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Ch.54- "Duty"
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Erwin had read through one journal in its entirety and about a third of the way through another by the time Levi returned with Hange in tow. Whatever they had been given to dull the pain of the surgery was still in effect, which was why Levi had come up to his office once more, demanding he "get his ass down to the main hall and help". He obliged, of course, but not without question.
"Why can't you get anyone from your squad to help you? Jean can probably lift Hange. I know Floch could."
"Cuz they're requesting you specifically, Papa." Levi had left the section commander on the stairs, or so he claimed, because they were currently sprawled out on the floor. Their new bandages were clean and tightly wrapped, but it didn't seem like it would be staying that way for long if they kept pawing at it. Levi made a noise caught between a growl and a yowl, grabbing both of Hange's hands and dragging them towards the stairs. "Stop touching your face before I cut both your fucking hands off!"
"You're so strong, Levi… how'd you be so strong…?" Erwin stooped down beside them, wrapping his arm around their chest and heaving them first into a sitting position before hauling them up to their feet. Hange giggled lowly, wrapping their arms around his neck and proceeding to go limp, leaving their entire body weight to drag him down. "Papa Erwin… look. I'mma cyclops…"
"I suppose that's technically correct…" If they hadn't been wearing goggles that slowed the debris, the shrapnel that lost them their eye might well have gone into their skull and lost them their life. An eye was a small price to pay in comparison, and Hange was clearly viewing the metaphorical glass as half full.
"We match now!"
"How- come on, stand up… there you go. How so?"
"I gots one eye, you gots one arm… Now we needa figure out somethin' for Levi to have one of so he can join the club…" As he half carried, half dragged Hange up the stairs, Erwin shot a dirty look back at the lieutenant who was keeping a step behind them, just to ensure he no longer had to help.
"I can think of a few body parts I'd like to relieve Levi of…"
"I was gonna say a leg, but Thomasina's got that covered… I know!" He winced as their excited shout went off right beside his head. "He can lose an ear!" Levi scoffed.
"I didn't let the Maracuso family take my ear- the fuck makes you think you'll be the one to get it?" The mention of Thomasin's name (even mispronounced) felt like a jab to the gut, and Erwin grasped at the opportunity to think about anything else.
"What even is your life, Levi…?"
"A story for another day. I'll say this- joining the Survey Corps? Probably the most mundane thing I've ever been involved in."
~o0o~
It took a few hours for the anesthesia to wear off enough for Hange to hold a train of thought. Erwin assured them that they could rest, but the section commander respectfully declined the offer. They could rest when they were dead, and there was too much work that still needed to be done. That was what found the three officers in his office, splitting the journals between them. Hange had immediately snatched up the volume labeled "The Extent of Our Knowledge of Titans and Their History", a peal of laughter bubbling over their lips as they kicked their feet in pure delight.
Levi took the memoir, leaving Erwin with the tome whose cover he had been most intrigued by back in the basement. "Information About the World Beyond the Walls". The kind of information the king had erased from their minds, information squirreled away in ancient books hidden by people who felt knowledge and the truth were worth dying for… all laid out before him. Without the Reiss family or Assembly interfering, this information could be published, shared with every person within the Walls… one day, it could even make its way into the schoolbooks of a new generation, a group of children who would never be ignorant, not about this.
Erwin had spent his entire life wondering what could be beyond the Walls- the people, the places, even the plants and animals. When they were cadets, Thomasin had posed the question to him; what if there was nothing? Even though it was a possibility in the back of his mind- after all, he'd seen first hand the destruction Titans left behind- he never truly entertained it. The more pages he flipped through, the more he began wondering if "nothing" would not have been preferable.
The world was filled with wonders- flying machines and mountains that spat fire and buildings taller than the Walls and giant lakes filled with salt water that covered most of the earth and billions of humans creating even more wonders.
The world was also filled with horrors- wars fought not between humans and Titans for survival, but between humans and other humans over land and religion and race. Weapons designed to kill entire cities- not just soldiers but civilians, children. People kept in walled-off districts, even smaller than the likes of Shiganshina or Trost, not to keep them safe from the monsters roaming outside… but to keep the monsters caged within.
Eldians… people like him and Hange and Levi, people who it was said could turn into Titans, were regarded as subhuman. Denied basic rights. Executed in the street. Not because they revealed a truth that shouldn't be spoken, or helped the wrong people, or threatened weak mens' grasp on power… but simply because they were born the way they were.
Eldians… the Children of Ymir… Slaves.
…filth and the taint of sin given human form…
For as loathed as they were by the "pure-blooded" in Mitras, even they didn't kill them in the street simply for existing… Erwin closed the journal, setting it aside and rubbing his stinging eyes. Hange looked up from the page they were holding mere centimeters from their face, their manic grin vanishing the moment they took note of his expression.
"What's wrong?"
"Everything…" he whispered, running his hand through his hair. "The more I read, the more I'm beginning to wish I had been wrong. When I first joined the Survey Corps, I didn't think it was possible that there were monsters worse than the Titans…" That's right; he'd given the people who murdered his father the benefit of the doubt at first, believing that maybe, just maybe, they were justified, that maybe his death was for the good of humanity… "Every time I think humanity can't sink to lower depths, I'm proven wrong…" Levi had been reading with a tight jaw, and as he too closed the covers of his journal, his thumb still marking his current page, he made no effort to hide the disgust curling his lip.
"Seems like this Marley place is populated entirely by the same kind of shit stains as the Assembly." He shook his head, a pain, a horror settling behind his eyes. "I never thought people in the Underground would have it better than anyone living on the surface… I thought, 'there's nothing so bad up there that it's not worth being able to see the sun every day'… but if I had to choose between this 'internment zone' or whatever it's called and the Underground… I think I'd take my chances in the dirt…" Looking between the grim-faced men, Hange's concern slowly turned towards fear.
"It- it can't be that bad… can it…?"
"I suppose you'll soon judge for yourself…"
~o0o~
It felt cruel to inform the recruits of their discoveries; they were so young and had already lived through so many horrors, but they were also what remained of the Survey Corps, and one day, it would be their duty to scout the path detailed by the journal, the path Grisha Yaeger took from Marley's docks to Paradis' stronghold. Each of the officers summarized one of the journals, starting with Hange. Somehow, the knowledge that every one of the Titans they had killed over the years was, without a doubt, a human being who had been punished for the crime of being born with the wrong blood, was the least horrifying revelation… at least, to most.
