreds of years had passed since he tried to trust anyone. He learned the hard way not to trust, and yet…
The more he grappled with the decision, the more he felt his insides settle, just like they had during the kiss.
Yes, he wanted to tell her.
As messy as his life had been, as horrible as his father had tortured him, he knew without a doubt that she would never judge him. Whereas his father took everything and warped it for his own purposes, Hope would never do that to him. She wanted to know what happened because she cared about him. She was his friend.
He trusted her.
He just couldn't seem to find the words.
Opening his mouth, he tried, but the thing about being alone was he never learned how to share his most private thoughts.
"I… can't talk about it," he said finally after struggling.
She studied his face, searching, and wondered if maybe… "Would it be easier to show me?"
Intrigued, he asked, "How?"
"I'm not a vampire yet, so I can't peer into your mind without your permission, but there's this spell where you can guide me through your memories."
He wasn't sure he liked the sound of that.
He made a face.
"I can only see what you let me see." She immediately understood his hesitation. "I know what it's like to have someone access your memories without your permission. I would never do that to you." She still felt violated from the time Roman did that to her–stole a memory from her with his vampire powers and used it to destroy her world.
Now wasn't the time to think about her mother.
He slowly nodded and cleared his throat. "What do I have to do?"
"Nothing really," she said, moving to sit next to him. "I just need to be near you. Close your eyes and open your mind to me. Once I'm inside, just think of what you want to show me."
Ryan struggled to relax next to her. He felt that she was waiting for him before proceeding. It took a while for the tension to release, but when it did, he could hear her whispered spell and the magic charge through the air. He allowed his mind to open.
And there she was.
Standing in the bright open field of his memories, a slight wind stirring her hair as she looked around. "This doesn't seem so bad."
Looking to the small cottage in the distance, knowing at any moment a boy was going to run out to collect the morning eggs from the coop, he couldn't find the words to tell her that it really was bad.
So bad.
Hope understood that he couldn't speak–that was the reason she was inside the memory after all–so she quieted and stood next to him as the memories played out.
She watched the young boy and his mother, living their day-to-day lives. She watched as an innocent Ryan followed them with open curiosity and longing. She watched as the threat of war came upon the family. She watched as the family were forced to open their home to soldiers.
And, she watched as a devastated Ryan discovered their bodies the following morning.
Before she had time to react, the world around them went black.
She knew this place.
The pit.
Ryan was there, all alone and crying out as the memory faded.
Malivore laughed.
Then the memory started all over again.
"Again?" she murmured.
Ryan trembled as he nodded.
Hope began to understand. Malivore made him relive some of his most horrible memories over and over. And this was one of his worst.
These were the first people Ryan ever cared about, and they were killed. Malivore made him experience that repeatedly with no escape.
She reached out and grasped his hand.
"You can move on to the next one. You've seen this one enough."
He tried to think of where he wanted to go next… He almost skipped the next one, but decided to show her anyway.
The next memory began to play and Hope saw herself and Ryan arguing during their Christmas in October sponsored by Krampus.
"What did you wish for?!"
"A savior!"
She released his throat suddenly in surprise.
"What? You think I want this?" His arms swept out. "Todie at midnight? I would do anything to stop it."
"That's not how that conversation went…" Hope remembered it playing out quite differently. "This isn't a memory."
"It is." He stared at the scene ahead, transfixed. "Just not the memory you remember."
"I don't understand…"
"You want me to save you."
"I don't care who does it, I just can't seem to do it by myself. And I don't want to die."
She stared at him quietly for a long moment.
"I don't want you to die either."
Hope watched the scene in front of her, watched as 'she' worked to save him so he didn't have to go back to the pit. It wasn't the memory she had, but it was one he had, which meant…
The same eerie laughter rang out around them before the vision was gone.
Ryan clenched his eyes shut and shook his head, his hand trembling against hers.
Malivore not only tortured him with horrible memories, he also tortured him by changing memories to what Ryan wished for. He made Ryan think everything was okay. That he was never sent back to the pit. Then revealed the truth.
"Move on," she insisted, her voice catching. She had seen enough of that memory. She had seen enough of everything already, but she wouldn't end the spell yet. Ryan needed to share these memories somehow. She would stay and experience all of them with him for as long as he wanted her there. She would see everything he wanted her to see.
After the first memory, meeting Peter in Ryan's memories wasn't as horrific, but she understood him more than ever. She also understood why her being his friend was such a monumental occurrence.
Never being able to tell anyone the truth of who you are because you couldn't trust they would accept you meant never having a realfriend. For the first time, she saw how important she was to him for just that reason alone.
And maybe she felt the same way about him.
