Author's notes and warning: Bad words and implied homosexuality ahead. Nothing graphic, though.
Peeves appears in a guest role in this chapter.
Lines between asterisks (*) represent Gingerhead's thoughts.
Dedicated to all the slashers out there.
Mimine: Gingerhead claims Snape's nether regions as his private playground. Cross him at your own risk.
Limyaael: I'm glad you are enjoying this. I hope Peeves is in character as well.
RivanKnight: Me, torturing Snape? Definitely not!
Songbreeze Swifteye: Innocent kitty? Gingerhead? Right.
Mavidian: Thanks for the review! Catfight in the nest chapter.
Shadowycat: That's a horrid thought about Gingerhead! But yes, it's close to Snape's thoughts, I fear...
Labrisa, Papilio and Meow: Gingerhead thanks you for your reviews.
CHAPTER 5: Play it again, Peeves.
Severus Snape left the classroom and headed for the staff room, hoping that the blasted cat would not track him down there. And if he did, perhaps one of the other teachers would draw his attention. Just around the corner, his hopes were reduced in half.
*Hello. Where are we going? *
"Go away," Snape hissed and moved on.
Naturally, the cat followed him. But his troubles hadn't even started. A few feet away, he heard Peeves' mocking voice.
"Good evening, Professor Snape. Have you sat on anything ...interesting lately?"
Snape blushed, feeling the stitches on his nether regions sting in a very annoying way. It had taken him a while before deciding to see the medi-witch about his problem and by that time, the use of a healing spell would do more harm than good. And now he had to endure the inconvenience of the traditional healing methods for two days before a spell could end his suffering.
Obviously, Peeves had found out. And he begun to sing.
"Snape had a little problem,
One he could not confess.
From kitty claws and broken glass,
His buttocks were a mess."
"Get lost, Peeves," he spat, clenching his teeth.
Completely unimpressed, the poltergeist floated around him.
"Hello, Gingerhead," he said.
*Hi, Peeves, * replied the cat. And although Snape could not hear the cat's reply, he stopped on his tracks when he heard Peeves addressing the cat.
"Do you know this cat?" he inquired, with a murderous glow in his eyes.
"Never saw him before tonight," Peeves lied.
Snape crossed his arms on his chest. "Of course."
"Oh, Severus, why are you so cranky tonight?" asked Peeves in an annoyingly sweet voice. "Haven't you been sleeping well?"
*He has been sleeping perfectly well. On the other hand, I haven't. He snores like a Hungarian Horntail with a sinus infection, * said Gingerhead.
Peeves cackled and begun to sing again.
"Hey, Snape has a lovely nose,
And as the legend really goes,
Although he lacks the 'tools' in bed,
His snore can wake up the dead."
"I do not snore," replied the Potions Master.
*Yes, you do, * said Gingerhead.
Then the hysterical laughter from Peeves made Snape realize that he had objected to the wrong verse of the rude song.
"I'm calling the Bloody Baron," Snape warned Peeves. "And if that menace of a cat doesn't leave me in peace, I'll throw him to the Giant Squid in the lake."
*Does the squid know that? I hope not. I haven't eaten seafood in ages, * thought Gingerhead.
"Professor, if I were you, I wouldn't threaten Gingerhead so carelessly," said Peeves in a grim voice.
"Why?" Asked Snape with a sneer. "Is he going to shed on me until I suffocate?"
"Perhaps he will," said Peeves and began to sing another obscene song.
"Cat fur on your clothes,
Cat fur on your hair,
Cat fur in your eyes,
Cat fur everywhere.
Cat fur on your robes,
Cat fur in your class,
Cat fur down your throat,
Cat fur UP YOUR ASS!"
And he flew around laughing hysterically once more.
And now Snape was really annoyed.
"Peeves, last warning. Get lost and take this cat with you, or you will both be sorry," he hissed.
*Peeves, please. I won't survive another night with this creature, * pleaded Gingerhead. *Call off the bet. *
"No way, kitty," cackled the poltergeist. "You and the Potions Master will be sharing the same bed for a week."
"A week?" Snape asked in shock.
*Why? Were you expecting anyone else to visit your bed in the meantime? By your hair and your smell, I seriously doubt that. *
"Why, Severus?" Peeves' mocking voice echoed in the dark corridor. "This kitty here is the best action your bed has seen in ages."
Snape blushed once more, as he remembered the way Peeves used to make fun of him in the past, proclaiming before the entire school that he was involved to several homosexual affairs. And this was the last thing he needed right now.
"Bloody Baron!" he cried out. Where is that blasted ghost when you need him?
Too late. Peeves started singing again, in a slow tune that could very well be a love song.
"For so many nights, Snape has slept all alone,
Deep in the dungeon he now calls his home.
Craving the strong grip of his lost lover's arms,
He misses the pleasures of other mens' charms.
When he finally felt a tongue on his butt,
He cursed in frustration: It belonged to a cat!"
"Enough!" the Potions Master cried out and reached for his wand.
Peeves cackled once more and Gingerhead was watching everything with great interest. At that moment, the Bloody Baron came in the scene and Peeves vanished into the darkness of the castle. Snape, exhausted, sat down on the cold floor and hid his face in his hands. Gingerhead walked over and licked his fingers that still smelled of the spilled catnip.
"Professor, your cat seems to love you a lot," he noted with interest.
Snape looked at the ghost with bloodshot eyes.
"But he's not my cat."