"So, wait…" Connie's voice shook almost as badly as his hands. "You're saying that these Marley people that Reiner and Bertholdt and Annie worked with… they're the ones who turn people into Titans…?"
"Yes," Hange told him softly. "It seems they use the same kind of serum the Reiss family within the Walls uses. Apparently, it can be created from any Shifter's spinal fluid, so unlike the Reiss family, they have a near unlimited supply-"
"So… what happened in Ragako… that had to be them, right?! That Beast Titan- you said it was controlling Titans in Shiganshina; that's what it was doing at Utgard Castle- that's how it wiped out Section Commander Mike's squad! It sent the Titans in waves!" His breathing grew more ragged as the tears that had been welling in his eyes finally spilled. "Reiner and Bertholdt were working with them the whole time… that's why they wanted to come with me; they wanted to see their plan working for themselves. They killed my little brother and sister while pretending to be my comrades, my friends…They turned my family into monsters… into weapons that they could use against us… Why!? What did we do to deserve this!?" Sasha pulled him into a tight hug as he began sobbing openly, biting her lip to keep her own tears at bay as she stroked his short hair.
"We didn't do anything to deserve this," Levi told the boy, his voice firm but not unkind. "We didn't do anything wrong. Marley wants what we have; a fuckton of natural resources that are perfect for making weapons… and the ability to control every single Titan." Jean frowned at those words, his own eyes misty.
"But… they can control Titans. At least, that hairy one can. It controlled the Titans in Shiganshina, it controlled the Titans at Utgard Castle, and everyone said the same thing- that when the Titans started attacking, it screamed like Eren did that day. It seems like they have their own version of that scream." Erwin nodded gravely.
"It does appear that way. But perhaps it isn't strong enough. It seems possible that the person controlling the Beast Titan might be someone of royal blood. If he's a direct descendant of the original King Fritz, he may well hold some sway over Titans… but it probably isn't enough. Think about it- haven't all of you seen Reiner and Bertholdt be targeted by mindless Titans in the field?" The three remaining members of Levi's squad nodded slightly. "Considering that if they had been eaten, Marley would have lost two of their most valuable weapons, if the person inside the Beast Titan could control all Titans, surely he would have ensured that his own soldiers would remain safe. When Eren activated his scream, the Progenitor's power, every single Titan within Wall Maria actively ignored us, going after Reiner instead. The allure of that power must be too much to ignore." Hange frowned up at him, lowering their voice.
" 'Progenitor'? Grisha said it's called the Founding Titan?"
"Well, Gerald Aleister disagrees. Or perhaps he simply doesn't know what people outside the Walls call it. I don't think he cares much either way, but… it might be wise to see if any of the high ranking nobility have ever been told about any of this by their grandparents…"
"So…" Floch's breathing had begun growing almost as haggard as Connie's, even though his terrified eyes remained dry. "It's not just some little group camping out outside of Wall Maria; we're at war with… what? The entire world?"
"It doesn't seem that way," Erwin told him, silently adding a thankfully to himself. "If what Dr. Yaeger said is to be believed, our people, the Eldians, aren't exactly well-loved the world over, but the only ones directly calling for our annihilation is our neighboring country of Marley."
"And… they can turn people into Titans en masse; even if they can't control them, they can still unleash them against us… they have weapons that we can't even dream of-"
"Yeah," Levi told him. "You know what else they have? Three less Titan Shifters than when they started. The Female- they call it the 'Mimic'- the Armored and the Colossal were their strongest weapons. And what did they do? Gave them to children, dropped their asses off in a strange new land and basically said 'win this war for us- we'll pick you up in a few years'. This Marley place might be a couple decades more advanced than us, but clearly their military is run by the kind of incompetent dumbasses that make the MPs look like a well-oiled machine by comparison, and their government's probably not much better." Hange nodded.
"The Armored is… somewhere. If what Grisha's notes say is correct, when we killed Reiner, it was passed to a random Eldian child who was born at the time. Given general probability, it's probably not in Marley, and even if it is, it's incredibly likely that whoever is the new holder will never even know- they'd have to be turned into a Mindless Titan just to unlock it, and I doubt anyone's going to go around turning hundreds of thousands of babies into Mindless Titans just to find one specific one. It's probably lost to the ages, a random disease cursing people to die young for no reason… what a pity…" they sighed.
"We still have the Female-" it was easier to remember than 'Mimic' "-in custody, and given that we know exactly what Titan serum is, it's highly likely that we'll soon be able to produce it ourselves and transfer it to one of our own soldiers… and we also have the Colossal." Erwin worked to suppress the shudder running down his spine. "We know the destruction it's capable of, and Marley does, too. The Beast Titan will have to inform them of their failure; hopefully, such a devastating loss will deter them, at least until we have a better idea of what we're up against."
"And what if it doesn't?" Floch's voice was tight, as though he were trying to keep the edge of fear out of it, but couldn't quite manage. "We trained to fight against Titans, and we could barely drive them back… If they come back with weapons we've never even seen before-"
"Then they'll have a taste of the horrors they thought to unleash upon us." Erwin's own voice was hard. Cold. Bordering on hateful. "Marley has been throwing our own people against our Walls for decades, trying to weaken us. Break us. All they've done is make us stronger. And we will continue to grow stronger, for they have made a grave miscalculation; they revealed themselves to us. Now, at last, we know who the real enemy is…"
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Give her a few days to cool off, Levi had advised him. He wanted to argue, that he knew his wife better than Levi, a stranger, could, but…
We're not strangers…
…we're the best of friends…
Thomasin never sounded facetious or sarcastic when she said things like that; her tone had always been plain, as though she were speaking a simple fact. That note… Erwin would never be able to stop thinking about that note until she explained it herself, but… she didn't want to see him. She didn't want to hear his voice. She didn't want to remember that he existed. So he took Levi's advice and did not return to Ehrmich for three days. He'd planned for it to be four but fear and dread had driven any thought of respecting her desire for space out the window.
