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Chapter 1
Rating: PG-13
Don't own a one of 'em! They just borrow my head for their playground. A LOT!
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Don't even ask where this came from. The idea first occurred to me sometime last season, I think right around the time that Lily made Bug sing the coroner song, which was around October 2002. Then I was working on "How Do You Heal A Broken Heart?" and started bouncing silliness off a couple of IM buddies who also write fanfic for CJ (thanks jmkw and madambeth and thenewmoo!!) and things went from silly to absurd. But it seemed like a cute idea so I went there. And then the finale gave me the perfect opportunity to send Jordan into an altered state of consciousness (much better than falling in blood that Peter had accidentally spilled). . .
Have fun!!
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Still pretty out of it from her scotch/methylhexital combination, Jordan Cavanaugh lies curled on the futon in her apartment. When she and Malden got there, James grabbed her and put her on the futon in the other section trying to keep her safe. James and Malden were struggling when they were distracted by the sound of Max entering the apartment. A gun went off twice and Malden fell to the floor. The gun fell to the floor as James ran out the door towards the fire escape. Max walked over to where Malden's body lay. He knew he shouldn't pick up the gun, but. . . At that point, he heard Woody outside the door, then Woody was in the apartment, gun drawn, facing Max who was once again standing over a dead body holding a gun. So engaged were they in their stand-off neither of them saw Jordan on the futon at first.
"Max, put the gun down."
It was a tense moment. Finally Max spoke.
"Woody, I know how this looks. But I did not shoot him."
"Then who?"
"James. When I came in they were struggling."
"James and Malden?"
"Yes. The gun went off, Malden fell to the ground, and James took off."
"Ok. We'll figure something out. But where's Jordan?"
"What?"
"She'd been in Malden's office. She wasn't there. And she's not in his car parked out front."
"Then where is she?"
They looked around the apartment, and then Woody spotted her.
"There she is. On the futon."
"What? I don't. . . Oh God. What did he do to her?"
"Let me see. Stay put."
"Like hell. That's my daughter."
Woody got to Jordan's side first and checked for a pulse, then checked for any obvious injuries. Finding none, he recalled the glass in Malden's office. "Max, I think she's ok. But I think Malden gave her something. Let's get her in the car and go to the hospital. I'll try to call Nigel from the car."
Woody dialed his cell phone and soon was speaking with Nigel. Nigel agreed to run over to headquarters, get the glass, and run tests on it. They just had to hope that it was still there. Woody drove while Max sat helplessly beside Jordan. They couldn't tell them anything about what she'd had besides scotch ~ and Woody knew something else was in there.
They got to the hospital and got Jordan into an examination room. About the time the doctor got there, Woody's cell phone rang.
"Detective, you're going to have to take that outside."
"I'll turn it off in a minute. I think this can tell us what's wrong with her. Nigel?"
"It's methylhexital. The glass was gone, but there's a small bottle of it here. Looks like he probably coated the glass with about 40 milligrams. She'll probably come out of it alright, but. . ."
"We're already at the hospital. Thank you Nigel." Woody turned to the doctor and told him what he'd learned from Nigel. Only then did it occur to Woody that he should call headquarters and let them know there was a body at Jordan's apartment. He'd figure out some kind of explanation by the time they needed it. He stepped outside and made the call, but instantly returned to Jordan's side. Right now, he needed to be with her.
In the exam room, the doctor reached the same conclusion as Nigel had, that in all likelihood Jordan would be fine, but he found a bed for her for observation overnight. Woody and Max settled into chairs in her room to keep an eye on her. They agreed to alternate keeping watch ~ Jordan didn't need to hear them fighting on top of everything else.
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meanwhile. . .
Jordan. . .
What the? My head is killing me. Wait ~ this isn't my apartment. Or anywhere else I know of. The colors are way too bright. Maybe I should figure out where I am before I do anything else. . .
"Bark!"
"What the. . .?"
"Bark! Bark!"
"Bug? What are you doing dressed like a dog?"
"Hey, it's not MY drug and alcohol induced altered state of consciousness. You think I like being dressed up like this?"
"Oh. Sorry. Wait a minute. Your outfit does look a little familiar. Wait ~ don't tell me. You're Toto?"
"I suppose that's right."
"And that makes me. . ."
"I'm going to take a wild guess here and say Dorothy."
"Right. So if we step outside we're going to find. . . How the hell did we get here? In one of the storage lockers?"
"Hey, it's your. . ."
"I know, I know. It's my altered state of consciousness."
"As long as we've got that straight."
"Oh look. Of course there are feet sticking out from under there. Feet wearing red Converse high tops."
"Bark!"
"Lovely, munchkins. Little tiny cop munchkins."
"Bark! Bark!"
"Bug ~ um, Toto ~ hush!!"