"He especially loved torturing me with this next one," he managed to say somewhat sarcastically though he was clearly rattled. "He didn't have to change any of this one. I'm sure you know it well…"
The vision changed to the pit again, and Hope saw herself with Ryan once more. He was right. She knew this.
This was when she discovered he had been lying to her the entire time, keeping her in Malivore so she wouldn't leave him alone.
"He tortured you by showing you the comfort spell I did for you?" she asked.
"You did that for me and… it made me hope, which has always been a dangerous thing for me." He considered releasing her hand because what happened next still upset him after all this time but decided against it.
Holding her hand while going through the memories created a balm over the memories. It soothed the sting and made it more bearable.
As if he hadn't gone through it alone.
Because she was there.
She would always be a part of those memories now.
They both watched as she ignored his pleading.
"Screw you, Hope!"
As she flew away, the memory of Ryan went from anger to terror to pleading and begging.
"I'm sorry," she said softly. At the time, she had been in her own little world, panicking, terrified to lose everything in her life and striving to do anything to get it back. She didn't care about him at the time. And she left him to this. "If I could do it over again, I would've found a way. At the time I just…"
He didn't say anything but squeezed her hand gently to show he appreciated her apology. She didn't have to go on. He understood. They were enemies long before they ever became friends. He would have done the same thing if their positions were reversed. He just wished he would have been in her position, not his own.
Being left behind was terrifying. He never felt more hopeless.
Bracing himself, he stumbled headlong into the long stretches of memories of being left alone in the pit. Of being scared of every sound, constantly on edge, the terror all consuming.
"I've experienced small bits of the pit alone, and I was there with you, but this? For years at a time? I don't know how you got through this," Hope said, realizing all of it had stretched on indefinitely as time didn't matter in the pit. It was a miracle his mind wasn't lost completely.
"I have a theory… I wasn't human then. Maybe like the rest of me, my mind healed?"
"Do you think since you're human now the memories of the torture will come back and overwhelm you so you're not okay?"
Glancing down at their clasped hands, thinking of having her there with him, he responded with a small smile, "No."
"Hope, come get me out of here. Please get me out of here."
He winced as he forgot that particular part of this memory.
She stared at his memory self, crouched, losing his mind and begging her to come save him.
He needed to get her out of this memory before he started screaming for her. He knew it was coming.
"That was a mistake."
"Calling out for me?"
"Yeah… not that I wouldn't have been happy if you somehow heard my mindless call from the inner pit of hell, but Father heard my cries. Not you."
"And Malivore being Malivore…" She knew exactly where this was going.
"Yep." He decided to show her the last bit. He made her relive part of that memory already by kissing her. At least this way she would know it really was a kiss made out of gratitude… at least as evidenced by the memory itself. She would never know his inner thoughts where he acknowledged he fell in love with her somewhere along the way.
As the fake memory played out the vision Malivore created for him, Hope understood why Ryan struggled so much with what was real. Malivore made him think she came to rescue him when she never had.
"You did it," he whispered as he held onto her. "You really came for me."
"You can let go anytime. I promise I won't disappear."
He kept hugging her in jubilation, the smile nearly cracking his face, before letting her go, then hugging her again.
"It's okay. You don't have to let go until you're ready."
Without thinking, he lowered his head and kissed her.
"Are you ready to let go now?" she asked, not mentioning the kiss when he finished.
He opened his mouth but before he could respond, he began to dissolve.
She looked away. She never wanted to see anyone dissolve into a puddle of mud ever again.
"Not long after that was when Andie did her spell and I was released from the pit," he said. "I never once mentioned that in the pit, so he had no clue. I knew it was real."
"At least you had somethingthat was real," she breathed deeply. "Ready to move on?"
"I… think that's it. There was more that happened but…" he shrugged. He showed her the highlight reel. There were so many other things Father tortured him with, but those were the ones that affected him the deepest. The ones that still had the power to shake him and interfere with his life for many years to come.
She nodded and ended the spell.
Opening their eyes, they found themselves still sitting in his room. The only change was darkness had fallen outside, the sun almost tucked away for the night.
"That took longer than it felt," he murmured, then he looked down at the bed between them where her hand was grasping his. That was another change. They weren't holding hands before she cast the spell.
His body trembled as it always did when he revisited the memories. His hand didn't tremble for once though, not while she was holding it.
He didn't want to pull away.
She didn't pull away either.
"I get it now," she murmured.
"How screwed up I am?"
"What you went through, why you want to leave this world behind, why you wanted to be human. I mean, I knew what you wanted, but I never understood why you wanted it. You could still be a mudman and have a family. Not biologically, but still."
"Given the connection between Father and me, I'm not so sure I would survive once he was destroyed anyway."
"True," she nodded. "But it wasn't just about living forever or being human to you. You want love and freedom. To you, those two things are more important than anything else."