He'd still returned to their… his… their house on the outskirts of Trost every day to see about Hennriette and Bernadette. It provided just about the only break from transcribing Grisha's work he got in a day, as he'd quickly opted to eat his "meals" (otherwise known as "whatever he could fit into his mouth without making too much of a mess") while he wrote. There was a lifetime of material to get through before they sent the journals to the Premier, and… in a simpler world, they would ultimately be returned to Eren; they were heirlooms his father had left to him, after all, the history of his own family…
But their world was not simple. The ways of the old regime were no longer in play. Things that could help humanity belonged to humanity, no matter how sentimental they may have been. The nobility had been stripped of their antique maps and books and paintings despite them being of little use ultimately. Grisha's journals were not just a memoir; they were intelligence on the enemy, information that, if they had known about it twenty years ago, could have saved countless lives. It was possible they would be entered into an archival record, in case another commander needed to consult them… but that was why Erwin recorded his own notes for everything of interest that passed by his desk, including Ilse's journal even though the pages containing her final encounter were still in his- or rather, the Survey Corps'- possession (on Hange's request, they had torn those pages out and returned the journal itself to Ilse's grieving parents).
Even without the physical volumes, Eren would still have the opportunity to read about his father's life… if the transcription ever finished. Erwin's wrist was ablaze, his fingers stiff and sore after barely reaching the end of a single journal. Hange and Levi had both offered to help, but… it wasn't so much that their handwriting was poor, rather, he just had an easier time of reading his own, even written with his left hand (as a completely unexpected but happy side effect, the hours and hours and hours of writing was lending itself to a drastic improvement in his script, sometimes even noticeable between the top and bottom of a page).
In truth, he was stalling. Putting off his actual duties, throwing himself into mindless busy work in a vain attempt to drown out the world around him. Wake up, head to his house to feed the chickens, return, and spend the remainder of the day writing until his eyes burned from tiredness and he could no longer hold his pen properly. As long as he was tired enough, he could fall asleep the moment his head touched his pillow… just like when he'd been a new recruit, when the loss and loneliness had been too much to bear…
Nothing changing.
Heading off base, out of the district and away from the reporters still hounding him, was a painfully brief respite, but one he welcomed nonetheless… until the day the comforting familiarity was destroyed. Erwin always went to the coop before heading inside to get the feed (they were running low, but he didn't know where to buy more). With every passing day, he had begun to see more and more why Thomasin viewed the hens more as pets than livestock. The enclosure had been vacant, but he chalked that up to his being earlier than usual. They were probably still asleep. With a faint smile, he clucked softly to draw them out, grateful that it was early enough that none of his few neighbors would see (or worse yet, hear) him. The birds had grown accustomed enough to his presence to respond when he was there, so it struck him as odd that they hadn't come out yet.
Frowning, Erwin squatted, trying to look into the small coop. The entrance wasn't very large, but it was wide enough for him to see that nothing was inside. Panic surging through him, he stood, desperately checking the latch. If they had flown into the door hard enough, or if someone had stolen them (meat was still a luxury, after all)… but if either of those things had happened, the latch wouldn't still be closed. Or rather, a thief wouldn't have bothered closing it back… Fumbling with his keys, he unlocked the door as quickly as he could, rushing inside. Everything looked the same at a glance. There wasn't anything to take, except…
Throwing open the cabinets, Erwin frantically scanned the rows of bottles and jars. Most of them were still there, but a handful were gone, the spaces that he'd known had been filled only yesterday painfully conspicuous. He didn't even bother closing them back as he ran into the bedroom. Everything was just as he'd left it, save for the closest. Still closed, and when he opened it, his plainclothes and shoes and uniforms… everything on his side was still there… and that was all that was there. The entire right side was empty- no, one thing remained hanging, a familiar coat that he had long since outgrown. He had teased Thomasin when he saw her packing it back in Calaneth, promising to buy her something nicer if she'd throw that ratty old thing out. She'd refused, of course, running her fingers over a stitch on the sleeve with a smile tinged with nostalgia…
"For those first few nights here, this was the only thing I had to keep myself warm… but it wasn't just the cold. I was so lonely… I pretty much didn't take it off for that first month, because… if I didn't think about it too hard, it felt like you were here with me." Her smile turned wry as she looked up at him. "Feel free to be disgusted." Erwin opened his mouth, but it took a moment for the words to come.
"…you know my clothes you slept in, when you came back to base with us after the culling?" She nodded. "…I didn't wash those for about three months after you wore them." Part of him expected her to be disgusted. He didn't know why- the snort and raucous laughter that followed was exactly what he had come to know.
"Wow. Now I don't know if I feel better or worse for having masturbated while wearing them…"
"I mean, I did too, so I guess we're even?" Their eyes locked and they were able to keep a straight face for all of about two seconds before they both burst out laughing this time…
How could that happy time when they could both smile and laugh when they were together have been less than a month ago? No… no, this- this wasn't right, this had to be some devious break in perpetrated for no reason other than to drive him insane. Erwin didn't even remember if he locked the door as he half ran, half stumbled out- either way, it didn't matter. There was nothing of value left in there, nothing that mattered to him.
The ferry was so damn slow; he could've gotten to Ehrmich faster on foot. The reception nurse didn't smile at him the way she usually did, getting to her feet, confusion and concern mingling on her face.
"Commander? Wh-what are you doing here? Is something wrong?"
"I have to see my wife." Eyes widened as her jaw fell just slack enough that she had to force it shut.
"She- she isn't at home, sir?"
"Why would she be at home? She's sick! She's supposed to be here!" The nurse took a step back, stepping behind her chair as though she expected Erwin to leap over the desk at her (and if he did, did she really think a little chair would serve as much of a deterrent?).
"Um… Just- P-please wait here for just one moment, Commander; I-I'm going to go get Dr. Jessep…" She did not turn, opting to back away from him until she had put a good two meters between him and herself. She then turned and ran down the hall as quickly as her silly shoes would allow, leaving Erwin alone with his thoughts, a fate he wouldn't wish on his worst enemy. Why would Thomasin be at home? Why wouldn't she be at home? Where was she?
Levi
I'm sorry
"Commander Erwin." He pulled his hand away from his hair, clenching a fist to try and stop it from shaking. Dr. Jessep approached him even as the nurse held back.
"Where is my wife?"
"She was discharged yesterday afternoon-"
"What!? Why? Why would you let her leave!?"
"Because she had recovered enough that her condition could be monitored on an outpatient basis… and because she wished to leave."
"And you just let her go!?" The doctor regarded him with a frown.
"This is not a prison, Commander, nor is it an asylum. We cannot hold patients against their will."