"Ma'am, I'm. . ."
"Dr. Stiles? What are you doing here?"
"Don't ask me. It's. . ."
"I know, I know. My altered state of consciousness. One of these times I'm not even going to ask."
"Anyway, here I'm the munchkin coroner. Pleased to make your acquaintance."
"Thank you. I think."
"You've saved us from the Irish mobster-turning-informant-but-no-one-knows, Melanie Cahill."
"Melanie Cahill?"
"Yes ma'am. Kevin Cahill's daughter."
"Oh." That clears A LOT up.
"We're ever so grateful. The wicked D.A. of Boston has been making life into an inconceivable hell for us."
"Bark! Bark!"
"What Toto?"
"Can't you call me Bug?"
"Oh, ok. What Bug?"
"He's not going to sing the song."
"The song?"
"The SONG. It must be sung."
Overhearing their whispered conversation, Stiles said, "the little dog is right. The coroner's song must be sung. But alas my singing voice has long since expired."
"Oh, could you let him do it? I think you'll be quite surprised."
"Very well."
"You've examined her?"
"Yes, but please feel free to give a cursory sniff if you'd like."
Bug did just that, then stood. . .
"As coroner I vouch for her; I thoroughly examined her; and she's not only merely dead, she's really most sincerely dead."
"Bravo Bug. Way to go."
"Again, we thank you most sincerely for. . ."
In a poof of smoke, District Attorney Renee Wolcott appeared in all black, her face a strange shade of green.
"Who's responsible for getting my informant killed? Well, isn't anyone going to tell me?" She whirled and spotted Jordan. "I might have known you'd have something to do with this."
"But Renee. . ."
"It's Ms. Wolcott to you. And isn't this nice ~ no Garret or Woody around to protect you."
But no one had noticed the small, bell filled light coming closer and closer.
"Now just a minute Ms. Wolcott. What exactly has Jordan done to deserve this hatred?"
"Should I give the long list or the short one?"
"Wait a minute. I don't need you helping me Lily. Don't you think you've done enough damage already?"
"But Jordan, I was only trying to help. Maybe I can prove that in this altered state of consciousness you're in."
"Oh. Alright. Whatever."
"Now, as I was. . ."
"Not so fast! I'm the D.A. here and I say that she's going with me for questioning."
"Not quite yet." And Lily the good witch waved her wand. In an instant, Jordan looked down at her feet and saw the red Converse high tops replace her black shoes.
"What on earth. . .?"
"Oh Jordan, didn't you ever watch 'The Wizard of Oz' growing up?"
"I'm beginning to think one too many times."
"No! You can't put those shoes on her!"
"What exactly do these shoes do, Lily?"
"She knows that whoever wears them cannot be picked up by the police while in the land and territory of Morgue. They're a signal that you're immune from prosecution."
"Cool! But wait. This is my altered blah, blah, blah. Can't we make them Jimmy Choo boots with stiletto heels?"
"Not very practical for walking Jordan." But realizing that she really didn't have a lot of room for criticizing after she'd broken Jordan's confidence, she waved her wand. "Very well. Here you go!"
And suddenly Jordan was in knee-high, stiletto-heeled boots. "Awesome"
"No you don't. Give them to me!"
But Bug jumped at and nipped Wolcott's ankle while Jordan delivered a fast roundhouse kick to the side of her head.
"Wait a minute! That's not in the movie! I'm supposed to reach for them and get shocked."
"I don't believe in the death penalty."
"At all? Jordan, that's something I never knew about you."
"I just figured it out."
"Now, Ms. Wolcott! Be gone. Jordan and Bug have a long journey ahead of them."
"Fine. But I'll be waiting for my opportunity! You'd better keep your wits about you Jordan Cavanaugh." And with a poof she was gone.
Jordan and Bug turned to Lily.
"Thank you for helping us out there, but I really don't think that I'll need. . ."
"Now Jordan. She was only doing what she thought was best."
"I suppose. But do we have to drag you along too?"
"No. This is a journey you must make on your own. Well, with Bug and whoever turns out to be the rest of the characters that is. But I'll be watching over you and I'll try to help you out when you need me."
"Oh. Ok. Where exactly are we going?"
"You must go to see the Computer Wizard of the Morgue."
"Gee, I wonder who that is."
"He can help you get home."
"I'm sure. Alright, come on Bug. Let's go."
"Bark! Bark!"
"If I'm going to call you Bug, you can talk. It is my. . ."
"Alright. I know. How are we going to find this computer genius?"
As Lily was beginning to float away, she called out, "It's easy. Just follow the luminol-lit path."
"Great. Come on Bug. I'm NOT singing."
So Jordan and Bug started down the luminol-lit path. . .
. . .to be continued. . .