"To be free of Father, and the pit, able to fulfill my own destiny, whatever I want it to be…"
"You once told me that you wished your father could love you despite how messed up you are, just like my friends love me."
He nodded, "Fruitless wishing."
"But that's important to you too? Love."
"Yeah, it is…" He glanced at their hands one more time before slowly pulling away. "Which is why once this is over, I'm going to leave, start over, and find the love I'm looking for."
She missed his hand once he pulled away, but in a way she was glad. She didn't want to keep talking about love with him. Love was becoming her least favorite feeling. Her loving someone became their downfall. She was never going to love Ryan, and she already warned him to never ever love her.
He yawned unexpectedly. And then the tiredness hit. He felt rung out like a limp dish towel.
"Side effect," she smiled softly. "Traipsing through memories can be exhausting."
He yawned again and his eyes drooped. He was surprised how tired he felt. Humans were really weak creatures, weren't they?
"Now that we're done, good night." Also, he didn't want to keep talking about 'love' with her. The best way to avoid it was to change the subject, or go to sleep. "Thanks for… wanting to see."
"Thanks for showing me." She knew, especially after the vision of Peter, that it took a lot of trust for him to share everything with her. He was used to having people he opened up to turn their backs on him. She would never do that to him.
He nodded and sank down to rest his head on the pillow, closing his eyes.
She stared down at him.
She didn't want to leave. She couldn't leave him alone. Not yet.
Her heart ached for him, for everything Malivore put him through. For all the pain she caused him too.
Deciding to stay, she shifted and got more comfortable knowing, somehow, he needed her to stay to keep the demons away.
"I'm staying."
His soft sleepy "Hmm" was her only answer.
Hope woke first the next morning.
The clock on his nightstand told her it was still early. She needed to get back to her room; but, instead, she rested on her side with her head propped up by a pillow and stared at him.
Ryan still faced her in his sleep. She couldn't seem to tear her eyes away from him.
The friendship she had with him came after a slew of bizarre events. Their entire history made it crystal clear they should be enemies, but they weren't. She had a way of seeing people by the reason for their actions, not just the actions themselves. When it came to Ryan, she now knew the man. She knew what made him tick.
She couldn't help but think it was all meant to lead them to where they were.
Friends, of course, where he trusted her more than anyone else.
She was beginning to trust him a lot more than she trusted most people too.
He stirred, shifting slightly on the bed, before slowly opening his eyes. His sleepy gaze connected with hers and it took him a second to remember everything from the night before.
"You're still here," he finally mumbled.
"I am," she said.
Staring at him, she couldn't shake the feeling that overcame her. It was a feeling she had felt in the back of her mind, one she never acknowledged even though it had been there from the first time she met him. She never once chose to explore it or give in to it because there was no point. Someone else was already at the forefront of her mind.
But now, after going through some of the worst experiences of her life, and after the kiss yesterday, she couldn't stop herself from letting those feelings in.
She felt her blood warm, her throat dry, and her stomach quiver—like a chemical reaction. None of it was bad. It just all spelled one thing.
Ryan Clarke stirred something inside of her that she couldn't resist anymore.
She didn't want to resist it.
Her eyes were drawn to the stubble on his jaw before tracing a path to his mouth.
The urge to kiss him again welled up so she leaned forward, coming in slowly to give him the opportunity to pull away if he wanted to.
She kept it short, stealing a gentle good morning kiss from his lips, then pulling away to gauge his reaction.
His eyes were surprised but heavy laden. He was not unaffected by the kiss.
Meeting no resistance, she decided to kiss him again.
Ryan wasn't sure if he was dreaming, but if he was, he never wanted to wake up. It had to be a dream… didn't it? Otherwise, why would she kiss him?
He pulled away. "I know this is real… if that's why."
"I just… need to feel something real too," she murmured, her eyes searching his. "Okay?"
"Okay." He kissed her again even as his mind raced. The sleep fog in his brain was taking too long to wear off. There were things he needed to ask, things he needed to understand. Yesterday they were friends. Just friends. He thought that was clear. Now they were kissing. She kissed him first. Why?
Pulling away again, he had to ask, "Is this a pity makeout?"
She scowled. "I would never kiss anyone out of pity."
"Then why?"
Her eyes dropped to his mouth again, "Because I want to kiss you."
When she kissed him once more, his mind went blank, fizzling out as the pleasure centers in his brain exploded. He kissed her back until his thoughts returned. Why did she want to kiss him? If it wasn't out of pity for his poor tortured soul, what was it?
He stopped long enough to say "But–" before she interrupted him.
Panting slightly, she explained herself quickly, "I don't feel sorry for you. I feel close to you. I… want to keep feeling that a little while longer. Okay?"