" 'Against their'- She collapsed in the street- that's why she was brought here in the first place! You sent her off, by herself, without even notifying me; what if she collapsed again in a side street with little foot traffic? What if she collapsed on the ferry and fell overboard? Do you truly believe 'we cannot hold patients against their will' is an excuse for such gross negligence!?" The older man shrank back slightly; he was probably used to angry patients and patrons threatening him financially, warning what their vast network of connections would do if they were displeased. Soldiers rarely visited civilian hospitals, especially within Wall Sina, so this was probably his first encounter with someone who killed things for a living. His annoyed tone quickly turned to one of placation.
"Commander, please, I assure you- if there had been any concern that Mrs. Smith would not be able to make the journey home on her own, we would have done everything in our power to keep her here. From what I recall, you came to visit her about three days ago- I was told you wanted to speak to me, but your wife said you had to leave suddenly for work. Later that day, she was able to walk around her room on crutches, and the next day, she was going up and down the hall without them. She explained that she's been a nurse for the Calaneth Garrison Hospital since shortly after Wall Maria fell; I would trust a fellow medical professional to know their own body's limits and symptoms better than a layperson." The doctor's frown returned, but this time, it was concerned rather than annoyed. "But you wouldn't be here asking where she is if something wasn't wrong…"
"Obviously not. Did she tell you where she was going?"
"She- She said she was going home. That she had many things waiting for her. I warned her not to be too active; whatever sickness affected her would have also affected her child, and while the midwife believes the baby is still in good health, her body will still take much longer to recover than she may be used to."
"…she said she's going home…?"
"Yes." He'd considered it a home, if only for a short while, but… had she ever thought of that quiet, lonely cage as anything more than a prison? "Commander?" Inhaling deeply, Erwin straightened his expression, his posture, ensuring that Commander Smith was properly on display.
"It just occurred to me that, in that case, I was probably checking the wrong house. I would have expected her to return there because it's closer, but… it's less familiar." To his surprise, the doctor sighed, a relieved smile creasing his cheeks.
"Ah, well that certainly makes sense. Often when our patients are recovering from a serious or long-term illness, they wish to recuperate in one of their secondary or summer homes- I've heard more than one person pining for their cottage within Sina's territory. Often times, the simplicity and calm is craved more than any modern conveniences." It was hard to tell what disgusted Erwin more- the fact that anyone would think of the villas scattered within Wall Sina as "simple", or the fact that the doctor assumed his status as a "commander" actually elevated him into a class that could afford those villas. "This is entirely our fault, Commander. We should have gotten explicit directions from Mrs. Smith as to where she was going and when she was estimated to be there, and sent a notice ahead to you. I accept full responsibility for this oversight-"
"Hopefully, nothing has happened that would require you to take responsibility. If you'll excuse me, Doctor, I have to go…" he trailed off with a heavy exhale, turning on his heel. A few days to cool off, and then what? Why would he have ever expected her to go back to that miserable cage?
~o0o~
When one spent the majority of their lives riding horses bred to outpace Titans, it was easy to forget how slow non-specialized horses were in comparison. In Grisha's journals, he wrote of miraculous inventions used for transport across the world, horseless carriages that ran on oil called "automobiles", convoys of massive metal wagons all hitched together and powered by steam along tracks called "trains", ships fueled by coal and large enough for entire cities to board that could cross the ocean in less than a month…
Beyond the Walls, innovation was encouraged. The kings and governments of other countries did not have people tortured and executed for thinking of ways humanity could change and be better. If he had access to one of those "automobiles", it would probably take less than an hour to reach Calaneth, but the 145th king wanted his people to languish in stagnation, so Erwin was forced to make do with the tortuously slow horse-drawn carriages available to them. It would be night by the time he got back to Trost, but he didn't care about that, not now.
The gimp is mad at you, and she has every right to be. She didn't mean what she said…
Levi didn't know fuck about shit. It sure as hell seemed like Thomasin meant exactly what she'd said. She didn't want to see him, she didn't want to hear his voice, and she was willing to go through an almost spiteful amount of effort to ensure she didn't have to. How did she even get back to Trost; it seemed unlikely that she had any money on her for the ferry. She couldn't have just walked, but then again, part of him wouldn't even be surprised if she had. As the sky grew darker, Erwin found himself staring up at the Walls looming in the distance. She still knew how to use ODM gear… apparently, it wasn't as difficult to get a hold of as it should have been…
But she packed her things, she took her chickens- she wouldn't… He kept telling himself that as the inner gate of Calaneth came into view, a mantra… a prayer. He bade the carriage wait as he jumped out- he wouldn't be long, he just had to… to… to what, exactly? He'd given her "a few days to cool off", and she'd used that time to vanish. Why would he even assume she wanted to see him? Well, it didn't matter if she wanted to see him- he needed to see her, to make sure she was still… was still…
Calaneth was never as crowded as Trost had been, and while a soldier running at full speed was bound to draw some curious stares, just one was easily ignored (it was when you saw a host of fleeing soldiers that you let the herd mentality take over and followed them, questions be damned). By the time he reached the outer Wall, his muscles burned fiercely, his lungs screaming at him for air. He wasn't used to feeling lightheaded after such a short run- when did he get so out of shape? Slowing to a trot, and then a walk, Erwin leaned against the nearest solid surface as the last house on the street came into view. The sun was barely beginning to set, but the shadow cast by the Wall left the area closest to it in a near perpetual dusk. There were lights on- he could see the warm golden glow in the kitchen window. Someone was home- it… it had to be…
He could barely feel his legs move as he closed the distance, only saw that light grow larger, brighter. The door was right there… a few more steps, a few knocks- Voices. Unfamiliar voices, multiple unfamiliar voices. He dashed to the side of the house, where the once-fragrant garden now lay fallow. The commotion drew startled clucks from the old coop, and Erwin ducked behind the far side of the wood and wire ramshackle, shushing the birds as the door opened and the voices grew more distinct.
"-to see you again."
"We hope you can swing by soon."
"Just be ready for the captain to put your ass back to work immediately." All the voices sounded feminine, and he leaned as far towards the door as he could without leaving cover, straining to hear-
"I don't know about immediately, but… hopefully in a few more months… I'll come by as soon as I can."
"There's no rush, Tammy; just come whenever you're settled."
"If you need anything, just tell us."
"Heh. You know I won't. Thank you for visiting- it was nice to see you all again." The group of three all said goodbyes, and as the door squeaked shut, Erwin ducked further into the shadows, watching the Garrison nurses head back the way he had come. The pleasant, genial tones they had used only seconds ago were quickly replaced with scathing incredulity.
"God, can you believe it…?"
"Can I believe that someone whose job it is to feed people to Titans isn't the most attentive husband? Shockingly, yes."
"You remember when they came through here a few months ago? Daniel said they had about four wagons loaded with bodies, and he was stone faced. No grief, no remorse, nothing."
"I can't believe I'm saying this, but… I feel bad for Tammy. I know she's a mutt, but she's so nice, you know? She doesn't hurt anyone, she knows her place; she deserves better than that."
"No, don't feel bad for her- she brought this on herself by being stupid. You don't marry the leech with the fat cock who's too dumb to pull out; you marry someone who can take care of you and keep your fuck toy on the side to fool around with until he gets eaten."
"Tch, don't let her hear you talking about her precious Smith that way; her kind came from a tribe of cannibals. She'll crumple you like a piece of paper with those giant man hands of hers…"
They continued talking and laughing amongst themselves, their voices growing fainter the more distance they put between themselves and the house. Erwin leaned against the wall, sliding down until he was seated on the cold soil. Sat between two windows, he could hear the quiet "thump-step" as Thomasin walked to the sink, the metallic squeal of the water pump… Familiar sounds. Good sounds. She was alive. She'd made it from Ehrmich back to Calaneth by herself, settled back into her old life by herself… He desperately wanted to stand up, knock on the door, but-
I don't want to see you… I don't want to hear your voice… I don't want to remember that you exist…
'Not today…' a quiet voice in the back of his mind told him. That same gut feeling he got when an expedition was about to go south was beginning to churn now, so he spent a few seconds breathing deeply and cut his losses. A tactical retreat. Another day to cool off. She was alright; that's all that mattered.
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Even though the letter the premier sent explicitly said it wasn't a tribunal, even though it wasn't being held in the Chancellery, Erwin still couldn't shake the feeling that he was on trial. The MP commanders seated on one side of the- thankfully- moderately sized room, the Garrison commanders on the other, and Premier Zachary at the head. At least they allowed him his own chair to sit in rather than have him kneel. Perhaps that would have reminded them a bit too much of their complacency the last time he had been put "on trial".
"We've almost completely parsed Grisha Yaeger's journals. The doctor was a very prolific writer. I'll have them brought to your office by the end of the week, General, and hopefully we can decide what to tell the press after you've also had the chance to read them."
"We should tell them everything," Pixis stated firmly. "If we withhold information from the people, then we are no better than the regime we overthrew."
"Some information needs to be kept secret as a matter of public safety," Commander Jones retorted. "We don't tell people where the iceburst caldera is. We don't show them ODM gear schematics, or give them instructions on how to get to the factory cities. Military matters are not the concern of civilians."
"What are we even supposed to tell them- that we're in the middle of a war with a world that we didn't even know existed? What would that do other than cause unnecessary panic?" Zachary pounded on the table to silence the ever more frustrated voices, turning his attention back to Erwin.
"Did Dr. Yeager leave any definitive information about this Marley kingdom's plans to engage us?"
"No, sir- it seemed they only just began forming the plan when he lived there. He was hoping his first son would be able to infiltrate Marley's military. That plan failed. It seemed to have taken at least ten years for them to even initiate their plan… although I don't know how they were expecting four children who knew nothing of our culture, government, or even the layout of our land to infiltrate the upper echelons of our monarchy and find the true King. This is all hearsay, of course, but Grisha Yaeger was of the staunch opinion that the Marleyan government had more confidence than sense. Hopefully, there's a kernel of truth in that belief."
"They sent four varieties of Titan Shifters to attack us, and you encountered two more at Shiganshina. Eren inherited one from his father, and is in possession of the Progenitor or Founder or whatever they want to call it. That's eight in total. So how many more are there that we need to worry about?"
"According to the journals, there were nine sentient Titans total. Grisha wrote plenty about Titans- one of the journals is dedicated to all he learned, but the problem is, he didn't actually know anything about them." The other commanders all fixed him with stares that varied from shocked to almost indignant.
"What are you talking about, Erwin? Do you think he was just making things up? Who would that benefit?"
"I'm not saying he lied to try and feed anyone disinformation. I'm saying that, by his own admission, Grisha's information came from apocryphal sources. He claimed that he was taught propaganda painting the Eldian race as 'devils' and 'demons' when he was a child, but he makes claims that they were actually 'saviors' based on conjecture he assumed using ancient texts written in a language he admits he can't read. That sounds just as much like propaganda to me as anything." Dropping his gaze, Erwin's fingers clenched and unclenched on his thigh. Reading through the journals once had been an emotional experience, but having to read them over and over again to transcribe what had been written poked massive holes in the doctor's beliefs and arguments.
"He believed that Eldians were the chosen people of God, that the fact that we can be turned into Titans means we were heaven sent; he had never even seen a Titan in the flesh until he and his fellow 'patriots' were brought to our lands and turned into them as a punishment by Marley's government. Everything that we know about Titans was hard-learned knowledge gained through fighting them for decades, through dissections and experimentation. I'm not saying that nothing he wrote isn't accurate; I'm only saying that we shouldn't take his word as the be all, end all undeniable truth."
"Agreed." Zachary nodded. "Any information regarding Titans provided by Grisha Yaeger will be considered ancillary to the information provided by the Survey Corps. Which, going forward will also have to include information gained on the Colossal and Founding Titan. Experiments on the Founder will have to wait until Eren completes his sentence, but have you learned anything about the Colossal, Erwin?" He swallowed, shaking his head slightly.
"No, sir. We haven't done any research. In truth, I've never even… assumed that form. The only time I transformed was becoming a mindless Titan after being administered the serum, and I was unconscious throughout the entire experience." The ripple of voices that spread throughout the room was displeased.
"Nothing? It's been over a week and you haven't done anything?"
"Normally you're asking for more funding every other month for more restraints to be built, but now when we actually have need for these stupid experiments, you decide you don't feel like doing them any more?"
"No," Erwin told Commander Jones harshly, "it's not that we don't want to- we can't. We have six soldiers available to perform tests- given that I would be the subject of those tests, I can't very well count myself in that number. Our head researcher, Section Commander Hange Zoe, is currently recovering from surgery, and two of the members of our Special Operations Squad are also recovering from injuries they sustained in the field."
"Now suddenly you don't feel comfortable commandeering soldiers from the other branches?" Bright blue eyes narrowed as he glared down the commander of the Orvud Garrison.