Kissing her was his answer. He was okay with that. There were things they needed to talk about but he wasn't awake enough for that conversation.
He also didn't want to stop kissing her to have that talk.
It could wait.
As the sun rose higher in the sky, Hope stayed with him as long as she could, exploring his mouth and relishing in the feel of him exploring hers, but eventually she knew they had to stop.
"We have to go to breakfast," she panted between kisses. "And the squad meeting."
"Right," he kissed her one more time before pulling away.
Seeing the time on the clock, she hopped out of bed, "Meet you in fifteen?"
"Twenty," he said, wondering if that was enough time to compose himself.
As she left, he sprawled on his back and stared at the ceiling.
What was that?!
And when was it all going to disappear? Was he still in the pit? Right now, was his father laughing at him? Was any of this real?
He knew Father never let things go on that long before, that he never had the visions for more than a minute before they were ripped away.
Had he spent his morning in bed kissing Hope?
Pulling a pillow down, he turned, tugging it against him and hugging it close.
It was real. She was real. She wanted to kiss him.
He looked at the clock.
Five minutes had passed.
It was real.
Starting to rise, while moving his arm the tender mark on his wrist caught his notice. He had bitten his wrist twice now. Once for a locator spell when he knew everything was real. The second to prove to Malivore in the cage that he was 'Hope' even though he wasn't. That was real too.
Without thinking it through, he bit his wrist again. Hard.
Ow.
Yep. That hurt.
Kissing Hope that morning was real.
As real as his wrist was bleeding again.
Rising, he went to clean his wrist and get ready for the day.
Today's 'Super Squad' meeting should be interesting.
"So what happened?" Lizzie asked.
"He was inside and he was hurting. It was working," Hope explained. "But then I had to let him go."
"But why?!" Kaleb exclaimed.
The vampire could barely contain himself. Hope knew he was hanging onto his cool by a thread. Hopefully he could keep it a little longer.
"He saw in my head." She glanced at Ryan. "He knew about Ryan. That he was alive and pretending to be me."
"What does that even mean?" Kaleb threw his hands up as he glared from Ryan to Hope.
"It means I did what I had to do to keep the situation from getting worse." Hope glared back.
"What could possibly make it worse?!" Kaleb sputtered.
"Trying to get three people out of Malivore instead of two!" Hope raised her voice.
Josie sighed, "Malivore went after Ryan."
"Yes!" Hope answered sharply, eyes on Kaleb. "But, at least now we know my blood can't hurt him."
Lizzie leaned forward. "You mean, I was right? What do I mean, of course I was right!"
Kaleb finally dragged his eyes away from the defensive tribrid. "Right, meaning?"
"I told her I didn't think she was toxic to Ryan." Lizzie smiled smugly.
Ryan raised an eyebrow at Lizzie. That was the first he heard of the blond's theory.
He felt Alaric's eyes on him and immediately knew why the man glaring daggers at him again. If Hope wasn't toxic to him, that meant he could actually be with Hope without returning to Malivore. Something Ryan had realized that morning while getting ready for breakfast. He wondered how the headmaster would react knowing Hope slept in his bed last night. Not that anything happened… until that morning at least.
"Why did you think that?" Jed asked.
Lizzie rolled her eyes and waved her hand to move the dialogue along. "Their blood mixed on the map when they did the spell to locate Malivore. Nothing happened."
Ryan remembered that moment and it made sense. He wished he knew that sooner before Hope had to cauterize his neck wound. That really hurt.
Kaleb turned to look at Hope, his face hard, "So you already knew Malivore couldn't hurt him but you let Malivore go anyway."
Feeling the mounting tension reach an epic high, MG stepped forward to put a gentle hand on Kaleb's shoulder in a silent reminder to keep cool.
Hope shifted her stance defensively. "There was no way to know for sure, and I wasn't taking any chances."
Kaleb held up his finger, pressing his lips together in anger. "But you did Hope! You took a chance by letting him go and now we may not have any chance of saving Cleo!"
"Or Landon," Jed added.
"Yeah, well, what's done is done." Hope swept her own hand out aloofly. "Can't change it now."
MG's grip tightened. "Hope, come on."
"Everyone just take two steps back and chill," Lizzie said, mostly referring to Hope and Kaleb, the only two standing besides MG. "A new plan is needed. Now. We need more ideas and less violence."
"We have no ideas, Lizzie," Kaleb said. "Just a library full of books where the only memory spells are referenced to vampires compelling memories away. Nothing about an ancient glob of mud and its magical memory stealing properties. And I know because Hope had me go through every single one!"
"All that and not one idea of how to find Cleo?" Hope raised an eyebrow. "Maybe you took a chance by ignoring everything else in the books."
Kaleb jerked forward and MG yanked him back.