"The reason I'm not asking for other soldiers is because I know the quality of soldiers that would be afforded to me. The first two times Eren transformed, he was running on pure instinct. The first time, his hatred of Titans caused him to ignore all the soldiers in the area, but the second time, when there were no Titans in the vicinity, he did turn on his fellow soldiers. And while I have no doubt that Lieutenant Levi, or any of his squad mates would have no difficulty taking down a feral fifteen-meter Titan… at the moment, I wouldn't risk them taking on a sixty-meter. Especially not one that can set the surrounding area on fire simply because of the amount of heat it outputs. Commander Hirsch, did your lieutenant not tell you how ineffective the Northern Garrison were at dealing with the Titan that attacked Orvud?" The older man's lips twitched as though he were fighting back a snarl.
"Th-they said it was dealt with," he tried to argue, but Erwin wasn't having that.
"Yes. By the Survey Corps. When we had more than six soldiers." He sighed deeply. "We will be running experiments, believe you me, gentlemen. We have seen that the Colossal Titan is capable of great, horrifying feats of destruction, and I assure you Section Commander Hange will not rest until they've cataloged all of them." The room fell silent for almost twenty full seconds, until one of the MP commanders spoke.
"So, by your own admission, you're a bomb that can go off at any moment?"
"At no point did I say that-"
"But it's the truth. The Colossal destroyed two of our gates. According to your own mission report, it completely obliterated a massive section of Shiganshina when it transformed. It can put out so much heat that it's capable of burning people alive. And yet here it is, loose amongst the masses." Erwin scowled at him.
"Shifters don't just turn into Titans as a reflex when they sneeze; if you'd paid attention to any of Section Commander Hange's research, you would know that."
"But the fact remains that you can turn into a Titan whenever you please."
"Anybody can do anything destructive whenever they please, Shifter or not. Any MP can fire their gun into a crowd of people, any Garrison can turn the canons they man into the districts, anyone with a knife can go around slashing throats- in fact, I do believe there was a high-ranking MP who was rather infamous for that. Our society functions on the assumption that most of the people within it are not homicidal lunatics. If you truly believe that after fifteen years of service, of dedicating my heart to humanity and fighting on the front lines while you sat on your ass drinking and gambling away the taxpayer money wasted on you, that I would throw all that away and go on a destructive rampage 'just because', then at least have the nerve to admit that to my face!"
"Order! Order!" Zachary banged his hand on the desk, giving the man seated in front of him a severe frown. "That's enough, Erwin; you're not making a very compelling argument for yourself."
"I think I'm making the perfect argument for myself, sir. You see, if I were the unhinged, power-hungry megalomaniac some people still want to think of me as, I would just transform here and now. I would let people be afraid of me, rather than admit that I actually have no idea how to transform at will. That, in order to transform, one has to have a goal in mind, and right now, the greatest goal I have is never hurting anyone the way my soldiers were hurt by this Titan's previous host." He dropped his head, his entire body feeling heavy, the weight of so many souls pressing down on him. "I have seen firsthand the pain and suffering and death this Titan can cause. I myself was responsible for so much pain and suffering and death following the operation I ordered in Stohess… I never, ever want to be responsible for a tragedy greater than that." The murmuring sparked up again, but another, familiar voice spoke up loudly enough to cut through it.
"I've known Erwin longer than anyone here. I will personally attest that he is no threat to humanity," in a slightly lower tone- "something I should have done much earlier. I personally believe that the Colossal Titan is safer in his hands than it would be in any of ours."
"You're only saying that because you're his friend!" another man nearly shouted across the room. Beside him, Pixis inhaled deeply.
"I also agree with Commander Dok, and I wouldn't say that Commander Smith and I classify as anything more than work associates." Hard golden eyes fixated on Erwin. "If I believed he was inclined to unnecessary violence, I never would have aided him in our coup. For as manipulative as he can be, I sincerely doubt he would use the Colossal Titan against anyone- mostly since it would be easier to kill someone the old fashioned way instead of leaving a sixty-meter calling card behind." Another man sighed.
"Even if we believe he isn't a threat, that won't do much to pacify the public. Remember what happened when Eren was first discovered to be a Titan- we nearly had a civil war brewing! What do you think will happen when everyone discovers that, not only is Colossal not dead, it's leading one of the branches of the military?"
"The main reason for the public fear of Eren," Erwin reminded them, "was because noble families were afraid that the military would use this newfound might to orchestrate a coup and take their riches, a fear stoked by the Assembly. If I recall correctly, the common folk and merchants were ecstatic that we finally had a way of reclaiming their land. Given that the coup has already happened without the aid of Titans, the nobles' wealth has already been redistributed, and Wall Maria has already been reclaimed, I honestly don't believe what I am will have that much influence on peoples' opinions of me. Those who think I'm a hero of humanity will continue thinking that until the next failed mission, and those who already despise me probably don't need any extra fuel for that fire but will be grateful for it nonetheless." Zachary leaned back in his chair, pushing his glasses up enough to rub his eyes.
"Just to err on the side of caution, I'm going to issue a blanket ban on any and all Titan research for the next month. I actually have read both your mission reports and Section Commander Hange's research, and according to both of them, Eren's Titan form is impervious to high temperatures; is that correct?"
"Yes, sir."
"And given that there is a chance, no matter how minuscule, of you losing control of the Colossal Titan, I feel the best safety measure we can achieve at the moment is another Titan. If Levi is unable to get you under control, at least Eren should be available as a backup." Erwin considered telling him that Eren's Titan just barely reached the Colossal's knees and that the last time he went up against the behemoth- when it was being controlled by a fellow recruit, no less- he ended up getting punted across Shiganshina. He opted instead to keep his mouth shut.
"I think that would be for the best, sir. That would give the remaining Scouts time to recuperate, and we would hopefully be able to run tests on the Progenitor as well."
"Then that's the end of this issue for the time being. I think now would be the prime time to remind everyone that we don't need to wait around for the Survey Corps to take action before anyone else does. The path to Wall Maria has been cleared, the gates have been sealed. Now, it's time for the members of the Garrison to remember what their job is." Zachary tented his fingers, the light reflected on his lenses partially obscuring his eyes. "Our civilization is being threatened by an outside force, and while they have Titans available to them, the majority of their nation, and presumably their military, is comprised of humans… so why aren't we doing anything about that? Preparing for war against other humans was the one thing the old regime actually did, so perhaps we should expand upon that." Pixis shot him a sharp glare.