Ryan reached out and touched Hope's arm, frowning. She glanced at him and read the question in his eyes. She knew her attitude was a little overboard. She also knew that while he didn't understand that attitude, Josie and Lizze did.
Still, she needed to calm down. Lizzie was right.
"How to find Cleo?" Kaleb laughed ironically. "I know exactly where she is. She's in our gymnasium trapped in a giant black hole!"
Something was tickling at the corner of Ryan's consciousness, something he completely forgot until that moment.
"The prison world."
Everyone turned to look at him at once.
"The prison world?" Hope asked.
"That's what Landon managed to say to me before…" Before he dissolved. At the time, Ryan was fighting his own terror, on the verge of his first panic attack thinking he was going to return to the pit, so he forgot his brother's words until the memory was knocked loose. "'The prison world' was all he said. I don't know if that means she's there, but he said that for some reason."
Kaleb relaxed for the first time since he entered the room, looking around with a mixture of hope and doubt.
"Why would Malivore put her in the prison world?" Hope asked.
"How would he put her in the prison world?" Lizzie asked.
"Maybe he's still connected to it?" Josie questioned, looking back and forth between them. "I mean, we still have no idea how he managed to get out of the prison world in the first place. What if he found his own way in and out?"
"Then there's a chance she's there." MG smiled at Kaleb.
"Good," Kaleb finally sat down and leaned back. "So you guys just hocus pocus her out of there."
"It's… not that easy," Josie said hesitantly.
"The ascendant was destroyed," Lizzie reminded everyone.
"Which was Cleo's fault," Hope pointed out.
Ryan frowned at her again though she didn't see him. He already knew something wasn't right when it came to Cleo and Hope. He would think Hope was jealous of Cleo and Landon, except it was Malivore in that hotel room. As herfriend–and whatever they were after that morning–he should probably ask her. What's more, he wanted to know.
"Cleo's?" Lizzie eyed her. She knew Hope had a serious issue with Cleo, but Lizzie was still sore over Hope's attempt to manipulate Josie into using the ascendent and nearly killing them all in the process.
Hope grimaced.
"So? Just make another one," Kaleb shrugged.
"Like I said, it's not that easy," Josie repeated, looking worried.
"Well, at least she's safe there," MG tried to look for the brightside, but promptly lost it, "...as safe as you can be in a world full of monsters." He gulped.
"Since she's safe, we can focus on saving Landon and taking out Malivore." Hope promised Ryan she wouldn't let Malivore hurt him. She fully intended to keep that promise. "Thenwe can save Cleo."
"I'm getting really tired of you prioritizing everyone else over Cleo." Kaleb was not amused.
"Again," Josie piped up, "Not that easy."
"Why not?" Jed asked.
Josie glanced at Lizzie and saw the understanding in her sister's face. Her twin being on the same page as her wasn't surprising, especially since she had a hand in making the ascendant and prison world in the first place.
"Ted is dead," Josie said. "In order for Hope to kill Malivore, she'll have to die to become the tribrid. If we can't get Malivore out of Landon, he'll die when Malivore dies."
"Still not seeing the problem." Jed tried, but he really didn't get it.
"The prison world was linked to those four," Lizzie filled in the blank. "Hope, Landon, Malivore, and Ted. If all of them are dead?"
"The prison world ceases to exist," Josie finished.
"And, as we know," Kaleb dropped his foot and leaned forward, tensing once again, "So does everything in it."
Lizzie looked down, adjusting her shirt as her thoughts drifted to Sebastian for the first time in a while. Another casualty to a prison world.
"Can't you just link her to it?" MG asked.
"It's…" Josie began with a wince.
"Not that easy. We get it." Kaleb huffed in frustration.
"Without the ascendant, we just don't have a lot of options." Josie looked at Lizzie again.
Lizzie grew thoughtful. "Okay, so first we need to verify Cleo actually isin the prison world."
"Easy. Astral project," Hope nodded. "I'll go."
"I'll go with you," Josie said quickly.
Lizzie leveled her gaze at Hope.
"What?" Hope gazed hard back at her.
Lizzie wasn't sure why Hope volunteered, but at least Josie was going along. Josie would be sure to report back a sighting. Not that Hope wouldn't tell the truth, but she knew Hope was struggling. The rest of the team didn't know Hope's reasons for being so against Cleo, they probably assumed she was more worried about finding Landon.
"You two do that," Lizzie finally said. "I gotta make a phone call."
"Wait, can't I project with y'all?" Kaleb asked.
"No." Hope really should stop, but she couldn't help it. Kaleb had riled her and she wouldn't let it go. Blame it on her wolf.
"It'll take enough power just for us to project." Josie smoothed over Hope's reply. "But I can give her a message if you want?"
"Yeah, I'll do that."