"Perhaps we should bring this up with the queen and her minsters at the very least, because at the moment, this very much feels like the is military doing exactly what we swore we wouldn't when we overthrew the Assembly…" Zachary rolled his eyes, a gesture the commanders on either side of him probably couldn't see but one that Erwin had a perfect view of.
"Of course we'll bring this up with the queen. She was a soldier herself, after all; I can think of no one who would understand the need for precautionary measures more. But in the meantime, I would recommend getting the Garrison engineers together so they can begin brainstorming how they're going to rebuild those gates." He rose with a quiet groan, picking his coat from the back of his chair. "This meeting is adjourned." As though that were the signal for the actual meeting to begin, the commanders began speaking to one another with far more intensity than they had shown earlier even as they too stood and began heading for the doors.
All but Erwin, who remained seated, staring at the floor, fiddling with the button on his empty sleeve. There was no one living in the house in Trost, so he needed to pack what remained in it and have it moved… where? To his quarters where there was barely any space for the furniture already there? Maybe he could just take his clothes and personal belongings and leave everything else where it was- he doubted the landlord would oppose to being gifted free furniture. He noticed Nile approaching from his periphery, but said nothing, not even reacting when the other man laid a hand on his shoulder.
"You've got a bit of time before you have to get back to Trost, right?"
"Not really…" he muttered, earning a snort.
"If that were the case, you would have been the first one out of the room. You have time. Come on, let's go get something to drink; my treat."
"Why?"
"I don't need a reason to do something nice for the people I care about."
~o0o~
Given that it was barely past noon, the bar wasn't particularly full, though considering the prices he saw listed on the back wall, Erwin had a feeling this particular establishment was never bursting at the seams with customers. MPs must have been amongst the regulars, given the way the knowing smirk the barkeep got when he spotted them.
"Commanders. What'll it be?"
"Whiskey rocks. What do you want, Erwin?"
"Uh…" It had been months since he'd drunk anything- even now, the memory of that hangover made him feel queasy. "I don't think I should drink anything-"
"Yeah, you should. Whiskey rocks and a highball." Nile hopped onto the stool closest to him, gesturing to the adjacent stool and giving Erwin an expectant look. With a sigh he sat, leaning on the counter. It wasn't as sticky as the ones he remembered in Shiganshina. "You look even worse than the last time I saw you. What happened?" His immediate instinct was to say that nothing had happened, that things were fine, but… if there was anyone who could help him- who would at least have some baseline knowledge that could help- it was the man beside him.
Inhaling deeply, Erwin began explaining. Explaining everything, starting from that night in Calaneth and working his way up until yesterday. When the bartender set their drinks in front of them, he paused only long enough to down a quarter of his glass, the soda masking most of the burn of the whiskey. Breathing hard, he turned on his stool so that he could lay his head on his arm.
"I feel like I can't even ask what she wants to do about the pregnancy. I know full well she doesn't want to have a child with me now- who could blame her- but… should I send her a letter? Send her money? Look for a doctor-"
"Wait wait wait-" Nile cut him off, utter confusion scrunching his brows. "What do you mean 'what she wants to do about the pregnancy'?"
"I mean terminating it, Nile." The confusion on his face melted into horror.
"What?! That's not- who would do something like that!? What kind of mother doesn't want her children?!"
"The kind who never wanted to be a mother in the first place! Weren't you listening to me!? Not everyone is like Marie, Nile; not everyone gets to have a perfect fairy tale 'happily ever after' where they live in contented bliss popping out babies! This is all my fault- I forced her into this and still failed to prove that I wasn't an undependable piece of shit…!" Breathing hard, Erwin laid his head back down, tracing a line through the condensation that had begun forming on the side of the glass.
"I had one chance to prove that I was willing to put her first, and I didn't… for a childish dream. If she'd died, it would have been entirely my fault… I feel like she's right, like I should have died in Shiganshina, but I don't want to be dead… but if this is all that my life is now, just fear and stress, completely devoid of the person I love the most, of even the smallest measure of joy or contentment… I don't know if I want this, either…" He turned his head slightly so he could look up at his friend. "What would you do if you were in this situation, Nile?" He had been swirling his glass, the ice within it clinking softly. He raised the glass to his lips, paused, and lowered it without drinking.
"I wouldn't be in that situation to begin with. I'm not saying I would have miraculously made all the right choices; I'm saying that I can't compare myself to you. The moment I fell in love with Marie- I mean, really fell in love with her, well after we graduated- she became my dream. I never had to balance this dream I'd built my life around against the prospect of having a family, because for me, they were always one and the same. …but I know that's not how it was for you, because if it was, you would've retired years ago." Swallowing a mouthful of the dark brown liquor, Nile exhaled loudly. "Erwin… do you actually want any of these things?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, normal things. A wife and a kid and a life outside of the military. The opportunity for that kind of life keeps dropping in your lap, but you keep… I don't want to say 'sabotaging yourself', but… actively choosing not to go through with it. You have a woman throwing herself at you, a woman you claim you love, wanting nothing more than to live a happy life with you- you keep choosing the Titans over her… and then you keep getting upset over your choice. So do you really even want that life?" Erwin raised his head, turning away from Nile's hazel eyes to stare instead at his glass, the bubbles floating to the top as drops of water ran down and collected in a ring around it.
Why aren't you happy…? Why do you want to die so badly…?
"I do," he whispered through a tight throat. "Ever since I was a child, that's what I've wanted… but I didn't deserve it. I had a happy, normal life with my father, and I destroyed that; what right did I have to start over fresh when he would never get that chance?"
"You shouldn't have to feel guilty for something you didn't do, Erwin. You didn't destroy anything, you didn't kill anyone- all of the blame for that lies with the old king, the Assembly, the Interior MPs. Dozens of people… but not you." He nodded slightly.
"I know that. I know that it's… unseemly for a grown man to be blaming a little boy for murdering his own father. I've probably known that for years… but years too late. Because now, it's not that. Not really." His breathing grew deeper, heavier, as he stared at the shifting ice cubes. "I'm… scared."
"Of what? You're a Scout- what can you possibly be scared of?"