"Who are you calling?" MG asked Lizzie.
"If Cleo is there, we need to find out how to get someone out of a prison world without an ascendant," Lizzie explained. "Hopefully, Aunt Bonnie can help."
"She's there," Kaleb said, glancing at Ryan whom he didn't know but appreciated for remembering Landon's message. "I can feel it."
"This meeting of the Super Squad and the psychic vampire is adjourned," Lizzie deadpanned.
"Can we talk?" Ryan asked Hope in the hallway after everyone left. Most of the others had class but Hope didn't. Ryan didn't have to teach either, of course.
Hope figured he wanted to talk about what happened between them that morning… and just thinking about how freeing it was to let go of all her responsibilities and worries for a little while had her wanting a repeat performance.
"Sure," she said with a slow smile edged with a bit of a smirk. "Let's go."
Ryan followed her and was only a little surprised when she led him back to his room. It was probably for the best anyway. He would much rather question her about Cleo in private.
"What's the deal with you and Cleo?" he asked once she closed the door.
Her shoulders tensed. "It's fine." She took his hand and tugged him down to sit next to her on the bed. "That's not really what you want to talk about, is it?"
"Ye–ah?" He grew distracted when she leaned into him.
"I'd rather not," she murmured as she slid her fingers to the hair at the nape of his neck and gently tugged him down to meet her lips to his.
Kissing him felt more natural the more she did it, and this time was no exception. She wasn't sure what had come over her, and she didn't care.
She just wanted to feel something good.
Giving in to Hope again was the easiest thing he ever did. In the hours since that morning, his mouth missed hers. Being pressed to hers, exploring her lips, tasting her sweetness, moaning as she did the same to him. Holding each other, they tipped back onto the bed to get more comfortable as they continued getting to know one another more intimately.
It seemed too good to be true. It had to be too good to be true. He remembered her words clearly.
"Don't love me. Ever. Loving me is a death sentence, if you haven't figured that out yet."
She didn't want him to love her. So what were they doing? What was she doing? What was this?
"Is this real?" he asked between kisses.
Her brow furrowed and he realized he worded that wrong.
"Not in my mind, but this… what is this?" He stopped kissing her but didn't pull away. He didn't want to be away from her, but he needed to know what they were doing. He needed it defined.
"You're leaving," she said as if that explained everything.
It didn't.
Seeing the look on his face, she tried again, "We're friends… who kiss sometimes… at least until you leave…"
Oh.He closed his eyes and took a calming breath.
"You okay with that?" she asked, stroking gently at the back of his neck. He told her yesterday that he hadn't fallen in love with her, and she was glad about that. He seemed to like kissing her though, so why not do it until he left? Maybe Lizzie was right about the whole rebound thing too. Not that Ryan was really a rebound. He was just… a friend. A friend who was leaving soon.
Ryan struggled to wrap his head around her words. She wanted to be friends, who kissed, and that was it. Could he live with that for now?
Opening his eyes which he knew were filled with questions, he locked them with hers.
"You've got plans for what you want to do with your life," she went on, seeing that he needed more. "I already know I'll have nothing to do with that. You want a life free of the supernatural and my entire life is supernatural."
He nods hesitantly. That was the plan. It was a good plan. It was what he always wanted.
"You're not in love with me, and I'm not in love with you." She said it as a statement, not knowing how it made him flinch inside. "It makes it easier to do this, knowing it won't destroy me when you do leave. That there is an end date. That you will be leaving. I'd rather you live than stick around and die."
"This is really what you want?" he asked, knowing he was going to agree to it even though it would hurt. She was right. He was going to leave. But he wanted what he could have of her before that time came. He could do this. At least he thought he could. "Doesn't sound like you."
"I want to feel something real too." Her eyes searched his, and he could tell she was silently hoping he would agree. Even if she could never love him, she wanted this with him. "I feel that with you."
"Okay," he agrees with a slow smile.
Grinning in return, she raised herself half over him to kiss him enthusiastically.
Losing himself in her momentarily, he returned her kisses before his mind won out again.
There was a reason he wanted to talk to her, and he wouldn't let her put it off again. He shared his most traumatic experiences with her because she was there for him as a friend. It was his turn to be there for her.
In the smoothest move possible, he pushed her onto her back and raised himself half over her, kissing her once, twice… before finally asking, "What wasn't real for you?"
"Hmm?" She barely acknowledged his words as she tried to reach up and kiss him again.
"You said you want to feel something real too." He refused to kiss her until she explained, though he didn't move off of her.
She stared at him, playing his words in her head until they made sense. Then she realized what he wanted.
He wanted from her what he had given to her.
Her trauma.
She dropped back against the bed and looked away, pressing her lips together in frustration as she tasted him on them. She wanted to keep kissing him, to forget all about her issues with Landon and Cleo, and all the other bad things that happened in her life to make existing hurt as much as it did.
"Traumatic times at Salvatore High? You showed me yours, now I show you mine?" she joked.
"You don't have to tell me," he backpedaled. He didn't think this through. He wanted to know what was bothering her; but, he forgot that even though he had learned to trust her she may not trust him yet. "I'm here if you want to tell me."
The old Clarke would have insisted she tell him, or try to manipulate it out of her. But this was Ryan, and Ryan was her friend who cared about her. He was trying to be a friend to her, like she was a friend to him.
Strangely, she appreciated that more than she thought she would.
"Cleo was the muse that was inside that wish box artifact. She had a history with Malivore. It was where his idea for finding a vessel came from. Leonardo da Vinci built the artifact for her, and Cleo magicked herself inside of it. The artifact could only be opened by the one who could destroy Malivore."
He knew a bit of this already. The Pandora Project was a thorn in his side for many years. "You opened it."
"Yep," she nodded. "After Doctor Saltzman searched long and hard for it because it was my last hope of trying to find Landon. We thought it could grant a wish."
"If only it could." He wanted to use it to get free from Malivore. To destroy Malivore. Only, he could never get the darn thing open.
"Well, it opened, but nothing happened. Or so we thought. And… that was when I gave up."
"Gave up?"
"Trying to find a way to bring Landon back." She still refused to look at him. "Before that, I was single minded in my focus, holding back my grief, insistent that I could do something. After that artifact, I admitted defeat. And that was… hard."
She stopped talking, needing a moment as she remembered how she felt when she gave up hope.
"Everything was bleak. Harsh. The loss, I had known before. I knew, just like when my parents died, that it would stay with me forever."
She finally looked at him, "I know how much you want to know love, but I've known it, in all its different forms, and losing the ones you love? It destroys something inside of you. Changes you. And you'll never be the same again. There's a saying that it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I guess we can both attest to each of those, but we'll never know which one really is better."
He thought she had it better but knew it was pointless to argue with her. As she said, they would never really know.
"It was like… I was haunted. I saw him behind every corner, in every hallway, trapped in all the memories. I just went through the motions of living. I felt, but all I felt was pain and heartbreak."
She looked away again and took a deep breath.
"In the midst of all that, we found some new students for the school. Cleo was one of the new recruits. She became my roommate, and my friend."
He remembered her telling him that the school nearly lost its accreditation.
"Did you know–"
"We had no idea that she came from the artifact. We knew nothing about her really. She trapped herself in that artifact sealed with a spell that could only be opened by whoever could kill Malivore. I guess, like you, she knew he would keep coming after her, so she hid the best way she knew how until that time came. She wanted her freedom, and she didn't care what it cost."
He understood the need for freedom. He hadn't cared about the cost either. He didn't have to wonder for long what this Cleo was willing to do for her freedom.
"I was taking too long to get over losing Landon. Taking too long to get on with killing Malivore, which was what she wanted me to do without actually telling me to do it. So, since she couldn't help me to get past my grief, she changed tactics and gave him to me."
"Gave him to you? Malivore?"
"No, Landon."
This time she moved her arms to cross them over her chest. He got the feeling this was a hard part for her too, harder than the grief. He shifted away, thinking she needed some space, but he stayed next to her.
"She created a golem of Landon," she said starkly. "She made me think Landon was back. That her and Kaleb and Doctor Saltzman did something to bring him back. I know she did it because she knew I wanted to go to the prison world to find Landon. I found proof he was alive in the prison world. She didn't want me using the ascendant. She didn't want to give Malivore a way out. So she gave me 'Landon'."
"Only, it wasn't Landon." He gulped, thinking about that. Cleo created a golem. Had she created himtoo? He didn't know Cleo, but he never really knew how Malivore managed to create him in the first place.
She shook her head. "Nope. He only knew what I knew about Landon. How I saw Landon. The conversations I had with him. She created him based on my memories. I thought he was real. I believed he was real."
Ryan was beginning to understand the problem. She thought the golem of Landon was real. She wanted to be with Ryan now because she needed something real. She wanted to kiss him because it was real…
Which meant, it hadn't been real before.
"How long did you believe the golem was Landon?"
She scoffed out a bitter laugh, "Months? Two at least."
And that entire time, she thought her boyfriend was back. She already knew she couldn't physically be with him, so she never slept with him again, but she would kiss her boyfriend. Of that, Ryan had no doubt.
Cleo did that to her, set her up and then broke her with the truth.
"That's why you want something real. To kiss me, because you know I'm real."
She met his eyes again. "When you kissed me yesterday, this never ending storm in my mind quieted. I… needed that. I wanted that again."