"Exactly. I am a Scout… so what am I if I'm not? I've been a soldier for the overwhelming majority of my life- the day I turned fifteen, I left home to join the Training Corps. I packed the night before while my aunt stood outside my door, crying and begging me to change my mind. I could have gone to a university in Wall Sina; my grades were good enough, my father even put money aside for my schooling. I told my aunt to spend it because I didn't need it, I didn't want it. I could have been anything, but I chose to be a Scout, and now… I don't know anything else. I can't think of anything else. It's like a cancer that's infected every part of my mind, my soul, and it ruins everything that's not work related. Maybe there was a part of me that could have been a decent husband and father a long time ago… maybe I could have been a man who could do more than fight and bark orders…" his eyes narrowed.
"But I got that man killed, just like everyone else good around me." Sighing, Erwin dropped his head back down to the bar, feeling the water around the glass begin to soak into his hair. "And now, regardless of what I want, I can't just quit the military, now can I?"
"What do you mean?"
"The Survey Corps scouts uncharted territory and fights the enemies of humanity to bring us ever forward. We have so many enemies now, and what am I if not a massive weapon?" A humorless chuckle left his lips and he lowered his voice until it was little more than a whisper. "What would you do in this situation at least, Nile? If you were… this thing and you knew you would be forced into missions, but every fiber of your being just wanted to rest. Just wanted to be with the person you love…" Another snort from Nile, this one dripping with sardonicism.
"You know exactly what I would do, because I already did it. I chose Marie over the Titans back when I barely even knew her; do you really think I'd change my stance after falling even more deeply in love with her, after fifteen years of marriage, after raising a beautiful family with her? I'd tell Zachary, the ministry, the queen- everyone- that they can eat my entire, colossal ass."
"I feel like if I did that, it would just cause more problems."
"Not for you. Levi said something during Eren's trial- 'if you're gonna poke him, you'd better make sure you can kill him'." He reached out, laying his hand on Erwin's shoulder. "Seems like you're the one being poked now, and I'm pretty sure that there's only one man who's capable of killing you… and I'm willing to bet good money that he would be the first one to defend you if you decided you had enough of this."
"Do I even get to decide when I've had enough…?"
"You don't have to hold the entire world up on your shoulders, Erwin; you choose to do that. I can't make you give up your martyr complex any more than I could make you give up your delusions, but I can give you some advice, man to man, husband to husband. If you actually love Thomasin, you can't just leave her alone. I know you say you're just giving her what she wants, but what she wants- what she always wanted- was for you to be there for her. And now you're just reaffirming that you're not, that you're not willing to be. This isn't an argument I've had with Marie- it's an argument I had with my daughter." Sighing, Nile turned so he could lean his back against the bar, his glass dangling from his fingers.
"This was maybe… two years ago? I promised Anna that I'd have a tea party with her, but I ended up staying late at work. A silly little nothing to me, but it meant everything to her, and she was so mad at me when I got home, she wouldn't even look at me. She was mad for days, and it started making me mad- this was work; my job is the reason she can have her little tea parties in the first place… but it meant so much to her, and even if it was for a good reason, I hurt her." Erwin glanced at the other man, noticing the sheen in his eyes, the way his lip trembled ever so slightly. "So I went to her room every morning before work, and every night when I came home and I told her, 'Daddy's sorry', and for the first three days, all I got in return was an angry scowl. And on the fourth day, she hugged me and accepted my apology and everything went back to normal." Erwin shook his head.
"It's not the same-"
"It's close enough. You have to try. Don't you love her enough to try?" Of course he did…
"…I need to buy a horse. Going between Trost and Calaneth everyday takes too long."
"Rent a room in Calaneth for a week."
"I still have four recruits on base."
"Send them home."
"One of them was from Ragako- the village the Titans in Wall Rose came from." Nile sucked in a sharp breath through his teeth.
"Well, I guess that one gets the whole base to himself, then." For the first time in what felt like days, Erwin laughed slightly.
"Hange never wants to go home… maybe… maybe I can leave them in charge for a little while." He smiled at his old friend. "Thanks, Nile. For once, you were actually good for something."
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Musical Bear: I love your reviews so much. It's fascinating both how much of my own thoughts you share, but even more so how many things you pick up on that I never even thought about while writing. And don't worry about criticizing Erwin in your reviews; I criticize him constantly while writing, and I am his biggest simpette. 80% percent of my process is just me sitting at my laptop, thinking "Am I making Erwin too stupid? …no. No, this is exactly how stupid he is; it's everyone else who's wrong."
A/N- Remember when Connie losing his entire family was a big deal? Remember when we were supposed to be horrified that an entire village could just turn into Titans? Remember the dread of realizing that, not only did Connie's friends and family eat Mike and his squad and Kayla's mom (it was literally his dad eating that woman), but also that every single Titan the Corps killed that night (including that one that Eren was so excited to be his first official kill) was someone Connie had probably known all his life?
The more I think about it, the more I realize that Erwin in Reasons really is just a less comedic Liz Lemon. The man desperately wants to have it all, but he's just eating foil at this point. Which I guess makes Nile his Jack in this chapter- "What I'm trying to say is, you're… *waves hand uncertainly* 'young', and you still haven't blown it completely… so don't start now." Even so, I've read so many accounts from soldiers who talk about how hard it is to return to civilian life after even only a few years in service, and it makes me think "how difficult would it be when the overwhelming majority of your life is spent in active duty service?" Think about the 104th- their formative years were all spent training to kill and later killing, watching people die in the most horrific ways possible. They have no real life skills. It seems unlikely that they even have a formal education. If the Survey Corps disbanded immediately, what would they do? Erwin has a slight advantage given that he has at least some idea of how to adult, but the very idea of being completely cut off from who you were since you were a teenager must be a terrifying thing.
We're only told that there are three commanders in the Paradis military- Erwin, Pixis and Nile- but then… who the hell are all those other military guys that are always lurking around in important scenes? Are three (really two since the Survey Corps is usually less than 300 people) men supposed to be in charge of a military with thousands of soldiers, spread out over a country the size of France in an era before telephones or even telegraphs? Seriously, who are the people in that scene where Zachary is talking about the journals?! What branches are they from!? What positions do they hold- are they just there to take notes!? For who?! This is why I can't take people who say AoT has good world building seriously. AoT has no worldbuilding- it is just a place with people in it. There is no culture, there is no history, we don't even know what their money is called (and no, their memories being erased is not an excuse. That happened a century ago; 100 years is more than enough time for different sections of the Walls to develop different cultural identities).Interesting ideas =/= good world building.