He liked hearing that. At least when she kissed him she knew it was him she was kissing. That she wasn't hoping or pretending it was someone else.
He had to ask, "Why is everyone trying to save Cleo after what she did?"
She laughed, "I didn't even tell you the part where I found out about the golem and then she tried to kill me."
He didn't need to be a genius to figure out why, "Because you need to be the tribrid to kill Malivore."
"Bingo," she nodded. "And they're trying to save her because… well, despite all that, we don't let people die. Because Cleo has her reasons. Because Kaleb thinks he's in love with her. Because…"
"Because it's the right thing to do," he finished for her, knowing how this humanity thing worked by now.
"Yeah, that one," she sighed. "I don't have to like her to save her. She betrayed me. She used and manipulated me. But she still needs help."
"Are you sure you want to keep doing this with me though?" he had to ask again. "It may be real, but Landon isn't really dead."
"Even if we save Landon, it's over between him and me," she said. "Between everything that happened, I've realized many truths, and the biggest one was that we weren't good for each other."
"You really believe that?" he asked in disbelief. He knew she told him some variation of that before, but that was before he spent half the day making out with her.
"It's hard to see what's right in front of you but distance helped me see the issues in our relationship for what they were. And ours weren't good. For me, at least. You'd have to ask him about him."
Which he couldn't really do. But at least he knew she wasn't holding out for Landon while messing around with him. And messing around was what they were doing.
"That's why being with you is so easy for me, like I said." She finally dropped her arms and turned back toward him. "No relationship other than friendship, no expectations. I lose everyone I care about, but when I know going in that you're not going to stay, it takes away the fear. I don't have to be scared of what will happen if I keep kissing you, and I like that."
Her words frustrated him, but again, he wasn't going to deny her.
"You know, most friends don't make out…" He would give her one last out if she wanted to take it though. He wanted to be absolutely certain he wasn't taking advantage of her vulnerability.
"No labels, Ryan," she shook her head. "I know how most friendships work, and how most relationships work. Just forget all that. Everything is all about always or forever or even tomorrow. How about today, Ryan? Can I just enjoy today? With you?"
"Yeah… yeah, you can."
With renewed vigor, he kissed her again, giving her everything she wanted. He understood what she needed, and he could give it to her until he left. He would be leaving because she didn't want to ever love him and that was whathe needed.
Love.
He understood, deep down, that he probably loved her but telling her wouldn't change anything. His love wasn't what she wanted or needed. His comfort was.
Their kisses were just that. They weren't a prelude to more, not even with them lying together on his bed. The kisses were just to get to know one another. He couldn't even remember if he had ever just kissed someone to makeout. Usually a kiss led to sex, but not with Hope. He could probably kiss her for the rest of his human life and be fine with doing only that. Except, that wasn't the way the world worked.
She had a class she needed to get to, so she left after they made plans to meet in the library later that evening.
Minutes later, a knock sounded at the door.
Crawling out of bed and shoving a sheepish hand through his messy hair, he opened the door with a wide grin, "Forget something?"
But it wasn't Hope.
Josie Saltzman stood with her eyes blazing in a remarkably similar fashion to her father's. "Why is my dad teaching your class?"
The witch was frustrated and angry with him… because he wasn't teaching her class anymore? Some teenagers he would never understand.
"I was subbing. I'm not anymore."
"Why not?" she demanded to know. "You're still here, aren't you?"
"I'd think you'd be happy I'm not teaching anymore." He raised an eyebrow.
"I am!"
"Okay, then…?" What did she want from him?
"You did it again. You came in, got the students to trust and respect you, again, and then you bailed on them.Again! What's your problem?"
Was she angry for the other students, or for herself? Either way, it didn't matter. He would have kept teaching if it were possible. It wasn't.
"They knew I was a sub. They'll be fine." He taught the students for a week. That was hardly long enough for them to cry over his departure.
"You made a deal. All this talk about survival and apologies. How can anyone believe a word you say when you can't even make good on that?"
Seeing the anger and hurt, he knew it was definitely about her.
"I told Hope I would stay to help her with Malivore. She made the deal for me to teach. I went along with it until it became impossible to continue."
"What made it so impossible?"
"Miss Saltzman–"
"You're not my teacher anymore, don't call me that."
He nodded, "I really am sorry for what I did to you. Believe me or don't. I don't expect you to forgive me for it either. But some things, like why I resigned as a substitute? Are just none of your business."
Judging by the way she turned on her heel and stomped away, he figured she didn't like hearing that.
He closed the door with a sigh.
Then he looked at his wrist.
No need to question if his time with Hope was real.
If Malivore was in control, he would never have given him a vision of Josie.
And Hope wouldn't have completely shut down the idea of a future with them together.
He was still free.
For now.
To be continued…